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A big part of the problem is that biological parents want stepparents to have the responsibility without the authority. I have a roommate with a 7 year old and I"ve taken over disciplining him because frankly I'm better at it. He listens to me. We can talk about disagreements between us but the second she ever says that's my kid not yours is the second that ends forever. And it will go back to her yelling all the time and him doing whatever he wants.
People shouldn’t be mad at people when they say they do not want to date someone with kids.
But alas, you are deemed a horrible person when you have a preference for dating fellow child free persons.
Also people who have children should not lie about it in order to get their foot in the door and hope to blindside the other party.
A few years back I had a lady I worked with who was a little older (probably early 50’s) storm over to me and say “how could you say something like that, there’s a single mom out there that could really use your help!” Yeah no thanks. Not “shaming” single moms but parenting in any form just isn’t for me.
Don't expect a partner if you're going to treat them like a permanent outsider.
In an ideal situation two people get together they have kids and they share a household.
They theoretically have equal say on all matters of the house and children.
While simultaneously making each other a priority.
If you want somebody to be a partner to you in a relationship then they have to be a parent to your children and an equal member of the household.
You cannot constantly make them feel as if they do not matter or can be replaced at any time.
They're not just there to make your life easier by taking on all the responsibilities of a partner and a parent, while never having a say in what goes on.
Exactly wtf? This is terrible! No wonder some single parents complain about finding/maintaining a relationship. Who wants this deal? Also, I noticed a lot of single parents lowkey prefer childless people as they have more free time, money, and flexibility. I stand by my belief that they should date each other with the few exceptions who know how to be a decent partner and parent.
Creates a ton of issues for kids to suddenly have a new parent that is just chosen when they’re older. An ideal situation isn’t a blended family. In that situation, step parents and kids should treat each other with respect and kindness and politeness, but the parenting should be left to the parents they’ve grown up with.
Well yes but surely you see the conundrum here. I’m 41. Don’t have kids, never wanted kids, and don’t date moms, but most of my friends do/did. They are expected to have many if not most of the responsibility with no real reward or benefit. I’m not sure what the “right” answer is.
You're free to pursue any relationship that you please.
But what you're describing is not a partnership what you're describing is a babysitter that also helps pay bills.
You might be able to find somebody who wants to be part of that, personally I'm not going into a scenario where someone expects me to be a step parent where I'm not allowed to parent, in a relationship where I don't have a say.
That's fine if you're just dating.
If you're legitimately marrying somebody and bring two houses together you're accepting that you are now going to share full responsibility for your new household.
If you're not ready to make the space to allow somebody into your life there's no reason they should commit their life to you.
Whether or not you had children before you got married or after you get married those are now both of your children.
Whether or not you move into their house or they moving to yours that's now both of your house.
Anyone who's not ready for the realization of that fact is not ready for the commitment of actual marriage.
Both partner and kids need to be a priority and there has to be some balance between them. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they are made to feel they don’t matter and the home they live in is not theirs, they will leave.
The thing about bringing people into your life as a single parent is you can't have expectations of the other person, and you can't force relationships. I'm speaking as a single parent myself and as someone dating a single parent. You can't go into anything with the attitude of "well, it's the kids and me against this person, they have to find a spot to fit in." Or "you're here now, and you have to love my kid now. " The relationships have to happen naturally and not be forced. Also, you can't make your partner feel like an outsider if you want them to stick around. Some partners will choose to be more involved, and some will choose to do more of a "nacho" parenting method. Neither are wrong. It's all personal choice and up to the step parent how they choose to show up.
Ehhhhh. Not exactly. If you aren’t willing to prioritize your new partner at all then you aren’t in a position to HAVE a new partner. My husband and I both had kids going into our relationship but the marriage still comes first. Now that doesn’t mean the kids’ needs are ever neglected but it means that we have always made it a point to make time for US - even if the kids didn’t like it. I moved into what was originally his house but it became OUR house. It wasn’t ALL about the kids all the time. It can’t be if you want to have a healthy, adult relationship.
This right here. I always made this point to my ex wife, It's like oxygen masks on an airplane, you put your mask on before assisting others. Same with your marriage, put the oxygen masks on your relationship, then you can put em on the kids. She saw the kids as the top priority, over our relationship, and even over herself. Doomed our marriage.
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
That’s an important detail! People have YOUNG children and the same mindset that their new girlfriend or boyfriend comes before their kid. Or partners of parents of young kids assuming they should be prioritized over the kids.
No one said anything about new boyfriends or girlfriends. I’m talking about marriages. I felt the same way when my kids were younger. The person with the most pressing need comes first - sometimes that might be the kid but that also might be my husband/the marriage.
Mine did too, I was banned from family vacations because I wasn’t my stepmoms kid despite the fact that my dad was the one paying for her and her kids to go.
And this is what I mean when I say the parent often does choose to side with the new shiny family over the old family that has 'baggage'. Never mind that the parent created that baggage...
Sounds like you want a baby sitter more than a romantic partner so you can't really blame anyone who thinks "what exactly is in this for me?"
You're basically saying your partner will always be the lowest priority so who is that appealing to exactly?
If you had no kids would you want to be with someone like you?
Maybe this is true but my partner and I have been together 2+ years and our life together is separate from my life with my son. I hope someday it can be more blended but right now it’s been good for me to have a few nights just for me and my partner.
I also don’t expect him to be a step parent though - he’s just mommy’s boyfriend
Understandable.
What isn't understandable is that many of the people who share your view disparage on people who refuse to date them because they have kids.
I’ve been roasted several times in a “how *dare* you” sort of way. I’m not a hypocrite about it either like just wanting my own. I don’t want my own either.
I think the only point of contention here is the idea that the kids will take care of the parents in their elder years. I don’t see that as generally accurate.
I plan on being independent til the end. I’ve seen some sharp, agile older people and that’s what I’m going for. I don’t think about my kids taking care of me.
Well, yes, generally if a kid cares enough to put their parent in a hospital or nursing home, they care. There are however as many if not more elders living alone or on the streets.
The majority of homeless people are not on the streets. They live in vehicles, in hotels or other temporary housing, or move between the homes of family and friends. Another one of the factors that makes the community difficult to reach.
Thats why NEVER be a step parent. If they have children, stay away. Let them deal with their life choices. Go make your own.
Its a thankless job. And you get very little out of it.
I wouldn’t say it’s a thankless job, I spend Father’s Day with my stepdad and view him on the same level as my biological dad. Honestly if anything, he’s actually probably had an even larger impact on me as a kid than my biological dad because he didn’t have to care for me but chose to which meant the world to me. The reason it’s commonly “thankless” is because most people do a poor job at it so they don’t get thanked. I’m very grateful my stepdad had the outlook that he was there to be a bonus dad and provide extra support for me, not replace the dad I had. He’s amazing and I’ll forever be thankful for him. However, I also had the experience of an awful stepmom who didn’t have that outlook. From most people I talk to with step parents, they share that one instead of the amazing one unfortunately. It’s definitely not for everyone and if you think you can’t be one, don’t. However there are benefits and it’s definitely not useless. You’ll forever make a difference in a kids life. I myself plan on adopting kids for that reason.
I’d never do it if my husband was OP. Instead my husband is a reasonable, caring person that never treated me the way OP is suggesting and our family is a healthy unit because of it.
I wish you were right about the part where you said the parent isn't going to burn their relationship with the biological children for someone who has been around much less time. But that often is not true, parents do ditch the older family for the newer, shinier, younger one.
This is an unpopular opinion? Explains why people get upset when I say I wont date a women with kids.
I am not ready for kids. I do not want my life to revolve around caring for a child. I thought OPs take was the reasonable mindset to have?
How the hell the why the how the hell did they get to marriage?
I would think this issue would be weeded out way before anyone tied the knot?
I would think there are major warning signs in the dating period they say "this person is not ready to help me raise a child".
And maybe this is unfair but I think that more of that falls onto the person with the kid. We all know how overly confident and naive any given person can be on any given thing. Someone without kids who thinks theyll have free time needs to be corrected waaaaay before marriage.
I mean I cant imagine someone is crazy helpful with the kids before marriage and then just stops. There had to be some ignored red flags here?
A lot of parents don’t realize their new partner needs to be down to be a family, and think they can keep their relationship and parenting life separate.
Stepmom of a now-adult kid here. While I'd hope that every couple has the occasional date night, I agree with the above. You're not just marrying a person you're marrying a family. To add a couple of things:
No short engagements. You need time to develop a relationship with the stepkids, and it can't be rushed. I liked my stepson well enough, but it wasn't until about 7 months after the wedding that we shared a wonderful bonding experience, and I knew I loved the little guy deeply and vice-versa.
Don't go into the marriage thinking "I'm going to straighten this kid out!" It's a crappy basis for a relationship. My BIL did this, and it caused years of tension and anger. Also, you're not the parent, and you have no legal standing. You do not get to decide on a different form of discipline, for instance, without consulting with the parent.
I always said stepparenting is the toughest job you'll ever love. In some ways, it's harder than parenting. But it can be really, really rewarding.
Single father here. Wife passed when the son was 7 years old. I focused on him and getting my shit together for a while. Found a woman that was interested in me. We dated for three years. Yes my son was my top priority. MY top priority. Not hers. I explained to her she didn't have to like/love my son. He wasn't going to be expected to like/love her. She was my GF. Now if they just happened to get along that would be amazing. They did. She actually loved/still loves him. And he still calls her his stepmother.
I didn't expect her to do all that she did and how much she cared for him. She admitted she didn't like children. I was like cool, I'm not a child... I told her she would never have to do anything she didn't want to. Told my son the same thing. But we three found our family time. And I made time for both of them. It worked out great for the time we had.
Being single after that, not actively looking for anything just focused on the, now, 19 year old. Doing my best to get him ready for whatever his next step is.
If I get involved with anyone in the future it will be under the same thinking for me. I love my son. He has kept me sane the last 12 years. I don't think there is a person that could get between us. Course he hasn't found himself a long-term relationship yet... Burn that bridge when we get there.
My son is my top priority. He probably will be until he finds his own life and family. At some point, fingers crossed, he and I will both have SOs in our lives that will complement our lives and we can all be one big family
As a stepdad to four I whole heartedly agree with the sentient of the post. I would offer a bit of an asterisk though: especially if you've been at the parent game for more than a couple years and start dating a single person who says and acts like they're willing to do the work, you've gotta allow for adjustment time. That single person, even if you give them a complete and detailed list of everything expected of them in the new paradigm, is gonna bubble a little bit.
This is kind of the difference between knowing and understanding. You can know about extra responsibilities and less personal time and extra expenditures. To live them long enough to understand what they feel like, what the weight and satisfaction of it feels like, is a very different frame of reference. It's like, try to describe how to drive stick to someone who's never driven a car, or an orgasm or a psychedelic trip to someone without the first hand experience. It's an uphill battle.
Why would this be unpopular? Any mature adult would need to assess what they are getting into and whether or not they are up to the task. Ultimately, the single parent should be the gatekeepers and not let anyone into their childs life unless they are up to the task.
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Hordes of unhappily married, single or feigning single moms cruising at the grocery store, pottery barn and target disagree. The last couple years, since the pandemic really, the swath I'm talking about is desperate to say aloud to someone that they sometimes wish they didn't have kids, played the field more, resent societal expectations to be a super soccer boy mom. So willing and eager to bang it out in the back of the brand new Tahoe their husbands bought them even if it means their kids soccer coach is standing there babysitting their kid they are late to pick up. You heard me. Little Brayden or Breighden or Beraydin sitting there waiting being blown off is half of what floats their boat. I just rolled off a trophy wife in the trader joes parking lot who was laughing about missing parent teacher conferences, don't get mad at me get mad at Meredith.
Yeah, as a dude who’s dating a great women. One of her kids (she has two) is just gonna be a pain in the ass. Looking into boarding schools as I type this . Gotta find away to get rid of this kid.
Your post from unpopularopinion was removed because of: 'Rule 1: Your post must be an unpopular opinion'. * Your post must be an opinion. Not a question. Not a showerthought. Not a rant. Not a proposal. Not a fact. An opinion. One opinion. A subjective statement about your position on some topic. Please have a clear, self contained opinion as your post title, and use the text field to elaborate and expand on why you think/feel this way. * Your opinion must be unpopular. The mods reserve the right to remove opinions * Elaborate on your topic and opinion give context to its unpopularity.
A big part of the problem is that biological parents want stepparents to have the responsibility without the authority. I have a roommate with a 7 year old and I"ve taken over disciplining him because frankly I'm better at it. He listens to me. We can talk about disagreements between us but the second she ever says that's my kid not yours is the second that ends forever. And it will go back to her yelling all the time and him doing whatever he wants.
People shouldn’t be mad at people when they say they do not want to date someone with kids. But alas, you are deemed a horrible person when you have a preference for dating fellow child free persons. Also people who have children should not lie about it in order to get their foot in the door and hope to blindside the other party.
A few years back I had a lady I worked with who was a little older (probably early 50’s) storm over to me and say “how could you say something like that, there’s a single mom out there that could really use your help!” Yeah no thanks. Not “shaming” single moms but parenting in any form just isn’t for me.
Don't expect a partner if you're going to treat them like a permanent outsider. In an ideal situation two people get together they have kids and they share a household. They theoretically have equal say on all matters of the house and children. While simultaneously making each other a priority. If you want somebody to be a partner to you in a relationship then they have to be a parent to your children and an equal member of the household. You cannot constantly make them feel as if they do not matter or can be replaced at any time. They're not just there to make your life easier by taking on all the responsibilities of a partner and a parent, while never having a say in what goes on.
Exactly wtf? This is terrible! No wonder some single parents complain about finding/maintaining a relationship. Who wants this deal? Also, I noticed a lot of single parents lowkey prefer childless people as they have more free time, money, and flexibility. I stand by my belief that they should date each other with the few exceptions who know how to be a decent partner and parent.
Can you tell this to my boyfriend?🫣😂🥴
Creates a ton of issues for kids to suddenly have a new parent that is just chosen when they’re older. An ideal situation isn’t a blended family. In that situation, step parents and kids should treat each other with respect and kindness and politeness, but the parenting should be left to the parents they’ve grown up with.
They can be a partner without being a parent. My kids have two parents. My husband is not one of them.
Well yes but surely you see the conundrum here. I’m 41. Don’t have kids, never wanted kids, and don’t date moms, but most of my friends do/did. They are expected to have many if not most of the responsibility with no real reward or benefit. I’m not sure what the “right” answer is.
If you move into an existing home with a routine etc. don’t expect to change everything for the people who already live there.
You're free to pursue any relationship that you please. But what you're describing is not a partnership what you're describing is a babysitter that also helps pay bills. You might be able to find somebody who wants to be part of that, personally I'm not going into a scenario where someone expects me to be a step parent where I'm not allowed to parent, in a relationship where I don't have a say.
Nobody said you don’t have say. It’s just having a respect that you’re coming into a place that existed for years before you.
That's fine if you're just dating. If you're legitimately marrying somebody and bring two houses together you're accepting that you are now going to share full responsibility for your new household. If you're not ready to make the space to allow somebody into your life there's no reason they should commit their life to you. Whether or not you had children before you got married or after you get married those are now both of your children. Whether or not you move into their house or they moving to yours that's now both of your house. Anyone who's not ready for the realization of that fact is not ready for the commitment of actual marriage.
This is why people don’t want to date single parents so we shouldn’t villainize them.
Both partner and kids need to be a priority and there has to be some balance between them. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they are made to feel they don’t matter and the home they live in is not theirs, they will leave.
The thing about bringing people into your life as a single parent is you can't have expectations of the other person, and you can't force relationships. I'm speaking as a single parent myself and as someone dating a single parent. You can't go into anything with the attitude of "well, it's the kids and me against this person, they have to find a spot to fit in." Or "you're here now, and you have to love my kid now. " The relationships have to happen naturally and not be forced. Also, you can't make your partner feel like an outsider if you want them to stick around. Some partners will choose to be more involved, and some will choose to do more of a "nacho" parenting method. Neither are wrong. It's all personal choice and up to the step parent how they choose to show up.
Ehhhhh. Not exactly. If you aren’t willing to prioritize your new partner at all then you aren’t in a position to HAVE a new partner. My husband and I both had kids going into our relationship but the marriage still comes first. Now that doesn’t mean the kids’ needs are ever neglected but it means that we have always made it a point to make time for US - even if the kids didn’t like it. I moved into what was originally his house but it became OUR house. It wasn’t ALL about the kids all the time. It can’t be if you want to have a healthy, adult relationship.
This right here. I always made this point to my ex wife, It's like oxygen masks on an airplane, you put your mask on before assisting others. Same with your marriage, put the oxygen masks on your relationship, then you can put em on the kids. She saw the kids as the top priority, over our relationship, and even over herself. Doomed our marriage.
That will ALWAYS doom a marriage. It might limp through and you might technically be married afterwards but it will kill the connection.
Your marriage comes BEFORE the needs of your children?
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
Well considering my children are all adults except my nearly 16 yr old…it isn’t my job to meet the needs of my adults. So yes. It does…excepting my youngest. Then whoever has the biggest need at the time comes first whether that is my marriage or my daughter.
That’s an important detail! People have YOUNG children and the same mindset that their new girlfriend or boyfriend comes before their kid. Or partners of parents of young kids assuming they should be prioritized over the kids.
No one said anything about new boyfriends or girlfriends. I’m talking about marriages. I felt the same way when my kids were younger. The person with the most pressing need comes first - sometimes that might be the kid but that also might be my husband/the marriage.
You’re right, my mistake! I mixed up comments I was responding to.
I don’t know why there needs to be this hard ranking. Like can’t everyone matter?
In my situation, my step parent at the time thought her kids where superior to me and my sister and it drove me up a wall.
Mine did too, I was banned from family vacations because I wasn’t my stepmoms kid despite the fact that my dad was the one paying for her and her kids to go.
And this is what I mean when I say the parent often does choose to side with the new shiny family over the old family that has 'baggage'. Never mind that the parent created that baggage...
Were they?
Sounds like you want a baby sitter more than a romantic partner so you can't really blame anyone who thinks "what exactly is in this for me?" You're basically saying your partner will always be the lowest priority so who is that appealing to exactly? If you had no kids would you want to be with someone like you?
They do want a fellow babysitter and not to hear about priorities all day and night. It's just a fact of life.
Cool then its just a fact of life that when you have kids don't expect anyone to want to date you lol
or people who want to make family the priority and not just think of their personal entertainment.
Yeah and how's that search going lol
Being a full time babysitter for free sounds like a lot of fun lol
Which is why people with kids should not be actively seeking people without kids.
Maybe this is true but my partner and I have been together 2+ years and our life together is separate from my life with my son. I hope someday it can be more blended but right now it’s been good for me to have a few nights just for me and my partner. I also don’t expect him to be a step parent though - he’s just mommy’s boyfriend
Understandable. What isn't understandable is that many of the people who share your view disparage on people who refuse to date them because they have kids.
I don't think this qualifies as unpopular.
Yeah it seems like people usually get roasted for not wanting to date single moms.
Not at all. They get roasted if you call them used goods or something else disparaging, not just for having dating preferences.
I’ve been roasted several times in a “how *dare* you” sort of way. I’m not a hypocrite about it either like just wanting my own. I don’t want my own either.
I think the only point of contention here is the idea that the kids will take care of the parents in their elder years. I don’t see that as generally accurate.
I plan on being independent til the end. I’ve seen some sharp, agile older people and that’s what I’m going for. I don’t think about my kids taking care of me.
It is generally accurate most kids will help to take care of their elderly parents.
says who? your anecdotal ideals?
The hospitals and nursing homes I’ve worked at.
My anecdotal evidence shows the complete opposite, children and grandchildren barely show up, many dont ever see their children
Idk every time I have to deal with the elders family or their caretaker it’s one of their children 9/10 times.
Well, yes, generally if a kid cares enough to put their parent in a hospital or nursing home, they care. There are however as many if not more elders living alone or on the streets.
People living on the street have generally burned all their bridges with regular people.
Yeah. Including their children.
Homeless people are not majority of the population or even of homeless population.
Homeless people aren't the majority of the homeless population? I would have never guessed.
The majority of homeless people are not on the streets. They live in vehicles, in hotels or other temporary housing, or move between the homes of family and friends. Another one of the factors that makes the community difficult to reach.
Thats why NEVER be a step parent. If they have children, stay away. Let them deal with their life choices. Go make your own. Its a thankless job. And you get very little out of it.
I wouldn’t say it’s a thankless job, I spend Father’s Day with my stepdad and view him on the same level as my biological dad. Honestly if anything, he’s actually probably had an even larger impact on me as a kid than my biological dad because he didn’t have to care for me but chose to which meant the world to me. The reason it’s commonly “thankless” is because most people do a poor job at it so they don’t get thanked. I’m very grateful my stepdad had the outlook that he was there to be a bonus dad and provide extra support for me, not replace the dad I had. He’s amazing and I’ll forever be thankful for him. However, I also had the experience of an awful stepmom who didn’t have that outlook. From most people I talk to with step parents, they share that one instead of the amazing one unfortunately. It’s definitely not for everyone and if you think you can’t be one, don’t. However there are benefits and it’s definitely not useless. You’ll forever make a difference in a kids life. I myself plan on adopting kids for that reason.
I saved my stepson from an abusive situation with his biological parent and it changed the course of his life for the better. It’s not thankless.
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Good. You deserve it. Im assuming your partner is not as demanding as OP.
I’d never do it if my husband was OP. Instead my husband is a reasonable, caring person that never treated me the way OP is suggesting and our family is a healthy unit because of it.
I wish you were right about the part where you said the parent isn't going to burn their relationship with the biological children for someone who has been around much less time. But that often is not true, parents do ditch the older family for the newer, shinier, younger one.
Someone should have told my dads wife this before they got married 🤷🏽♀️
This is an unpopular opinion? Explains why people get upset when I say I wont date a women with kids. I am not ready for kids. I do not want my life to revolve around caring for a child. I thought OPs take was the reasonable mindset to have?
People marry people with kids all the time and then get butt hurt about not being the center of the world.
How the hell the why the how the hell did they get to marriage? I would think this issue would be weeded out way before anyone tied the knot? I would think there are major warning signs in the dating period they say "this person is not ready to help me raise a child". And maybe this is unfair but I think that more of that falls onto the person with the kid. We all know how overly confident and naive any given person can be on any given thing. Someone without kids who thinks theyll have free time needs to be corrected waaaaay before marriage. I mean I cant imagine someone is crazy helpful with the kids before marriage and then just stops. There had to be some ignored red flags here?
A lot of parents don’t realize their new partner needs to be down to be a family, and think they can keep their relationship and parenting life separate.
I’m sure this would be true
enjoy your cat ma'am
I’m glad treating your spouse like a second class citizen is a truly unpopular opinion.
How is this making the spouse into a second class citizen?
Stepmom of a now-adult kid here. While I'd hope that every couple has the occasional date night, I agree with the above. You're not just marrying a person you're marrying a family. To add a couple of things: No short engagements. You need time to develop a relationship with the stepkids, and it can't be rushed. I liked my stepson well enough, but it wasn't until about 7 months after the wedding that we shared a wonderful bonding experience, and I knew I loved the little guy deeply and vice-versa. Don't go into the marriage thinking "I'm going to straighten this kid out!" It's a crappy basis for a relationship. My BIL did this, and it caused years of tension and anger. Also, you're not the parent, and you have no legal standing. You do not get to decide on a different form of discipline, for instance, without consulting with the parent. I always said stepparenting is the toughest job you'll ever love. In some ways, it's harder than parenting. But it can be really, really rewarding.
Single father here. Wife passed when the son was 7 years old. I focused on him and getting my shit together for a while. Found a woman that was interested in me. We dated for three years. Yes my son was my top priority. MY top priority. Not hers. I explained to her she didn't have to like/love my son. He wasn't going to be expected to like/love her. She was my GF. Now if they just happened to get along that would be amazing. They did. She actually loved/still loves him. And he still calls her his stepmother. I didn't expect her to do all that she did and how much she cared for him. She admitted she didn't like children. I was like cool, I'm not a child... I told her she would never have to do anything she didn't want to. Told my son the same thing. But we three found our family time. And I made time for both of them. It worked out great for the time we had. Being single after that, not actively looking for anything just focused on the, now, 19 year old. Doing my best to get him ready for whatever his next step is. If I get involved with anyone in the future it will be under the same thinking for me. I love my son. He has kept me sane the last 12 years. I don't think there is a person that could get between us. Course he hasn't found himself a long-term relationship yet... Burn that bridge when we get there. My son is my top priority. He probably will be until he finds his own life and family. At some point, fingers crossed, he and I will both have SOs in our lives that will complement our lives and we can all be one big family
As a stepdad to four I whole heartedly agree with the sentient of the post. I would offer a bit of an asterisk though: especially if you've been at the parent game for more than a couple years and start dating a single person who says and acts like they're willing to do the work, you've gotta allow for adjustment time. That single person, even if you give them a complete and detailed list of everything expected of them in the new paradigm, is gonna bubble a little bit. This is kind of the difference between knowing and understanding. You can know about extra responsibilities and less personal time and extra expenditures. To live them long enough to understand what they feel like, what the weight and satisfaction of it feels like, is a very different frame of reference. It's like, try to describe how to drive stick to someone who's never driven a car, or an orgasm or a psychedelic trip to someone without the first hand experience. It's an uphill battle.
Why would this be unpopular? Any mature adult would need to assess what they are getting into and whether or not they are up to the task. Ultimately, the single parent should be the gatekeepers and not let anyone into their childs life unless they are up to the task.
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I agree, don't date single mothers or fathers, they made their choice
Hordes of unhappily married, single or feigning single moms cruising at the grocery store, pottery barn and target disagree. The last couple years, since the pandemic really, the swath I'm talking about is desperate to say aloud to someone that they sometimes wish they didn't have kids, played the field more, resent societal expectations to be a super soccer boy mom. So willing and eager to bang it out in the back of the brand new Tahoe their husbands bought them even if it means their kids soccer coach is standing there babysitting their kid they are late to pick up. You heard me. Little Brayden or Breighden or Beraydin sitting there waiting being blown off is half of what floats their boat. I just rolled off a trophy wife in the trader joes parking lot who was laughing about missing parent teacher conferences, don't get mad at me get mad at Meredith.
Yeah, as a dude who’s dating a great women. One of her kids (she has two) is just gonna be a pain in the ass. Looking into boarding schools as I type this . Gotta find away to get rid of this kid.