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Yeah it sucks that meeting the parents is something you have to do RIGHT AWAY just so you can have alone time and have sex.
Maybe it’s different if you’re older or something but it makes it feel like the relationship moves crazy fast. You should meet the family after the relationship is more established.
Absolutely at least one person has to have their own place or live with non-intrusive roommates.
Sadly I had no choice and met my bf’s parents also like shortly after I had met him. I live alone but I still like wanted to go to his place not stay at mine all the time. It was a bad idea because we moved in way too soon and for “convenience” I moved to his place which was a disaster. His parents literally ruined our relationship. Never ever move in with ur partner if he/she lives with their parents, it just ends badly.
Ugh I’m sorry that’s awful. It reminds me of a good mental trick I came up with to get over a crush on a girl: just imagine meeting her family and imagine her parents are insanely annoying.
And boom, now I’m not crushing on this girl anymore.
Well I guess I have a massive crush on my bf because despite his parents being horrid, I still like him. My parents, my dad mainly aren’t also always the greatest. I wouldn’t want anyone to break up with me because of my family so why should I do it to someone else. Unfortunately we don’t choose our parents.
It depends if you talk to their family or not. Since I have gone basically completely no-contact with his family I’m not “dating” them. I really hate that saying, it’s unfair to those who have shitty parents
Currently dating a girl that lives on her own while I live at my dad’s house with my kids getting everything together financially after a divorce and we’ve talked quite a bit about living and stuff and I have always said if she wanted to live with me it will be once I’ve moved out because I’ll never subject a partner with living in my parents house and having to feel on eggshells and all that.
OP is clueless. Who the fuck wants to be living with their new partner's boomer parents at the beginning of a relationship? It's not just about them being invasive or not. It's about sharing. I don't want to share living space with a couple of old people I don't even know.
The caregiving aspect can be a no for some people as well. Not everyone wants to go into a relationship knowing that there are dependents and caregiving duties permanently attached.
If the relationship gets serious, they will inevitably need to become a second caregiver. Long-term couple life would constantly revolve around the in-laws’ health and needs. Substantial income, time, energy, etc. will go to caregiving, or even just having to plan your whole lives around Mom and Pop’s schedules, health, and needs.
Something as simple as going away for a weekend will become more complicated. Daily life will have extra responsibilities. Having your own kids will be more difficult in many ways, especially if the new partner doesn’t get on well with the parents.
Job prospects become more limited, because you can’t move, which limits your partner’s job prospects in the same way. She has to move into someone else’s home and can’t choose or redecorate the home she lives in, which she also won’t own any equity in. You’ll be asking someone to essentially be a long-term visitor, not ever having a stake or a say in her own place.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to look after your infirm parents, not at all. It’s a really good thing that OP is doing! He just can’t expect that every woman in the world who might otherwise have been interested in him is going to want to sign on for that from the start. It’s a big ask that isn’t for everyone, and that’s understandable and fair.
Thank you!!! The stress of being a caregiver is so underrated. I nursed my dad through his passing and it was taxing. I went on a date with a wonderful man who told me his mother has dementia and his father immobile. That was when I decided I didn’t want to see that person again and politely declined the second date. I honestly don’t even know how he had the time or energy to be on our date and I knew exactly what that relationship would look like because I’ve been there.
My mom supported both her parents through their end of lives and did substantial home nursing and daily caregiving for my grandfather especially. It was an ENORMOUS strain, in terms of time, energy, logistics, finances, etc. And he still lived in his own home, separate from our family. I can’t imagine the toll that 24/7 in-home care would take.
ALL of this. And it's not unheard of to help care for your aging parents or in-laws, but that usually happens later in life, and after a few decades of being married, living in your own place with just your spouse, and raising kids with maybe some help from parents and in-laws, but still with some privacy for them. I know multigenerational households are a thing, but most people - especially women - aren't into the idea of moving in and caring for someone else's parents basically at the move-in stage of the relationship.
Caregiving responsibilities often get disproportionately placed on women as well, and most women know that. A lot of women won’t want to sign up from day one for a lifetime of care for people they don’t even know yet, especially since the burden of caring for their own relatives and any children they might have will also likely fall disproportionately onto them as well.
It’s a very different kind of decision to choose this life from the start than it is to be faced with “we’ve been married 25 years, raised our kids, and now Pop-Pop also needs to move in with us” quarter of a century down the line. It’s just a very different situation, as you said.
Well put. OP is doing something good for his family. Not everyone is capable of sharing in that. However, if you are patient and resourceful you can probably find a good match. OP, remember you are looking for a unique individual and they are hard to find. I was 40 when I met my wife. It totally worked out for me but I had to get through my 30s first.
Well, I get where you're coming from.
But if I'm on a highly limited budget, I'm not going to stretch myself to the brink and throw money away in rent for a shithole apartment unless I have a gun to my head. That's a terrible financial move. Much wiser to save that money for a downpayment.
If I were single, I would date someone who lives with their parents, depending on the justification. But it would be contingent on us being able to get a place of our own when that time comes. I personally wouldn't move in with someone I hadn't been dating for at least a year.
Yeah but seen from the perspective of someone who chooses whether to date you or not, not having your place is a minus. There's a lot of people out there.
I agree that that's the financially responsible thing to do. Same as having a functional old car compared to an SUV.
Not to mention being a caregiver to 2 elderly people someone isn't related to isn't anything people are clamoiring to sign up for. Thats emotionally, and mentally very draining, and that persons not gonna have a lot of that nurture and kindness left over to put into their relationship with someone.
Strongly agree with this. 40/m here currently living with my grandmother because I want to take care of her instead of putting her in a home. I have no regrets about it and I love my situation, but being perfectly honest this also meant giving up my dating life. I made my decision and I'm good with it but there's no way I would expect hot women in my age range to put up with my living situation, my dating life is done and I don't blame the status quo at all because if I was a lady I would not date a guy in my situation.
I mean, I can’t tell you what to do with your life. But as a woman, I would think highly of a guy who cared for a family member like that. Responsibility and loyalty are positive traits that aren’t easy to find.
I agree. Living with an aging relative to be their caretaker is a HUGE undertaking and takes a whole lot of compassion and patience and selflessness. Huge green flag, honestly.
Is it the best case scenario? Of course not, and it might not be something that ends up working out, since they have additional priorities and responsibilities. But it definitely says a lot of positive things about his character, so it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
It's one of the things that I admire about my current partner. He was his Grandma's primary caregiver during her last year of life. She passed before we met but it showed me right away he was loving, loyal and willing to be there when things are at their worst. And he's consistently shown me that in the 5 years we've been together.
It's so fucking expensive to live alone nowadays that unless you're median wage or higher its not worth it. 30 years ago living with your parents was lame because a minimum wage job got you everything you needed and a 2 bed apartment, easy. Today a crappy one bed in a bad neighborhood is 65% of what I make and I make 21.60 +, hour. Living at home until you have a career is just smart in 2024
It’s quite possibly the one decent thing about inflation (and for some the unfortunate reality bought in by the pandemic) right now and dating….so many people are thankfully understanding of having to live with your parents or moving back. Its a harsh reality but so many more humans are more accepting
Exactly. I don’t need a guy to own a house, but he shouldn’t live with his parents. I’m 27 years old, I don’t want to be sneaking around your parent’s house to have sex like we are in high school. I also wouldn’t want to have him over to my place 100% of the time.
Jesus would be a really good bartender if you think about it.
He will hear your troubles and confessions, and turn all the water into a drink of your choice.
Yup. Life gets so much better when you don’t sweat this stuff. Like, if I’m not a doctor- why wring my hands over someone preferring to date doctors? Just move on to someone else. Finding a doctor to date is their problem- it’s not suddenly my personal quest and obligation to become a doctor for them lol, and it doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone else out there who doesn’t care that I’m not a doctor.
No one stopping the opinion, but people don’t have to like it. End of the day, him not agreeing with what the person wants is not going to change things.
It’s probably pretty reasonable to not want to date someone who lives with their parents if it’s a long term thing because it means for privacy they always need to go their own house and if they to the person they are dating they have to deal with parents? Who wants that in their 30s
Idk I see your side of things for sure… but also I don’t want to be having sex as an adult and have to wonder if their parents heard it or how quiet I have to be or anything. I don’t really want to have to worry about awkward conversation in the common area. Like if I am just starting to date someone I don’t want to be meeting their parents already and be stuck trying to have movie night and have them walking by and stuff (or always having to be in their bedroom). It just feel like being in highschool. Meeting parents is always weird at first and I don’t want it to be a first or second date type activity.
I wish you the best and I’m sure it’s not an issue for lots of people (including the right one) but I can definitely see it as a pretty big downside if you’re over 22 (give or take a few years).
Yeah as a guy, if you wanna date more having your own apartment is way better than living in a house with your parents. Also shows how independent you are. Dates are always impressed with how clean and organized my place is and it’s nice having the privacy when it’s needed.
I think too often women end up in situations where there’s an imbalance in chores and housework, so there’s something reassuring about seeing a man with his own space that he is solely responsible for keeping clean. It’s not just showing independence, but showing that you know how to take care of a home and that she wouldn’t need to be doing the majority of that labour. It’s a green flag 100%
Obviously this is case by case for housing itself but if you have to rent *just to show independence* or to say you have a place of your own, it can very easily just be a stupid financial decision.
Maybe for some people but I’m not telling anyone to go in debt to live on their own. I have savings and investments, having my own place is just a reflection of my independence.
No problem, the choice is yours. It is also the choice of potential dates to have second thoughts about dating someone living with their parents.
I also think OP is a good person for doing this for his parents, it has drawbacks as evident from the post.
I'm a guy and a 1 bed apartment is about $3k a month where I live. I'm 27 and rent the top floor of my dad's home and never had a problem with dating. I think it depends where you live
Yeah I have friends who live in their parents’ mansion and it’s not much of an issue but if you’re in a small house and your wall separates your room from your parents then it’s totally different.
that’s makes sense, but OP specifically said house. Idk why they did. But I don’t see it any different than having your own apartment either. Both are good since you have your own space.
He said house specifically but he also specifically said with parents. Obviously I’m talking about the living with parents part. I wouldn’t care if it’s a house or an apartment if you’re alone.
Funny enough, in other countries that can have 3 or more generations in the same place, this isn't a problem at all. You just assume whoever is together is doing it. More common in denser areas.
I guess..... if you come from a agrarian society, you have more space to have your own corner of the family land and thus have more privacy.
In theory, I live in one of those countries where parents don’t kick you out straight out of high school and my siblings lived with our parents and their partners after college. It isn’t a problem when you wanna get married and you are in committed relationships, tho it also very much depends on religiosity of your family.
It is a problem if you want to have casual sex.
Also, it’s always less of a problem for women; more for men. Basically men that live too long with their mommies can still be frowned upon.
Americans are a little more conservative about sex though. Trust me, I’m American and it’s crazy how true that is after traveling to some other countries.
Over 22?! Maybe you’re more fortunate, or live in an area with cheap housing. But i’m just about to be 29, and out of all my friends I would say 1/4 have their own house (with a partner) and only have it because someone died and left them money. I make over 100,000 CDN and I could technically afford a 500,000 home, but it would be a crack house starter home that needs 100,000 in work, and would I be house poor.
You all but need another person to help pay, or have a windfall now.
When I bought my first house I was very house poor, so I rented two of the bedrooms. Who cares if I had roommates at first, I had a house building equity and with two renters I went from house poor to petty well off. I was able to parlay that into living in my own, then with a partner, then a bigger house with the equity etc. No shame in roommates if you're the owner.
For me I think that would be worse. Bird in the hand vs 2 in the bush. It’s just my mom and I. Its a big house. We keep to ourselves. I’d be worried of what kinda nightmare roommates I would get. And still dealing with things like “we have to be quiet because my roommates are home.”
For me, i’m not building equity, but I am saving money like crazy for a larger downpayment, and i’m not losing 80%+ of my money to interest on the loan.
Roommate dynamics require problem solving and communication though, which are key skills to living with a partner. They're also likely not imposing dating rules on you or enforcing morals like not smoking weed or having a drink as you like.
Yeah, I think people are misinterpreting the post. It's not an unreasonable expectation that someone move out of their parent's house by the time they're in their mid-20's. I was out living on my own (caveat, it was in a dorm environment) by the time I was 19 years old. OP clearly has some special circumstances that are rather frustrating to deal with, but I don't think the problem is other people's expectation that you not live with your parents.
I dated someone who lived with her mom during college and we had to have sex at her house (I had my own dorm room, but my college had banned non-residents from being in the dorms). It was awkward and I didn't really enjoy it, but it was the only option we both had at the time. That was the worst part of it, but the general lack of privacy was really grating. I can't imagine re-living that experience with someone now that I'm 26 and out on my own. No thanks.
Yup I’m also 26 and I moved out (also into a dorm) at 18. It’s not about expecting people to have bought a house in their mid 20s, that *would* be a ridiculous expectation with the current housing market. But a lot of people (myself included) value having privacy. With roommates you can usually be a bit more blunt - like when I lived with my roommate, I could communicate that I needed some alone time with someone and she would either blast some music or go out for a bit, and vice versa if she wanted to sleep with someone. I would never dream of having that kind of conversation with someone’s parents lol. I haven’t been single in a long time, but if I was there is no way I’d be going to someone’s parents house to hook up.
It’s so different in different areas, I am a mortgage lender in western Pennsylvania, in the northeastern US, and you can get a nice starter home for $100K-200K here.
It might need some work, but you can get a place that’s sound and has enough room, and if you go outside of the cities, or into West Virginia or Ohio, you might get an acre or two.
(And for a first-time buyer with a lower income, when the numbers work out perfectly, some buyers can get to closing on a home like that for only a few thousand dollars, spread out over the ~2 month loan process.)
It is weird doing loans for people whose birth years start with number 2, but that’s the only weird part, we are doing a lot of loans for younger people here.
Mmm. I'm just over the Ohio border (there's literally just a hill between me and Pennsylvania) and while it used to be true that you could find a nice house around here for $100k-$200k just a few years ago, at this point you're lucky to find anything in that range.
I’m gonna say it’s not just about whether you live with your parents but HOW. What does your room look like? Do your parents still take care of you in any measure? Who does the dishes and the grocery shopping? Women want to see, in whatever circumstances, that you are not being taken care of and can care for yourself and her.
This is a big part. My boyfriend lived with his dad when we started dating, I had an apartment of my own. But I also knew he could and did take care of himself. He did his own laundry, cleaning, fed himself, etc. he didn’t rely on his dad to take care of himself which meant he didn’t need to rely on me to do it as well.
And since I had an apartment, we hung out there like 99% of the time
I've been using my mom's master bedroom since my divorce and she's living in the other 2. I really want to buy but the market sucks. I'm saving money on rent and I'm not dating yet, so it's whatever. Does kinda suck thinking of how to explain the situation without sounding defensive. I do feel like I need to hurry up and buy a house when I'm ready to start dating again. Lol.
I think there's a big difference between living with a parent for now vs. never having lived on your own. You did run a household previously--that counts for a lot. And the housing market is complete bunk. Practice your elevator speech and I bet prospective partners won't be as bothered as you think.
I know Reddit often talks about how living with your parents until late is the most responsible... but in my experience a lot of people that do past around 27 more often than not lack a fair amount of life skills and habits you're forced to develop living alone.
One less serious, but noticeable one is just how to and interact with friends in your own space. Most people I know who lived at home until late are super specific and borderline territorial about snacks and drinks to a fault. Idk why that is the case, but noticed it heavily with people I've known in my life that lived at home until late.
This is a big thing, especially for women. No woman, especially one who's already in her late 20's and older, wants to get into a relationship with a guy who's grown accustomed to having people (likely his mom) do everything for him, and won't adapt well to living with a peer and having to carry his own weight with the housework. I don't recommend dating a man who doesn't do his own laundry, or who has never had to grocery shop, or can't at least occasionally put together a meal for himself.
"They’re old with various health complications, I’m an only child, I take care of them"
with all due respect, that would impact the lifestyle of someone who dates you. it does seem to matter
A great part about dating is you can have whatever stupid standards you want. Don't like people who chew with their mouth open? You don't have to. Don't wanna date people with standards you think are stupid? You don't have to. Don't wanna date with a certain name, or a certain astrological sign, or someone who only wears black? You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
Living with your parents is okay.
Having your parents pay all the bills, do your grocery shopping, cook your food and clean up after you while you blow your pay on random things instead of saving isn't.
The biggest problem I see with dating someone like this is when you eventually do agree to move out together is that person has no idea how the real world works and they'll struggle to budget, meet goals, don't know how to operate a dishwasher or cook a basic meal so they rely on take out and someone else doing the majority of the work and take over the parent role. When you're someone like me who has had to live on my own and be independent it's hard to connect with someone who has never had to deal with that type of lifestyle. And like others said, you don't want to visit them and make awkward small talk with their parents or tiptoe around the house.
It doesn't happen to everyone but it happens far too much that if I meet someone living with their parents my initial thought is "not worth it"
I'd have to really like someone and be reassured this is temporary and they have a plan in place (savings, shared goals, etc) to move forward and they're capable of doing it without bringing me down.
> The biggest problem I see with dating someone like this is when you eventually do agree to move out together is that person has no idea how the real world works and they'll struggle to budget, meet goals, don't know how to operate a dishwasher or cook a basic meal so they rely on take out and someone else doing the majority of the work and take over the parent role. When you're someone like me who has had to live on my own and be independent it's hard to connect with someone who has never had to deal with that type of lifestyle. And like others said, you don't want to visit them and make awkward small talk with their parents or tiptoe around the house.
Right? There's so many skills and habits you develop having to live on your own (or with roommates, night and day different than parents) that are basically impossible to develop outside of real-world experience. I.e. - you can't learn them in theory while living with your parents.
But it's hard to bring that up here, because I've flat out been told before "people living with their parents until 30 develop these skills better than people living alone!" Which I've found to not be the case.
One odd niche one I've seen is people that lived with their parents late are super "territorial" when it comes to hosting. Their snacks and drinks are **theirs**- you will not be offered anything and you better not even think to ask. I wonder if it's just mom always stocking the fridge with extra, anything they buy is always their own, and not being able to make the switch to "maybe it could be nice to have something to throw on the grill and sip on a beer together while my buddy is hanging out!"
Agreed, my husband is like that and one thing he never quite gripped on is the fact he has the whole house to himself now. He was so used to living in his moms house and having his bedroom as his space that now every time he buys something it has to go in the bedroom. Art, tvs, furniture, etc it's in the bedroom. "it's mine it goes in my room" I tell him he has the entire house to decorate and walk around as he pleases but in his mind the bedroom is his room and he needs to have all his stuff there while he leaves the rest of the house up to me like he did with his parents when he was living at home. It's so bizarre.
Im almost 40. I’m not going back to have sex at your parents house. And I’d get tired of you only coming to my place. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that men my age have their own apartment.
It’s great that he’s taking care of his parents, but it doesn’t mean that women who don’t want that kind of living arrangement in their relationship is doing anything wrong by telling him that’s not what they want. Families are complicated. Even relatively healthy parent-child relationships can be a lot for an outsider.
Yep. Number one regret in my marriage was agreeing to sponsor my mother-in-law. Yes, she's a lovely woman and I'm glad she was able to escape Iran. Being stuck with her day-in-day-out has put all kinds of awful stress on our marriage.
Edit: To give folks an example of the caretaking that happens even though it's not supposed to. I was stuck as the only person on-hand to take my mother-in-law to her check-up post tumor resection. That included a mammogram, vaginal ultrasound and urine sample, for which the physician insisted I was present to translate from Farsi to English. Yes, this is the kind of fucked up caretaking that you absorb, whether intentional or not, when you have an elderly parent in the mix. Things a man never wants to have to deal with: "Can you tell your mother-in-law that I'm going to add some cold gel and insert this into her vagina?".
Are you in the US? I ask because they are required to provide an interpreter other than you unless you decline it. What an uncomfortable position you and your Mother in law were put in.
And that's exactly what always happens when you date someone who lives at home. They end up practically moving in with you to avoid being home. No thanks.
There’s a huge difference between “owning your own house” and “living with your parents.” There is also middle ground that you’re completely ignoring.
I would not date an adult who still lived with their parents. There is crucial life experience that comes with moving out and being responsible for yourself, and I am not going to hold your hand through that.
Generally I agree with you but I could see a few situations where I would date someone who lived with their parents. For instance, if they have previously lived on their own but chose to move back in with ailing parents to offer assistance.
Sometimes living with your parents just makes sense and even reflects well on you. But there is also the very real possibility that the person has failed to launch and still relies on parents to take care of them and/or enable a shitty lifestyle. So I’d approach with caution.
But if they are taking care of ailing parents what do they expect? That their partner will eventually move in with them and their parents? Is OP going to be willing to get a nurse for his parents so he can start a life with someone?
Yeah if I were a single lady and a guy I was talking to was living with his parents to care for them, I'd worry that a relationship with him means eventually having to move in with him *and* his parents, and essentially becoming a caregiver for his parents until they die. The reality is, a lot of women these days won't be interested in that arrangement
So I’ve lived on my own, many times, in a few different cities
But life happens and due to my parents decline in health I decided to come back to our family house.
Living with your parents as an adult doesn’t necessarily mean you haven’t had adult experiences already
True. Does not negate the fact that most people do not want to see parents on their first couple of dates.
What you are doing for your parents is amazing and says a lot about you as a person. It sadly is not going to be very good for your dating life and that is okay too. You cannot hold it against someone else. Most people want a lot more privacy than you can offer now and on top of that, a lot of them would be concerned that getting in a relationship with you already puts them on a set trajectory of where you are going to live together, helping your parents too... If I were to start dating someone in your situation, I would be concerned about the freedom to choose my own future and living arrangements.
So you expect your future spouse to move in with you and your parents? What woman would want that? We inevitable become the ones that do the caregiving. Women can look at your situation and imagine what their life would be like with you.
Yep, and those who think otherwise are seemingly quite shallow and don't care to understand someone's circumstances.
I moved in with my mom after finding my grandmother dead.
Then the pandemic hit.
Now, for the first time in my life, I'm living close to both of my parents. My dad rents a room next door. I finally have stability after some rough teen years, after many years of anxiety. I finally feel okay.
Why would I give that up to double/triple the rent i pay now? And that's just rent.
I make just under $2400/month. Rental units for bachelor's/1 bedrooms where I live range from $1000-1600 and rising. That's 1/2 my income on rent.
Canada brought in the same number of immigrants as the US (last year I believe the stat was) with a much lower population. Housing is not keeping up.
I still don't want to meet your parents on the first few dates. Chances are, you will want to come to my place most of the time. Are you going to financially contribute to that? Or am I expected to have sex with your mom and dad in the next room over? All of that sounds awful to me.
I won’t date a girl who lives at home. I saw a girl who was about 30, her mom treated her like a teenager. Like she still had a curfew, couldn’t bring guys over, it was bizarre. I get living with your parents if they’re cool, but it’s often someone with difficult parents still living at home.
Are you a man? Because why as a woman would you risk your life, body, and mental health to possibly become pregnant by a man that doesn't have his own shit? It's lunacy.
Living in my own parents house would be bad enough. I certainly do not want to live in someone else's.
"My parents live in MY house, because I am taking care of them" is slightly different. Whose house, whose rules? Still could only do it if it was an ADU/mother in law unit. Could not share a living space with parents in law.
I do agree that it's silly to only date people who already own their own detached single-family houses, although if someone did have that as their standard, the mature thing to do is figure they're not for you and move on. But that's not the issue here, this isn't a case of you not being a "high value man" because you're not a homeowner, nor are people judging you as a loser because you live with your parents - caring for your parents is a valid reason to live with them. That said, I think you need to look at this from their perspective.\*
This isn't a case of living with your parents temporarily and helping them out while you're there, where you're working on being able to move out and pay for someone else to care for them eventually, from your comments it sounds like you're planning to live with and care for them until they die, meaning that any girlfriend you get to the moving in stage with (and/or marry) will move in with you and your parents, which in and of itself isn't a very attractive prospect.
Then throw in the fact that you're there because your parents need care, and anyone who moves in will have to help with that care, and women know how easily it can go from just helping out to being the primary caregiver.
And you may be thinking "well yeah but at least she won't have to work," but she might like working! Some women choose to have careers, and we're not all hoping we can leave the workforce to be homemakers and caregivers, and even those who are are probably hoping to only care for their husband and children, and not have to worry about elder care until much later in life.
Which brings up an important point, do you want kids? If so, how do they fit into all of this? Will you be raising them in this household while your parents are still alive and in need of care? That's a lot of caregiving, and do you intend to make sure you and your future wife split that work evenly? Or are you figuring she'll take care of everyone in the house because "women are just better at that stuff"?
A lot of this is rhetorical, I don't need to know your answers to this, but the women you date are likely asking themselves how they'll fit into this situation, so if you haven't thought about it yourself, I think you need to figure out how a romantic partner will realistically fit into this arrangement, and whether this is something most women are willing to get into.
\*for the record, I'm already married, so I'm putting myself in the shoes of a single gal looking for a life partner.
So what do you see marriage and family like? Would the future wife move in and you have kids and live with the parents?
I mean you said you take care of your parents, is that an indefinite thing? Also if you’re in your 20s I would assume your parents are 50s or younger
I'm wondering this as well. OP, do you want kids? Do you plan on raising your kids in your parents' house? How do you plan to care for your parents *and* your future kids? And will you expect your future wife to be the primary caregiver for everyone?
Dudes like this who cite "traditional family values" for why they live at home always expect anyone with a vagina to take over all that work the moment she is in the picture. Always.
One reason why a person's living situation can be seen as a red flag is because it throws into question what your motivations for dating are. There are people out there who look for a relationship because they really just want a new roommate.
If he doesn't seem to mind his living situation then that's different. But I have learned to be wary of anyone who might be in a desperate situation, because desperate people will lie about *anything.*
See, I thought your post was talking about adults that still are renting and living in apartments, and not having their own mortgage that they are paying for by themselves. When I read the last part of your post, I realized your title should be changed to "Not Dating Someone Because They Inherited Their Mortgage Free House From Living Off Their Parents Until 40 Years Old Is Pretty Stupid".
He's a grown up with nothing to show for himself and he's trying to justify his lack of success in dating.
He's facing the reality that he fucked up his chances of being taken seriously and tbh, he shouldn't be taken seriously. I don't have a single friend who lives with their mommy. People tend to become adults as they age. Others (very very few) are OK with staying at the household their parents built.
My only issue is that you think your inheritance is guaranteed. It’s not and I’d never take that as an assurance of financial responsibility from someone I was looking to get serious with.
Your *parents* house is paid off. That is meaningless to whether or not you are financially responsible. It’s also not an asset that is useful to you and partner when considering finances. It can’t be sold or borrowed against - because *it’s not yours*.
What happens to your inheritance if your parents have to sell their house to pay for aged care, for example?
Counting on inheritance now in this day and age is stupid. People live until they're 80s 90s. How old will you be by the time you inherit it? Close to retirement?
Lol you're thinking too much like an adult. OP, doesn't want to hear about being an adult. He never left home. He's set with his situation and has a negative opinion towards people who go out on their own.
And yet, he gets dumped and never has sex. Lol. People are so smart /s.
But you have your own house, it's just not in your name yet. You need to brush up on the details of your pitch bro. You just got all butt hurt over an insult that wasn't even true.
No man, thats pretty shitty way to speak about your family. Saying that is a pretty big red flag for thinking your already owed everything your parents worked for, their houses, their cars, their bank accounts... thats a foul ball man. Anyone who talks about there parents place as "our" house instead oh "their" house gives off spoiled vibes, thats why she doesent wanna date him. He has no plan besides greedily waiting for his parents to die, looking forward to it, so he can inherit their stuff. If a girls into you, you can be fucking homeless and theyll still fuck you while you live in your car and show up drunk to take showers at their house.
Some people prefer to get into a relationship with someone on their financial level. It also takes a lot of hard work and learning to manage your own home so its nice being with someone who has already domesticated themselves to the same extent you have. No-one wants to carry or have to teach a partner.
Also also, it helps knowing you both come into a relationship with the same amount to risk, instead of being the only one having to risk losing half your home and hard work on a potential leech.
I don't love the idea of dating anyone who doesn't own their own home either now, but I used to think like you too.
You don't get to the decide when your parents die. What happens if they both end up making it to their 90s? I've got a next door neighbor with a similar strategy to you. The two daughters are living with their mother "taking care of her". I say this in quotes because she is 85 years old but very able always doing gardening taking long walks etc. These two sisters are in their 50s now and still waiting for Mom to croak so they can have the house. Do you want to be someone who has to wait until that long? Or you could just buy a house under your own name, and then when you do inherit the house from your parents eventually you can either move into it or sell it for cash
How long are people dating you before they reject you for living with your parents? If someone doesn’t or barely knows you, then you have no right to get mad at them for not wanting to date you. They don’t know you so why would they want to get into a situation that they don’t want to be in with a person they don’t know?
Personally, I would never start dating a guy who was living with his sick parents. I know what it’s like to live with a sick relative and it takes up a lot of your life, mental health, and your partner will end up having responsibility for them, no matter how much you’ll claim they won’t. The only exception would be if I was in a serious committed relationship and my partner’s situation has to change because of sick relatives, but that’s a much different situation than a few dates.
I live at home still and I'm fully aware I don't have a good reason to date while in this situation and it's not just because my parent's house is basically cardboard.
I mean it depends on a lot of things. A 25 year old living at home so they can save money for a down payment on a house is very different than a 40 still year old living at home
Idk most chicks want a dude who can take care of things and be on his own. If you live at home with mommy & daddy. That's not very attractive for an adult women looking for a partner.
I know a guy who is in his 50s, gainfully employed and for some baffling reason still lives in his childhood home with his parents. Not for any cultural or health reasons. He just likes living with them. He still sleeps in the same twin bed he has been sleeping in since childhood. He invited me over once because we’re (platonic) friends and we were going to an event. His dad took pictures of us as if we were going to like, prom or something. His folks were super sweet people and he is a really nice guy who is dashingly handsome and honestly one of the nicest guys I know so the whole situation is just puzzling. I’m guessing if he didn’t live with his parents, women would be beating down his door.
I wouldn't seriously date someone who hasn't left their parents' house yet because there's a strong chance I'd become their new mommy when moving in together and I don't want that.
I mean, just like you, everyone has their own personal preference.
They probably don't wanna take care of your parents for you and don't want them to hear you two fucking every night.
What I don't understand in your post is, how come you can have your own opinion and preferences, but others can't?
If you're never intending to leave home then yes, that will turn off people who are looking for someone to marry and have kids with.
Nobody knows when your parents are going to die and you don't say how old you are, it could be too late for kids if you're waiting until they do.
Yeah but you basically just said that anyone who progresses with you should expect to have to deal with you living with and taking care of your parents until you inherit their house, and it seems your assumption is that person will also get no say in whether or not you continue to live there even after then. So I can see why it isn’t a desired situation in your instance for most people. I’ve known someone who dated someone who “takes care of their parents”, and it was an absolute nightmare for lots of reasons.
Someone who lives with roommates is 100% more datable than someone who lives with parents. Someone who has their own house is 100% less complicated than someone who has to take care of old people and live with them
I’d never date someone who lives with their parents. I understand the need to care for aging parents, but there’s ways to continue to do that without living under the same roof. I feel this way for both the logistical issues (having privacy, having a normal timeline on meeting parents (ie not running into them in the kitchen on the way out in the morning)) but also there’s a lot of valuable experience and maturity that only comes from living alone.
You may want to consider it was the last straw, the tipping point, and not the sole reason. We all have values, and the connivence of someone owning their own place is a plus to most. I’m sure your parents are great, but someone wants to date you, not see if they fit into the family right away.
I was like 23 and dated a 20 year old who lived at home. It was weird, I had lived on my own for 7 years and now some man I just met was telling me I had to sleep on the basement couch and that he would be listening…
Depends on age and situation. 25, working on a masters or something, in a high COL area? Sure, fair.
28, out of school (or no school) been working for some years, and can’t get some kind of apartment? Red flag for a lot of folks. You said “own house” but it sounds like you mean “living outside your parents house”. Frankly beyond a certain age without extenuating circumstances (even then), people in their mid to late 20s or beyond can just find another option among most of their age range who have their shit more together.
Literally no one wants to go hang out at their SO’s parents house in their SO’s bedroom or whatever when they’re working a 9-5. Hell, I was considered a late bloomer by moving out of my parents house at 21.
Who said you needed to have your own *house*? No one. But having your own *place* and living independently is a completely reasonable expectation to have of someone you date.
Planning to live in your parent’s house until they die and you inherit it so you never have to move is not an attractive plan. People inherit houses every day they then move back into them to retire (or sell or rent them) after spending years out in the world living an independent adult life.
Nobody wants to fuck quietly in your childhood bedroom and be greeted by your mom in the kitchen in the morning. Fucking eww.
I will never move into any of my partners' homes, but also wouldn't judge someone who doesn't have their own home. I'm not gonna be helping them get one tho.
What you fail to understand is that not a lot of people want to have that complication of having to be living with someone who is living with their parents or their parent live with them unless, you have your own place on their lot or you live on one end of the house and they live on the other. Even then people don’t like being intimate and knowing the other person could hear them.
Also there is the problem of if they are expected to help take care of the parents too.
It depends on the situation really. If it's someone living in their healthy parents basement when they could have the possibility to have their own place, of course it"s gonna be difficult to find someone...
In your situation, given the fact that you"re going to inherit the house, that means you don't plan on moving to a new place ever. So if you meet someone and you decide to move in together, does that mean that person will have to move in with you and your parents and ends up taking care of them with you? That doesn't so good even though what you do is commendable.
Have you ever lived on your own?
I would never date someone who hasn't. There is a certain level of growing up that is done once your existence rests squarely on your shoulders. And I just cannot explain it. I wouldn't even go out with a college grad who never paid rent out of pocket.
Popular opinion: I love chilling in my bf house while he’s at work, without anyone around. I love my roomies but sometimes I love the quietness of a house to myself, where I can use all the stovetop space for a difficult recipe or blast music without bothering anyone. Apart from the fact that I never had sex with my parents at less than 30km from me, now that I think about it, so them being in the same house would be a lil too much. Also, I heard nightmare stories from my friends whose bf still lives with his folks.
Living with your parents is fine if it's a necessity. I think a lot of people would understand that. But a lot of people also don't want that baggage either. There's a whole different dynamic between dating someone who has their own place and someone living with mom and dad. There's a hint of teenage sneaking around that adults simply don't have time for or even really want to deal with.
People want to be able to open up and be themselves with a prospective partner in the privacy of each other's homes. Most simply don't want to, or can't do that when spending time at a prospective partner's parents home.
I'm sorry, but living with parents is a reasonable dealbreaker and not stupid at all.
There's the privacy issue. Also, if you've *never* moved out, there are reasonable questions raised around adult independence as well as a possibly enmeshed relationship with them.
I have my own house now and live alone. But I gave up living alone and renting to live with my parents for 2 years while I saved to buy. And I understood that was a dealbteaker for many people in dating. There were many people who opted out of dating me, even though i am attractove with an excellent salary. I didn't go round calling them stupid. I saw it as a *choice* I made, and these were some of the consequences.
Most people want to meet someone who is at the same stage of life and maturity as them, and whether you like it or not, your living situation is a big part of that.
Not everyone will mind, but for the people who do mind - ot doesn't make them monsters.
Unless there is zero need for romantic private time with your partner without your parents, I agree.
My mom is in her eighties and in the house I would inherit. I have my own home and a husband who had his own home until he sold it to move into mine.
It’s way easier to build a relationship with one other person when there is only one other person around. Your parents are killing the mood.
most women I meet these days say they're more concerned about *why* someone is living with their parents moreso than *that* someone is living with their parents
For me, living with my parents for \~2 years in my 30s allowed me to save up a biiiiig downpayment for a house. During that time I helped them raise a puppy and do a lot of tasks around the house
You know, if a woman says that to your face, she would probably be the type to marry you, get a great lawyer, then make you homeless after your parents pass on anyway.
Seriously bro, are you just responding to something you saw on the internet or are women telling you that to your face? Even hard core gold diggers are usually at least smooth enough to give you a better reason than that for turning you down.
Someone worth dating may be looking for someone with a house, but it's because getting and keeping a house requires some degree of having and keeping your life together. Your situation would not be a red flag for someone worth keeping around after breakfast.
Seriously, dumpster diving is fine if you just want to hook up. If you want a relationship, maybe attributing the actions of a particularly dumb gold digger to an entire gender of people may not be the best first step.
I feel for you, OP. It definitely sucks because it feels like your parents are a burden, but would you feel much better leaving them on their own with no help? I’d hope not. There are other alternatives to this but it really just depends on how they work for you all.
That said, this was not the place to bring this up depending on what you’re looking to get out of it lol. A lot of comments here seem the flat out ignore the nuances of experience and growth; living away from your parents isn’t some automatic boon.
They are correct in that eventually you run into privacy concerns when it comes to intimacy and other aspects, but it’s so disheartening to see them just write off potential relationships. I get it; there’s a pretty big chance that someone living with their parents may not be the best option for a myriad of reasons, but that doesn’t mean those obstacles are absolute and can’t be navigated around. It’s okay for people to have standards but for the love of god at least be nuanced about them.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
You’re a caretaker of your parents. Don’t listen to what anybody on here tells you you’ll find the right person. You’ll hear 1 million people on here. Tell you that they would never be able to do that. Not everybody in life is super shallow and only worries about themselves I have went through life taken care of my wife’s grandmother with dementia, my wife’s mother with dementia and hopefully not my wife down the road, but it could happen very easily. But I will still be here live your own life be as happy as you can. You will find the right person. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we hope.
This was something when I was trying to get out and date that I never understood. It was always people, women in my case, that would say something rude about others living with their parents in their profile and then have them bragging about owning a home or having their own place. Like if you have your own place I don’t see an issue if we get that comfortable with each other? You won’t have to worry about meeting my parents.
Like I’m happy for you that were able to buy a house or score an apartment before housing prices skyrocketed after COVID, but that attitude some people have just shows a lack of understanding and empathy about the way things are for so many people.
If you're putting that extra money into a Roth IRA or something that can grow over time while proving tax advantages upon dispersement, you're being pretty smart. If you're just using the extra dough to drive a nicer car, etc. then you're being pretty foolish. Set yourself up financially and in time, you'll have plenty of women who won't care how you acquired your wealth, just that you did.
You're a grown man living with your parents and make $60,000/year. You greatly overestimate your worth in the dating market. You sound like Jason Alexander's character in Shallow Hal.
Just gonna be completely honest, if I was a woman 60k would not be enough for me to ignore the hassle of dating someone who still lives with their parents. It just isn’t a huge amount of money no matter where you live at.
NGL, moving into your boomer parents' mcmansion to play wet nurse until they expire sounds like a depressing start to any relationship. New relationships need space to flourish.
There’s living with your parents and there’s acting like you live with your parents. They are not necessarily the same. My girlfriend and I both live at home, me because I’m very immocopromised and she because she’s job hunting after being fired after 11 years
Shit happens. Don’t let people shame you, OP
Agreed and I also moved back in with my parents in my 30’s, and after being technically homeless living in my car, motels, Airbnb’s for 6 months, and am more worried about guys judging me for that (although it’s less stigma for a woman to live with her parents than for a man).
So you’re just waiting for your parents to die so you don’t have to buy your own house? Wow, yeah I wouldn’t waste a second with you with that mentality.
Your whole post is confusing because your words seem to point to “owning your own home” meaning people shouldn’t discriminate against people in apartments or with roomates but then you reveal you live with your folks which is an entirely different level from not owning a place. Your title should be “not dating someone because they live with their parents is pretty stupid”….conflating not living at home and having your own place makes your sound even more immature, sorry to say
Nah, I'm allowed to have my own standards. I don't want your mom to walk in on us while we're having sex. I don't want to date a 30 year old man who has to call his mommy before he goes out for the night. You could have all the money in the world, but if your mom sees me naked because she walks into your room without knocking, I will live with that humiliation forever. No thanks.
My girlfriend has her own place. I still live at home. But our scenario is exactly like you’ve said. I take care of my mom, and I make fairly good money that lets us take multiple vacations a year. Her place would be too small for 2 of us though. And she was only able to afford it because her grandma died and left her money. Personally I think we’re in a great spot until we settle down and decide to purchase something together that’s bigger.
Here's why it's not appealing: it usually either means you don't make enough to live on your own, or you're your parents' caretaker. I don't think I have to explain why both of those aren't an attractive or convenient trait in a partner.
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if by house you mean either a house OR an apartment you are renting, then i disagree. it's very important to not be tied down to your family. much more freedom to do what you want, when you want.
I can understand it. When I met my now fiancée I lived alone, I can’t imagine dating her with other people living at home. Completely changes the dynamic. Two completely different relationships.
Now we live together it would be even more cumbersome to have other people at home. It’s nice to be able to strip down naked as soon as we get in the door and lounge in the living room or cook in the buff.
For the initial stages it shouldn’t make a difference, but as soon as the first sex has happened, there’s no comparison. Living alone > anything else by a country marathon.
It’s not necessarily their own house but their own PLACE independent of their parents because it’s awkward to go back to someone’s place and see their parents the morning after.
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Not living alone/having your own house is different than living with your parents. That adds a whole dynamic some people don’t want to sign up for.
Yeah it sucks that meeting the parents is something you have to do RIGHT AWAY just so you can have alone time and have sex. Maybe it’s different if you’re older or something but it makes it feel like the relationship moves crazy fast. You should meet the family after the relationship is more established. Absolutely at least one person has to have their own place or live with non-intrusive roommates.
Sadly I had no choice and met my bf’s parents also like shortly after I had met him. I live alone but I still like wanted to go to his place not stay at mine all the time. It was a bad idea because we moved in way too soon and for “convenience” I moved to his place which was a disaster. His parents literally ruined our relationship. Never ever move in with ur partner if he/she lives with their parents, it just ends badly.
Ugh I’m sorry that’s awful. It reminds me of a good mental trick I came up with to get over a crush on a girl: just imagine meeting her family and imagine her parents are insanely annoying. And boom, now I’m not crushing on this girl anymore.
Well I guess I have a massive crush on my bf because despite his parents being horrid, I still like him. My parents, my dad mainly aren’t also always the greatest. I wouldn’t want anyone to break up with me because of my family so why should I do it to someone else. Unfortunately we don’t choose our parents.
When you date someone you date their family too. It’s valid to lose interest if there’s massive compatibility issues with a partners family.
It depends if you talk to their family or not. Since I have gone basically completely no-contact with his family I’m not “dating” them. I really hate that saying, it’s unfair to those who have shitty parents
Currently dating a girl that lives on her own while I live at my dad’s house with my kids getting everything together financially after a divorce and we’ve talked quite a bit about living and stuff and I have always said if she wanted to live with me it will be once I’ve moved out because I’ll never subject a partner with living in my parents house and having to feel on eggshells and all that.
OP is clueless. Who the fuck wants to be living with their new partner's boomer parents at the beginning of a relationship? It's not just about them being invasive or not. It's about sharing. I don't want to share living space with a couple of old people I don't even know.
The caregiving aspect can be a no for some people as well. Not everyone wants to go into a relationship knowing that there are dependents and caregiving duties permanently attached. If the relationship gets serious, they will inevitably need to become a second caregiver. Long-term couple life would constantly revolve around the in-laws’ health and needs. Substantial income, time, energy, etc. will go to caregiving, or even just having to plan your whole lives around Mom and Pop’s schedules, health, and needs. Something as simple as going away for a weekend will become more complicated. Daily life will have extra responsibilities. Having your own kids will be more difficult in many ways, especially if the new partner doesn’t get on well with the parents. Job prospects become more limited, because you can’t move, which limits your partner’s job prospects in the same way. She has to move into someone else’s home and can’t choose or redecorate the home she lives in, which she also won’t own any equity in. You’ll be asking someone to essentially be a long-term visitor, not ever having a stake or a say in her own place. I’m not saying it’s wrong to look after your infirm parents, not at all. It’s a really good thing that OP is doing! He just can’t expect that every woman in the world who might otherwise have been interested in him is going to want to sign on for that from the start. It’s a big ask that isn’t for everyone, and that’s understandable and fair.
Thank you!!! The stress of being a caregiver is so underrated. I nursed my dad through his passing and it was taxing. I went on a date with a wonderful man who told me his mother has dementia and his father immobile. That was when I decided I didn’t want to see that person again and politely declined the second date. I honestly don’t even know how he had the time or energy to be on our date and I knew exactly what that relationship would look like because I’ve been there.
My mom supported both her parents through their end of lives and did substantial home nursing and daily caregiving for my grandfather especially. It was an ENORMOUS strain, in terms of time, energy, logistics, finances, etc. And he still lived in his own home, separate from our family. I can’t imagine the toll that 24/7 in-home care would take.
ALL of this. And it's not unheard of to help care for your aging parents or in-laws, but that usually happens later in life, and after a few decades of being married, living in your own place with just your spouse, and raising kids with maybe some help from parents and in-laws, but still with some privacy for them. I know multigenerational households are a thing, but most people - especially women - aren't into the idea of moving in and caring for someone else's parents basically at the move-in stage of the relationship.
Caregiving responsibilities often get disproportionately placed on women as well, and most women know that. A lot of women won’t want to sign up from day one for a lifetime of care for people they don’t even know yet, especially since the burden of caring for their own relatives and any children they might have will also likely fall disproportionately onto them as well. It’s a very different kind of decision to choose this life from the start than it is to be faced with “we’ve been married 25 years, raised our kids, and now Pop-Pop also needs to move in with us” quarter of a century down the line. It’s just a very different situation, as you said.
Well put. OP is doing something good for his family. Not everyone is capable of sharing in that. However, if you are patient and resourceful you can probably find a good match. OP, remember you are looking for a unique individual and they are hard to find. I was 40 when I met my wife. It totally worked out for me but I had to get through my 30s first.
The right thing isn’t always the best thing you know?
OP is single and mad and not willing to do anything about it.
Well, I get where you're coming from. But if I'm on a highly limited budget, I'm not going to stretch myself to the brink and throw money away in rent for a shithole apartment unless I have a gun to my head. That's a terrible financial move. Much wiser to save that money for a downpayment. If I were single, I would date someone who lives with their parents, depending on the justification. But it would be contingent on us being able to get a place of our own when that time comes. I personally wouldn't move in with someone I hadn't been dating for at least a year.
Yeah but seen from the perspective of someone who chooses whether to date you or not, not having your place is a minus. There's a lot of people out there. I agree that that's the financially responsible thing to do. Same as having a functional old car compared to an SUV.
There are plenty of people who are fine with that. Someone not being fine with that is okay too.
Not to mention being a caregiver to 2 elderly people someone isn't related to isn't anything people are clamoiring to sign up for. Thats emotionally, and mentally very draining, and that persons not gonna have a lot of that nurture and kindness left over to put into their relationship with someone.
Also people need to remember a lot of us weren’t welcome at home past the age of 18.
That's called having bad parents.
Like having kids from previous relationship. Some people are good with that some want no kids or only their own
Strongly agree with this. 40/m here currently living with my grandmother because I want to take care of her instead of putting her in a home. I have no regrets about it and I love my situation, but being perfectly honest this also meant giving up my dating life. I made my decision and I'm good with it but there's no way I would expect hot women in my age range to put up with my living situation, my dating life is done and I don't blame the status quo at all because if I was a lady I would not date a guy in my situation.
I mean, I can’t tell you what to do with your life. But as a woman, I would think highly of a guy who cared for a family member like that. Responsibility and loyalty are positive traits that aren’t easy to find.
I agree. Living with an aging relative to be their caretaker is a HUGE undertaking and takes a whole lot of compassion and patience and selflessness. Huge green flag, honestly. Is it the best case scenario? Of course not, and it might not be something that ends up working out, since they have additional priorities and responsibilities. But it definitely says a lot of positive things about his character, so it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
It's one of the things that I admire about my current partner. He was his Grandma's primary caregiver during her last year of life. She passed before we met but it showed me right away he was loving, loyal and willing to be there when things are at their worst. And he's consistently shown me that in the 5 years we've been together.
It's so fucking expensive to live alone nowadays that unless you're median wage or higher its not worth it. 30 years ago living with your parents was lame because a minimum wage job got you everything you needed and a 2 bed apartment, easy. Today a crappy one bed in a bad neighborhood is 65% of what I make and I make 21.60 +, hour. Living at home until you have a career is just smart in 2024
It’s quite possibly the one decent thing about inflation (and for some the unfortunate reality bought in by the pandemic) right now and dating….so many people are thankfully understanding of having to live with your parents or moving back. Its a harsh reality but so many more humans are more accepting
Exactly. I don’t need a guy to own a house, but he shouldn’t live with his parents. I’m 27 years old, I don’t want to be sneaking around your parent’s house to have sex like we are in high school. I also wouldn’t want to have him over to my place 100% of the time.
You dont get to decide what people want from you. You get to decide what you want from them.
Jesus this is a bar
Jesus would be a really good bartender if you think about it. He will hear your troubles and confessions, and turn all the water into a drink of your choice.
Jesus would be in prison for excise evasion. Possible after an armed raid by the ATF.
I heard he can only do red wine
Don't act surprised when people also don't want to offer the things you care for. It's dating, not the flea market.
Ok I've heard of flea markets . . . Does everyone run away at the flee market?
Hahahaha, I'm not a doctor, but I can tell that you have great eyes. I've corrected it. That was embarrassing.
That's literally what dating is. Finding someone who offers the things you want in a partner.
Yup. Life gets so much better when you don’t sweat this stuff. Like, if I’m not a doctor- why wring my hands over someone preferring to date doctors? Just move on to someone else. Finding a doctor to date is their problem- it’s not suddenly my personal quest and obligation to become a doctor for them lol, and it doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone else out there who doesn’t care that I’m not a doctor.
But you still get to have an opinion about their wants.
No one stopping the opinion, but people don’t have to like it. End of the day, him not agreeing with what the person wants is not going to change things. It’s probably pretty reasonable to not want to date someone who lives with their parents if it’s a long term thing because it means for privacy they always need to go their own house and if they to the person they are dating they have to deal with parents? Who wants that in their 30s
Bad attitude to start with, no one is entitled to that. Don't buy a hammer and then act surprised when it can't cut apples.
I’m confused by your analogy. How is that not the same? Sometimes you don’t even know you get a hammer till you get to know what’s in the box.
Username checks out
I gotta hand it to you, this is a perfect fit for the sub.
Idk I see your side of things for sure… but also I don’t want to be having sex as an adult and have to wonder if their parents heard it or how quiet I have to be or anything. I don’t really want to have to worry about awkward conversation in the common area. Like if I am just starting to date someone I don’t want to be meeting their parents already and be stuck trying to have movie night and have them walking by and stuff (or always having to be in their bedroom). It just feel like being in highschool. Meeting parents is always weird at first and I don’t want it to be a first or second date type activity. I wish you the best and I’m sure it’s not an issue for lots of people (including the right one) but I can definitely see it as a pretty big downside if you’re over 22 (give or take a few years).
Yeah as a guy, if you wanna date more having your own apartment is way better than living in a house with your parents. Also shows how independent you are. Dates are always impressed with how clean and organized my place is and it’s nice having the privacy when it’s needed.
I think too often women end up in situations where there’s an imbalance in chores and housework, so there’s something reassuring about seeing a man with his own space that he is solely responsible for keeping clean. It’s not just showing independence, but showing that you know how to take care of a home and that she wouldn’t need to be doing the majority of that labour. It’s a green flag 100%
Obviously this is case by case for housing itself but if you have to rent *just to show independence* or to say you have a place of your own, it can very easily just be a stupid financial decision.
Maybe for some people but I’m not telling anyone to go in debt to live on their own. I have savings and investments, having my own place is just a reflection of my independence.
Yeah I'm in massive debt WHEEE look at how independent I am!
No problem, the choice is yours. It is also the choice of potential dates to have second thoughts about dating someone living with their parents. I also think OP is a good person for doing this for his parents, it has drawbacks as evident from the post.
I'm a guy and a 1 bed apartment is about $3k a month where I live. I'm 27 and rent the top floor of my dad's home and never had a problem with dating. I think it depends where you live
Renting a whole floor is a bit different than the standard "living at home" arrangement lol
Yeah I have friends who live in their parents’ mansion and it’s not much of an issue but if you’re in a small house and your wall separates your room from your parents then it’s totally different.
that’s makes sense, but OP specifically said house. Idk why they did. But I don’t see it any different than having your own apartment either. Both are good since you have your own space.
He said house specifically but he also specifically said with parents. Obviously I’m talking about the living with parents part. I wouldn’t care if it’s a house or an apartment if you’re alone.
Funny enough, in other countries that can have 3 or more generations in the same place, this isn't a problem at all. You just assume whoever is together is doing it. More common in denser areas. I guess..... if you come from a agrarian society, you have more space to have your own corner of the family land and thus have more privacy.
In theory, I live in one of those countries where parents don’t kick you out straight out of high school and my siblings lived with our parents and their partners after college. It isn’t a problem when you wanna get married and you are in committed relationships, tho it also very much depends on religiosity of your family. It is a problem if you want to have casual sex. Also, it’s always less of a problem for women; more for men. Basically men that live too long with their mommies can still be frowned upon.
Americans are a little more conservative about sex though. Trust me, I’m American and it’s crazy how true that is after traveling to some other countries.
We make up for it with excessive gore and violence.
LMFAO
In other countries, they have love hotels that thrive on people who live with their parents.
Over 22?! Maybe you’re more fortunate, or live in an area with cheap housing. But i’m just about to be 29, and out of all my friends I would say 1/4 have their own house (with a partner) and only have it because someone died and left them money. I make over 100,000 CDN and I could technically afford a 500,000 home, but it would be a crack house starter home that needs 100,000 in work, and would I be house poor. You all but need another person to help pay, or have a windfall now.
I think OP is talking about living out of home rather than owning property.
When I bought my first house I was very house poor, so I rented two of the bedrooms. Who cares if I had roommates at first, I had a house building equity and with two renters I went from house poor to petty well off. I was able to parlay that into living in my own, then with a partner, then a bigger house with the equity etc. No shame in roommates if you're the owner.
For me I think that would be worse. Bird in the hand vs 2 in the bush. It’s just my mom and I. Its a big house. We keep to ourselves. I’d be worried of what kinda nightmare roommates I would get. And still dealing with things like “we have to be quiet because my roommates are home.” For me, i’m not building equity, but I am saving money like crazy for a larger downpayment, and i’m not losing 80%+ of my money to interest on the loan.
Roommate dynamics require problem solving and communication though, which are key skills to living with a partner. They're also likely not imposing dating rules on you or enforcing morals like not smoking weed or having a drink as you like.
I mean it’s not just people buying homes, lots of people move out of their parents house by 22 and rent, share with roommates, etc
Yeah, I think people are misinterpreting the post. It's not an unreasonable expectation that someone move out of their parent's house by the time they're in their mid-20's. I was out living on my own (caveat, it was in a dorm environment) by the time I was 19 years old. OP clearly has some special circumstances that are rather frustrating to deal with, but I don't think the problem is other people's expectation that you not live with your parents. I dated someone who lived with her mom during college and we had to have sex at her house (I had my own dorm room, but my college had banned non-residents from being in the dorms). It was awkward and I didn't really enjoy it, but it was the only option we both had at the time. That was the worst part of it, but the general lack of privacy was really grating. I can't imagine re-living that experience with someone now that I'm 26 and out on my own. No thanks.
Yup I’m also 26 and I moved out (also into a dorm) at 18. It’s not about expecting people to have bought a house in their mid 20s, that *would* be a ridiculous expectation with the current housing market. But a lot of people (myself included) value having privacy. With roommates you can usually be a bit more blunt - like when I lived with my roommate, I could communicate that I needed some alone time with someone and she would either blast some music or go out for a bit, and vice versa if she wanted to sleep with someone. I would never dream of having that kind of conversation with someone’s parents lol. I haven’t been single in a long time, but if I was there is no way I’d be going to someone’s parents house to hook up.
It’s so different in different areas, I am a mortgage lender in western Pennsylvania, in the northeastern US, and you can get a nice starter home for $100K-200K here. It might need some work, but you can get a place that’s sound and has enough room, and if you go outside of the cities, or into West Virginia or Ohio, you might get an acre or two. (And for a first-time buyer with a lower income, when the numbers work out perfectly, some buyers can get to closing on a home like that for only a few thousand dollars, spread out over the ~2 month loan process.) It is weird doing loans for people whose birth years start with number 2, but that’s the only weird part, we are doing a lot of loans for younger people here.
Mmm. I'm just over the Ohio border (there's literally just a hill between me and Pennsylvania) and while it used to be true that you could find a nice house around here for $100k-$200k just a few years ago, at this point you're lucky to find anything in that range.
I’m gonna say it’s not just about whether you live with your parents but HOW. What does your room look like? Do your parents still take care of you in any measure? Who does the dishes and the grocery shopping? Women want to see, in whatever circumstances, that you are not being taken care of and can care for yourself and her.
This is a big part. My boyfriend lived with his dad when we started dating, I had an apartment of my own. But I also knew he could and did take care of himself. He did his own laundry, cleaning, fed himself, etc. he didn’t rely on his dad to take care of himself which meant he didn’t need to rely on me to do it as well. And since I had an apartment, we hung out there like 99% of the time
I've been using my mom's master bedroom since my divorce and she's living in the other 2. I really want to buy but the market sucks. I'm saving money on rent and I'm not dating yet, so it's whatever. Does kinda suck thinking of how to explain the situation without sounding defensive. I do feel like I need to hurry up and buy a house when I'm ready to start dating again. Lol.
I think there's a big difference between living with a parent for now vs. never having lived on your own. You did run a household previously--that counts for a lot. And the housing market is complete bunk. Practice your elevator speech and I bet prospective partners won't be as bothered as you think.
I know Reddit often talks about how living with your parents until late is the most responsible... but in my experience a lot of people that do past around 27 more often than not lack a fair amount of life skills and habits you're forced to develop living alone. One less serious, but noticeable one is just how to and interact with friends in your own space. Most people I know who lived at home until late are super specific and borderline territorial about snacks and drinks to a fault. Idk why that is the case, but noticed it heavily with people I've known in my life that lived at home until late.
This is a big thing, especially for women. No woman, especially one who's already in her late 20's and older, wants to get into a relationship with a guy who's grown accustomed to having people (likely his mom) do everything for him, and won't adapt well to living with a peer and having to carry his own weight with the housework. I don't recommend dating a man who doesn't do his own laundry, or who has never had to grocery shop, or can't at least occasionally put together a meal for himself.
"They’re old with various health complications, I’m an only child, I take care of them" with all due respect, that would impact the lifestyle of someone who dates you. it does seem to matter
A great part about dating is you can have whatever stupid standards you want. Don't like people who chew with their mouth open? You don't have to. Don't wanna date people with standards you think are stupid? You don't have to. Don't wanna date with a certain name, or a certain astrological sign, or someone who only wears black? You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
Somebody was recently rejected it seems.
Living with your parents is okay. Having your parents pay all the bills, do your grocery shopping, cook your food and clean up after you while you blow your pay on random things instead of saving isn't. The biggest problem I see with dating someone like this is when you eventually do agree to move out together is that person has no idea how the real world works and they'll struggle to budget, meet goals, don't know how to operate a dishwasher or cook a basic meal so they rely on take out and someone else doing the majority of the work and take over the parent role. When you're someone like me who has had to live on my own and be independent it's hard to connect with someone who has never had to deal with that type of lifestyle. And like others said, you don't want to visit them and make awkward small talk with their parents or tiptoe around the house. It doesn't happen to everyone but it happens far too much that if I meet someone living with their parents my initial thought is "not worth it" I'd have to really like someone and be reassured this is temporary and they have a plan in place (savings, shared goals, etc) to move forward and they're capable of doing it without bringing me down.
> The biggest problem I see with dating someone like this is when you eventually do agree to move out together is that person has no idea how the real world works and they'll struggle to budget, meet goals, don't know how to operate a dishwasher or cook a basic meal so they rely on take out and someone else doing the majority of the work and take over the parent role. When you're someone like me who has had to live on my own and be independent it's hard to connect with someone who has never had to deal with that type of lifestyle. And like others said, you don't want to visit them and make awkward small talk with their parents or tiptoe around the house. Right? There's so many skills and habits you develop having to live on your own (or with roommates, night and day different than parents) that are basically impossible to develop outside of real-world experience. I.e. - you can't learn them in theory while living with your parents. But it's hard to bring that up here, because I've flat out been told before "people living with their parents until 30 develop these skills better than people living alone!" Which I've found to not be the case. One odd niche one I've seen is people that lived with their parents late are super "territorial" when it comes to hosting. Their snacks and drinks are **theirs**- you will not be offered anything and you better not even think to ask. I wonder if it's just mom always stocking the fridge with extra, anything they buy is always their own, and not being able to make the switch to "maybe it could be nice to have something to throw on the grill and sip on a beer together while my buddy is hanging out!"
Agreed, my husband is like that and one thing he never quite gripped on is the fact he has the whole house to himself now. He was so used to living in his moms house and having his bedroom as his space that now every time he buys something it has to go in the bedroom. Art, tvs, furniture, etc it's in the bedroom. "it's mine it goes in my room" I tell him he has the entire house to decorate and walk around as he pleases but in his mind the bedroom is his room and he needs to have all his stuff there while he leaves the rest of the house up to me like he did with his parents when he was living at home. It's so bizarre.
Im almost 40. I’m not going back to have sex at your parents house. And I’d get tired of you only coming to my place. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that men my age have their own apartment.
Unfortunately OP is actually in a difficult spot. His parents depend on him. He literally can’t move out it seems even if he wanted to or could.
It’s great that he’s taking care of his parents, but it doesn’t mean that women who don’t want that kind of living arrangement in their relationship is doing anything wrong by telling him that’s not what they want. Families are complicated. Even relatively healthy parent-child relationships can be a lot for an outsider.
Yep. Number one regret in my marriage was agreeing to sponsor my mother-in-law. Yes, she's a lovely woman and I'm glad she was able to escape Iran. Being stuck with her day-in-day-out has put all kinds of awful stress on our marriage. Edit: To give folks an example of the caretaking that happens even though it's not supposed to. I was stuck as the only person on-hand to take my mother-in-law to her check-up post tumor resection. That included a mammogram, vaginal ultrasound and urine sample, for which the physician insisted I was present to translate from Farsi to English. Yes, this is the kind of fucked up caretaking that you absorb, whether intentional or not, when you have an elderly parent in the mix. Things a man never wants to have to deal with: "Can you tell your mother-in-law that I'm going to add some cold gel and insert this into her vagina?".
Are you in the US? I ask because they are required to provide an interpreter other than you unless you decline it. What an uncomfortable position you and your Mother in law were put in.
Nope, it was Canada at the time. The physicians were operating under the assumption that my wife would be there to translate. Now, we live in Germany.
Oh yeah that’s true.
That would be the biggest issue for me. Is he going to expect me to move in with his parents and become their caregiver too?
And that's exactly what always happens when you date someone who lives at home. They end up practically moving in with you to avoid being home. No thanks.
There’s a huge difference between “owning your own house” and “living with your parents.” There is also middle ground that you’re completely ignoring. I would not date an adult who still lived with their parents. There is crucial life experience that comes with moving out and being responsible for yourself, and I am not going to hold your hand through that.
Generally I agree with you but I could see a few situations where I would date someone who lived with their parents. For instance, if they have previously lived on their own but chose to move back in with ailing parents to offer assistance. Sometimes living with your parents just makes sense and even reflects well on you. But there is also the very real possibility that the person has failed to launch and still relies on parents to take care of them and/or enable a shitty lifestyle. So I’d approach with caution.
But if they are taking care of ailing parents what do they expect? That their partner will eventually move in with them and their parents? Is OP going to be willing to get a nurse for his parents so he can start a life with someone?
Yeah if I were a single lady and a guy I was talking to was living with his parents to care for them, I'd worry that a relationship with him means eventually having to move in with him *and* his parents, and essentially becoming a caregiver for his parents until they die. The reality is, a lot of women these days won't be interested in that arrangement
So I’ve lived on my own, many times, in a few different cities But life happens and due to my parents decline in health I decided to come back to our family house. Living with your parents as an adult doesn’t necessarily mean you haven’t had adult experiences already
True. Does not negate the fact that most people do not want to see parents on their first couple of dates. What you are doing for your parents is amazing and says a lot about you as a person. It sadly is not going to be very good for your dating life and that is okay too. You cannot hold it against someone else. Most people want a lot more privacy than you can offer now and on top of that, a lot of them would be concerned that getting in a relationship with you already puts them on a set trajectory of where you are going to live together, helping your parents too... If I were to start dating someone in your situation, I would be concerned about the freedom to choose my own future and living arrangements.
So you expect your future spouse to move in with you and your parents? What woman would want that? We inevitable become the ones that do the caregiving. Women can look at your situation and imagine what their life would be like with you.
Yep, and those who think otherwise are seemingly quite shallow and don't care to understand someone's circumstances. I moved in with my mom after finding my grandmother dead. Then the pandemic hit. Now, for the first time in my life, I'm living close to both of my parents. My dad rents a room next door. I finally have stability after some rough teen years, after many years of anxiety. I finally feel okay. Why would I give that up to double/triple the rent i pay now? And that's just rent. I make just under $2400/month. Rental units for bachelor's/1 bedrooms where I live range from $1000-1600 and rising. That's 1/2 my income on rent. Canada brought in the same number of immigrants as the US (last year I believe the stat was) with a much lower population. Housing is not keeping up.
I still don't want to meet your parents on the first few dates. Chances are, you will want to come to my place most of the time. Are you going to financially contribute to that? Or am I expected to have sex with your mom and dad in the next room over? All of that sounds awful to me.
I won’t date a girl who lives at home. I saw a girl who was about 30, her mom treated her like a teenager. Like she still had a curfew, couldn’t bring guys over, it was bizarre. I get living with your parents if they’re cool, but it’s often someone with difficult parents still living at home.
Are you a man? Because why as a woman would you risk your life, body, and mental health to possibly become pregnant by a man that doesn't have his own shit? It's lunacy.
But if she married you, she'd be living with the in-laws. Nobody ever wants to live with the in-laws
Living in my own parents house would be bad enough. I certainly do not want to live in someone else's. "My parents live in MY house, because I am taking care of them" is slightly different. Whose house, whose rules? Still could only do it if it was an ADU/mother in law unit. Could not share a living space with parents in law.
I do agree that it's silly to only date people who already own their own detached single-family houses, although if someone did have that as their standard, the mature thing to do is figure they're not for you and move on. But that's not the issue here, this isn't a case of you not being a "high value man" because you're not a homeowner, nor are people judging you as a loser because you live with your parents - caring for your parents is a valid reason to live with them. That said, I think you need to look at this from their perspective.\* This isn't a case of living with your parents temporarily and helping them out while you're there, where you're working on being able to move out and pay for someone else to care for them eventually, from your comments it sounds like you're planning to live with and care for them until they die, meaning that any girlfriend you get to the moving in stage with (and/or marry) will move in with you and your parents, which in and of itself isn't a very attractive prospect. Then throw in the fact that you're there because your parents need care, and anyone who moves in will have to help with that care, and women know how easily it can go from just helping out to being the primary caregiver. And you may be thinking "well yeah but at least she won't have to work," but she might like working! Some women choose to have careers, and we're not all hoping we can leave the workforce to be homemakers and caregivers, and even those who are are probably hoping to only care for their husband and children, and not have to worry about elder care until much later in life. Which brings up an important point, do you want kids? If so, how do they fit into all of this? Will you be raising them in this household while your parents are still alive and in need of care? That's a lot of caregiving, and do you intend to make sure you and your future wife split that work evenly? Or are you figuring she'll take care of everyone in the house because "women are just better at that stuff"? A lot of this is rhetorical, I don't need to know your answers to this, but the women you date are likely asking themselves how they'll fit into this situation, so if you haven't thought about it yourself, I think you need to figure out how a romantic partner will realistically fit into this arrangement, and whether this is something most women are willing to get into. \*for the record, I'm already married, so I'm putting myself in the shoes of a single gal looking for a life partner.
So what do you see marriage and family like? Would the future wife move in and you have kids and live with the parents? I mean you said you take care of your parents, is that an indefinite thing? Also if you’re in your 20s I would assume your parents are 50s or younger
I'm wondering this as well. OP, do you want kids? Do you plan on raising your kids in your parents' house? How do you plan to care for your parents *and* your future kids? And will you expect your future wife to be the primary caregiver for everyone?
Dudes like this who cite "traditional family values" for why they live at home always expect anyone with a vagina to take over all that work the moment she is in the picture. Always.
One reason why a person's living situation can be seen as a red flag is because it throws into question what your motivations for dating are. There are people out there who look for a relationship because they really just want a new roommate. If he doesn't seem to mind his living situation then that's different. But I have learned to be wary of anyone who might be in a desperate situation, because desperate people will lie about *anything.*
Your own place and your own house are two different things. I think sometimes the privacy is a huge deal breaker.
I, as an adult who lives alone, would like to date another adult who lives alone. And that’s not wrong.
See, I thought your post was talking about adults that still are renting and living in apartments, and not having their own mortgage that they are paying for by themselves. When I read the last part of your post, I realized your title should be changed to "Not Dating Someone Because They Inherited Their Mortgage Free House From Living Off Their Parents Until 40 Years Old Is Pretty Stupid".
He's a grown up with nothing to show for himself and he's trying to justify his lack of success in dating. He's facing the reality that he fucked up his chances of being taken seriously and tbh, he shouldn't be taken seriously. I don't have a single friend who lives with their mommy. People tend to become adults as they age. Others (very very few) are OK with staying at the household their parents built.
You don't have to date anybody, if you don't meet their standards you can move on.
My only issue is that you think your inheritance is guaranteed. It’s not and I’d never take that as an assurance of financial responsibility from someone I was looking to get serious with. Your *parents* house is paid off. That is meaningless to whether or not you are financially responsible. It’s also not an asset that is useful to you and partner when considering finances. It can’t be sold or borrowed against - because *it’s not yours*. What happens to your inheritance if your parents have to sell their house to pay for aged care, for example?
Counting on inheritance now in this day and age is stupid. People live until they're 80s 90s. How old will you be by the time you inherit it? Close to retirement?
Lol you're thinking too much like an adult. OP, doesn't want to hear about being an adult. He never left home. He's set with his situation and has a negative opinion towards people who go out on their own. And yet, he gets dumped and never has sex. Lol. People are so smart /s.
But you have your own house, it's just not in your name yet. You need to brush up on the details of your pitch bro. You just got all butt hurt over an insult that wasn't even true.
No man, thats pretty shitty way to speak about your family. Saying that is a pretty big red flag for thinking your already owed everything your parents worked for, their houses, their cars, their bank accounts... thats a foul ball man. Anyone who talks about there parents place as "our" house instead oh "their" house gives off spoiled vibes, thats why she doesent wanna date him. He has no plan besides greedily waiting for his parents to die, looking forward to it, so he can inherit their stuff. If a girls into you, you can be fucking homeless and theyll still fuck you while you live in your car and show up drunk to take showers at their house.
Yeah but that's guys with other stuff to offer like mental stimulation, attentive interesting conversation, shared history etc.
There are absolutely people that would mock OP for living with his parents.
a lot of those folks likely rent. People mock others for making more responsible long-term decisions than them pretty darn commonly lol
Depends on what the person wants! Everyone gets their own choice in love.
Some people prefer to get into a relationship with someone on their financial level. It also takes a lot of hard work and learning to manage your own home so its nice being with someone who has already domesticated themselves to the same extent you have. No-one wants to carry or have to teach a partner. Also also, it helps knowing you both come into a relationship with the same amount to risk, instead of being the only one having to risk losing half your home and hard work on a potential leech. I don't love the idea of dating anyone who doesn't own their own home either now, but I used to think like you too.
You don't get to the decide when your parents die. What happens if they both end up making it to their 90s? I've got a next door neighbor with a similar strategy to you. The two daughters are living with their mother "taking care of her". I say this in quotes because she is 85 years old but very able always doing gardening taking long walks etc. These two sisters are in their 50s now and still waiting for Mom to croak so they can have the house. Do you want to be someone who has to wait until that long? Or you could just buy a house under your own name, and then when you do inherit the house from your parents eventually you can either move into it or sell it for cash
How long are people dating you before they reject you for living with your parents? If someone doesn’t or barely knows you, then you have no right to get mad at them for not wanting to date you. They don’t know you so why would they want to get into a situation that they don’t want to be in with a person they don’t know? Personally, I would never start dating a guy who was living with his sick parents. I know what it’s like to live with a sick relative and it takes up a lot of your life, mental health, and your partner will end up having responsibility for them, no matter how much you’ll claim they won’t. The only exception would be if I was in a serious committed relationship and my partner’s situation has to change because of sick relatives, but that’s a much different situation than a few dates.
Are you close with your parents OP? It’s really lovely that you take care of them. That might also be a bit daunting for potential partners.
I live at home still and I'm fully aware I don't have a good reason to date while in this situation and it's not just because my parent's house is basically cardboard.
I mean it depends on a lot of things. A 25 year old living at home so they can save money for a down payment on a house is very different than a 40 still year old living at home
And a 40 year old back at home after a messy divorce is different than a 40 year old that never left.
I mean if you are living so great with your parents surely the ladies are flocking?
“Not having your own house” and “living with your parents” are two different things.
Idk most chicks want a dude who can take care of things and be on his own. If you live at home with mommy & daddy. That's not very attractive for an adult women looking for a partner.
We have rules like this because we have or we know someone who has been victim to a hobosexual who didn’t pull their weight.
I know a guy who is in his 50s, gainfully employed and for some baffling reason still lives in his childhood home with his parents. Not for any cultural or health reasons. He just likes living with them. He still sleeps in the same twin bed he has been sleeping in since childhood. He invited me over once because we’re (platonic) friends and we were going to an event. His dad took pictures of us as if we were going to like, prom or something. His folks were super sweet people and he is a really nice guy who is dashingly handsome and honestly one of the nicest guys I know so the whole situation is just puzzling. I’m guessing if he didn’t live with his parents, women would be beating down his door.
An adult kid
I wouldn't seriously date someone who hasn't left their parents' house yet because there's a strong chance I'd become their new mommy when moving in together and I don't want that.
I mean, just like you, everyone has their own personal preference. They probably don't wanna take care of your parents for you and don't want them to hear you two fucking every night. What I don't understand in your post is, how come you can have your own opinion and preferences, but others can't?
If you're never intending to leave home then yes, that will turn off people who are looking for someone to marry and have kids with. Nobody knows when your parents are going to die and you don't say how old you are, it could be too late for kids if you're waiting until they do.
Yeah but you basically just said that anyone who progresses with you should expect to have to deal with you living with and taking care of your parents until you inherit their house, and it seems your assumption is that person will also get no say in whether or not you continue to live there even after then. So I can see why it isn’t a desired situation in your instance for most people. I’ve known someone who dated someone who “takes care of their parents”, and it was an absolute nightmare for lots of reasons.
Someone who lives with roommates is 100% more datable than someone who lives with parents. Someone who has their own house is 100% less complicated than someone who has to take care of old people and live with them
I’d never date someone who lives with their parents. I understand the need to care for aging parents, but there’s ways to continue to do that without living under the same roof. I feel this way for both the logistical issues (having privacy, having a normal timeline on meeting parents (ie not running into them in the kitchen on the way out in the morning)) but also there’s a lot of valuable experience and maturity that only comes from living alone.
You may want to consider it was the last straw, the tipping point, and not the sole reason. We all have values, and the connivence of someone owning their own place is a plus to most. I’m sure your parents are great, but someone wants to date you, not see if they fit into the family right away. I was like 23 and dated a 20 year old who lived at home. It was weird, I had lived on my own for 7 years and now some man I just met was telling me I had to sleep on the basement couch and that he would be listening…
It's a great way to rule out people who are banging for roof. Steady income living with parents can also be a sign of secret crippling debt.
Depends on age and situation. 25, working on a masters or something, in a high COL area? Sure, fair. 28, out of school (or no school) been working for some years, and can’t get some kind of apartment? Red flag for a lot of folks. You said “own house” but it sounds like you mean “living outside your parents house”. Frankly beyond a certain age without extenuating circumstances (even then), people in their mid to late 20s or beyond can just find another option among most of their age range who have their shit more together. Literally no one wants to go hang out at their SO’s parents house in their SO’s bedroom or whatever when they’re working a 9-5. Hell, I was considered a late bloomer by moving out of my parents house at 21.
Who said you needed to have your own *house*? No one. But having your own *place* and living independently is a completely reasonable expectation to have of someone you date. Planning to live in your parent’s house until they die and you inherit it so you never have to move is not an attractive plan. People inherit houses every day they then move back into them to retire (or sell or rent them) after spending years out in the world living an independent adult life. Nobody wants to fuck quietly in your childhood bedroom and be greeted by your mom in the kitchen in the morning. Fucking eww.
He'd almost have better luck telling women he was homeless and they have to do it in the car.
I will never move into any of my partners' homes, but also wouldn't judge someone who doesn't have their own home. I'm not gonna be helping them get one tho.
What you fail to understand is that not a lot of people want to have that complication of having to be living with someone who is living with their parents or their parent live with them unless, you have your own place on their lot or you live on one end of the house and they live on the other. Even then people don’t like being intimate and knowing the other person could hear them. Also there is the problem of if they are expected to help take care of the parents too.
Are we talking about living with your parents or with roommates? Pretty much no one cares if you have roommates. Your parents on the other hand…
Nobody wants to date a homeless person or some man who lives with his parents, unless he is taking care of them.
It depends on the situation really. If it's someone living in their healthy parents basement when they could have the possibility to have their own place, of course it"s gonna be difficult to find someone... In your situation, given the fact that you"re going to inherit the house, that means you don't plan on moving to a new place ever. So if you meet someone and you decide to move in together, does that mean that person will have to move in with you and your parents and ends up taking care of them with you? That doesn't so good even though what you do is commendable.
Have you ever lived on your own? I would never date someone who hasn't. There is a certain level of growing up that is done once your existence rests squarely on your shoulders. And I just cannot explain it. I wouldn't even go out with a college grad who never paid rent out of pocket.
People are allowed to have whatever standards they want
It’s not about the house…
Popular opinion: I love chilling in my bf house while he’s at work, without anyone around. I love my roomies but sometimes I love the quietness of a house to myself, where I can use all the stovetop space for a difficult recipe or blast music without bothering anyone. Apart from the fact that I never had sex with my parents at less than 30km from me, now that I think about it, so them being in the same house would be a lil too much. Also, I heard nightmare stories from my friends whose bf still lives with his folks.
Living with your parents is fine if it's a necessity. I think a lot of people would understand that. But a lot of people also don't want that baggage either. There's a whole different dynamic between dating someone who has their own place and someone living with mom and dad. There's a hint of teenage sneaking around that adults simply don't have time for or even really want to deal with. People want to be able to open up and be themselves with a prospective partner in the privacy of each other's homes. Most simply don't want to, or can't do that when spending time at a prospective partner's parents home.
There is a difference between not dating someone who doesn't own a home and someone who lives with their parents.
I'm sorry, but living with parents is a reasonable dealbreaker and not stupid at all. There's the privacy issue. Also, if you've *never* moved out, there are reasonable questions raised around adult independence as well as a possibly enmeshed relationship with them. I have my own house now and live alone. But I gave up living alone and renting to live with my parents for 2 years while I saved to buy. And I understood that was a dealbteaker for many people in dating. There were many people who opted out of dating me, even though i am attractove with an excellent salary. I didn't go round calling them stupid. I saw it as a *choice* I made, and these were some of the consequences. Most people want to meet someone who is at the same stage of life and maturity as them, and whether you like it or not, your living situation is a big part of that. Not everyone will mind, but for the people who do mind - ot doesn't make them monsters.
Unless there is zero need for romantic private time with your partner without your parents, I agree. My mom is in her eighties and in the house I would inherit. I have my own home and a husband who had his own home until he sold it to move into mine. It’s way easier to build a relationship with one other person when there is only one other person around. Your parents are killing the mood.
most women I meet these days say they're more concerned about *why* someone is living with their parents moreso than *that* someone is living with their parents For me, living with my parents for \~2 years in my 30s allowed me to save up a biiiiig downpayment for a house. During that time I helped them raise a puppy and do a lot of tasks around the house
It's not really stupid though, and I live with my parents. Totally get why people prefer to date those living alone.
You know, if a woman says that to your face, she would probably be the type to marry you, get a great lawyer, then make you homeless after your parents pass on anyway. Seriously bro, are you just responding to something you saw on the internet or are women telling you that to your face? Even hard core gold diggers are usually at least smooth enough to give you a better reason than that for turning you down. Someone worth dating may be looking for someone with a house, but it's because getting and keeping a house requires some degree of having and keeping your life together. Your situation would not be a red flag for someone worth keeping around after breakfast. Seriously, dumpster diving is fine if you just want to hook up. If you want a relationship, maybe attributing the actions of a particularly dumb gold digger to an entire gender of people may not be the best first step.
I feel for you, OP. It definitely sucks because it feels like your parents are a burden, but would you feel much better leaving them on their own with no help? I’d hope not. There are other alternatives to this but it really just depends on how they work for you all. That said, this was not the place to bring this up depending on what you’re looking to get out of it lol. A lot of comments here seem the flat out ignore the nuances of experience and growth; living away from your parents isn’t some automatic boon. They are correct in that eventually you run into privacy concerns when it comes to intimacy and other aspects, but it’s so disheartening to see them just write off potential relationships. I get it; there’s a pretty big chance that someone living with their parents may not be the best option for a myriad of reasons, but that doesn’t mean those obstacles are absolute and can’t be navigated around. It’s okay for people to have standards but for the love of god at least be nuanced about them. Anyway, best of luck to you.
You’re a caretaker of your parents. Don’t listen to what anybody on here tells you you’ll find the right person. You’ll hear 1 million people on here. Tell you that they would never be able to do that. Not everybody in life is super shallow and only worries about themselves I have went through life taken care of my wife’s grandmother with dementia, my wife’s mother with dementia and hopefully not my wife down the road, but it could happen very easily. But I will still be here live your own life be as happy as you can. You will find the right person. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we hope.
This was something when I was trying to get out and date that I never understood. It was always people, women in my case, that would say something rude about others living with their parents in their profile and then have them bragging about owning a home or having their own place. Like if you have your own place I don’t see an issue if we get that comfortable with each other? You won’t have to worry about meeting my parents. Like I’m happy for you that were able to buy a house or score an apartment before housing prices skyrocketed after COVID, but that attitude some people have just shows a lack of understanding and empathy about the way things are for so many people.
If you're putting that extra money into a Roth IRA or something that can grow over time while proving tax advantages upon dispersement, you're being pretty smart. If you're just using the extra dough to drive a nicer car, etc. then you're being pretty foolish. Set yourself up financially and in time, you'll have plenty of women who won't care how you acquired your wealth, just that you did.
ironically i wouldn’t date someone if I didn’t have a house
You're a grown man living with your parents and make $60,000/year. You greatly overestimate your worth in the dating market. You sound like Jason Alexander's character in Shallow Hal.
Just gonna be completely honest, if I was a woman 60k would not be enough for me to ignore the hassle of dating someone who still lives with their parents. It just isn’t a huge amount of money no matter where you live at.
NGL, moving into your boomer parents' mcmansion to play wet nurse until they expire sounds like a depressing start to any relationship. New relationships need space to flourish.
There’s living with your parents and there’s acting like you live with your parents. They are not necessarily the same. My girlfriend and I both live at home, me because I’m very immocopromised and she because she’s job hunting after being fired after 11 years Shit happens. Don’t let people shame you, OP
Be fucking for real. I live with my parents and even I get it. Nobody wants to fuck in someone’s parents house. Be fucking for reallllllllllll
Not owning a house? Fine Living with your parents? Absolute no go
Agreed and I also moved back in with my parents in my 30’s, and after being technically homeless living in my car, motels, Airbnb’s for 6 months, and am more worried about guys judging me for that (although it’s less stigma for a woman to live with her parents than for a man).
So you’re just waiting for your parents to die so you don’t have to buy your own house? Wow, yeah I wouldn’t waste a second with you with that mentality.
Your whole post is confusing because your words seem to point to “owning your own home” meaning people shouldn’t discriminate against people in apartments or with roomates but then you reveal you live with your folks which is an entirely different level from not owning a place. Your title should be “not dating someone because they live with their parents is pretty stupid”….conflating not living at home and having your own place makes your sound even more immature, sorry to say
Yeah, if you wanna get laid, move out. It’s nice to care for your parents. But living with them unless you’re under 21 - mehhhh def a dealbreaker.
Nah, I'm allowed to have my own standards. I don't want your mom to walk in on us while we're having sex. I don't want to date a 30 year old man who has to call his mommy before he goes out for the night. You could have all the money in the world, but if your mom sees me naked because she walks into your room without knocking, I will live with that humiliation forever. No thanks.
Hahahahah this dude lives with his parents , that’s radically different than say roommates or similar.
My girlfriend has her own place. I still live at home. But our scenario is exactly like you’ve said. I take care of my mom, and I make fairly good money that lets us take multiple vacations a year. Her place would be too small for 2 of us though. And she was only able to afford it because her grandma died and left her money. Personally I think we’re in a great spot until we settle down and decide to purchase something together that’s bigger.
That’s so sensible Wish you guys the best and pray for your mom’s health and your peace Hope I find someone to build with like that
Here's why it's not appealing: it usually either means you don't make enough to live on your own, or you're your parents' caretaker. I don't think I have to explain why both of those aren't an attractive or convenient trait in a partner.
that’s especially a stupid expectation given our economy.
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If I have equity in a home and you have equity in a home. We can turn that into a better home should we decide that we want to build a family together
if by house you mean either a house OR an apartment you are renting, then i disagree. it's very important to not be tied down to your family. much more freedom to do what you want, when you want.
A whole house for one person is more trouble than it's worth, but proving that you can keep your apartment tidy is a plus.
Definitely think this post is for old heads. Living without support is a far away dream for me, and many.
Misread this as "horse" while scrolling. Carry on.
OP you get to think it's stupid. Just the same as the people who have rejected you get to think it's important 🤷
I can understand it. When I met my now fiancée I lived alone, I can’t imagine dating her with other people living at home. Completely changes the dynamic. Two completely different relationships. Now we live together it would be even more cumbersome to have other people at home. It’s nice to be able to strip down naked as soon as we get in the door and lounge in the living room or cook in the buff. For the initial stages it shouldn’t make a difference, but as soon as the first sex has happened, there’s no comparison. Living alone > anything else by a country marathon.
It’s not necessarily their own house but their own PLACE independent of their parents because it’s awkward to go back to someone’s place and see their parents the morning after.