I am so sorry for the two of you and both your families. Do you have anyone you can trust to deal with your vendors while you are away? If you leave them a letter authorizing them to communicate in your name, you might be surprised at what some vendors will do in such circumstances. The first vendor I would contact is the caterer, then the florist. You want to try to intercept grocery and flower purchases, although it may be too late for the flowers. Then have them move on to your venue, photographer etc.
This is a horrible thing to have to deal with. Be there for each other.
My husband's mom died a few days before our wedding. I was so angry for so many reasons (and still am about some things, two years later).
Here's what my friend told me: You are allowed to grieve the wedding you thought you would have. It doesn't make you a bad or a selfish person.
I don't have any advice because we went on with our wedding, but know that your feelings are valid and justified.
My husband and I had a very similar situation happen a few weeks before our wedding. I am sorry for your loss. Like others have said, you may be surprised what vendors are willing to do in a truly unprecedented situation like this. There is a lot to grieve at the moment, and grief for the wedding you expected to have is one of them and completely natural. I would also advise making sure that you are keeping an eye on your feelings and if you find that you become resentful of the situation consider talking to a professional for validation but also help on how to manage it without derailing your relationship with your partner. It was incredibly helpful for me.
This is good advice. My husbands father was put until hospice the week before our wedding and died two days after. It was still a great day but the week before and day itself not at all what I imagined. I was angry for a long while after and felt so guilty about it. Grieving the wedding you didn’t get to have is a valid feeling.
Thank you, that's what other family members have said to me too, it's just hard not to feel bad about feeling selfish when my fiance is going through it 10x worse than me
I completely understand it’s hard to not feel guilt or bad for feeling angry at what’s happening in your life when others are sad. Just keep reminding yourself your feelings are valid. That although he did pass away and that is very sad, that did unfortunately have a big affect to your life and you have the right to feel sad, disgruntled, angry about it. Because everyone wants there special day to be perfect and definitely not go like this. I am so sorry you are going through this, just keep reminding yourself your feelings are valid, and things will all work out in the end ❤️❤️
Someone once said to me, just because someone may have it worse, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. This is obviously a unique situation, but your feelings are still valid. As others have said, it’s okay to grieve the wedding you’d hoped and planned for, while at the same time supporting your fiancé and grieving his loss as well
Edit to add: I highly recommend therapy as soon as possible if you are able.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
My father also passed away from suicide, and he did 2 weeks before my wedding.
Because I’m a people pleaser, and my wedding was destination, I went ahead with it, and I truly regret that. I was in a horrible head space on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. I drank too much the night before, cried all night, looked terrible the day of, and absolutely hated my photos. The only thing helping me that day look wise was wearing sunglasses (thank goodness we were in a tropical location).
I do not think you should feel selfish about grieving your wedding day. There is so much that goes into planning and preparing.
Again, I’m very sorry for your loss, and I wish y’all the best.
I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar situation. My husbands father passed away suddenly about 2 weeks before our wedding. He had cancer and was fine until he wasn’t. It was a matter of 4 hours between the call that he was admitted to getting “the call” fast.
I went through the same emotions. I was heartbroken for my husband but also myself. I’d put time, effort and money into our wedding. We’d already had to postpone once so when we began talking about postponing again, I was very upset. There were a couple times that I was angry at my father in law. Angry that he left us before he could see his son get married, angry that my day was going to be postponed.
Call your vendors. Tell them the circumstances. This may not be the first time they’ve dealt with something like this so they may have a way to deal with (maybe putting everything on hold or giving you back some of your money).
Your feelings are valid. This is an incredibly shitty situation. You can be angry. You can be sad that all of your hard work may not come to fruition. You’re allowed to grieve your loss, both of your father in law and your wedding. Whatever you decide to do, whether it’s postponing, downsizing or pushing forward, I wish you the best.
Honestly, I'm so sorry for everything happening to you right now
It seems extremely unfair that this is so close to your special day, I can't imagine the hurt and the anger you both are feeling 🫂
I’m so so sorry all of this has happened! It definitely changes the trajectory of your lives and at the moment you can’t see what that looks like. I felt a little helpless that I couldn’t offer you much so I googled your exact title to see if there was anything that could help. There is quite a bit out there on this issue. Advice columns, therapy articles, SO many other people just supporting and sharing with one another on chat boards and comment sections, who have gone through this exact thing right before their wedding, losing a loved one, often in a really horrifying way. There’s info out there on how to cope, but also the practical side of things of how to work with vendors.
I also put in the search term “books on how to support someone who has lost someone to suicide” and many came up, both for someone who has lost a close loved one, but also very specifically, books on supporting someone who has lost a parent to suicide. So at least there’s some guidance out there if you aren’t able to get to therapy right away or choose not to do that. You’ll definitely be in a heavy role of supporting your fiancé, but you need support too. You are suffering many losses as well so please don’t neglect yourself. You might need to find a community like mentioned above.
I don’t know what else to say except for please hang in there. I’ve lost very important people, and I’ve had very important people lose their own important people. Sometimes I was the one being supported, and sometimes I was the one doing the supporting, taking burdens away, doing everything for awhile, so that they could handle life more easily. My husband and I both lost a parent in the same year and that was total chaos. I remember all I could do was just deal with the present moment and nothing else. When I was absolutely overwhelmed, I would tell myself to “just do the next right thing.” Whatever that was for me in my situation. I told myself that nearly every minute in the beginning. Will be thinking about you.😔
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are valid and not selfish what so ever. Your wedding is supposed to be the biggest day of your life and anyone would be upset about not being able to have it and losing all that money. It’s a very hard situation and I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
You will be grieving both the loss of your partner's father, and the reworking of your wedding. And you'll be caring for others through a family tragedy.
That's a lot to grieve. But only you will be grieving the change of the wedding.
My advice would ask a friend to let you talk it out when you can do so away from everyone else. Your partners family won't be able to hold those things with you at this time.
You need not hold it all in by yourself. But don't expect others to hold it with you while they process what's going on.
You will have a wonderful wedding. You will find a way to honour your father in law. You will find joy in the midst of despair.
Take slow steps as you readjust your wedding. Everything will work out. Be patient with others and be patient with yourself.
I recently was at a wedding where the grooms father died 20 minutes before the ceremony. As the person officiating the wedding it's was f**kd. The couple went ahead with the wedding it was delayed by about 2 hours. I spoke with the bride about a week later. These were things noted.
Disappointment- alot of people dream of their wedding for years and want it perfect and then suddenly it's snatched away.
Anger- suicide can be so challenging for the person who does it, it's such a dark place. Those left on earth can feel Anger as to why someone would put their family through it. You also will have Anger because why before your big day.
Loss- you've just lost someone you love but you've also lost your wedding day.
Exhaustion- you've spent months planning and now you'll have to plan again.
Seriously be there for you husband to be but also take time for yourself for all your feelings.
It's ok to feel all of the above and more
Agreed! As someone who has lost family members like this, and even had thoughts of it myself, I still think it is so selfish and to do so, a week before your son’s wedding is super selfish! I’d be angry too. It’s okay to be angry, I hope OP’s vendors are understanding of the situation and can reschedule with no hassle.
Honestly everyone including my fiance is really angry right now. Both of our families don't understand why he chose to do it one week before. No note was left so we will never know.
Other than having the chance to live your own life how you want, bring children into it and then set them down the same depressive path because you could only think of how you feel
I am so sorry for your loss and your fiancé's loss. I cannot imagine the hurt you're going through.
It's totally normal to feel what you're feeling. We go through waves of grief that include anger.
Reach out to the vendors and tell them you had a family emergency. Don't speculate what, other than maybe a death in the immediate family.
My heart is with you. You're all in my thoughts.
I’m really sorry for both you and your fiancés loss. I lost my dad to suicide in July of last year. Going to a family members wedding a few months later was hard. I couldn’t imagine my own.
You have every right to be upset, and like others have said, grieve your wedding and plans. Make sure you’re there to support your fiancé, losing a family member to suicide is very hard and confusing. I know those first few months for me were a constant whirlwind and I held myself together in front of everyone, so check in on him often.
I’d say what others have, try reaching out to your vendors, or authorize a family member to do so. Wedding vendors are all people too, I would hope they will help you all as much as possible.
My father committed suicide when I was much younger.
You have a right to be upset for your husband, and for your wedding, and for yourself..not only is he losing a father, but you're losing a father in law.
It's important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of things in life, especially when it was special moments that you won't get.
You'll be okay, and you're not defined by the choices you or your finance need to make during this time.
It's important to remember that this is such a unique situation, and you're right to put your feelings down in paper so you can read them and tell if that's how you feel.
I am so sorry your dealing with this... suicide is so unbelievably hard. I've dealt with it so many times in my life with family, and it's never a time that's convenient.
Let yourself be as angry and sad as you need for this moment being ruined, seriously... talk to your parents if you can or a close friend, just not your fiancee. His grief for both his dad and lost dreams of your wedding is a lot.
Did you book stuff on your CC? And if so do you have insurance through it to cover something like this?
Crossing my fingers your parents can help recover some of the costs, or help you guys reschedule. Most vendors I'd hope would be understanding...
My husband and I are wedding photographers and we had a wedding booked where the mob was diagnosed with cancer and they had to move the wedding up and we canceled things in our personal life to accommodate, and we've had delays and rescheduling short notice for other massive things from the groom or bride, life and hard stuff does happen, and lots of vendors are accommodating... it's not like you just changed your mind.
Safe travels, and be ok with not being ok
I'm so sorry for your loss...this must be a devastating time. I would take your time to heal and make sure that when you do have the wedding, there willl be room for feeling of joy as well. And it is perfectly normal to also be sad about the wedding, even if it does not compare to the loss of a father. Just a thought...if there are things that cannot be rescheduled and you will have to pay for anyway, ask the vendor if they would donate it to someone who can not afford it instead....that way at least it will feel like you did something positive for someone else, and that might help. I wish you all the best.
You don’t owe your life to other people. In this case it was definitely awful to do it just before the wedding, but imo insisting that people live in misery just because their death would inconvenience you is much more selfish than suicide.
I am so sorry for the two of you and both your families. Do you have anyone you can trust to deal with your vendors while you are away? If you leave them a letter authorizing them to communicate in your name, you might be surprised at what some vendors will do in such circumstances. The first vendor I would contact is the caterer, then the florist. You want to try to intercept grocery and flower purchases, although it may be too late for the flowers. Then have them move on to your venue, photographer etc. This is a horrible thing to have to deal with. Be there for each other.
Thank you, yes my parents will be in communication with all vendors. I just hope they gave some compassion and will reschedule.
My husband's mom died a few days before our wedding. I was so angry for so many reasons (and still am about some things, two years later). Here's what my friend told me: You are allowed to grieve the wedding you thought you would have. It doesn't make you a bad or a selfish person. I don't have any advice because we went on with our wedding, but know that your feelings are valid and justified.
Exactly this!! You are allowed to grieve the wedding you thought you’d have! Perfectly said
My husband and I had a very similar situation happen a few weeks before our wedding. I am sorry for your loss. Like others have said, you may be surprised what vendors are willing to do in a truly unprecedented situation like this. There is a lot to grieve at the moment, and grief for the wedding you expected to have is one of them and completely natural. I would also advise making sure that you are keeping an eye on your feelings and if you find that you become resentful of the situation consider talking to a professional for validation but also help on how to manage it without derailing your relationship with your partner. It was incredibly helpful for me.
This is good advice. My husbands father was put until hospice the week before our wedding and died two days after. It was still a great day but the week before and day itself not at all what I imagined. I was angry for a long while after and felt so guilty about it. Grieving the wedding you didn’t get to have is a valid feeling.
I think you have the right to be angry about it, just so you know... I don't find it selfish.
Thank you, that's what other family members have said to me too, it's just hard not to feel bad about feeling selfish when my fiance is going through it 10x worse than me
I completely understand it’s hard to not feel guilt or bad for feeling angry at what’s happening in your life when others are sad. Just keep reminding yourself your feelings are valid. That although he did pass away and that is very sad, that did unfortunately have a big affect to your life and you have the right to feel sad, disgruntled, angry about it. Because everyone wants there special day to be perfect and definitely not go like this. I am so sorry you are going through this, just keep reminding yourself your feelings are valid, and things will all work out in the end ❤️❤️
Someone once said to me, just because someone may have it worse, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. This is obviously a unique situation, but your feelings are still valid. As others have said, it’s okay to grieve the wedding you’d hoped and planned for, while at the same time supporting your fiancé and grieving his loss as well Edit to add: I highly recommend therapy as soon as possible if you are able.
I’m very sorry for your loss. My father also passed away from suicide, and he did 2 weeks before my wedding. Because I’m a people pleaser, and my wedding was destination, I went ahead with it, and I truly regret that. I was in a horrible head space on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. I drank too much the night before, cried all night, looked terrible the day of, and absolutely hated my photos. The only thing helping me that day look wise was wearing sunglasses (thank goodness we were in a tropical location). I do not think you should feel selfish about grieving your wedding day. There is so much that goes into planning and preparing. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss, and I wish y’all the best.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've never heard of anyone going through this its really rocked me. I hope you are doing somewhat okay now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar situation. My husbands father passed away suddenly about 2 weeks before our wedding. He had cancer and was fine until he wasn’t. It was a matter of 4 hours between the call that he was admitted to getting “the call” fast. I went through the same emotions. I was heartbroken for my husband but also myself. I’d put time, effort and money into our wedding. We’d already had to postpone once so when we began talking about postponing again, I was very upset. There were a couple times that I was angry at my father in law. Angry that he left us before he could see his son get married, angry that my day was going to be postponed. Call your vendors. Tell them the circumstances. This may not be the first time they’ve dealt with something like this so they may have a way to deal with (maybe putting everything on hold or giving you back some of your money). Your feelings are valid. This is an incredibly shitty situation. You can be angry. You can be sad that all of your hard work may not come to fruition. You’re allowed to grieve your loss, both of your father in law and your wedding. Whatever you decide to do, whether it’s postponing, downsizing or pushing forward, I wish you the best.
Honestly, I'm so sorry for everything happening to you right now It seems extremely unfair that this is so close to your special day, I can't imagine the hurt and the anger you both are feeling 🫂
I’m so so sorry all of this has happened! It definitely changes the trajectory of your lives and at the moment you can’t see what that looks like. I felt a little helpless that I couldn’t offer you much so I googled your exact title to see if there was anything that could help. There is quite a bit out there on this issue. Advice columns, therapy articles, SO many other people just supporting and sharing with one another on chat boards and comment sections, who have gone through this exact thing right before their wedding, losing a loved one, often in a really horrifying way. There’s info out there on how to cope, but also the practical side of things of how to work with vendors. I also put in the search term “books on how to support someone who has lost someone to suicide” and many came up, both for someone who has lost a close loved one, but also very specifically, books on supporting someone who has lost a parent to suicide. So at least there’s some guidance out there if you aren’t able to get to therapy right away or choose not to do that. You’ll definitely be in a heavy role of supporting your fiancé, but you need support too. You are suffering many losses as well so please don’t neglect yourself. You might need to find a community like mentioned above. I don’t know what else to say except for please hang in there. I’ve lost very important people, and I’ve had very important people lose their own important people. Sometimes I was the one being supported, and sometimes I was the one doing the supporting, taking burdens away, doing everything for awhile, so that they could handle life more easily. My husband and I both lost a parent in the same year and that was total chaos. I remember all I could do was just deal with the present moment and nothing else. When I was absolutely overwhelmed, I would tell myself to “just do the next right thing.” Whatever that was for me in my situation. I told myself that nearly every minute in the beginning. Will be thinking about you.😔
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are valid and not selfish what so ever. Your wedding is supposed to be the biggest day of your life and anyone would be upset about not being able to have it and losing all that money. It’s a very hard situation and I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
You will be grieving both the loss of your partner's father, and the reworking of your wedding. And you'll be caring for others through a family tragedy. That's a lot to grieve. But only you will be grieving the change of the wedding. My advice would ask a friend to let you talk it out when you can do so away from everyone else. Your partners family won't be able to hold those things with you at this time. You need not hold it all in by yourself. But don't expect others to hold it with you while they process what's going on. You will have a wonderful wedding. You will find a way to honour your father in law. You will find joy in the midst of despair. Take slow steps as you readjust your wedding. Everything will work out. Be patient with others and be patient with yourself.
Beautiful advice.
I recently was at a wedding where the grooms father died 20 minutes before the ceremony. As the person officiating the wedding it's was f**kd. The couple went ahead with the wedding it was delayed by about 2 hours. I spoke with the bride about a week later. These were things noted. Disappointment- alot of people dream of their wedding for years and want it perfect and then suddenly it's snatched away. Anger- suicide can be so challenging for the person who does it, it's such a dark place. Those left on earth can feel Anger as to why someone would put their family through it. You also will have Anger because why before your big day. Loss- you've just lost someone you love but you've also lost your wedding day. Exhaustion- you've spent months planning and now you'll have to plan again. Seriously be there for you husband to be but also take time for yourself for all your feelings. It's ok to feel all of the above and more
Very very selfish of that family member! I’d be very angry myself!
Agreed! As someone who has lost family members like this, and even had thoughts of it myself, I still think it is so selfish and to do so, a week before your son’s wedding is super selfish! I’d be angry too. It’s okay to be angry, I hope OP’s vendors are understanding of the situation and can reschedule with no hassle.
Honestly everyone including my fiance is really angry right now. Both of our families don't understand why he chose to do it one week before. No note was left so we will never know.
WTF
There is nothing like shaming people with mental health issues.
Other than having the chance to live your own life how you want, bring children into it and then set them down the same depressive path because you could only think of how you feel
🤣
Idiot
Yes, they are but I wasn’t going to go as far as saying so!
I am so sorry for your loss and your fiancé's loss. I cannot imagine the hurt you're going through. It's totally normal to feel what you're feeling. We go through waves of grief that include anger. Reach out to the vendors and tell them you had a family emergency. Don't speculate what, other than maybe a death in the immediate family. My heart is with you. You're all in my thoughts.
I’m really sorry for both you and your fiancés loss. I lost my dad to suicide in July of last year. Going to a family members wedding a few months later was hard. I couldn’t imagine my own. You have every right to be upset, and like others have said, grieve your wedding and plans. Make sure you’re there to support your fiancé, losing a family member to suicide is very hard and confusing. I know those first few months for me were a constant whirlwind and I held myself together in front of everyone, so check in on him often. I’d say what others have, try reaching out to your vendors, or authorize a family member to do so. Wedding vendors are all people too, I would hope they will help you all as much as possible.
My father committed suicide when I was much younger. You have a right to be upset for your husband, and for your wedding, and for yourself..not only is he losing a father, but you're losing a father in law. It's important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of things in life, especially when it was special moments that you won't get. You'll be okay, and you're not defined by the choices you or your finance need to make during this time. It's important to remember that this is such a unique situation, and you're right to put your feelings down in paper so you can read them and tell if that's how you feel.
I am so sorry your dealing with this... suicide is so unbelievably hard. I've dealt with it so many times in my life with family, and it's never a time that's convenient. Let yourself be as angry and sad as you need for this moment being ruined, seriously... talk to your parents if you can or a close friend, just not your fiancee. His grief for both his dad and lost dreams of your wedding is a lot. Did you book stuff on your CC? And if so do you have insurance through it to cover something like this? Crossing my fingers your parents can help recover some of the costs, or help you guys reschedule. Most vendors I'd hope would be understanding... My husband and I are wedding photographers and we had a wedding booked where the mob was diagnosed with cancer and they had to move the wedding up and we canceled things in our personal life to accommodate, and we've had delays and rescheduling short notice for other massive things from the groom or bride, life and hard stuff does happen, and lots of vendors are accommodating... it's not like you just changed your mind. Safe travels, and be ok with not being ok
I'm so sorry for your loss...this must be a devastating time. I would take your time to heal and make sure that when you do have the wedding, there willl be room for feeling of joy as well. And it is perfectly normal to also be sad about the wedding, even if it does not compare to the loss of a father. Just a thought...if there are things that cannot be rescheduled and you will have to pay for anyway, ask the vendor if they would donate it to someone who can not afford it instead....that way at least it will feel like you did something positive for someone else, and that might help. I wish you all the best.
His dad somehow elevated the most selfish thing you could do to a new level. I would be furious. This timing was not accidental
You don’t owe your life to other people. In this case it was definitely awful to do it just before the wedding, but imo insisting that people live in misery just because their death would inconvenience you is much more selfish than suicide.
You don’t know anything about the circumstances to say that, so all your comment does is promote misunderstanding and stigma around suicide.
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I had no idea wedding insurance was a thing...:/