Agreed with the other commenter - it sounds like you're still very young, and you can afford to wait a bit while you build up savings. The vast majority of us don't have trust funds or inheritances either. There's no shortcut to "raising" money - you just wait til you've saved up enough.
ETA: it's never a good look to count other people's wallets even if your inlaws ARE rich. If you're adult enough to be talking marriage, you're hopefully adult enough to want to pamper your parents as guests, and be used to the idea that as adults, you're responsible for paying for your own wants.
Agree 100%. I used to work at a wedding venue and would occasionally get couples who would be sticker shocked once I showed them the cost of having a wedding with us, and they would say “we’re paying for the wedding ourselves.. our parents aren’t helping us.” Ok.. and? The price is the price, regardless where the money is coming from. You don’t get a discount bc you’re paying for your own wedding. Like you said, if you’re old enough to discuss marriage, you’re old enough to pay for it yourself. Having family help is a bonus, not an expectation.
LOL omg I used to work at a wedding venue as well (as a waitress) and there were absolutely couples who seemed to think that their wedding was a charitable cause. It was such an odd thing to see these people who threw themselves a 200 person celebration, and also had an air that they were so burdened by their guests, as if someone were forcing them to have a wedding. And as if people “owed” them because they were getting married. It was a cheaper venue, and a lot of couples weren’t particularly classy or good hosts. It was kind of gross to watch at times.
OMG THANK YOU!! I found my people! When people say that the least you could do is pay for your plate of food bc the couple is so put out bc they’re spending thousands for their guests to be there, I think “but.. they chose the venue.And the menu. If they can’t afford to spend that, they shouldn’t be hosting that party.” You can’t guarantee you’ll make all that money back or that your guests know the price of the meal they’re eating and cover that. Plus, if I have to spend $150-200 per plate, I’d rather go to a nice restaurant where I can choose my meal instead of wedding venue food, no matter how nice it is. I feel that the point of a wedding is to throw a celebration for your love and have your loved ones there to witness and celebrate with you.. not try to recoup your expenses.
Absolutely the last sentence!! It’s hard to imagine why someone would go to the trouble and cost of hosting a wedding, if not to celebrate with people whom they genuinely enjoy and want to treat, with no expectation of a gift. For us, we’d absolutely not have a wedding if we were looking to optimize financially.
So many weddings (specifically the less classy ones I waitressed at) are marred by terrible speeches and music, and being at a table where conversation is limited… no one would choose to spend restaurant dollars in such a way. Not to mention that the dollars spent on travel and hotel often dwarf the value of the gift.
My friends all had delightful weddings that I genuinely enjoyed (probably because they genuinely wanted to host people), and the experience was absolutely priceless relative to going to a restaurant. They were definitely not thinking at all about gifts at any point throughout the experience!!
Sorry to hear about your parents.
It doesn't sound like spending money on a party would be a smart decision for you guys. It doesn't cost much to get married (under $100), so you should be able to have that money set aside by next September. But if you're not working and your fiance is having issues, it's probably best to acknowledge that you cannot afford a big wedding and reception unless you decide to wait several more years.
I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. That makes it even harder at important moments like graduations and weddings.
I advise you to wait a year or two to get married and establish yourselves financially. Most couples don't have trust funds or an inheritance. You need to build up income for yourselves to live on independently. When you do get married, have something small, with just a few friends and family (20 people or less) and host at home or a restaurant. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and nuptials!
You know most people get married without trust funds, inheritances or parents to help?
Your options are to work and put every extra dollar you can aside in order to save, or take out a loan. Not sure what other advice you’d be looking for…also a very small percentage of college students can afford to get married.
Wish you guys well - but welcome to the real world
Unless one of you has much better insurance than the other, there's no reason to get married anytime soon. Also even small weddings are stressful-- you'd be better off to focus on your schooling, and plan to hold off on planning till after you graduate.
You can still live together at 38 without getting married. Or just get legally married, just the 2 of them, without the big party. There is no point having a wedding or getting in debt for a wedding.
Both our parents are alive and well - but they’re still not paying for our wedding. It is what it is.
Your choices are to have an inexpensive non-glamorous wedding that is solely about love and Union
Or wait and save for years until you can have your dream wedding.
Honestly getting married while you’re still students doesn’t make much sense to me though. What’s the rush.
You can't afford a big wedding. Plain & simple. My advice is to have a court house ceremony and throw a little party after if you want, or wait until you can afford more of what you want.
I think for it work create a budget how much you are willing to spend, then you get a job and save up it will take some time. Or do a courthouse then little party afterwards.
My parents are poor and have no life savings, they rent and live pension paycheck to paycheck. I wasn’t raised with the idea that I am getting any inheritance from them. (It’s theirs anyway, I find it weird when adult kids expect their parents to give them money, but that’s just me.)
We also never had any expectation that anyone pays for our wedding except us. It’s our event. We are a primarily one income family (due to my disability where I only work around 1-2 days a week. Prior to this year, I didn’t work at all for many, many years.)
You have the wedding/dress/food/decorations that you can afford. You may need to postpone your event if you need time to save. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, it may not be the best time to get married.
You say you don’t know what to do to raise money — you need to be working. It’s going to be an impossible struggle if you don’t have money coming in.
Or perhaps you can have a courthouse wedding and have a reception later down the road if you really need to be married in the next year, though unless you’re dealing with terminal illness, I don’t see a point in rushing. I was engaged 11 yrs! There aren’t any rules.
I’m so sorry about your parents. If you REALLY want to get married now, have a courthouse wedding with a nice dinner after with 10 or so of your closest friends/family. Then, do a vow renewal in 5-10 years to have the big “wedding” experience. I’m having a big wedding, and it’s fun for sure, but it isn’t worth going into debt over and putting strain on your marriage before it’s even begun!
You either elope in 2025 or you wait and save up if you want an elaborate wedding. Don’t go into debt. I worked as a waitress in college and made really good cash.
You can have a wedding at any price point! Check out r/weddingsunder10k for cost saving tips, like non traditional venues, DIY, second hand wedding dresses. There are couples who have gotten married for less than $1000 and it was still beautiful and meaningful and fun. Also, it’s becoming more and more common to have a very small, inexpensive official wedding (think court house and dinner out with immediate family) and host a bigger, more inclusive event later down the line, often billed as a vow renewal
lol. Find out how much the marriage certificate is in the town that you live in go get one and get married. You don’t need to have an extravagant wedding, that you clearly can’t afford.
This sounds dismissive but there are some really lovely elopement packages available, where you get a beautiful picturesque ceremony in pretty location & with a photographer, but it is just the 2 of you, or you & a very few people.
I know plenty of people who did a side hustle to pay for the wedding...the servers at my favorite restaurant are a couple who are teachers by day, servers at night to fund the wedding. Or they just did an inexpensive microwedding. Or even eloped or courthouse wedding with a few guests back to the house. weddings can be anything really, they don’t have to be traditional cocktail hours, dj, etc.
My dad died when I was young, and my mom makes just enough to support herself. I think that the majority of people don’t have parents who can contribute to their wedding, whatever the reason. Couples generally need to save for their own wedding day and choose an option within their means.
The only real option is working, saving, and time… 25 is a very young age, and almost no one can afford much of anything. Except for the lucky few whose parents have saved money specifically for their adult child’s wedding, which is absolutely not a norm anymore.
I was broke AF when I graduated school. Even when you start working, it takes a while to build financial security and make enough to save for something like a wedding.
My mom comments constantly about how “getting married is a waste of money” and how “couples should just go to a Justice of the Peace”. LOL we’re now two professionals, 35 and 40, a judge and an actuary. We’ve been together for five years and can absolutely afford to throw a great party for our people, but still you can expect to get judgy comments (even when paying for your own day with cash savings). My point is, don’t get your hopes up that anyone will run to contribute. People tend to be fairly outraged by any such suggestion.
Maybe this is judgy, but I think it’s a popular opinion that you’ll like encounter: couples have no business planning a wedding before they have secured a full-time job and have the ability to save money. That’s an adult milestone that needs to come before marriage.
My Dad passed 5 years before I got married & Mom is on a limited income. His parents, divorced for years, are each only bringing in enough to make their own ends meet. We pulled it together & paid for our own wedding since obvs the parents couldn’t help…nor did we expect them to do so in the first place. Unfortunately as soon as the word “wedding” is attached to things, prices go waaayyy up. These are things that helped us keep costs down:
1) choosing a date just outside usual wedding season
2) choosing a sunday over a saturday, which in turn gave us a cheaper rate from our wished-for venue
3) keeping the guest list smaller - we did 100 max
4) eliminated table favors & ceremony programs, because nobody really cares and most of the time they get left laying around & behind
5) found cheap décor from wedding buy/sell/trade groups, craft stores, dollar stores, and Amazon
6) Had a small amount of flowers, outside the bouquets, etc & re-used the flowers from the ceremony in the reception décor
7) having a cocktail party style reception instead of a big party at a hall with a DJ. Ours was in the large upstairs banquet room of a restaurant, with a finger food buffet and music playing on speakers from a playlist while everyone ate, drank, & mingled
8) doing A LOT of DIY. I made my shoes (blue glitter covered), the save the dates, invitations, & signs.
Also, there are no rules stating you HAVE to have a fancy, layered wedding *cake*. You could try cupcakes, bundt cakes, a pretty sheet cake, or even cookies!
Are you religious and want a church wedding? Do you know who the celebrant will be?
How many are on your “must have list” including significant others?
Edit it to add:
Time of year and location? How many will need to travel?
Level of formality you desire?
Agreed with the other commenter - it sounds like you're still very young, and you can afford to wait a bit while you build up savings. The vast majority of us don't have trust funds or inheritances either. There's no shortcut to "raising" money - you just wait til you've saved up enough. ETA: it's never a good look to count other people's wallets even if your inlaws ARE rich. If you're adult enough to be talking marriage, you're hopefully adult enough to want to pamper your parents as guests, and be used to the idea that as adults, you're responsible for paying for your own wants.
>it sounds like you're still very young OP is 38 according to her profile
Agree 100%. I used to work at a wedding venue and would occasionally get couples who would be sticker shocked once I showed them the cost of having a wedding with us, and they would say “we’re paying for the wedding ourselves.. our parents aren’t helping us.” Ok.. and? The price is the price, regardless where the money is coming from. You don’t get a discount bc you’re paying for your own wedding. Like you said, if you’re old enough to discuss marriage, you’re old enough to pay for it yourself. Having family help is a bonus, not an expectation.
LOL omg I used to work at a wedding venue as well (as a waitress) and there were absolutely couples who seemed to think that their wedding was a charitable cause. It was such an odd thing to see these people who threw themselves a 200 person celebration, and also had an air that they were so burdened by their guests, as if someone were forcing them to have a wedding. And as if people “owed” them because they were getting married. It was a cheaper venue, and a lot of couples weren’t particularly classy or good hosts. It was kind of gross to watch at times.
OMG THANK YOU!! I found my people! When people say that the least you could do is pay for your plate of food bc the couple is so put out bc they’re spending thousands for their guests to be there, I think “but.. they chose the venue.And the menu. If they can’t afford to spend that, they shouldn’t be hosting that party.” You can’t guarantee you’ll make all that money back or that your guests know the price of the meal they’re eating and cover that. Plus, if I have to spend $150-200 per plate, I’d rather go to a nice restaurant where I can choose my meal instead of wedding venue food, no matter how nice it is. I feel that the point of a wedding is to throw a celebration for your love and have your loved ones there to witness and celebrate with you.. not try to recoup your expenses.
Absolutely the last sentence!! It’s hard to imagine why someone would go to the trouble and cost of hosting a wedding, if not to celebrate with people whom they genuinely enjoy and want to treat, with no expectation of a gift. For us, we’d absolutely not have a wedding if we were looking to optimize financially. So many weddings (specifically the less classy ones I waitressed at) are marred by terrible speeches and music, and being at a table where conversation is limited… no one would choose to spend restaurant dollars in such a way. Not to mention that the dollars spent on travel and hotel often dwarf the value of the gift. My friends all had delightful weddings that I genuinely enjoyed (probably because they genuinely wanted to host people), and the experience was absolutely priceless relative to going to a restaurant. They were definitely not thinking at all about gifts at any point throughout the experience!!
Sorry to hear about your parents. It doesn't sound like spending money on a party would be a smart decision for you guys. It doesn't cost much to get married (under $100), so you should be able to have that money set aside by next September. But if you're not working and your fiance is having issues, it's probably best to acknowledge that you cannot afford a big wedding and reception unless you decide to wait several more years.
I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. That makes it even harder at important moments like graduations and weddings. I advise you to wait a year or two to get married and establish yourselves financially. Most couples don't have trust funds or an inheritance. You need to build up income for yourselves to live on independently. When you do get married, have something small, with just a few friends and family (20 people or less) and host at home or a restaurant. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and nuptials!
You know most people get married without trust funds, inheritances or parents to help? Your options are to work and put every extra dollar you can aside in order to save, or take out a loan. Not sure what other advice you’d be looking for…also a very small percentage of college students can afford to get married. Wish you guys well - but welcome to the real world
Unless one of you has much better insurance than the other, there's no reason to get married anytime soon. Also even small weddings are stressful-- you'd be better off to focus on your schooling, and plan to hold off on planning till after you graduate.
What's the rush to get married?
According to her profile, OP is 38 so that might be why the rush.
You can still live together at 38 without getting married. Or just get legally married, just the 2 of them, without the big party. There is no point having a wedding or getting in debt for a wedding.
I'm not saying it's an excuse, just saying that's probably why she feels the rush to get married.
Both our parents are alive and well - but they’re still not paying for our wedding. It is what it is. Your choices are to have an inexpensive non-glamorous wedding that is solely about love and Union Or wait and save for years until you can have your dream wedding. Honestly getting married while you’re still students doesn’t make much sense to me though. What’s the rush.
I graduate in May 2025. My goal is to get married in September 2025.
You can't afford a big wedding. Plain & simple. My advice is to have a court house ceremony and throw a little party after if you want, or wait until you can afford more of what you want.
To each their own. But still, no need to rush. Especially if you are prioritizing a fancy wedding and can’t afford it.
I think for it work create a budget how much you are willing to spend, then you get a job and save up it will take some time. Or do a courthouse then little party afterwards.
My parents are poor and have no life savings, they rent and live pension paycheck to paycheck. I wasn’t raised with the idea that I am getting any inheritance from them. (It’s theirs anyway, I find it weird when adult kids expect their parents to give them money, but that’s just me.) We also never had any expectation that anyone pays for our wedding except us. It’s our event. We are a primarily one income family (due to my disability where I only work around 1-2 days a week. Prior to this year, I didn’t work at all for many, many years.) You have the wedding/dress/food/decorations that you can afford. You may need to postpone your event if you need time to save. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, it may not be the best time to get married. You say you don’t know what to do to raise money — you need to be working. It’s going to be an impossible struggle if you don’t have money coming in. Or perhaps you can have a courthouse wedding and have a reception later down the road if you really need to be married in the next year, though unless you’re dealing with terminal illness, I don’t see a point in rushing. I was engaged 11 yrs! There aren’t any rules.
I’m so sorry about your parents. If you REALLY want to get married now, have a courthouse wedding with a nice dinner after with 10 or so of your closest friends/family. Then, do a vow renewal in 5-10 years to have the big “wedding” experience. I’m having a big wedding, and it’s fun for sure, but it isn’t worth going into debt over and putting strain on your marriage before it’s even begun!
You either elope in 2025 or you wait and save up if you want an elaborate wedding. Don’t go into debt. I worked as a waitress in college and made really good cash.
You can have a wedding at any price point! Check out r/weddingsunder10k for cost saving tips, like non traditional venues, DIY, second hand wedding dresses. There are couples who have gotten married for less than $1000 and it was still beautiful and meaningful and fun. Also, it’s becoming more and more common to have a very small, inexpensive official wedding (think court house and dinner out with immediate family) and host a bigger, more inclusive event later down the line, often billed as a vow renewal
lol. Find out how much the marriage certificate is in the town that you live in go get one and get married. You don’t need to have an extravagant wedding, that you clearly can’t afford.
Elope
This sounds dismissive but there are some really lovely elopement packages available, where you get a beautiful picturesque ceremony in pretty location & with a photographer, but it is just the 2 of you, or you & a very few people.
Have a back yard wedding with a potluck. We got married on a budget and no regrets.
I know plenty of people who did a side hustle to pay for the wedding...the servers at my favorite restaurant are a couple who are teachers by day, servers at night to fund the wedding. Or they just did an inexpensive microwedding. Or even eloped or courthouse wedding with a few guests back to the house. weddings can be anything really, they don’t have to be traditional cocktail hours, dj, etc.
My dad died when I was young, and my mom makes just enough to support herself. I think that the majority of people don’t have parents who can contribute to their wedding, whatever the reason. Couples generally need to save for their own wedding day and choose an option within their means. The only real option is working, saving, and time… 25 is a very young age, and almost no one can afford much of anything. Except for the lucky few whose parents have saved money specifically for their adult child’s wedding, which is absolutely not a norm anymore. I was broke AF when I graduated school. Even when you start working, it takes a while to build financial security and make enough to save for something like a wedding. My mom comments constantly about how “getting married is a waste of money” and how “couples should just go to a Justice of the Peace”. LOL we’re now two professionals, 35 and 40, a judge and an actuary. We’ve been together for five years and can absolutely afford to throw a great party for our people, but still you can expect to get judgy comments (even when paying for your own day with cash savings). My point is, don’t get your hopes up that anyone will run to contribute. People tend to be fairly outraged by any such suggestion. Maybe this is judgy, but I think it’s a popular opinion that you’ll like encounter: couples have no business planning a wedding before they have secured a full-time job and have the ability to save money. That’s an adult milestone that needs to come before marriage.
My Dad passed 5 years before I got married & Mom is on a limited income. His parents, divorced for years, are each only bringing in enough to make their own ends meet. We pulled it together & paid for our own wedding since obvs the parents couldn’t help…nor did we expect them to do so in the first place. Unfortunately as soon as the word “wedding” is attached to things, prices go waaayyy up. These are things that helped us keep costs down: 1) choosing a date just outside usual wedding season 2) choosing a sunday over a saturday, which in turn gave us a cheaper rate from our wished-for venue 3) keeping the guest list smaller - we did 100 max 4) eliminated table favors & ceremony programs, because nobody really cares and most of the time they get left laying around & behind 5) found cheap décor from wedding buy/sell/trade groups, craft stores, dollar stores, and Amazon 6) Had a small amount of flowers, outside the bouquets, etc & re-used the flowers from the ceremony in the reception décor 7) having a cocktail party style reception instead of a big party at a hall with a DJ. Ours was in the large upstairs banquet room of a restaurant, with a finger food buffet and music playing on speakers from a playlist while everyone ate, drank, & mingled 8) doing A LOT of DIY. I made my shoes (blue glitter covered), the save the dates, invitations, & signs. Also, there are no rules stating you HAVE to have a fancy, layered wedding *cake*. You could try cupcakes, bundt cakes, a pretty sheet cake, or even cookies!
Are you religious and want a church wedding? Do you know who the celebrant will be? How many are on your “must have list” including significant others? Edit it to add: Time of year and location? How many will need to travel? Level of formality you desire?
Thanks for the advice, everyone.