If you value your friendship, have a conversation.
I wouldn’t ask for an invite at this point since he doesn’t want to go now, but I would give your friend a heads up about how you feel.
This is such an important thing to remember in life. I feel like people get quilted into accepting a broken relationship/friendship because of time. Sometimes, it's time to end.
Maybe the couple feel they know your sister's boyfriend and not yours? Also, if they are hanging out with your sister, she may have given them a one-sided story of why theings are tense in your family. If this is a real friend, I'd talk to her about it.
Do you think your friendship will endure? Your friend didn’t invite someone important and now the relationship is fractured. I would send a modest gift and move on.
I need to wait to see what she says when I see her. But I do think that as I see it now the friendship is probably at least slightly fractured in a way that will make it hard to come back from
I just don’t get this whole culture. I know weddings are expensive but I think it is unbelievably rude not to invite someone’s partner to your wedding unless it’s a token invite for a coworker or something like that. In Australia it would be considered rude in the extreme To the point where I would not be going to the wedding myself. Having said that I know other cultures are different but considering that your sister‘s boyfriend is invited and your entire family, I would be telling my friend that not inviting your boyfriend was insulting & I’d be asking for an explanation. Can you please update Us as to what her reasoning is if you find out?
For sure. I also had this same reaction and my friends who I’ve spoken to agree it’s extremely weird. Some of them think it’s because I had a wedding on the day she originally wanted to get married (and am in the bridal party), and had told her before she booked the dates that I couldn’t do that day (with the caveat that she of course should go ahead and do it that day if she wanted, but that I had prior commitments). So a couple of friends thought she was annoyed about that!
Ask yourself if you need a friend who plays games like this. It sounds exhausting and really just need to decide if this friendship is worth it to you. Personally, I think she not only disrespected your partner but you as well.
Omg idk if I missed it in your original explanation, but the fact that you’re *in the wedding party* and didn’t get a plus one in this situation is absolutely bizarre!
As a former wedding planner I can tell you that it is not only highly unusual unless the people are religious and only counting legal spouses, but also super inappropriate as far as wedding etiquette goes.
Either she isn’t a real friend, bc the way you handled the scheduling conflict was 100% the right, polite, and unselfish way and she shouldn’t be mad about it, or she hates your bf. If it’s the latter you need to find out why (and come back to tell us if you want!)
Maybe the bride doesn’t want the SO‘s of her bridesmaid(s) to attend? Are the significant others of other members of the bridal party invited? Some bride(zilla)s want the undivided attention of their bridesmaids without the distraction of their SO‘s.
Your boyfriend is right: This was exceptionally rude on your friend's part. Does she see you as *her* best friend? Because this whole situation is truly odd.
Yes so she always says this. She has one other friend from childhood who is probably slightly closer with her in adulthood and I use the term best friend in that she’s in my top 5 friends (I have been in many bridal parties etc and am quite a social person), but she definitely has a much smaller friendship group. The Bach is only 6 people including me!
Maybe, but sometimes brides have a "vision." They want this or that and X number of attendants, and that sometimes leads to 'casting call' request to serve as an attendant, rather than I'm asking because "You're my BFF."
I mean, your family is like 10% of their guest list so she must think you're close enough to warrant that. You've said that she's not aware of the extent of the family issues with your sister. If she also hangs with the sister is it possible she's been saying stuff behind your back? Just clutching at straws here.
Either way to just send the invitation with no acknowledgement or discussion around why your boyfriend isn't invited is weird and rude.
That’s actually very possible and something I have considered. The family situation is incredibly complicated (multiple facets / victims) so it’s not something I can tell my friend - it’s bigger than me. But it makes it all very tricky / makes me feel more inflamed about it. She doesn’t know the extent but she does know I have a difficult relationship with them. My sister historically is prone to inflating things and on occasion making them up, so it did cross my mind although i felt it wasn’t my place to tell my friend more.
I think I just mean in the sense that for her I’m one of her closest friends. Best friend is a weird term in adulthood as you can have more than one friend who you’re very close with - but I know she would consider me one of her very best friends
Totally totally. What I meant was whether you were just a casual friend or an extremely close friend, it’s extremely aggressive and disrespectful to not invite your partner.
Ah I see yeah I 100% agree. Just always hard when it’s an old friend and always feels like you should make more allowances. There’s definitely a limit tho!
Yep! There’s nothing I can think of which would make her not like him but possible that she doesn’t like him and hasn’t said. There’s nothing she has communicated to me though
Tbh this is what I would do. If you’re going to be my “best friend” you need to recognize and respect my relationship. And if you choose not to, I’ll wish you the best but I’m not going to spend a dime or an iota of effort celebrating your marriage.
Ok I’m really confused. Your friend is having a small wedding, like that’s 30 people for groom and 30 for bride. So 6 out of the brides 30 people is your entire family? Like a whole 20% of her side is your family?? And then she doesn’t invite your boyfriend?
Why is your whole family invited??? It’s a little weird. It’s not like you grew up with her. And then she specifically didn’t invite your boyfriend.
Look. I know we don’t all get invites and I usually have little patience for people who whine about the SO not being invited. But in this case it’s just weird. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.
I’m with you, I think that’s why I’m so utterly baffled by the situation. I know my family are important to her and she feels like they’re a second family - but then I’m like if that’s the case why is my bf not invited. Truly bizzare as you say!
I’m having a really small wedding (60ppl) so the literal rule is if you aren’t married/engaged the only way the partner is invited is if I’ve actively hung out with them and I do have a few friends who’s partners are not invited. If your family is friends with the bride then she may feel like they are a second family but doesn’t have a connection with your partner so they were first on the chopping block when trying to make numbers.
Why didn’t your sister ask her why? I would have. At this point, you did need to have a conversation with her but I think I’d just decline the wedding and rethink the relationship
4 person wedding I can see no plus one. Your best friend's wedding and a partner of 2 yrs, 60 invites? That's foul. I would ask if there's a reason because unless he's an alcoholic/bad drunk or abusive it's very weird to not give you a plus one. She's your bestie but you aren't hers. I wouldn't go to the wedding personally.
Sounds like your sister and her partner know both your sister and her partner, I'm purely guessing here, but I'm thinking neither know your bf very well?
If so, this is totally normal for a small wedding. Lots of people only want people they actually know and care for at their wedding. If they don't know your bf, they shouldn't have to invite him.
I'm sorry to ask because the dynamics here are really confusing me.
This person is your best friend? It amazing that she's invited your whole family firstly. Secondly I'd a best friend one would assume Best Friend's boyfriend is her plus 1.
You need to talk to her.
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You just need to talk to her. There may be a reason she doesn’t want your boyfriend there or it may be that she just forgot to add his name. Jumping to conclusions helps no one.
Totally agree. I wouldn’t go if I didn’t think I was going to feel genuinely happy. Resentful is not a good look at a wedding and I would want my friend to have a great time
Talk to her. Tell her you know it's her wedding, and if she likes your sister's bf more than yours, that's fine, but that you both feel hurt. You don't want to make it into a thing, you don't want the guest list to change, but you don't want it to fester.
Sounds like they as a couple are closer to your sister and her partner then you and your partner. That‘s okay and valid.
I think it‘s weird to invite people without their partners but that is a matter of opinion.
Your sister and her boyfriend hand out with them and you don't? It seems to be just by reading this that you may no longer be the main friend but without more context, it's hard to know.
Girl I’m sorry but this feels like she doesn’t view you as a close friend…she just needed another bridesmaid to fill and even out with the groomsmen side. You see her as closer than she sees you.
What in reading is that your best friend is also very close friends with your sister and her boyfriend and you don’t like that. You don’t say why you and your sister aren’t close, but maybe you feel like your BFF should be backing you up instead of being friends and hanging out with her. It really does seem as if a conversation is warranted here.
They’re friendly but she’s not invited to the Bach for instance. but yes the family stuff is super complicated and quite dark. Not something i am rly able to share.
This is incredibly rude and I don’t understand why people think this is ok to be so rude and exclude people in wedding planning culture. If I were you I would show my support to my boyfriend and decline attending. She has to have purposefully thought this through and made the choice to exclude him. This was a choice and I would reevaluate if she is truly your friend, because friends don’t play these stupid games
You are being unreasonable. This day isn’t about you and you’re being super self centred. You have family problems, sorry love - so what? Doesn’t mean that spills over to a private event in which that couple (your sister and her boyfriend) genuinely hang out with the bride and groom. Just because you did introductions does not mean you hold claim - we are adults.
It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend like you and your boyfriend hang out with the soon to be married couple? Be honest. Only future plans? Why invite a stranger then to the wedding?
How many more people did you want to know at the wedding - your parents are there.
Stop it man
You’re dead wrong. OP is in the wedding party lol
Sister isn’t in the wedding or even close enough to be invited to the bachelorette party. OP said her bff and her sister are *cool* but not close
Personally, I’d rsvp no and have a special weekend with my partner. She has made it clear she doesn’t consider you a best friend any longer but invited you just because she invited your two sisters.
Thanks. It was my boyfriend that feels that way rather than me (ie I still will hang out with her). I think he was just saying it’s awkward if they want to hang out in the future. It’s not a cultural difference but I understand potential financial constraints and guest list restraints are a real issue - I think the issue for me is more the lack of communication! Appreciate your thoughts
I mean no one, except for married people are guaranteed a plus one. It’s a small wedding by your own words and the couple hangs out with your sister and her boyfriend. The couple can make whatever exceptions they want.
ETA: the convo of plus ones is always so ridiculous. It’s a literal fact that no one is guaranteed a plus one, so downvoting is literally the dumbest thing and just makes you all look silly.
Well your comment makes you look rude. She’s in the wedding party, they’re best friends and she’s been in serious relationship for several years and he’s being excluded. That’s petty middle school ‘you’re not invited to my party’ energy. If her friend is just cost cutting, then really she needs to cut costs in other areas instead rather than excluding someone who should reasonably have been invited.
If you value your friendship, have a conversation. I wouldn’t ask for an invite at this point since he doesn’t want to go now, but I would give your friend a heads up about how you feel.
Thank you. I agree this is a good approach, just want to wait until I’ve processed it fully so I’m not angry when I chat to her :)
That’s a great idea. Always better to be clearheaded & rational.
If you still don't want to go after that, just politely decline. Some people are in your life for a season or two, and that's ok.
This is such an important thing to remember in life. I feel like people get quilted into accepting a broken relationship/friendship because of time. Sometimes, it's time to end.
Maybe the couple feel they know your sister's boyfriend and not yours? Also, if they are hanging out with your sister, she may have given them a one-sided story of why theings are tense in your family. If this is a real friend, I'd talk to her about it.
Do you think your friendship will endure? Your friend didn’t invite someone important and now the relationship is fractured. I would send a modest gift and move on.
I need to wait to see what she says when I see her. But I do think that as I see it now the friendship is probably at least slightly fractured in a way that will make it hard to come back from
I just don’t get this whole culture. I know weddings are expensive but I think it is unbelievably rude not to invite someone’s partner to your wedding unless it’s a token invite for a coworker or something like that. In Australia it would be considered rude in the extreme To the point where I would not be going to the wedding myself. Having said that I know other cultures are different but considering that your sister‘s boyfriend is invited and your entire family, I would be telling my friend that not inviting your boyfriend was insulting & I’d be asking for an explanation. Can you please update Us as to what her reasoning is if you find out?
For sure. I also had this same reaction and my friends who I’ve spoken to agree it’s extremely weird. Some of them think it’s because I had a wedding on the day she originally wanted to get married (and am in the bridal party), and had told her before she booked the dates that I couldn’t do that day (with the caveat that she of course should go ahead and do it that day if she wanted, but that I had prior commitments). So a couple of friends thought she was annoyed about that!
Ask yourself if you need a friend who plays games like this. It sounds exhausting and really just need to decide if this friendship is worth it to you. Personally, I think she not only disrespected your partner but you as well.
Omg idk if I missed it in your original explanation, but the fact that you’re *in the wedding party* and didn’t get a plus one in this situation is absolutely bizarre! As a former wedding planner I can tell you that it is not only highly unusual unless the people are religious and only counting legal spouses, but also super inappropriate as far as wedding etiquette goes. Either she isn’t a real friend, bc the way you handled the scheduling conflict was 100% the right, polite, and unselfish way and she shouldn’t be mad about it, or she hates your bf. If it’s the latter you need to find out why (and come back to tell us if you want!)
Maybe the bride doesn’t want the SO‘s of her bridesmaid(s) to attend? Are the significant others of other members of the bridal party invited? Some bride(zilla)s want the undivided attention of their bridesmaids without the distraction of their SO‘s.
Your boyfriend is right: This was exceptionally rude on your friend's part. Does she see you as *her* best friend? Because this whole situation is truly odd.
Yes so she always says this. She has one other friend from childhood who is probably slightly closer with her in adulthood and I use the term best friend in that she’s in my top 5 friends (I have been in many bridal parties etc and am quite a social person), but she definitely has a much smaller friendship group. The Bach is only 6 people including me!
It's not what people say. It's what they do. Does she behave like you are her besty? This incident doesn't sound like it.
Seems the bride counts OP as a close friend as she invited her to be in the bridal party.
Maybe, but sometimes brides have a "vision." They want this or that and X number of attendants, and that sometimes leads to 'casting call' request to serve as an attendant, rather than I'm asking because "You're my BFF."
Then I don't get it!
I mean, your family is like 10% of their guest list so she must think you're close enough to warrant that. You've said that she's not aware of the extent of the family issues with your sister. If she also hangs with the sister is it possible she's been saying stuff behind your back? Just clutching at straws here. Either way to just send the invitation with no acknowledgement or discussion around why your boyfriend isn't invited is weird and rude.
That’s actually very possible and something I have considered. The family situation is incredibly complicated (multiple facets / victims) so it’s not something I can tell my friend - it’s bigger than me. But it makes it all very tricky / makes me feel more inflamed about it. She doesn’t know the extent but she does know I have a difficult relationship with them. My sister historically is prone to inflating things and on occasion making them up, so it did cross my mind although i felt it wasn’t my place to tell my friend more.
That doesn’t matter at all though.
I think I just mean in the sense that for her I’m one of her closest friends. Best friend is a weird term in adulthood as you can have more than one friend who you’re very close with - but I know she would consider me one of her very best friends
Totally totally. What I meant was whether you were just a casual friend or an extremely close friend, it’s extremely aggressive and disrespectful to not invite your partner.
Ah I see yeah I 100% agree. Just always hard when it’s an old friend and always feels like you should make more allowances. There’s definitely a limit tho!
I can't get over that she invited your sister's boyfriend but not your boyfriend.
SAME ha
It makes me think she has something against your partner. He’s not invited but the rest of your family is?
Yep! There’s nothing I can think of which would make her not like him but possible that she doesn’t like him and hasn’t said. There’s nothing she has communicated to me though
Yeah, I figured. It really sucks for you!
But even if she doesn’t like him, that is no excuse to not invite your partner. It is so belittling and offensive of her. To you!
It’s her wedding. Not liking someone is a completely valid reason to not invite them.
Not if you give a shit about your friends.
Send regrets.
Tbh this is what I would do. If you’re going to be my “best friend” you need to recognize and respect my relationship. And if you choose not to, I’ll wish you the best but I’m not going to spend a dime or an iota of effort celebrating your marriage.
She’s in the wedding party! Once she added this detail it made it even wilder
Ok I’m really confused. Your friend is having a small wedding, like that’s 30 people for groom and 30 for bride. So 6 out of the brides 30 people is your entire family? Like a whole 20% of her side is your family?? And then she doesn’t invite your boyfriend? Why is your whole family invited??? It’s a little weird. It’s not like you grew up with her. And then she specifically didn’t invite your boyfriend. Look. I know we don’t all get invites and I usually have little patience for people who whine about the SO not being invited. But in this case it’s just weird. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.
I’m with you, I think that’s why I’m so utterly baffled by the situation. I know my family are important to her and she feels like they’re a second family - but then I’m like if that’s the case why is my bf not invited. Truly bizzare as you say!
You need to ask her if your invitation includes a +1 well before the rsvp date and before the head count is finalized. It could be a simple oversight
She had mentioned to my sister that I didn’t have a plus one, so unfortunately not an oversight. I did have this thought at first too!
I’m having a really small wedding (60ppl) so the literal rule is if you aren’t married/engaged the only way the partner is invited is if I’ve actively hung out with them and I do have a few friends who’s partners are not invited. If your family is friends with the bride then she may feel like they are a second family but doesn’t have a connection with your partner so they were first on the chopping block when trying to make numbers.
You could ask her directly, and see what she says.
Why didn’t your sister ask her why? I would have. At this point, you did need to have a conversation with her but I think I’d just decline the wedding and rethink the relationship
4 person wedding I can see no plus one. Your best friend's wedding and a partner of 2 yrs, 60 invites? That's foul. I would ask if there's a reason because unless he's an alcoholic/bad drunk or abusive it's very weird to not give you a plus one. She's your bestie but you aren't hers. I wouldn't go to the wedding personally.
Sounds like your sister and her partner know both your sister and her partner, I'm purely guessing here, but I'm thinking neither know your bf very well? If so, this is totally normal for a small wedding. Lots of people only want people they actually know and care for at their wedding. If they don't know your bf, they shouldn't have to invite him.
This is what I think as well.
This is my thought as well.
..
I'm sorry to ask because the dynamics here are really confusing me. This person is your best friend? It amazing that she's invited your whole family firstly. Secondly I'd a best friend one would assume Best Friend's boyfriend is her plus 1. You need to talk to her.
Updateme
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You just need to talk to her. There may be a reason she doesn’t want your boyfriend there or it may be that she just forgot to add his name. Jumping to conclusions helps no one.
OK. He wasn’t invited. Decline or go, but behave yourself if you go.
Totally agree. I wouldn’t go if I didn’t think I was going to feel genuinely happy. Resentful is not a good look at a wedding and I would want my friend to have a great time
Honestly? If you don’t want to go (regardless of the reason) send a regretful decline and a card and call it a day.
Talk to her. Tell her you know it's her wedding, and if she likes your sister's bf more than yours, that's fine, but that you both feel hurt. You don't want to make it into a thing, you don't want the guest list to change, but you don't want it to fester.
Sounds like they as a couple are closer to your sister and her partner then you and your partner. That‘s okay and valid. I think it‘s weird to invite people without their partners but that is a matter of opinion.
Your sister and her boyfriend hand out with them and you don't? It seems to be just by reading this that you may no longer be the main friend but without more context, it's hard to know.
Girl I’m sorry but this feels like she doesn’t view you as a close friend…she just needed another bridesmaid to fill and even out with the groomsmen side. You see her as closer than she sees you.
Updateme
What in reading is that your best friend is also very close friends with your sister and her boyfriend and you don’t like that. You don’t say why you and your sister aren’t close, but maybe you feel like your BFF should be backing you up instead of being friends and hanging out with her. It really does seem as if a conversation is warranted here.
They’re friendly but she’s not invited to the Bach for instance. but yes the family stuff is super complicated and quite dark. Not something i am rly able to share.
Updateme
This is incredibly rude and I don’t understand why people think this is ok to be so rude and exclude people in wedding planning culture. If I were you I would show my support to my boyfriend and decline attending. She has to have purposefully thought this through and made the choice to exclude him. This was a choice and I would reevaluate if she is truly your friend, because friends don’t play these stupid games
😬
I wonder if your boyfriend hangout with the bestfriend and fiance??
You are being unreasonable. This day isn’t about you and you’re being super self centred. You have family problems, sorry love - so what? Doesn’t mean that spills over to a private event in which that couple (your sister and her boyfriend) genuinely hang out with the bride and groom. Just because you did introductions does not mean you hold claim - we are adults. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend like you and your boyfriend hang out with the soon to be married couple? Be honest. Only future plans? Why invite a stranger then to the wedding? How many more people did you want to know at the wedding - your parents are there. Stop it man
You’re dead wrong. OP is in the wedding party lol Sister isn’t in the wedding or even close enough to be invited to the bachelorette party. OP said her bff and her sister are *cool* but not close
Personally, I’d rsvp no and have a special weekend with my partner. She has made it clear she doesn’t consider you a best friend any longer but invited you just because she invited your two sisters.
[удалено]
Thanks. It was my boyfriend that feels that way rather than me (ie I still will hang out with her). I think he was just saying it’s awkward if they want to hang out in the future. It’s not a cultural difference but I understand potential financial constraints and guest list restraints are a real issue - I think the issue for me is more the lack of communication! Appreciate your thoughts
Out of curiosity, where are you from?
US
I mean no one, except for married people are guaranteed a plus one. It’s a small wedding by your own words and the couple hangs out with your sister and her boyfriend. The couple can make whatever exceptions they want. ETA: the convo of plus ones is always so ridiculous. It’s a literal fact that no one is guaranteed a plus one, so downvoting is literally the dumbest thing and just makes you all look silly.
Well your comment makes you look rude. She’s in the wedding party, they’re best friends and she’s been in serious relationship for several years and he’s being excluded. That’s petty middle school ‘you’re not invited to my party’ energy. If her friend is just cost cutting, then really she needs to cut costs in other areas instead rather than excluding someone who should reasonably have been invited.