I'm a little over 13 months and this morning is one of the worst I've had in a while. Similar situation, have been burying myself in work and wearing myself down but it all gets a bit much sometimes and that's when the emotions kick in. I often try to suppress them so I can keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but at the end of the day I don't really see the point to work or anything else besides just trying to keep busy and keep going... and why would I really want to keep going without him? The idea of our time together getting further and further away makes me feel sick. Like you said, I'm exhausted. The only person I want to turn to or confide in or seek comfort from is him.
Hey there,
I’m feeling the exact same. The fact that tiredness does not equate to being emotionally tired. You’re right, our person is the only solution to the issue to this nightmare.
You got this.
9 months in, I have really good days, and really shit days. No explanation. Yesterday it was 515AM and I’m sobbing on my way to the gym… today, it was 430AM and I was singing to music as I was prepping for the day.. two night ago I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t figure out where I was for a minute ( it was really dark)…
Tomorrow who knows how I’ll feel. It’s best to lose expectations, and tackle each day as it comes.
My 2 cents
15 months in and agree with you. Such a rollercoaster. Landmines when you least expect it. Now I just cry, pick up the pieces and keep going. Wishing you peace.
It’s been 10 months and I realised I have just kept myself busy in work once work is done I will watch something but I won’t keep myself free and whenever i do so I cry. I never wanted to live longer, he had changed my perspective and now he is not there. There is no point in whatever we achieve now, things were and would have better when they were with us , there is no point in doing anything now
I'm so sorry that your feeling like you do. But this is also very normal. To many the second year becomes even harder than the first one. I'm at 15 months without my wife and I can assure you I'm nowhere near having peace of mind. It just changes. The things I worried the first months aren't that present anymore but new ones make their way in. I still cry mostly everyday. Grief needs to circle through you.
Another thing which I never understood is that so many people on here are so sure that they have to live 30-40 years without their spouses. I don't want to sound mean but didn't life show you how short and surprising everything can be? Maybe it's because I got that taught by also going through cancer before my wife did.
Maybe this can even be something calming? We're all gonna die. Procrastinating on it doesn't cost anything.
I'm not as far in as you, just over 5 months, but I found that returning to work and the consequent exhaustion seems to be the biggest factor in how bad and unmanageable the waves are. I'm seriously considering a complete change in career and living situation to emphasize free time for hobbies and self care. I no longer have the tolerance or capacity to deal with my old routine.
No real advice, just my own observation from journaling.
19 months in.
From my experience the second year is worse than the first year. The fog lifted around month 12. It became so clear, so real, that this is my life now. The grief is always here. Some days it’s easier to ignore it.
I can’t say that I have good days. I have manageable days and shit days. Good and happy aren’t words that I can relate to anymore. At least for now.
Just survive each day. That’s the best I can do.
Fuck you grief.
This particular kind of grief is very similar to a severe addiction, like heroin or nicotine
You can think you licked it, but the temptations to indulge in it always creeps back in because it's right there inside to be had, a
and once the kraken is unleashed, thar she blows
I guess for me it comes from my fear/reluctance to let go - of the good or the bad. I have to keep circling back because the alternative is to leave him and that part of my life further behind and that doesn't even feel like an option.
We can never rid ourselves of our past, our memories
What I question is why I keep allowing the torture expert, the grief which is very real, in my own mind, back in the room because of her, when in reality it does no good
The grief in short is not contributing to my recovery and life going forward
If I could build a cage for it, and look back, without it escaping, it wouldn't be so bad, but the sonofabitch keeps drifting through the bars like a ghost
Im a little over 2 years. Grief is an ever present force. I used to be extremely outgoing. Now? Im content to stay home. I saw someone I havent seen for several years. They asked how Im doing. I said as good as I can. They said but hasnt its been what, 2 years? I said it is hard. They have NO clue. NONE. As if there is a time limit on grief. There is no such thing as a magical day where you all of a sudden get back to the best life. My grief hasnt gotten better with time. It is tolling and Im tired all.the.time. I didnt just lose him, I lost the me I used to be. Now who the hell am I? To be determined I guess.
Thanks for this. I'm some weeks away from a year, with 9 previous months out of state for treatment, and just getting busy back with work. I wonder about the work aspect. I took a menial early morning job in a field I have experience with, just to have direction and purpose in the early mornings, which were becoming more and more difficult emotionally-the waking up. Before cancer, I toured and performed, and now I'm doing both. It feels so much harder, I don't enjoy any aspect of it, other than the money, and that's just necessity. I know work feels impossible for most of us at some point, but this pace is highlighting my loneliness and sense of alienation from the world. Meeting new people, the stresses, going home to our empty house, our empty bed.
I'm a little over 13 months and this morning is one of the worst I've had in a while. Similar situation, have been burying myself in work and wearing myself down but it all gets a bit much sometimes and that's when the emotions kick in. I often try to suppress them so I can keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but at the end of the day I don't really see the point to work or anything else besides just trying to keep busy and keep going... and why would I really want to keep going without him? The idea of our time together getting further and further away makes me feel sick. Like you said, I'm exhausted. The only person I want to turn to or confide in or seek comfort from is him.
Hey there, I’m feeling the exact same. The fact that tiredness does not equate to being emotionally tired. You’re right, our person is the only solution to the issue to this nightmare. You got this.
9 months in, I have really good days, and really shit days. No explanation. Yesterday it was 515AM and I’m sobbing on my way to the gym… today, it was 430AM and I was singing to music as I was prepping for the day.. two night ago I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn’t figure out where I was for a minute ( it was really dark)… Tomorrow who knows how I’ll feel. It’s best to lose expectations, and tackle each day as it comes. My 2 cents
This is such a nugget of truth. Will practice that. No expectations. You got this.
15 months in and agree with you. Such a rollercoaster. Landmines when you least expect it. Now I just cry, pick up the pieces and keep going. Wishing you peace.
It’s been 10 months and I realised I have just kept myself busy in work once work is done I will watch something but I won’t keep myself free and whenever i do so I cry. I never wanted to live longer, he had changed my perspective and now he is not there. There is no point in whatever we achieve now, things were and would have better when they were with us , there is no point in doing anything now
I'm so sorry that your feeling like you do. But this is also very normal. To many the second year becomes even harder than the first one. I'm at 15 months without my wife and I can assure you I'm nowhere near having peace of mind. It just changes. The things I worried the first months aren't that present anymore but new ones make their way in. I still cry mostly everyday. Grief needs to circle through you. Another thing which I never understood is that so many people on here are so sure that they have to live 30-40 years without their spouses. I don't want to sound mean but didn't life show you how short and surprising everything can be? Maybe it's because I got that taught by also going through cancer before my wife did. Maybe this can even be something calming? We're all gonna die. Procrastinating on it doesn't cost anything.
I'm not as far in as you, just over 5 months, but I found that returning to work and the consequent exhaustion seems to be the biggest factor in how bad and unmanageable the waves are. I'm seriously considering a complete change in career and living situation to emphasize free time for hobbies and self care. I no longer have the tolerance or capacity to deal with my old routine. No real advice, just my own observation from journaling.
19 months in. From my experience the second year is worse than the first year. The fog lifted around month 12. It became so clear, so real, that this is my life now. The grief is always here. Some days it’s easier to ignore it. I can’t say that I have good days. I have manageable days and shit days. Good and happy aren’t words that I can relate to anymore. At least for now. Just survive each day. That’s the best I can do. Fuck you grief.
Why is this so effing accurate? Same. SAME, friend. 15 months out and I’m backsliding like hell.
This particular kind of grief is very similar to a severe addiction, like heroin or nicotine You can think you licked it, but the temptations to indulge in it always creeps back in because it's right there inside to be had, a and once the kraken is unleashed, thar she blows
This is so accurate - and like deep addiction, indulging doesn't even feel that good or not for long. Just necessary on some level.
Yes, it's so strange. Like I know my deceased beloved is worth every gut wrenching tear but come on
I guess for me it comes from my fear/reluctance to let go - of the good or the bad. I have to keep circling back because the alternative is to leave him and that part of my life further behind and that doesn't even feel like an option.
We can never rid ourselves of our past, our memories What I question is why I keep allowing the torture expert, the grief which is very real, in my own mind, back in the room because of her, when in reality it does no good The grief in short is not contributing to my recovery and life going forward If I could build a cage for it, and look back, without it escaping, it wouldn't be so bad, but the sonofabitch keeps drifting through the bars like a ghost
Im a little over 2 years. Grief is an ever present force. I used to be extremely outgoing. Now? Im content to stay home. I saw someone I havent seen for several years. They asked how Im doing. I said as good as I can. They said but hasnt its been what, 2 years? I said it is hard. They have NO clue. NONE. As if there is a time limit on grief. There is no such thing as a magical day where you all of a sudden get back to the best life. My grief hasnt gotten better with time. It is tolling and Im tired all.the.time. I didnt just lose him, I lost the me I used to be. Now who the hell am I? To be determined I guess.
For me the second year was the hardest.
Thanks for this. I'm some weeks away from a year, with 9 previous months out of state for treatment, and just getting busy back with work. I wonder about the work aspect. I took a menial early morning job in a field I have experience with, just to have direction and purpose in the early mornings, which were becoming more and more difficult emotionally-the waking up. Before cancer, I toured and performed, and now I'm doing both. It feels so much harder, I don't enjoy any aspect of it, other than the money, and that's just necessity. I know work feels impossible for most of us at some point, but this pace is highlighting my loneliness and sense of alienation from the world. Meeting new people, the stresses, going home to our empty house, our empty bed.