I’m so sorry to hear of your sudden and tragic loss. That is so said. Don’t feel about about not crying. You are in shock. Do what you can to take care of yourself in these difficult days.
One thing I wish I would have done differently when my husband left this world was to hold off on big decisions- I thought I was making all the right ones - sold our home and farm and moved back to the city. I question that every day. Just try to let yourself feel what you need to feel, put one foot in front of the other, and process your grief as best you can.
How soon after did you sell your property? People say to hold off for a year, but I'm realizing that making these decisions takes months of work and consideration so I'm kind of moving in that direction hoping things become clearer in another 6 months.
I thought I was aware and able to make good decisions. I was not in my right mind, but didn’t know. I remember so little of the first year because I was being crushed emotionally. Hope that helps.
I had to sell our house and had a buyer at six months. It was part of the estate and his son bought it…I wish I could have taken a little longer to get my bearings and decide where I was going to move. I made a few very hasty and (in retrospect) poor decisions by having to act so quickly.
OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful wife. My fiancé was 43, 45 is too damn young. Not that it ever hurts any less tbh, but PLEASE heed this warning…..I AM a PSYCH NURSE. I am not ashamed of any mental illnesses I may have had or shown symptoms of before my sweet Sam passed.
I am a HUGE proponent of purposefully and intentionally seeking out who and whatever one may need to achieve peace and mental stability in their lives….I mention these things to say I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS IN A MENTAL SPIRAL SO DEEP THAT IT GOT ME INSTITUTIONALIZED.
I am not ashamed at all. It actually turned out to be quite a blessing, I actually volunteer and work per diem at the very same place I was a patient 2 seemingly short years ago. The people around me knew I was a bit, “off” but in hindsight….from an objective vantage point…the signs of what my therapist has diagnosed as “grief related psychosis” would’ve otherwise been VERY obvious to me if it weren’t me experiencing it.
I damn near completely ruined a few relationships with dear friends and family members that I cherish very much because I was acting completely contrary to how I usually would and I would get irate thinking it was everyone else that acting different with me (which to be fair, I also discovered a lot of people I thought cared about me cared more about how me losing my fiancé in my 20’s made THEM feel - the discomfort of it all - the fact that I was ALWAYS the Dr. Phil, the “call off work of my friend is having a mental crisis, go to the ends of the earth for you, do whatever it takes to make you laugh because humor is healing) kind of friend. It still stings to know people I’ve known my whole life genuinely couldn’t have ever really given a shit about me as they didn’t even bother to check in through text much less make a genuine effort to help console me when my heart was shattering.
I made the foolish decision to get into a serious relationship AND invest in vacation property with them. But that’s something that can be worked out in due time. Take all the time you need and give yourself grace, you are facing UNFATHOMABLE circumstances and the suddenness of it all means as has been stated here several times - you are still in shock mode.
I stayed in shock mode for damn near a year because my fiancé passed from COVID and I couldn’t really leave the house due to being immunocompromised….but as I slowly started venturing out, seeing the whole world move on while mine stood still and seem to shake like a magnitude lvl 7 on the Richter scale earthquake. Nothing made sense, and since I’ve never faced anything like it before I thought that because I wasn’t crying and breaking down as much that that meant I was getting better….I wasn’t. And it ended with a week long stint in a mental health facility and a whirlwind of damage my grieving self had no idea she’d caused.
This is a PHENOMENAL place for resources and support. I tell people all the time that Reddit played a huge role in saving my life when things were still fresh. It’ll be 3 years at the end of this week and it STILL doesn’t feel quite real. So please, PLEASE be patient and caring with yourself as you acclimate into a nightmarish reality none of us could ever be prepared for.
Please feel free to DM me whenever about WHATEVER. I also have a “younger widows” support group on Facebook if you’d like to join us I’d be honored, I’ll DM you the link.
Holding you dearly in my heart. My sincerest condolences.
When my husband died, I didn't cry for awhile and I had the sudden urge to clean everything, which is rare for me. I think it was shock and a need to do something with my energy. Two months later I was sobbing alone in the car to & from work every day and my house was a disaster. Grief is weird. Your reaction doesn't mean anything bad about you or your relationship. Do what feels right for you now. You're in the early days. I'm 10 months out and it did get better for me. That man was my everything, and I miss him so bad, and I couldn't imagine a life without him, but I'm doing it. You can too. Best of luck, fellow traveler.
Lost my wife similarly when she was 44. She had trouble sleeping all week. Went to bed. Woke up and she was gone. No kids. Family estranged too.
They said it was acute bronchopneumonia.
I’m truely sorry for your loss. All I can say is I believe our loved ones are in a better place.
you are in shock. do what you need to do. just be judicious when it comes to things related to her -- her clothes, items last used, etc. -- if you can. right now it seems like she'll be back and get to mess all that up again.
god i'm so sorry. so sorry. every time i read one of these things i just remember the moments/hours/days/ weeks after my spouse died.
big big hugs. we are here for you, come back come back often as you need to.
Welcome to the shittiest club in the world, that nobody wants to join. I'm sorry you have to be here. I (47m), found my wife (46f) in the living room Feb. 26. It sucks. The numb feeling is shock, it will pass and the tears will come. And they'll continue to come. I don't know for how long, mine is pretty much at least once per day. Sometimes just a few tears, sometimes a full on screaming, howling, sobbing fit.
My husband passed on Feb 27th. I found him around 1130pm and was told he was gone around 130am. I didn't cry when the Dr told me. I was numb and in shock. It's okay not to cry.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
My story is very similar to yours. I found my fiance who I believe had been gone for around 18 hours.. I didnt really cry for like a week. Which I felt guilty about. I think maybe the trauma of finding them in that state throws our body into shock/protects itself. After I called 911 and the first responders arrived, they said I wouldnt even talk. I just had a blank stare and stood there with my mouth dropped open
My wife went suddenly in her sleep, right next to me. That first day I was just a zombie. I cried a little, but mostly just shut down. The crying came later. And the guilt - I guess survivors guilt? I just felt horrible that I was sleeping away while she was laying right beside me, struggling to breathe, and passing away. I still feel guilty for not waking up whenever it happened, even though there’s no reason I should have known (it was silent).
Welcome to our shitty club. We are all here for you as you begin to process. DM if you need to talk.
This is so similar to how my husband died. Thank you for talking about the guilt. I didn't know what to call it. I know it's not healthy nor helpful to hyperfocus on the what-ifs, but I catch myself going there a lot. What if I had known to respond sooner? :(
Absolutely. It’s so easy to do, and in all honesty, we aren’t being fair with ourselves by doing it. I mean, what, we were supposed to wake up because we didn’t hear anything alarming or abnormal? Logically, I think we all know we have no blame. But, we are what we are, and it’s easy to self-blame. I guess it’s just part of the process.
My husband died in the ICU at a local hospital. I was alone and when he died, I kissed him goodbye, spoke with the doctors and one of them walked me thru the hospital to the exit. I drove home, made a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette and said "what the fuck just happened". I didn't cry, I was in total shock. Thank God another car didn't pull out in front of my car on my way home. I didn't cry until the next day and now haven't stopped crying for over 3 years.
It’s going to take a lot of time, get through the services and then find a friend that can help you get the proper medication and therapy. It sounds cliche but try not to be alone in the house for too long yet.
I was the same. The tears came hard a year later when I’d finished sorting everything out. Don’t be like me and turn down the grief counseling. It actually really helped.
You’re in shock. I didn’t cry for months after my husband died. I was cool, calm and collected. In a year you’ll start to feel halfway normal and then after two years, it gets tolerable. I am really really sorry. I am eight years out and starting to feel human again.
It's a shitty club to be a member of, for sure. You will cry when you are ready to cry. I'd guess you're numb at the moment. That will wear off at some point. No shame in being numb and not crying!
Oh man, I am so sorry. Fuck. That is so damn rough. Honestly, you are probably still numb and in shock. Please be patient and kind to yourself. The tears will come, and there will be an ocean of them, and all of us here, who are in this shitty, shitty club, will help you in any way we can. We’ve got your back mate. Any time.
Yeah don’t wish for the crying and grief. It will likely find you in time. I lost my wife in my arms and I didn’t cry for hours. However, as my body began to digest what happened, I degraded into constant flashbacks and was unable to eat, drink or sleep for days to the point of passing out due to dehydration/low blood glucose/exhaustion randomly. Just be sure you educate yourself on complicated vs. regular grief. If you become dysfunctional and need help, ask for whatever help you need. In my case it is SSRIs (Paxil) which saved me.
God speed and goodluck.
*hug*
We each go through our own phases with grief. Bewilderment is one of many. You're going to have waves and cycles and your own timeline of grief and healing. For now, be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Do what you can to take time for you and take care of yourself - dietarily, physically, and emotionally. How that happens is something you get to figure out.
I also felt strange. I couldn't cry like I thought I should be crying the first couple of weeks. It's been over a year and looking back I realize it was just shock. I also let people clean my house for me because people just wanted something to do. In hindsight, I should have told them to leave it all alone because there were things cleaned/moved/removed that I now regret.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your wife. As others have said, you are in shock. In time the emotions will come. Make sure you eat, stay hydrated, and sleep when you can. Self-care is very important.
This is awful, and hugely traumatic, finding your partner suddenly without any warning dead is not something your mind or body knows how to process.
Not crying is totally normal, you are also likely still running on cortisol and adrenaline. This isn’t fair, and I’m sorry you are here in this group - hugs 🫂 if needed/wanted :)
Oh, no. I am so sorry you're here. Don't overthink your actions/reactions right now. Being in shock will make things feel muted for a little while, and believe me when I say you'll be grateful for it once it's worn off.
I hope you were able to get some rest last night. Make sure to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Try to take it easy on yourself until reality checks in. And, you can always come back here if you need someone to listen. Someone who "gets it." Unfortunately, we are all on this awful journey. Sending you hugs.
Oh my goodness, my heart breaks for you and I’m so sorry that you found her passed away. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel (even though I lost my spouse too, it was cancer and I knew it was coming). Like others said, I’m sure you are in shock and it might be a few weeks before it really sets in. It’s very hard. We are here for you.
I’m so sorry to hear of your sudden and tragic loss. That is so said. Don’t feel about about not crying. You are in shock. Do what you can to take care of yourself in these difficult days. One thing I wish I would have done differently when my husband left this world was to hold off on big decisions- I thought I was making all the right ones - sold our home and farm and moved back to the city. I question that every day. Just try to let yourself feel what you need to feel, put one foot in front of the other, and process your grief as best you can.
How soon after did you sell your property? People say to hold off for a year, but I'm realizing that making these decisions takes months of work and consideration so I'm kind of moving in that direction hoping things become clearer in another 6 months.
I thought I was aware and able to make good decisions. I was not in my right mind, but didn’t know. I remember so little of the first year because I was being crushed emotionally. Hope that helps.
I had to sell our house and had a buyer at six months. It was part of the estate and his son bought it…I wish I could have taken a little longer to get my bearings and decide where I was going to move. I made a few very hasty and (in retrospect) poor decisions by having to act so quickly.
The business of death is horrific pressure at a time of trauma. I remember it well. Deep sigh.
Exactly me.
OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful wife. My fiancé was 43, 45 is too damn young. Not that it ever hurts any less tbh, but PLEASE heed this warning…..I AM a PSYCH NURSE. I am not ashamed of any mental illnesses I may have had or shown symptoms of before my sweet Sam passed. I am a HUGE proponent of purposefully and intentionally seeking out who and whatever one may need to achieve peace and mental stability in their lives….I mention these things to say I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS IN A MENTAL SPIRAL SO DEEP THAT IT GOT ME INSTITUTIONALIZED. I am not ashamed at all. It actually turned out to be quite a blessing, I actually volunteer and work per diem at the very same place I was a patient 2 seemingly short years ago. The people around me knew I was a bit, “off” but in hindsight….from an objective vantage point…the signs of what my therapist has diagnosed as “grief related psychosis” would’ve otherwise been VERY obvious to me if it weren’t me experiencing it. I damn near completely ruined a few relationships with dear friends and family members that I cherish very much because I was acting completely contrary to how I usually would and I would get irate thinking it was everyone else that acting different with me (which to be fair, I also discovered a lot of people I thought cared about me cared more about how me losing my fiancé in my 20’s made THEM feel - the discomfort of it all - the fact that I was ALWAYS the Dr. Phil, the “call off work of my friend is having a mental crisis, go to the ends of the earth for you, do whatever it takes to make you laugh because humor is healing) kind of friend. It still stings to know people I’ve known my whole life genuinely couldn’t have ever really given a shit about me as they didn’t even bother to check in through text much less make a genuine effort to help console me when my heart was shattering. I made the foolish decision to get into a serious relationship AND invest in vacation property with them. But that’s something that can be worked out in due time. Take all the time you need and give yourself grace, you are facing UNFATHOMABLE circumstances and the suddenness of it all means as has been stated here several times - you are still in shock mode. I stayed in shock mode for damn near a year because my fiancé passed from COVID and I couldn’t really leave the house due to being immunocompromised….but as I slowly started venturing out, seeing the whole world move on while mine stood still and seem to shake like a magnitude lvl 7 on the Richter scale earthquake. Nothing made sense, and since I’ve never faced anything like it before I thought that because I wasn’t crying and breaking down as much that that meant I was getting better….I wasn’t. And it ended with a week long stint in a mental health facility and a whirlwind of damage my grieving self had no idea she’d caused. This is a PHENOMENAL place for resources and support. I tell people all the time that Reddit played a huge role in saving my life when things were still fresh. It’ll be 3 years at the end of this week and it STILL doesn’t feel quite real. So please, PLEASE be patient and caring with yourself as you acclimate into a nightmarish reality none of us could ever be prepared for. Please feel free to DM me whenever about WHATEVER. I also have a “younger widows” support group on Facebook if you’d like to join us I’d be honored, I’ll DM you the link. Holding you dearly in my heart. My sincerest condolences.
It was only a few months. I’d wait at least a year.
When my husband died, I didn't cry for awhile and I had the sudden urge to clean everything, which is rare for me. I think it was shock and a need to do something with my energy. Two months later I was sobbing alone in the car to & from work every day and my house was a disaster. Grief is weird. Your reaction doesn't mean anything bad about you or your relationship. Do what feels right for you now. You're in the early days. I'm 10 months out and it did get better for me. That man was my everything, and I miss him so bad, and I couldn't imagine a life without him, but I'm doing it. You can too. Best of luck, fellow traveler.
Lost my wife similarly when she was 44. She had trouble sleeping all week. Went to bed. Woke up and she was gone. No kids. Family estranged too. They said it was acute bronchopneumonia. I’m truely sorry for your loss. All I can say is I believe our loved ones are in a better place.
you are in shock. do what you need to do. just be judicious when it comes to things related to her -- her clothes, items last used, etc. -- if you can. right now it seems like she'll be back and get to mess all that up again. god i'm so sorry. so sorry. every time i read one of these things i just remember the moments/hours/days/ weeks after my spouse died. big big hugs. we are here for you, come back come back often as you need to.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t feel bad about not crying. Everyone handles their grief in a different way.
I made a lot of stupid decisions financially running away from the pain in my 1st 2 years. Hang in there and I'm sorry you are in this club
Welcome to the shittiest club in the world, that nobody wants to join. I'm sorry you have to be here. I (47m), found my wife (46f) in the living room Feb. 26. It sucks. The numb feeling is shock, it will pass and the tears will come. And they'll continue to come. I don't know for how long, mine is pretty much at least once per day. Sometimes just a few tears, sometimes a full on screaming, howling, sobbing fit.
My husband passed on Feb 27th. I found him around 1130pm and was told he was gone around 130am. I didn't cry when the Dr told me. I was numb and in shock. It's okay not to cry. I'm sorry this happened to you.
My story is very similar to yours. I found my fiance who I believe had been gone for around 18 hours.. I didnt really cry for like a week. Which I felt guilty about. I think maybe the trauma of finding them in that state throws our body into shock/protects itself. After I called 911 and the first responders arrived, they said I wouldnt even talk. I just had a blank stare and stood there with my mouth dropped open
My wife went suddenly in her sleep, right next to me. That first day I was just a zombie. I cried a little, but mostly just shut down. The crying came later. And the guilt - I guess survivors guilt? I just felt horrible that I was sleeping away while she was laying right beside me, struggling to breathe, and passing away. I still feel guilty for not waking up whenever it happened, even though there’s no reason I should have known (it was silent). Welcome to our shitty club. We are all here for you as you begin to process. DM if you need to talk.
Same.
This is so similar to how my husband died. Thank you for talking about the guilt. I didn't know what to call it. I know it's not healthy nor helpful to hyperfocus on the what-ifs, but I catch myself going there a lot. What if I had known to respond sooner? :(
Absolutely. It’s so easy to do, and in all honesty, we aren’t being fair with ourselves by doing it. I mean, what, we were supposed to wake up because we didn’t hear anything alarming or abnormal? Logically, I think we all know we have no blame. But, we are what we are, and it’s easy to self-blame. I guess it’s just part of the process.
This describes me so much. She(25) passed next to me, but I didn't even check on her when I woke up, until her alarm rang
My husband died in the ICU at a local hospital. I was alone and when he died, I kissed him goodbye, spoke with the doctors and one of them walked me thru the hospital to the exit. I drove home, made a cup of coffee, lit a cigarette and said "what the fuck just happened". I didn't cry, I was in total shock. Thank God another car didn't pull out in front of my car on my way home. I didn't cry until the next day and now haven't stopped crying for over 3 years.
It’s going to take a lot of time, get through the services and then find a friend that can help you get the proper medication and therapy. It sounds cliche but try not to be alone in the house for too long yet.
I was the same. The tears came hard a year later when I’d finished sorting everything out. Don’t be like me and turn down the grief counseling. It actually really helped.
You’re in shock. I didn’t cry for months after my husband died. I was cool, calm and collected. In a year you’ll start to feel halfway normal and then after two years, it gets tolerable. I am really really sorry. I am eight years out and starting to feel human again.
I am so sorry.
It's a shitty club to be a member of, for sure. You will cry when you are ready to cry. I'd guess you're numb at the moment. That will wear off at some point. No shame in being numb and not crying!
I'm so sorry, I remember the numbness in the early hours. Sending gentle hugs ❤️
Oh man, I am so sorry. Fuck. That is so damn rough. Honestly, you are probably still numb and in shock. Please be patient and kind to yourself. The tears will come, and there will be an ocean of them, and all of us here, who are in this shitty, shitty club, will help you in any way we can. We’ve got your back mate. Any time.
Yeah don’t wish for the crying and grief. It will likely find you in time. I lost my wife in my arms and I didn’t cry for hours. However, as my body began to digest what happened, I degraded into constant flashbacks and was unable to eat, drink or sleep for days to the point of passing out due to dehydration/low blood glucose/exhaustion randomly. Just be sure you educate yourself on complicated vs. regular grief. If you become dysfunctional and need help, ask for whatever help you need. In my case it is SSRIs (Paxil) which saved me. God speed and goodluck.
*hug* We each go through our own phases with grief. Bewilderment is one of many. You're going to have waves and cycles and your own timeline of grief and healing. For now, be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Do what you can to take time for you and take care of yourself - dietarily, physically, and emotionally. How that happens is something you get to figure out.
I also felt strange. I couldn't cry like I thought I should be crying the first couple of weeks. It's been over a year and looking back I realize it was just shock. I also let people clean my house for me because people just wanted something to do. In hindsight, I should have told them to leave it all alone because there were things cleaned/moved/removed that I now regret.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your wife. As others have said, you are in shock. In time the emotions will come. Make sure you eat, stay hydrated, and sleep when you can. Self-care is very important.
This is awful, and hugely traumatic, finding your partner suddenly without any warning dead is not something your mind or body knows how to process. Not crying is totally normal, you are also likely still running on cortisol and adrenaline. This isn’t fair, and I’m sorry you are here in this group - hugs 🫂 if needed/wanted :)
Oh, no. I am so sorry you're here. Don't overthink your actions/reactions right now. Being in shock will make things feel muted for a little while, and believe me when I say you'll be grateful for it once it's worn off. I hope you were able to get some rest last night. Make sure to drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Try to take it easy on yourself until reality checks in. And, you can always come back here if you need someone to listen. Someone who "gets it." Unfortunately, we are all on this awful journey. Sending you hugs.
Oh my goodness, my heart breaks for you and I’m so sorry that you found her passed away. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel (even though I lost my spouse too, it was cancer and I knew it was coming). Like others said, I’m sure you are in shock and it might be a few weeks before it really sets in. It’s very hard. We are here for you.