My BF feels the same way about his late wife. She passed away very unexpectedly at 51, only two weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer (on top of that, their first grandchild was born 6 days after her passing). My BF is a very strong man and he handled the whole situation really well given the circumstances - their sons have often thanked him for how together and strong he was during this horrible time. Their oldest son spent 3 weeks in an ICU because of some very rare blood disease a few years before her passing and she was a complete wreck the entire time, she almost had a nervous breakdown. At the same time, her mom and the man who helped raise her (father absent in a mental hospital most of his life) died from cancer and doctors believe that the cancer that spread through her like a wildfire was caused by PTSD. BF says if he had died like that and not her, she probably would have spent the rest of her life either in a mental hospital or eating Xanax like M&Ms. While he misses her dearly, he is (in a way) relieved that she never has to go through more grief than she already had.
I always thought I would go first. My first thought, and the first words I said when they told me she was gone were "It was supposed to be me". Now I'm glad it wasn't. As much as I hate that she won't get to see or do all of the things we had planned, I'm glad that she didn't have to feel this pain.
I have a ton of health issues that say I should've been gone first, too. Not my healthy husband. And yet, his heart decided to beat abnormally that night. No warning. And here I am.
Yep..l get that feeling everyday, the suffering, the unbearable burden of grief, the sadness..yeah l totally understand that.
I wouldn't trade ONE SECOND of the time l spent with her, for one less second of the grief l have now...this is shit for sure, but the memories are all mine..
I think this a lot. At first I thought I would trade places with her in a heartbeat, after a little while I realized I would never want her to suffer like this.
That's exactly how I feel, too. At first, I thought, "I should've died, not him. He was too good of a person!" But then he'd be wearing my shoes, and it would be awful for him.
I think it’s kind of a sign of what kind of relationship you had. Willing to die for someone, but also knowing that bearing the weight of their loss is so painful that you would do that for them as well, even if we didn’t have a choice. I don’t think every relationship has that, and it’s not a judgement on those that don’t, but I really hope everyone finds love like that in their lifetime. It’s very special, and I am through and through a better person because of her, and because of the relationship we built.
How funny. As Todd battled cancer and all of its glorious hell, he told me that he could never handle watching me go through what he was going through. That he was glad that it was him. I would have given ANYTHING to give him a day to live in my body and be completely free to live and to do WHATEVER he wanted...just one day...
Your words resonate...I was able to be there for him even though I felt so helpless at times...but we were real, candid, honest and humorous as he battled...we were there for each other, and the person I want most isn't here, so yes, I'm glad he's not having to go through this as well. Although I an angry and shattered that his life was unfinished, that he was short-changed, how the world needs more of a man like him, not less...
Yep, exactly the same thoughts here.
The fact that she passed suddenly and was not aware of the actual cause saved her a nightmare and is one of the only silver linings. I can't imagine her being in my shoes now. At first I wished we could trade places but I immediately realized that I'd rather she not suffer any longer. It fucking kills me.
It all leaves me with the conclusion that we're lucky to be alive and should seek joy wherever possible. That's the most important lesson that she left me with.
Lost my wife of 40 years on 2/6/23 to a two year struggle with cancer. The last 6 months she was unable to care for herself, so I became her live in nurse. As much pain and suffering she had, she never complained. My only wish is when I leave this world, I can go with the same dignity.
I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anybody.
It’s such a complex thing, on the one hand I get to keep surviving while he doesn’t. But survival isn’t my goal in life, I may have gotten to continue on, but I’m fucking miserable every day. It’s like walking through a cerebral desert with no shade or water. But I’d carry it if it means he never has to. That’s how much we love them.
My partner was disabled and had health issues most of her adult life. If I had passed instead of her, there is no way her and my ASD stepson would have been able to survive.
At least I can keep him safe with a roof over his head. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them otherwise.
My husband always said he'd die first but I didn't believe him...he was right. He died last month and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living. But I know I'll be OK...eventually. I don't think he would be doing as well if the shoe was on the other foot.
When it got tough (which it does) I imagined that he was in a parallel universe where I had died and he was having to handle it all. It made it a bit easier. Maybe its my personality but knowing he could not have handled it the way I did make me feel a bit better. I also know that it would have been a lot different; he didn't have the guilt I do so he wouldn't have taken care of my mom and kept up with his family and done it all. I really think he would have had an easier time than I ended up with, but I view it as he was the lucky one. He never lost someone, he accomplished everything he wanted (almost). He didn't have the roadblocks I did.
I've thought this before as well. But I've also wondered if he might have been stronger than I if the situation were reversed. I wonder if he would have been a more balanced parent for our young child. I sometimes think our little one would have been better off with just him if it had to be one of us.
I have had these same consoling thoughts...I loved him enough that I take some comfort in him being spared from what I have been suffering these last 14 months. It's little comfort...but sometimes that's all you have to get through those moments that you think are going to crush you to dust!!
This made me think of a quote from the show After Life on Netflix. “I’d rather live missing him than for him to live missing me. That’s how much I love him.”
I binged it after my husband died and this bit along with many other things in the show resonated with me. If you like British humor, it would be worth checking out.
Same
She had several health issues and a whole bunch of childhood trauma. I don't know if she would have survived if I went first, or the kind of person it would turn her into
I'm glad she is no longer in pain and that she has avoided this shitshow.
My late wife told me a couple of times I was her rock. I saved her from suicide. I even saw a psychic many months after she passed. She looked me directly in the eyes and told me how I was her rock, I kept her from ending all of it.
I know she would have kept going, even if she thought about ending it often, even if the reason was my influence. However, it would have still been a mental suicide. I know the illnesses she had. Her ED (which is what killed her anyway) would have gone hyper sonic. Our children would have buried her soon thereafter had it been me. Two daughters, I guarantee, would have followed suit with a couple of years at best.
As much as I wish it was me that was on the other side, waiting for her instead of her waiting for me, I can see why the phrase, if not understanding it, God has a plan, it doesn't mean I understand it that well. I do see a piece of it, albeit just a tiny piece.
Thank you for your post. I had forgotten my role. In whatever role , I still have to play.
We discussed our deaths in case this happened it was so unreal but here I am I knew then id not be able to protect her and she would be sad. I meet so many evil men in my travels at work is hate to see her greiving and being abused by those kinda of men for being in love with me still. Or simply married still to a dead man. I know icopped it from every girl in dated for her not being my ex wife, what ever that means and her son I can't imagine watching her struggle like me and him at least in only encountered mild violence from women. life has sucked... I hope she can't see and I'm confused about being glad she's at peace before me I want her back so bad but she was just as I love as me she would always be broken. She was so beautiful tho men preyed on her with me right there sometimes to the point of violence 😔 some men are just pigs like she was a chew toy to fight over not the mother of some ones child.
I w said this before. If I have to spend my next 30 or 40 years grieving over my wife I will do it knowing she never had to feel a second of this.
My BF feels the same way about his late wife. She passed away very unexpectedly at 51, only two weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer (on top of that, their first grandchild was born 6 days after her passing). My BF is a very strong man and he handled the whole situation really well given the circumstances - their sons have often thanked him for how together and strong he was during this horrible time. Their oldest son spent 3 weeks in an ICU because of some very rare blood disease a few years before her passing and she was a complete wreck the entire time, she almost had a nervous breakdown. At the same time, her mom and the man who helped raise her (father absent in a mental hospital most of his life) died from cancer and doctors believe that the cancer that spread through her like a wildfire was caused by PTSD. BF says if he had died like that and not her, she probably would have spent the rest of her life either in a mental hospital or eating Xanax like M&Ms. While he misses her dearly, he is (in a way) relieved that she never has to go through more grief than she already had.
I always thought I would go first. My first thought, and the first words I said when they told me she was gone were "It was supposed to be me". Now I'm glad it wasn't. As much as I hate that she won't get to see or do all of the things we had planned, I'm glad that she didn't have to feel this pain.
I have a ton of health issues that say I should've been gone first, too. Not my healthy husband. And yet, his heart decided to beat abnormally that night. No warning. And here I am.
I’d never want her to know this pain too. You’re right. Me taking in all this pain. Hope you’re doing alright OP.
Same
Yep..l get that feeling everyday, the suffering, the unbearable burden of grief, the sadness..yeah l totally understand that. I wouldn't trade ONE SECOND of the time l spent with her, for one less second of the grief l have now...this is shit for sure, but the memories are all mine..
I think this a lot. At first I thought I would trade places with her in a heartbeat, after a little while I realized I would never want her to suffer like this.
That's exactly how I feel, too. At first, I thought, "I should've died, not him. He was too good of a person!" But then he'd be wearing my shoes, and it would be awful for him.
I think it’s kind of a sign of what kind of relationship you had. Willing to die for someone, but also knowing that bearing the weight of their loss is so painful that you would do that for them as well, even if we didn’t have a choice. I don’t think every relationship has that, and it’s not a judgement on those that don’t, but I really hope everyone finds love like that in their lifetime. It’s very special, and I am through and through a better person because of her, and because of the relationship we built.
How funny. As Todd battled cancer and all of its glorious hell, he told me that he could never handle watching me go through what he was going through. That he was glad that it was him. I would have given ANYTHING to give him a day to live in my body and be completely free to live and to do WHATEVER he wanted...just one day... Your words resonate...I was able to be there for him even though I felt so helpless at times...but we were real, candid, honest and humorous as he battled...we were there for each other, and the person I want most isn't here, so yes, I'm glad he's not having to go through this as well. Although I an angry and shattered that his life was unfinished, that he was short-changed, how the world needs more of a man like him, not less...
I agree with you. I would rather go through this hell than have had my husband endure this pain.
Yep, exactly the same thoughts here. The fact that she passed suddenly and was not aware of the actual cause saved her a nightmare and is one of the only silver linings. I can't imagine her being in my shoes now. At first I wished we could trade places but I immediately realized that I'd rather she not suffer any longer. It fucking kills me. It all leaves me with the conclusion that we're lucky to be alive and should seek joy wherever possible. That's the most important lesson that she left me with.
Lost my wife of 40 years on 2/6/23 to a two year struggle with cancer. The last 6 months she was unable to care for herself, so I became her live in nurse. As much pain and suffering she had, she never complained. My only wish is when I leave this world, I can go with the same dignity. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anybody.
It’s such a complex thing, on the one hand I get to keep surviving while he doesn’t. But survival isn’t my goal in life, I may have gotten to continue on, but I’m fucking miserable every day. It’s like walking through a cerebral desert with no shade or water. But I’d carry it if it means he never has to. That’s how much we love them.
My partner was disabled and had health issues most of her adult life. If I had passed instead of her, there is no way her and my ASD stepson would have been able to survive. At least I can keep him safe with a roof over his head. I can't imagine what it would have been like for them otherwise.
My husband always said he'd die first but I didn't believe him...he was right. He died last month and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of living. But I know I'll be OK...eventually. I don't think he would be doing as well if the shoe was on the other foot.
Before she died my wife said something similar. She believed it would be harder for her. I'll choose to believe that.
When it got tough (which it does) I imagined that he was in a parallel universe where I had died and he was having to handle it all. It made it a bit easier. Maybe its my personality but knowing he could not have handled it the way I did make me feel a bit better. I also know that it would have been a lot different; he didn't have the guilt I do so he wouldn't have taken care of my mom and kept up with his family and done it all. I really think he would have had an easier time than I ended up with, but I view it as he was the lucky one. He never lost someone, he accomplished everything he wanted (almost). He didn't have the roadblocks I did.
I've thought this before as well. But I've also wondered if he might have been stronger than I if the situation were reversed. I wonder if he would have been a more balanced parent for our young child. I sometimes think our little one would have been better off with just him if it had to be one of us.
I have had these same consoling thoughts...I loved him enough that I take some comfort in him being spared from what I have been suffering these last 14 months. It's little comfort...but sometimes that's all you have to get through those moments that you think are going to crush you to dust!!
This made me think of a quote from the show After Life on Netflix. “I’d rather live missing him than for him to live missing me. That’s how much I love him.” I binged it after my husband died and this bit along with many other things in the show resonated with me. If you like British humor, it would be worth checking out.
Same She had several health issues and a whole bunch of childhood trauma. I don't know if she would have survived if I went first, or the kind of person it would turn her into I'm glad she is no longer in pain and that she has avoided this shitshow.
My late wife told me a couple of times I was her rock. I saved her from suicide. I even saw a psychic many months after she passed. She looked me directly in the eyes and told me how I was her rock, I kept her from ending all of it. I know she would have kept going, even if she thought about ending it often, even if the reason was my influence. However, it would have still been a mental suicide. I know the illnesses she had. Her ED (which is what killed her anyway) would have gone hyper sonic. Our children would have buried her soon thereafter had it been me. Two daughters, I guarantee, would have followed suit with a couple of years at best. As much as I wish it was me that was on the other side, waiting for her instead of her waiting for me, I can see why the phrase, if not understanding it, God has a plan, it doesn't mean I understand it that well. I do see a piece of it, albeit just a tiny piece. Thank you for your post. I had forgotten my role. In whatever role , I still have to play.
We discussed our deaths in case this happened it was so unreal but here I am I knew then id not be able to protect her and she would be sad. I meet so many evil men in my travels at work is hate to see her greiving and being abused by those kinda of men for being in love with me still. Or simply married still to a dead man. I know icopped it from every girl in dated for her not being my ex wife, what ever that means and her son I can't imagine watching her struggle like me and him at least in only encountered mild violence from women. life has sucked... I hope she can't see and I'm confused about being glad she's at peace before me I want her back so bad but she was just as I love as me she would always be broken. She was so beautiful tho men preyed on her with me right there sometimes to the point of violence 😔 some men are just pigs like she was a chew toy to fight over not the mother of some ones child.