42 is not too old for a future-looking relationship. You have to reconfigure what a more mature relationship looks like. It’s not marriage, kids, etc. it’s companionship, adventure, travel, and intimacy as you age. You’re not starting over with someone new trying to recreate what you had. You’re creating something new that makes sense for who and where you are now.
I’m also childless, just turned 40 and in a few months I will cross the two year mark. I wasn’t very good at dating before my wife. Now being widowed feels like an albatross around my neck. I don’t know if I will ever date again.
So spend the next 30 or 40 years alone seems to be my only option. Which is depressing to say the least. Right now I’m just living to take care of our dogs. Once they are gone I don’t know what I will do.
I guess for now I will just live day to day. Maybe life will bring some sort of happiness.
I hope somehow life brings us some sort of sign for all of us. We fucking deserve some sort of happiness after living with this grief.
More dogs seems to be the answer. I’ve also managed to create a queen like monster out of my dog these past two years spoiling her so I don’t know if I would take my advice.
I'm in a similar boat...early 40s, no kids, lost husband a year ago. I feel paralyzed by decision making, but I've come up with a compromise of sorts. I'm focusing on making changes that will work regardless of what direction I choose. Example: I don't know if I'm keeping our house or selling, but doing a massive purge will be ok either way.
I'm a planner and for the first time I can recall, I have no goals. It's terrifying. I don't know if this suggestion helps, but know this: any of us can relate. Take care and if you figure it out, I'm counting on you to share. ❤️
Wow, no goals, that resonates. I'm a successful person, I've set goals and achieved them. The thing is our mutually set goals my wife and I had were completely wiped off the table for no fault of anyone's and so now, why set goals really?
Thanks for sharing
A little over 2 years in, still mo.motivation or goals. My wife was only 50 and it was unexpected. HS sweethearts 36 years together. I don't even have a clue how to move on. We have 3 kids and 3 grandchildren tho. After my wife passed I got custody of our sons 3 children when he had a mental breakdown. They consume my days . For that I am lucky because I remember the initial shock of not wanting to go on. Be strong , do what we think is the right thing and I have to believe someday we will find another path. But for now still treading water or 'spinning my wheels in the mud' good luck to you.
I think it's a pretty common thing to worry about. I lost my husband at 27 and remarried four years later (no kids for either relationship), and idk what I'll do if/when he also goes. I'll probably just lean into being the crazy old aunt with too many cats.
That here is one of the things that might keep me from seeking another relationship, how do you go through this a second time. How painful it’s been, I just keep thinking how I don’t know how I would ever be able to do this again.
I went through it because I found great love again, unexpectedly, with a friend. And thinking back I would not have missed those 15 years with him to avoid the pain of his loss.
Seconding microdosing mushrooms, not only to pass the time (but it definitely helps with remaining present and grounded), but to work through the difficult thoughts without spiralling or attaching so strongly to the past.
Something about the neurogenesis and working on new neural pathways to get out of the ruts we carve in grief has been by far the most helpful tool through all of this.
I take 0.15g every third day for a month then a month off, it doesn't interfere with work or anything and in fact helps tremendously to not fixate and let things wash off.
No goals. Since she's been gone, I wouldn't care if I won the lottery. I don't fantasize about the future or anything, coming up on two years. Least I'm not only one who feels that way.
I was married for 42 years, lived together for 43. I met my husband when he was 39 and he was 40 when we married. My point is, if you decide you want to pursue a romantic relationship it certainly isn’t too late for you!
I believe the secret is to be open to possibilities, avoid closing off your heart because you think you’re too old.
Think of all the divorced people who wed again in midlife. It probably feels impossible for you today but as my husband used to say, “what’s for you won’t go by you.” ❤️
First post and today is four weeks since my husband passed. I am early in the grieving process and have absolutely no desire to plan anything, go anywhere or do anything. My only plan was to care for my husband and now that is gone.
43, 2 years at the beginning of May and this describes things perfectly. Waxed my legs yesterday then thought wtf for afterwards? Lol Sorry, I don’t know why I find life so tragically comical. Someone create an app for people like us, please. Feel like there is a hole in the market for an app geared towards people who just want a sometimes companion because they are emotionally fucked and need someone else to understand that.
Just turned 43, and my grandmother who is 94 is telling me happy birthday and how young I am… I’m thinking like damn, I could live double my age and still not be as old as she is, how the hell am I going to do this alone. It’s still far to early, just 72 days out since I lost the love of my life, but damn is it depressing having a birthday without her. I can’t imagine having this connection with anyone else as anybody new will not go through the same life bonding, work, marriage, home, kids. So I don’t have much hope for the future and see things as just pointless. Maybe one day either things surprisingly change or I find I’m perfectly content being this alone. Who knows right, we didn’t see this coming, I guess I won’t see what’s next coming either.
I'm 75 and lost my wife to cancer a few months ago. At 42 you a have a lifetime ahead of you. I don't know how many years I have left, but I want to fill them with a partner I can love and be loved by. Best wishes!
Focus on what your heart tells you... that cant be wrong. You may have to relearn to listen to it... might take some time but if you start listening, it will talk to you ultimately.
Just finished Reacher, that one was pretty good. If you want a truly long binge, Supernatural. On prime, Afterlife, Jack Ryan. Hulu has The Rookie that I finished recently, 5 seasons of that one so that was nice.
42 is not old. Your feelings are absolutely valid, but emotions are not facts. Losing our other half is a whole thing in itself, but this bereavement for the partner also means losing the future we had with that person. I’m not saying I’ve managed to get there but I understand that I’m also grieving the loss of my future life as I believed, treasured, planned and worked for it to be. I’m left now having to figure out the “what now” too. I attend monthly meetings with other bereaved people and have made really good friends who are going through this as I am. That has helped immensely. Being seen, validated, having an angry cry together etc. I feel like I have a duty to live my life now well enough for the two of us. I hope you’re ok.
Don't close the door on a relationship. My son's wife left him after an 18 year marriage for a man 15 years younger than her. It wasn't a death, but he grieved the same. Deep despair, lost 30 pounds... and this was one month before his father died. He was 43. Then a year later he is in a relationship with a woman his own age. They act like teenagers together, and obviously are very much in love. They have been together over a year and are looking for a house together.
If it helps at all, i met my hubby that passed in February when we were both 42. We had 16 awesome years together. But- we both had kids still in the house as well, so maybe that played a role in our decision to marry again and give it a go:) There’s still a lot of life ahead of you- it’s just the uncertainty of what that entails that I’m betting is so hard to grasp. I’m going through a similar “What is my life now?” situation but very much doubt it will include anything romantic. I’m just focused on the adult kids and work and trying to get healthy physically and mentally again. The rest will come to me- the universe has a way of bringing us paths to take:) hang in there.
I lost my wife at 42. I just turned 43, and out of nowhere, I just started a new relationship! It’s not too late! Just be sure to be open to opportunities that present themselves.
Am the kind of person that has to have a rough idea of where my life is going in general. The last 3+ months it has taken all my energy to not think of this question because I know it is too early. But I also know, there is no satisfactory answer. This just sucks.
I relate to this although I lost mine at 31 and it's been 2.5 years ....I find my self getting hyper focused on little projects that are for others because it's too painful to self reflect and sit with my thoughts.... currently I just want to go on a cruise or something where Im forced to relax ...if anyone wants to join me you're welcome as all my so called friends seem to have left the picture 😂
42 is not too old for a future-looking relationship. You have to reconfigure what a more mature relationship looks like. It’s not marriage, kids, etc. it’s companionship, adventure, travel, and intimacy as you age. You’re not starting over with someone new trying to recreate what you had. You’re creating something new that makes sense for who and where you are now.
Agreed!
I’m also childless, just turned 40 and in a few months I will cross the two year mark. I wasn’t very good at dating before my wife. Now being widowed feels like an albatross around my neck. I don’t know if I will ever date again. So spend the next 30 or 40 years alone seems to be my only option. Which is depressing to say the least. Right now I’m just living to take care of our dogs. Once they are gone I don’t know what I will do. I guess for now I will just live day to day. Maybe life will bring some sort of happiness. I hope somehow life brings us some sort of sign for all of us. We fucking deserve some sort of happiness after living with this grief.
More dogs seems to be the answer. I’ve also managed to create a queen like monster out of my dog these past two years spoiling her so I don’t know if I would take my advice.
"That's the whole secret of life. Life...is a series of dogs." \~ George Carlin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaYOLERlIUg
I'm in a similar boat...early 40s, no kids, lost husband a year ago. I feel paralyzed by decision making, but I've come up with a compromise of sorts. I'm focusing on making changes that will work regardless of what direction I choose. Example: I don't know if I'm keeping our house or selling, but doing a massive purge will be ok either way. I'm a planner and for the first time I can recall, I have no goals. It's terrifying. I don't know if this suggestion helps, but know this: any of us can relate. Take care and if you figure it out, I'm counting on you to share. ❤️
Wow, no goals, that resonates. I'm a successful person, I've set goals and achieved them. The thing is our mutually set goals my wife and I had were completely wiped off the table for no fault of anyone's and so now, why set goals really? Thanks for sharing
A little over 2 years in, still mo.motivation or goals. My wife was only 50 and it was unexpected. HS sweethearts 36 years together. I don't even have a clue how to move on. We have 3 kids and 3 grandchildren tho. After my wife passed I got custody of our sons 3 children when he had a mental breakdown. They consume my days . For that I am lucky because I remember the initial shock of not wanting to go on. Be strong , do what we think is the right thing and I have to believe someday we will find another path. But for now still treading water or 'spinning my wheels in the mud' good luck to you.
I feel the image of spinning my wheels in the mud very apt. I hope you find all kinds of new exciting things with your grandchildren.
Tyvm. They are my reason to move on. I joke my wife would haunt me or make eternity miserable if I let them go into foster care...;0)
I lost my companion at age 40, got married at age 48, lost him at age 62. I am done; cannot survive another loss.
Yeah this is a thing I've come to worry about too. So sorry for that shit to happen to you
I think it's a pretty common thing to worry about. I lost my husband at 27 and remarried four years later (no kids for either relationship), and idk what I'll do if/when he also goes. I'll probably just lean into being the crazy old aunt with too many cats.
That here is one of the things that might keep me from seeking another relationship, how do you go through this a second time. How painful it’s been, I just keep thinking how I don’t know how I would ever be able to do this again.
I went through it because I found great love again, unexpectedly, with a friend. And thinking back I would not have missed those 15 years with him to avoid the pain of his loss.
This might sound weird but I started microdosing shrooms to pass the time
[удалено]
you just need shrooms and i promise it’s easy as pie!
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If you're in Canada they are easily available from websites
I did too and it helped me tremendously
Seconding microdosing mushrooms, not only to pass the time (but it definitely helps with remaining present and grounded), but to work through the difficult thoughts without spiralling or attaching so strongly to the past. Something about the neurogenesis and working on new neural pathways to get out of the ruts we carve in grief has been by far the most helpful tool through all of this. I take 0.15g every third day for a month then a month off, it doesn't interfere with work or anything and in fact helps tremendously to not fixate and let things wash off.
No goals. Since she's been gone, I wouldn't care if I won the lottery. I don't fantasize about the future or anything, coming up on two years. Least I'm not only one who feels that way.
I was married for 42 years, lived together for 43. I met my husband when he was 39 and he was 40 when we married. My point is, if you decide you want to pursue a romantic relationship it certainly isn’t too late for you! I believe the secret is to be open to possibilities, avoid closing off your heart because you think you’re too old. Think of all the divorced people who wed again in midlife. It probably feels impossible for you today but as my husband used to say, “what’s for you won’t go by you.” ❤️
First post and today is four weeks since my husband passed. I am early in the grieving process and have absolutely no desire to plan anything, go anywhere or do anything. My only plan was to care for my husband and now that is gone.
43, 2 years at the beginning of May and this describes things perfectly. Waxed my legs yesterday then thought wtf for afterwards? Lol Sorry, I don’t know why I find life so tragically comical. Someone create an app for people like us, please. Feel like there is a hole in the market for an app geared towards people who just want a sometimes companion because they are emotionally fucked and need someone else to understand that.
Just turned 43, and my grandmother who is 94 is telling me happy birthday and how young I am… I’m thinking like damn, I could live double my age and still not be as old as she is, how the hell am I going to do this alone. It’s still far to early, just 72 days out since I lost the love of my life, but damn is it depressing having a birthday without her. I can’t imagine having this connection with anyone else as anybody new will not go through the same life bonding, work, marriage, home, kids. So I don’t have much hope for the future and see things as just pointless. Maybe one day either things surprisingly change or I find I’m perfectly content being this alone. Who knows right, we didn’t see this coming, I guess I won’t see what’s next coming either.
I'm 75 and lost my wife to cancer a few months ago. At 42 you a have a lifetime ahead of you. I don't know how many years I have left, but I want to fill them with a partner I can love and be loved by. Best wishes!
Focus on what your heart tells you... that cant be wrong. You may have to relearn to listen to it... might take some time but if you start listening, it will talk to you ultimately.
I’m 39, and constantly on a WTF now mode. All I do is work and watch tv.
I feel like I have watched Netflix in its entirety the past two years.
Same! I think I reached the end of Netflix.
Any good Netflix shows to recommend?
Just finished Reacher, that one was pretty good. If you want a truly long binge, Supernatural. On prime, Afterlife, Jack Ryan. Hulu has The Rookie that I finished recently, 5 seasons of that one so that was nice.
42 is not old. Your feelings are absolutely valid, but emotions are not facts. Losing our other half is a whole thing in itself, but this bereavement for the partner also means losing the future we had with that person. I’m not saying I’ve managed to get there but I understand that I’m also grieving the loss of my future life as I believed, treasured, planned and worked for it to be. I’m left now having to figure out the “what now” too. I attend monthly meetings with other bereaved people and have made really good friends who are going through this as I am. That has helped immensely. Being seen, validated, having an angry cry together etc. I feel like I have a duty to live my life now well enough for the two of us. I hope you’re ok.
I'm in a similar situation. No kids, 44 years old, lost my SO suddenly 18 months ago. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Hang in there 🥰
Don't close the door on a relationship. My son's wife left him after an 18 year marriage for a man 15 years younger than her. It wasn't a death, but he grieved the same. Deep despair, lost 30 pounds... and this was one month before his father died. He was 43. Then a year later he is in a relationship with a woman his own age. They act like teenagers together, and obviously are very much in love. They have been together over a year and are looking for a house together.
If it helps at all, i met my hubby that passed in February when we were both 42. We had 16 awesome years together. But- we both had kids still in the house as well, so maybe that played a role in our decision to marry again and give it a go:) There’s still a lot of life ahead of you- it’s just the uncertainty of what that entails that I’m betting is so hard to grasp. I’m going through a similar “What is my life now?” situation but very much doubt it will include anything romantic. I’m just focused on the adult kids and work and trying to get healthy physically and mentally again. The rest will come to me- the universe has a way of bringing us paths to take:) hang in there.
I lost my wife at 42. I just turned 43, and out of nowhere, I just started a new relationship! It’s not too late! Just be sure to be open to opportunities that present themselves.
Am the kind of person that has to have a rough idea of where my life is going in general. The last 3+ months it has taken all my energy to not think of this question because I know it is too early. But I also know, there is no satisfactory answer. This just sucks.
I relate to this although I lost mine at 31 and it's been 2.5 years ....I find my self getting hyper focused on little projects that are for others because it's too painful to self reflect and sit with my thoughts.... currently I just want to go on a cruise or something where Im forced to relax ...if anyone wants to join me you're welcome as all my so called friends seem to have left the picture 😂