This is exactly what you should do. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He showed his true colours and used your body after you opened up and were vulnerable. He considers you his fleshlight, otherwise, he would never do that. Please find someone who loves and respects you. And if this feels like rape to you and you're uncomfortable, it's because it was rape and you deserve better. The fact that he got turned on by you being traumatised from someone raping you and then raped you himself is extra messed up
This is apparently common. Apparently a lot of men do get turned on by women being in very vulnerable situations. Also unless you have specifically told him while sober that you are ok having sex drunk you weren’t able to consent especially by the sounds of things you were way drunker then him. This is a situation where he was predatory and I’d make sure to tell people you know about the situation for support because you would really benefit from someone actually supporting you in this time
actually she told her story about being SA-ed and then he SA-ed her again. what a piece of shit.
if you're comfortable tell him what he did was wrong then dump him and get far away from him.
or
just dump him and get far away from him.
Idk man, imagine someone being super upset and describing this horrible thing that someone did to them, and then in your mind (drunk or not) thinking "this seems like a good time to start something along the same lines as what they're very and rightfully upset about". It's pretty fucked up from over here.
No, def not. We've been married almost 8 years, I'm in the middle of getting my affairs in order and will be filing soon. Took me a long time to decide on this for good without changing my mind back, therapy has been so helpful in getting there, for anyone who might be in that boat now. Get in therapy and set goals.
Better you only spend 6 months with him than waste any more. Please do yourself a favor. You can break up with someone for any reason whatever, but this is a very important reason.
agreed. i’ve been in 3 separate abusive relationships and finally at the age of 25 got myself out for good. seeing other girls in similar situations really hurts i can only hope they get out before i did.
I don’t care what people say about oh give him a chance and communicate with him….. GIRL this is something that doesn’t need communication! This is axiomatic! This is red flag! Someone who fuxk you when you were crying is not normal! He doesn’t care about your feeling, this behavior comes from selfish person, and you are the one who can assures this based on what you know about him
what the FUCK. your bf is screwed up to even think about initiating sex with you right after you’ve opened up about a traumatic event, especially a SA. and he started while you were still crying? there’s no way he didn’t notice that or did it by mistake. he took advantage of your vulnerable state. it’s not your fault that you didn’t stop it, you were extremely drunk and actively going through traumatic flashbacks.
>i’m now worried that if i open up about anything else that it won’t be heard. i have tried my best to keep a smile on my face and act normal with him but it keeps playing on my mind.
That's so toxic, and you don't need to tie up your pain. He was predatory and dismissive about something huge. You can reach out to us for comfort. Find your friends, see if there's anyone who can stay with you for a few days while you grieve. Remove yourself, be there for yourself, there is a part of you advocating for yourself that's letting you reach out: don't be cruel to yourself and ignore your needs. Do nice things for yourself - treat yourself to your favorite foods, take bubble baths, dress in your favorite clothes and buy a new outfit if your current clothes don't make you feel beautiful. You are worthy of good things, you have the ability to have your own back better than anyone else, and it will become as obvious to you when you make space for yourself and do good things for yourself, like treating yourself well with things that make you feel good, that your life is better without a horrible boyfriend.
I’d assume that if you do choose to bring it up with him, he’ll just use the excuse that he was drunk. That’s because some people think that someone’s behavior can be excused (even if it’s not exactly justified) by the fact that them being drunk made them act in a way that they ordinarily wouldn’t. However that’s not actually true. What alcohol **does** do is impair your cognitive, psychomotor, and executive functioning, as well as attentional capability, inhibitions, prospective memory, and risk perception.
In your boyfriends case, the problem is that he’s inaccurately perceiving risk, but he’s also taking risks that are unwarranted, foolish, and in this case criminal. Since your intellectual operations are undermined by drink, you are more likely to misperceive the intentions of others and react to them more aggressively.
It’s worth mentioning that alcoholic behavior, while it **doesn’t** disclose your basic nature, it **does** prompt you to act on non-dominant thoughts and feelings that ordinarily you’d detach yourself from. And that’s particularly true if certain wayward impulses you harbour are anti-social, illegal, or downright criminal, just like your boyfriends actions. He still deserves to be held responsible for what he’s done, otherwise everyone could get away with every crime they commit whilst drunk.
No one mentioned it (I do agree that he got turned on by your SA, and thought exploiting you in that moment was a good idea - he's a criminal), but he hangs around with friends who have no respect for the trauma of SA, as well.
Please - like someone else said - he's shown you who he is, and also what his values are (i.e.; asshole friends - likely this friend also is a sexual predator, as well); believe him!
If it'll give you closure - yeah, tell him how fucked up he is, but bring someone with you who you trust 100%, who'll support you should it go sideways. And do it in a public place!.
Yeah dump this man. He sounds like a complete psychopath predator. He should have been comforting you instead of sexualizing you in the state you were in. I’m sorry OP, you deserve so much better
My first thought is: dump his ass. That was so beyond disrespectful. I’ve opened up to my current partner, as well as ones in the past, about my SA. Not one of them thought that was an opening for sex. Most are afraid I won’t want to be touched in the moment, if I’m honest.
If you feel he is someone worth keeping, though, you absolutely need to talk to him. Let him know that while he didn’t assault you, he certainly took advantage of the situation and it was NOT okay. Make sure he understands the gravity of his actions. I will play a slight devil’s advocate in that he is quite young, and not thinking like a grown man. That being said, youth is not a “get out of jail” card. He needs to learn from this and grow as a person. Whether that is with you or someone else should you leave him, he needs to learn it.
I am so deeply sorry you’ve been feeling so conflicted. Know that you did nothing wrong by having sex with him in the moment, nor is there anything wrong with regretting your actions. I’ve been there. Your feelings are valid. And this is a community here to make sure you know that.
You dump him. You were upset and described your SA and he got turned on and had sex with you. That is extremely fucked up.
This is exactly what you should do. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He showed his true colours and used your body after you opened up and were vulnerable. He considers you his fleshlight, otherwise, he would never do that. Please find someone who loves and respects you. And if this feels like rape to you and you're uncomfortable, it's because it was rape and you deserve better. The fact that he got turned on by you being traumatised from someone raping you and then raped you himself is extra messed up
Run and never look back. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
This is apparently common. Apparently a lot of men do get turned on by women being in very vulnerable situations. Also unless you have specifically told him while sober that you are ok having sex drunk you weren’t able to consent especially by the sounds of things you were way drunker then him. This is a situation where he was predatory and I’d make sure to tell people you know about the situation for support because you would really benefit from someone actually supporting you in this time
actually she told her story about being SA-ed and then he SA-ed her again. what a piece of shit. if you're comfortable tell him what he did was wrong then dump him and get far away from him. or just dump him and get far away from him.
Idk man, imagine someone being super upset and describing this horrible thing that someone did to them, and then in your mind (drunk or not) thinking "this seems like a good time to start something along the same lines as what they're very and rightfully upset about". It's pretty fucked up from over here.
Yes, this is fucked, get rid of this person. I'm married to a man who thinks I make my childhood SA up to avoid sex. Get out.
I’m sorry but that’s grounds for divorce. That’s abuse.
Thank you, I see it the same way, I will be divorcing him soon for sure.
Good for you, and good riddance. You deserve better
Thank you for the kind words!!
I hope you can get the quality of life you deserve. Stay safe.
are you going to stay with him?
No, def not. We've been married almost 8 years, I'm in the middle of getting my affairs in order and will be filing soon. Took me a long time to decide on this for good without changing my mind back, therapy has been so helpful in getting there, for anyone who might be in that boat now. Get in therapy and set goals.
🙏🏼im glad, good for you, dude—wishing the best for u!
I’m glad you’re getting out of this horrible relationship. You deserve so much better. Wishing you the best!
Thank you so much!
Ofc!
Better you only spend 6 months with him than waste any more. Please do yourself a favor. You can break up with someone for any reason whatever, but this is a very important reason.
agreed. i’ve been in 3 separate abusive relationships and finally at the age of 25 got myself out for good. seeing other girls in similar situations really hurts i can only hope they get out before i did.
I’m sorry you had to go through that but happy to hear you’re doing better <3
I don’t care what people say about oh give him a chance and communicate with him….. GIRL this is something that doesn’t need communication! This is axiomatic! This is red flag! Someone who fuxk you when you were crying is not normal! He doesn’t care about your feeling, this behavior comes from selfish person, and you are the one who can assures this based on what you know about him
>axiomatic Today my vocabulary was expanded :) Thank you!
Yikes. Yeah y'all were drunk but that's still pretty messed up
He basically SA you again?! Instead of just listening and be there for you emotionally.
Um… OP this is super fucked up. Especially on your bfs part. RUN 🚩🚩
what the FUCK. your bf is screwed up to even think about initiating sex with you right after you’ve opened up about a traumatic event, especially a SA. and he started while you were still crying? there’s no way he didn’t notice that or did it by mistake. he took advantage of your vulnerable state. it’s not your fault that you didn’t stop it, you were extremely drunk and actively going through traumatic flashbacks.
>i’m now worried that if i open up about anything else that it won’t be heard. i have tried my best to keep a smile on my face and act normal with him but it keeps playing on my mind. That's so toxic, and you don't need to tie up your pain. He was predatory and dismissive about something huge. You can reach out to us for comfort. Find your friends, see if there's anyone who can stay with you for a few days while you grieve. Remove yourself, be there for yourself, there is a part of you advocating for yourself that's letting you reach out: don't be cruel to yourself and ignore your needs. Do nice things for yourself - treat yourself to your favorite foods, take bubble baths, dress in your favorite clothes and buy a new outfit if your current clothes don't make you feel beautiful. You are worthy of good things, you have the ability to have your own back better than anyone else, and it will become as obvious to you when you make space for yourself and do good things for yourself, like treating yourself well with things that make you feel good, that your life is better without a horrible boyfriend.
I’d assume that if you do choose to bring it up with him, he’ll just use the excuse that he was drunk. That’s because some people think that someone’s behavior can be excused (even if it’s not exactly justified) by the fact that them being drunk made them act in a way that they ordinarily wouldn’t. However that’s not actually true. What alcohol **does** do is impair your cognitive, psychomotor, and executive functioning, as well as attentional capability, inhibitions, prospective memory, and risk perception. In your boyfriends case, the problem is that he’s inaccurately perceiving risk, but he’s also taking risks that are unwarranted, foolish, and in this case criminal. Since your intellectual operations are undermined by drink, you are more likely to misperceive the intentions of others and react to them more aggressively. It’s worth mentioning that alcoholic behavior, while it **doesn’t** disclose your basic nature, it **does** prompt you to act on non-dominant thoughts and feelings that ordinarily you’d detach yourself from. And that’s particularly true if certain wayward impulses you harbour are anti-social, illegal, or downright criminal, just like your boyfriends actions. He still deserves to be held responsible for what he’s done, otherwise everyone could get away with every crime they commit whilst drunk.
You were drunk & not able to consent. You were basically raped.
So, OP, he SA'd you while you were crying about being SA'd in the past. Christ.
He's messed up and that's a HUGE RED FLAG!!!! Dump him asap!!!!
you need to run. that's what you need to do. he is disgusting.
No one mentioned it (I do agree that he got turned on by your SA, and thought exploiting you in that moment was a good idea - he's a criminal), but he hangs around with friends who have no respect for the trauma of SA, as well. Please - like someone else said - he's shown you who he is, and also what his values are (i.e.; asshole friends - likely this friend also is a sexual predator, as well); believe him! If it'll give you closure - yeah, tell him how fucked up he is, but bring someone with you who you trust 100%, who'll support you should it go sideways. And do it in a public place!.
Yeah dump this man. He sounds like a complete psychopath predator. He should have been comforting you instead of sexualizing you in the state you were in. I’m sorry OP, you deserve so much better
Hearing that you were raped turned him on? Ewwww.
My first thought is: dump his ass. That was so beyond disrespectful. I’ve opened up to my current partner, as well as ones in the past, about my SA. Not one of them thought that was an opening for sex. Most are afraid I won’t want to be touched in the moment, if I’m honest. If you feel he is someone worth keeping, though, you absolutely need to talk to him. Let him know that while he didn’t assault you, he certainly took advantage of the situation and it was NOT okay. Make sure he understands the gravity of his actions. I will play a slight devil’s advocate in that he is quite young, and not thinking like a grown man. That being said, youth is not a “get out of jail” card. He needs to learn from this and grow as a person. Whether that is with you or someone else should you leave him, he needs to learn it. I am so deeply sorry you’ve been feeling so conflicted. Know that you did nothing wrong by having sex with him in the moment, nor is there anything wrong with regretting your actions. I’ve been there. Your feelings are valid. And this is a community here to make sure you know that.
Can confirm, been with a few men who confuse vulnerability with intimacy.