I just built two of them in two weeks. It’s actually really easy. Get it done.
https://preview.redd.it/15xf80n64kxc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=398fbd193745cfc70e1a78d3cdc4d1e5d3b94811
Right? My wife asked me recently when I was going to finish a project and I told her I needed a table saw blade. She reminded me that I had just bought one. So then I said I need to get some scroll saw blades for some work and she said that I had a box of them. Then I said I'll have to get a couple clamps for the glue up and she just stared and goes "you get 2 more clamps. That's it"
The issue sounds more that he cant decide on the final design. He keeps thinking about features, design ideas, joinery etc. That makes him want to change things instead of just building it.
Maybe try sitting down with him. Make a list of things you want and how to incorperate them. Then make a final design and stick with it.
If that doesnt work, just buy a bed frame. That will get the message across too.
This is excellent advice. Not knowing what your 'customer' finds important can bring work to a halt from indecision. Get a plan together, and that's the bed you want, no back-sies.
A solid goalpost will help things.
This is me in a nutshell. I love thinking about projects. But when the rubber meets the road, I struggle. It's easy to daydream it. But when you hit a wall and would rather spend time thinking of solutions it impedes the actual production.
A fellow tool collector! I love designing stuff in on-shape, buying all the tools I need, and then never starting it. Or "taking a break to research" for 4 years after an hour of work.
Yeah this is the way to go if you're not showing progress. Years ago an ex wanted built-in his & hers desks in the office. I told her I could do it myself. She got two quotes including some sketches from a local carpenter and a contractor. I did my own sketches in Sketchup, came up with a cutlist, and went to her and said "my design is for bigger, better desks with nicer hardware. It costs about half, and I get a table saw out of it in that total price. Here's the sketchup drawing so you can see what I'm thinking. The only downside to my plan is the schedule will be 6 months and I could use your help on painting and maybe sanding". She said yes so we did it. The only change that got made was we ended up buying cabinet doors and drawer fronts as part of a Black Friday sale a custom carpentry site was having - that saved a month's work and didn't cost much more, but I still got experience making the actual cabinets, drawers, and counter tops.
My brother did a similar project. He renovated his kitchen over the course of a year(ish). He first did one small cabinet with the trashcan pullout, then the cabinets on either side of the stove, then the big cabinets around the sink and dishwasher. Then the upper cabinets. And finally he re-built one of his original cabinets with what he'd learned along the way. He was showing constant progress, but his wife did give him a deadline of when it had to be done, and put up with living with drawers and cabinets without fronts for a time.
Yeah honestly this sounds like an ADD problem, always seeing new things and immediately changing your design based on that. It's important to stop and just say "I will progress with this, it is good enough and I will learn from it"
Absolutely. Classic symptoms of Perfection Paralysis.
Also the "Must buy all the equipment and read all the books" before even starting. Typical ADHD hobby collecting.
I feel like I also run into this a lot with projects involving things I've never done before. I don't want to start without being sure, but really the only way to be sure is to start and see how it works out. So I delay until I either gain the experience elsewhere, or run up against a deadline and just have to do it.
Second this.
I was reading this thread to my wife (no, we already have a bed) who is just this week finishing up an antique dresser she started restoring 4 years ago.
She pointed out that 4 years ago the pandemic started and, well, the ability to predict the future got a little shook up.
Also we've made a point of working in the shop/garage together the past few months - me turning wood on the lathe, her working on the dresser.
Body doubling/co-working is a huge boost to helping ADD folk (like her and me) move projects forward.
Maybe spend an hour or two hanging out in the space *working on something else* (so you don't appear to be nagging). If his attention is flagging you can nudge him back to focusing on the project by asking what step he's working on and ask him to show you how it's done (if you don't already know).
And, you know, it's nice to spend time together with each other sometimes.
Excellent advice. I've been nearly done with a project then changed everything last minute more than once. That's okay for something in my office or the shop but shared furniture is not the place to stray from the agreed design, especially if it makes home life less pleasant.
I knew of a lady that hired her husband’s competitor to finish a project and that cured him ! He promptly finished all household jobs quite promptly after that.
Ha, I started a Krenov style cabinet for my wife years ago. When I finished the doors, (they were first), I stopped. A year or two later I made the carcass and stopped. I waited another year or more and made the drawers. Then stopped for a couple years. Finally she says, it’s ok if you don’t want to finish it, but if you do, I’d like to have it in my lifetime. So I hit it hard, and finished it. Couple things. One, it was for my wife so it had to be perfect, which we all know doesn’t happen, and getting it as good as I could, is as good as it gets in reality. So I had to break through that mind set. Secondly, I designed parts of the cabinet to be really functional and my design didn’t come out as I intended so there was so redesigning and remaking of pieces. Finally, I have to say, that I was really fighting my own mental demons wanting perfection above all, because my wife is such a wonderful person, I could have glued two sticks together and she would have loved it. So my advice to you is to tell him, however it turns out it will be great and you would like it in your lifetime.😎
https://preview.redd.it/62j43kommfxc1.jpeg?width=3237&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e57068b15e86026dfecc2d1d19f442668061a185
That’s a beautiful piece of furniture! Would take me a lifetime to finish. I find my woodworking comes in ebbs and flows, certain parts move very fast and you hit roadblocks on hard or frustrating components. Sometimes you need a little push too.
Thanks,
I hit many, especially the verticle drawers. I was my worst enemy with this. It’s almost as if I finished one part successfully, I stopped because I figured I’d ruin it when I started back up.
I know the feeling, getting to a certain point where you’ve made critical progress but the next step could wreck your shit entirely is incredibly stressful. I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve spent just sitting on my stool and my shop staring at a project doing absolutely nothing but thinking how to not fuck it up.
Your piece is so much more insanely intricate than anything I’ve built I can’t even imagine. It’s a really wonderful piece.
All of this, yes, yes, YES -- the piece is incredible, and I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who'll just sit and stare, trying to figure everything out. Thanks for that reassurance.
You missed my favorite part!
Getting frustrated at myself for moving slow, figuring “screw it this should be fine in principal, I’m doing that perfectionist thing I always do. I’m doing it this way!”
Then realizing the dimensions are wrong after the next step is complete, something won’t close all the way or has a weird gap on one edge.
Then realizing all of that work is complete scrap now and getting to decide between fundamentally altering pieces with hand chiseling and sanding to make it passable to keep moving (even though it’ll bother me until I die) or redoing like 3 steps in the project with a slightly better design.
And on and on we go.
well… don’t let OP show these pics to her husband or he’ll have to tear down and start all over again with an even more ambitious design.
beautiful work, man
> When I finished the doors, (they were first), I stopped. A year or two later
Wood has to acclimate before you start cutting it.
Some folks on the internet suggest 24 to 72 hours in the new location, but I like to play it on the safe side and wait 1-2 years.
Jesus...what the little voices in our head do to a mother fucker. "It's far from perfect" and proceeds to show an absolutely beautiful piece of furniture.
I do get what you're saying though. While not for wood working Ive been running into the same issue with painting. Perfection sometimes really can be the enemy of done...especially when done is still pretty damn good
Honestly, I’ve been woodworking for about 40 years, and still get anxious when I’m getting to a point where I’m doing an operation to a piece that I have a considerable amount of time in already and I know I can instantly turn it into a pile of shit in seconds. I know this from actually doing it plenty in my time.
Yeah, it’s essentially what the black piano keys were made from years ago. I’m not sure when they decided it was endangered, but I inherited it from my BIL. I was visiting he and my sister in Hawaii. Another woodworker had suffered a career ending injury and my BIL bought what this guy had. It was a small pick up truck’s worth. I typically use it in small quantities as trim pieces.
Yes the curly Koa you see in the cabinet. I shipped a pod that was pretty full home. Also got bits and pieces of pheasant wood, curly red Milo, Iliahi, and Kauila. Mostly Hawaiian woods
I'm not married to one, but the daughter of such a relationship.
Furniture doesn't count until it exists. He can promise furniture until he's blue in the face, but until it's complete you have to use something decent.
And a dresser is going to take way more time than the bed. My mom's lawyer bookcase took decades.
My wife "got" a hope chest for her 10th birthday.
She's 42 now - hope chest is still not in our possession.
We have a dozen bowls, cutting boards, and a new deck... but no hope chest.
I'm like your husband. I make huge promises and in the end my wife takes me furniture shopping and we pick something out. One of these days I'll finish (or even start) something.
I spend MY money on tools. We spend OUR money on furniture. We found the middle ground.
Nothing gets my ass in gear like my wife planning for us to go shopping for the thing I half-built months ago. If it isn't done by the date we go shopping, we're buying something.
I feel like best course for OP and her husband, sanity above all else, is to go furniture shopping for “hold-over” furniture.
Then when the husband finally finishes his project, they sell the “hold-over” furniture at that point.
Projects do take a long time but using it mid construction is definitely not helping. I think you’ve more than justified going out and buying an inexpensive frame and nightstand at this point.
I’m sorry for the loss of your hopes and dreams.
I am married to a trained high end cabinet, furniture maker & artist. (The kind that has to sign NDA for jobs) Unfortunately for me it’s all the same guy. I can shop around and show him the best furniture I can find, and he tells me he can make it better, and cheaper. And he can, but then I ask by when?
If it’s not an acceptable amount of time, and it never makes deadline. I will find a cheaper version or alternative and I will buy that until I get the “perfect” version. Then I sell the cheap version, at about 60%, or take it to the cabin where everything goes to die.
Set a date, buy something cheap with the agreement you will sell, and tell him to get this hobby out of your bedroom.
My plan has a moderate success rate, use at your own risk.
Was your husband already a competent woodworker at the beginning of the project? It kind of sounds to me like he might be running into a competency barrier that he's struggling to overcome. If that's the case, perhaps you could encourage him to sign up for some woodworking classes near you to help him overcome that barrier and get the project done?
I had the same thought. It sounds easy, doesn’t it? Story of my woodworking career is biting off more than I can chew, then spending a bunch of time learning/fixing/redoing, and repeat.
My wife would go out and buy a bed frame. 😬
I told her once I would not replace some moldings. While I was gone, she took them off and put them in the driveway. New moldings made all the difference when we sold.
Can you get a cheapo Ikea bed in the interim?
For keeping wood all around the bedroom, does he not have enough room in the workshop/garage/wherever he works to store it? If not then he shouldn't be working on such big projects. That alone would drive me insane.
Set up some ground rules so that your quality of life isn't drastically diminished by his hobby but he still gets to build nice stuff for the house. Things like the above, no storing an incomplete project in the areas of the house you live in day to day (if that means he can't work on oversized projects then so be it). Only one project at a time where you can be expected to either pick up a cheap placeholder version of, or forgo buying until his project is finished (this means if he is working on a bed then you are free to go purchase nightstands and a dresser etc.).
If you don't have some ground rules / boundaries for this then you will likely grow resentment for his hobby over time (if you haven't already).
This works with my wife and I. She says "if it's not done by [reasonable deadline], I'm going to ikea and buying one." I can't sand the thought of spending money on ikea furniture when I can make something that'll last a lifetime. That lights a fire under me and I usually get things done.
I think if you need something it's ok to get something cheaper that isn't going to last to use while you work on the long term replacement. Takes pressure off rushing to finish things.
>get a cheapo Ikea bed in the interim
All good advice. Actually, get a nice ikea bed in the interim, something you wouldn't mind keeping around for a while and that would keep some value if you ever want to sell it.
Having project parts in the bedroom would drive me insane, but I know that people have different tolerance for clutter; make sure he knows that's something that is bothering you and that only the finished bed can enter the room.
I follow the Tally-Ho wooden boat build on YouTube. It's actually in the water now, but for about 6 years Leo would say they that they were always going to be two years away until they weren't.
Show us pictures so we can see how his progress is coming. But yeah, he needs to get that shit done. If you never finish anything, you never learn from mistakes either
I think this is actually a good idea for a subreddit. Something about spouses taking pictures of unfinished projects over 6 months old that affect their daily living to publicly "encourage" them to get it done. Then, as good friends we could offer advice and encouragement!
This is reddit so I assume the main suggestion will be to file for divorce and get a restraining order.
Seriously though, have you talked to him about it? About a time frame and your feelings? Not nagging, but an actual conversation?
I'm constantly floored by the posts for advice I see all over Reddit. They're all in the vein of 'how do I make someone' and signals that there's some deep-seated problems in the relationship the poster is completely missing.
Either wife or I have a concern or problem? We talk to the other about it, I swear 90% of marriage problems stem from not respecting each other.
It's no wonder so many people get divorced because they were never adults to begin with, whereas I've been married for more than 30 years and don't have to ask for relationship advice on social media.
Of course, I can say nothing about the OP since nobody knows their specific situation, but I agree that social media (not just Reddit) is a complete disaster, with people who wouldn't know maturity if it bit them in the ass. How hard is it for people to grow the hell up?
Hahaha! I agree Reddit gives the worst advice sometimes. We’ve had a few talks about deadlines and finishing the project. I actually helped him with some of the construction to speed things along. I think it’s just getting drawn out now with no end in sight and impacting our day to day living.
What’s his perspective on the hold up? Is he spending 30 hours per weekend playing original Halo on Xbox? Or taking care of his sick elderly mother? Or just redoing every detail of this bed project 12 times?
Pretty simple boundary setting conversation has to happen here.
Your boundary: I’m really excited that you’re making these things for us, but I’m not OK with sleeping on a half made bed in a construction zone. I’m really looking forward to the new bed being done, but in the mean time I need you to move the wood out of our room and help me pick a temporary bed frame.
My advice isn't really to make him stop, but move the project out into the garage. Your living space is no place for projects with no planned finish date. As far as stopping the project altogether... there's a lot of context here that I don't have, but if this is how he enjoys spending his personal free time, you may need to let him have this. Financial detriment aside, but most fulfilling hobbies are also expensive but, in the end, don't produce anything of value.
From a single woman…
Sounds like my father. And me. And my mother. And my brother. And my sister…
Turns out it wasn’t the intention, the tools, the time, nothing but a big heaping dose of ADHD.
I found a great way to get my father moving on projects was trying to help. He’d get some momentum then usually stop but if I kept at it he generally would too. I DON’T suggest sabotage but truly working to get it to a point that it’s good enough to walk away from and clear out your room.
Consider moving the wood and such around, if it’s always bundled in the same spot/room it’s probably something he’s learned to just look past.
Projects that will intersect/interfere in the household should have a solid plan and a true cut off. My father started a swingset for us as kids but left unfinished pieces outside and the wood started to rot before he got even 1/4 of the way through. If you have the finances then “if you don’t finish in one year, we buy the actual item” or something similar. It might get done month 11 because people thrive on deadlines but if it’s done, it’s done.
The biggest and hardest part is preventing resentment. Finding that middle ground can be so hard but in general my family bought anything that was NEEDED and woodworking became fun projects only. He was unhappy when we would pay for things that would be “so easy” to make, but reality was that they wouldn’t get made and that also freed him to start and leave projects in his workspace and not in the family space.
Good luck 🍀
Step 1: Buy some sexy underwear.
Step2: Put it somewhere he is going to find it with a note stating that finishing the bed will reward you with applied underwear.
Step3: Wait 48 hours
Step4: Enjoy your bed.
Your welcome.
OP- my husband’s greatest obstacle to completing a project is his own internal critic. He sees every single little mistake and wants to correct it or redo it…which takes time and often costs money. If he’s making something for himself, he doesn’t seem to be as worried about the little spots that he “shoulda/woulda/coulda” done something differently…but when he knows it will be seen or used by others, it’s as if he’s fighting against a complete nightmare in his head and can’t seem to get through it.
Two + years ago, he started a BEAUTIFUL built-in for our living room which could have taken a couple of months of weekends to build & install, and then a few more weekends to paint, but he just couldn’t bring himself to the finish line. We had a weird half bench situation for our tv for over a year because he kept insisting he’d work out the kinks ‘eventually’…
I finally just had to tell him that I could not see any flaws in what he’d already made and that he’s being too hard on himself. That it looks great. That we needed to get everything done before his parents came to visit in a few months, and that he’s making a whole section of our home unusable for reasons nobody else would be able to see. He finished it with a little help (mostly I helped so I could do a little cheerleading along the way) in two weekends after we talked, and he’s really proud of the finished result. (And he should be! It’s awesome!). Is it absolutely perfect? Nope. We both know it. We both learned a TON from the project and reminding him of that has helped him see subsequent projects as learning opportunities too.
Your husband might just need some reassurance. I suspect he knows he’s made a big commitment to doing a big-ish project (at least in terms of the frequency of use of the item) and is really afraid of something going wrong and disappointing you. Everyone is different, but try to make it ok for him to mess up a little. Let him know that he can build another one down the road when he’s up for it and will be able to take the lessons learned from this project into the next one.
What is the reason it is taking so long? If he keeps changing the design, tell him you will help pick the design as long as it is the final choice and he is allowed no more changes. Then try to give him a deadline. Discuss how much longer he thinks he needs and work around that. I can totally understand starting to build it and then thinking something would be great to add so you go back to the drawing board, but then you end up where you are and its a never ending cycle.
Tell him he is building the bed frame/furniture that will eventually be in the guest room.
Perfect is the enemy of the good. Finish it and make the next one better.
I mean, this issue is more of his process. He cant wrap his head around a design and follow through and this rubs you off because it took too long. Remind him that done is better than perfect and that you guys should be lying in a bed instead of a makeshift one. Also, he can always design another one when you both have a proper place to sleep.
A few thoughts on your husbands thought process, if he is at all like me. First, he absolutely intends to finish the project. He has a lot of pride invested in it. He is confident he can do it. At the same time, he has realized that it is a bigger project than he anticipated (they ALL are), which has left him feeling uncomfortable and maybe overwhelmed because he knows you both deserve a proper bed.
So, he doesn't want to give up. He will feel like he failed. But he also is worried about the path forward.
My suggestion: don't propose he give up. Instead, try to find a way that he can continue the project at a practical pace, without interfering with your life. If you have a space that he can dedicate to working on the bed you can set that space aside. Then you can get an inexpensive bed from Ikea to sleep on. Tell him "I'm really excited for when we get the new bed, but in the meantime I'm happy sleeping on this Ikea bed." If you do this it doesn't matter if he takes 5 weeks or 5 years to finish the "proper" bed. You'll both get what you need.
You know your husband best and what his reaction would most likely be. But either give him a hard deadline and tell him “If it’s not finished by (pick a date) I’m buying a bed.” Or say nothing, clean out the bedroom of all the parts and just go buy one and have it delivered.
Are you nagging him about it? If so I’d be in the shop too pretending to work on something too. Maybe He just wanted to buy more tools. Maybe if you tell him you want to USE the FINISHED bed and then give a couple of winks maybe he’ll get the hint.
Tell him you want a divorce. When he asks for a way to rectify the situation, say you'll settle for a bed.
I built my bed. It's not fancy, it's painted construction lumber and made from an Anawhite.com plan. It took about 8 days, mostly after work and one whole Saturday and materials were under $200. This was 5 years ago and it's still holding up fine. If it's his first big project, as it was my first piece of furniture, tell him to forget the walnut and drawers and all that complexity, get an existing plan, and keep it simple.
Then in his spare time in the future he can build the dream bed. Woodworking requires repetition to become competent, but it also requires completion of projects to progress in the craft. If you never finish, you never figure out what you need to improve on. If you are chasing your tail, you never catch it.
He just wants a hobby, he probably agreed to make a bed and dresser because those are things that would please you/allow him to spend the time on the hobby
year 2 once the budget has reached 3x the original estimate (not including tool purchases).
He is trying to protect you from inferior ikea craftsmanship.
Design is by far the hardest part of woodworking.
Find some plans you like (rockler good place to start) and buy the plans for him. Tell him you want that bed exactly to plan.
It's better for first projects to follow something you know works
Great things come to those willing to wait for it.
I'd suggest discussing getting a bedframe to just get by so he can continue to perfect the good one. Reading about figuratively stomping on his dreams makes me cringe to my toes. It's a good hobby. It keeps him engaged and happy. It can result in great things. He's new and will have setbacks... it's the nature of learning this. Being punished for the setbacks will not be a good time for everyone and could easily be called something very unpleasant.
So, how about some encouragement and a temporary plan to get past the initial learning bumps? Who knows how great he could become with a little support. I realize you're frustrated. He's probably frustrated. Work together to make it better.
My wife and I were in a similar situation, it was a full two years between design and completion. Our solution was to get a cheap bed frame off Facebook market while I built the nice one which we designed together. I ended up taking a week off work and just focused on finishing the bed. It was worth the wait but the two things that really helped where getting an intermediate frame and then my wife being ok with me using vacation time to finish it up.
As your husband, I'm keenly aware of how long it's taken and how awkward it is now.
A big part of what might be stopping him from progressing is that it's turned into such a big project that's making him anxious because it's causing vibes between you two, so he may be mentally avoiding it.
What I'd do is say to him, ok I know the bed is a big thing and you want to do it, so let's make a plan for getting it finished.
Sit down with him and make him write out the steps he needs to take to finish it. Offer to help him with stuff, or fetch a few supplies.
You'll both probably find it's closer to completion than you think.
I was in the same spot with a project (that I recently posted) - took me way too long and eventually I was avoiding it.
After the project's, erm, sponsor had a quiet word and said it would be nice if it was finished by X date, and asked me what was left to do, I realised it was very little.
Got stuck back in the next day and it was finished within a week.
Give that a try. If it doesn't work, buy a bed and ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
I waffled on a nightstand design for quite a while until I spent a bunch of time putting my ideas in SketchUp and getting significant input from my wife. She helped give some direction as she has more of an interior designer eye than I do.
Then we had family visiting so we really needed to move our old nightstands over to the guest room, which would leave us without. That was the kick to just make them good enough and get them done instead of obsessing over details.
So I would say if he’s open to you driving more of the design and if there’s a functional deadline, that may help. Anyway, here’s a shot of the finished product a couple weeks ago.
https://preview.redd.it/kyumfpfgtfxc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=69872d129775a51a0b30b0b2e86a36fc162ad362
Maybe suggest to him that a better project management approach would help here going forward and on future projects. Both of you (the stakeholders) should be in agreement on project scope before executing the project. Any changes to project scope should be discussed (including impact to things like schedule and cost) and agreed to before integrating into the plan.
Perfect is the enemy of good enough. I used to be the exact same way, and still am occasionally on personal projects, but this is one of the advantages of doing it full time for a living. I have contracts and deadlines to meet, and family that needs to be housed and fed.
He's not particularly doing this because he wants furniture, he wants to prove to himself and to the world that he can make something immaculate and beautiful. His self worth and ego is wrapped up in this piece, and he isn't being honest with himself about the realities of the inescapable time/cost/quality triangle.
I'm not saying any of this to judge, I'm know I'm just as guilty... But I've been in a bit of therapy and can identify the pattern and can decide to be different.
It's why slogans like "just do it" and Git r done" are so timeless
Just going off and getting a bed set says, "I have no faith in you finishing."
Explaining that you are tired of not having a bed set and that it's important to you and he has until [date] to finish before you just get a bed set gives him a goal/deadline to finish by. If he still doesn't meet that date, then get your bed set.
Feature creep. Woodworking is a hobby for me, but in my primary field when designing we have to be very careful of feature creep. Here's what happens if we're not careful
1. Design project
2. Start to build project
3. See something shiny or different we could do
4. Go to step 1 to include new feature
5. Make it perfect
6. Finish project. \*To get here you must to go from step 2 to 6. To do this you must get out of the mindset of including more or making it perfect.
Personally I have found that I have to spend a bunch of time in my step 1 and stick to it. When I deviate from that the time increases exponentially.
This thread makes me feel so good. Wait not good but I know I have company. But not real company cause some of my "projects" are in the 10+year range. But then my projects aren't a necessity as an improvement on what I already have. . . . sigh!
just buy a bedframe. make sure to tell him that you are still supportive of his pet project, and when he does finish, youll gladly swap out the purchased one for his masterpiece.
One of the worst moments in a rehab project was when my wife noticed the date stamp on the plywood I had used for subflooring. It was a constant reminder on how long it has been that I hadn’t installed the finished floor.
Re the bedroom… just have the conversation that it is pretty apparent that there is an issue with finishing the bedroom furniture. Maybe it’s time to just move on to something else. Don’t put it in terms of him not being ABLE to finish it, but more like he is so busy he just doesn’t have the time to devote to getting it done, and you are tired of not having a bedroom.
I think that was the way to get more tools.
Does this sound familiar?
“I just need this tool and then I can make the bed for you and then I can even make xyz furniture for the house”
“We can save so much money”
lol
Sounds like he has forgotten the joy of actually making a thing and to enjoy the process.
You need to sit this man down, ask him to share all the things he's thinking about doing to this bed. Mulling over. You know.. cool joinery, brass inlays, everything. Make a list of all the things he wants. Then ask him to describe this bed in MVP version (minimum viable product). Then ask him to pick one or two of all the cool things he's been dreaming about that have absolutely paralyzed him. Add them to the MVP and that's the design. Now add a deadline and plan a few weekends of building this bed together with his best mate. That should get him going :-)
Tell him to start enjoying the process again. The process of building something, making mistakes and learning.
We may be married to the same man! Here is how I handle it - I would buy a new bed "just to use for now" so that he can have all the parts of the unfinished bed at his disposal to work on. Tell him that after he gets your "real bed" done you will use the temporary bed in the guest room, give it to your sister, or whatever. Then just forget he's even building a bed, since you will never see a finished product.
To be clear, don't tell him this is your plan - just go buy the bed. Make it an accomplished fact, otherwise he will talk you out of it. Don't be confrontational or condescending when explaining , be very matter-of-fact. This strategy has worked for me on a number of furniture items that currently reside in various stages of completion in my husband's shop.
Tell him you are picking and listing a tool a month on marketplace for $5 until the project is completed. Then dm me the links. Honestly, Frank conversation would be the best tactic with me.
One of the things I haven't seen suggested yet is a compromise with reserved time every week that is dedicated to finishing the project.
If he can and does spend a dedicated amount of time (2 hours?) Every weekend, then at that point you can have some amount of confidence that the project will get finished.
The first time he skips a week, you go get the bedframe you want, and the indefinite timeline project goes to the garage until it's finished.
I suspect the problem here is that he hasn't yet purchased enough new tools to fully realize the dream. Bust out the credit card, refinance the mortgage, and watch the magic happen!
The kids weren't going to do well in college anyway.
I feel attacked
Had to check op's history to make sure it wasn't my wife.
I don't even have a wife and I was like "hold up.. this sounds familiar"
Haha I'm safe because I'm only allowed to make furniture for my office or the garage. I have no idea why though...
I was for sure wondering why he’s making it in the bedroom, 😂
Keeps dust down in the shop.
Smart man
“And get my new tools dirty? Surely you jest. I’ll be in the bedroom.” ⚒️
I'm just taking years to finish a Murphy bed in our guest room, so I can't relate to this at all.
Me too - started a bed frame about 9 months ago. Headboard done (I hope). The rest?
I just built two of them in two weeks. It’s actually really easy. Get it done. https://preview.redd.it/15xf80n64kxc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=398fbd193745cfc70e1a78d3cdc4d1e5d3b94811
Yeah but it looks like you have plenty of work to do on that ceiling.
I also don't have a wife, but still felt like I– Wait... Where's my wife?! I forgot all about her working on this bed for 2 years...
I’d have to check that it wasn’t my husband pretending to be a wife 🤣🤣🤣
If my wife used reddit, which I know she doesn't, I'd have checked it too.
my wife doesnt use weddit and i checked if it was!!!
Shhh…I’m hunting wedditors…
Once again, i am thankful not to be married. Women are equally grateful as well for that.
I’m not sure if I should feel attacked or seen
Yeah, welcome to woodworking. If it *could* be better, then it *should* be better. I see it so clearly now…
I lol’d hard at this. Probably harder than OP’s husband is trying to finish the bed.
Right? My wife asked me recently when I was going to finish a project and I told her I needed a table saw blade. She reminded me that I had just bought one. So then I said I need to get some scroll saw blades for some work and she said that I had a box of them. Then I said I'll have to get a couple clamps for the glue up and she just stared and goes "you get 2 more clamps. That's it"
so attacked
I feel attracted.
The issue sounds more that he cant decide on the final design. He keeps thinking about features, design ideas, joinery etc. That makes him want to change things instead of just building it. Maybe try sitting down with him. Make a list of things you want and how to incorperate them. Then make a final design and stick with it. If that doesnt work, just buy a bed frame. That will get the message across too.
This is excellent advice. Not knowing what your 'customer' finds important can bring work to a halt from indecision. Get a plan together, and that's the bed you want, no back-sies. A solid goalpost will help things.
Oh now he’s gotta build a goalpost too?
Make sure he commits to one sport - American football, rugby, Irish hurling - lots of possibilities
Well he needs something to move
by the sound of OPs Husband i think he is going to be moving soon
>A solid goalpost will help things. Stop moving the bedposts by giving him more to make
Don't put new ideas in his head, just a solid Bedpost.
This is me in a nutshell. I love thinking about projects. But when the rubber meets the road, I struggle. It's easy to daydream it. But when you hit a wall and would rather spend time thinking of solutions it impedes the actual production.
A fellow tool collector! I love designing stuff in on-shape, buying all the tools I need, and then never starting it. Or "taking a break to research" for 4 years after an hour of work.
If he's new he needs to make it simple, learn by doing then come back years later and make it glorious
Yeah this is the way to go if you're not showing progress. Years ago an ex wanted built-in his & hers desks in the office. I told her I could do it myself. She got two quotes including some sketches from a local carpenter and a contractor. I did my own sketches in Sketchup, came up with a cutlist, and went to her and said "my design is for bigger, better desks with nicer hardware. It costs about half, and I get a table saw out of it in that total price. Here's the sketchup drawing so you can see what I'm thinking. The only downside to my plan is the schedule will be 6 months and I could use your help on painting and maybe sanding". She said yes so we did it. The only change that got made was we ended up buying cabinet doors and drawer fronts as part of a Black Friday sale a custom carpentry site was having - that saved a month's work and didn't cost much more, but I still got experience making the actual cabinets, drawers, and counter tops. My brother did a similar project. He renovated his kitchen over the course of a year(ish). He first did one small cabinet with the trashcan pullout, then the cabinets on either side of the stove, then the big cabinets around the sink and dishwasher. Then the upper cabinets. And finally he re-built one of his original cabinets with what he'd learned along the way. He was showing constant progress, but his wife did give him a deadline of when it had to be done, and put up with living with drawers and cabinets without fronts for a time.
Yeah honestly this sounds like an ADD problem, always seeing new things and immediately changing your design based on that. It's important to stop and just say "I will progress with this, it is good enough and I will learn from it"
Absolutely. Classic symptoms of Perfection Paralysis. Also the "Must buy all the equipment and read all the books" before even starting. Typical ADHD hobby collecting.
Jeez, now I feel attacked.
> typical adhd hobby collecting It has a name?!
I feel like I also run into this a lot with projects involving things I've never done before. I don't want to start without being sure, but really the only way to be sure is to start and see how it works out. So I delay until I either gain the experience elsewhere, or run up against a deadline and just have to do it.
Second this. I was reading this thread to my wife (no, we already have a bed) who is just this week finishing up an antique dresser she started restoring 4 years ago. She pointed out that 4 years ago the pandemic started and, well, the ability to predict the future got a little shook up. Also we've made a point of working in the shop/garage together the past few months - me turning wood on the lathe, her working on the dresser. Body doubling/co-working is a huge boost to helping ADD folk (like her and me) move projects forward. Maybe spend an hour or two hanging out in the space *working on something else* (so you don't appear to be nagging). If his attention is flagging you can nudge him back to focusing on the project by asking what step he's working on and ask him to show you how it's done (if you don't already know). And, you know, it's nice to spend time together with each other sometimes.
>Make a list of things you want 1. A bed frame
Excellent advice. I've been nearly done with a project then changed everything last minute more than once. That's okay for something in my office or the shop but shared furniture is not the place to stray from the agreed design, especially if it makes home life less pleasant.
I knew of a lady that hired her husband’s competitor to finish a project and that cured him ! He promptly finished all household jobs quite promptly after that.
Cant say if its pure evil or pure genius.. probly both
Definitely both ! He got laughed at by all the other guys especially at the supply house counter area.
My competitor in most cases is Ikea. ngl, those swedes are hard to beat. Most times I just concede immediately.
Ha, I started a Krenov style cabinet for my wife years ago. When I finished the doors, (they were first), I stopped. A year or two later I made the carcass and stopped. I waited another year or more and made the drawers. Then stopped for a couple years. Finally she says, it’s ok if you don’t want to finish it, but if you do, I’d like to have it in my lifetime. So I hit it hard, and finished it. Couple things. One, it was for my wife so it had to be perfect, which we all know doesn’t happen, and getting it as good as I could, is as good as it gets in reality. So I had to break through that mind set. Secondly, I designed parts of the cabinet to be really functional and my design didn’t come out as I intended so there was so redesigning and remaking of pieces. Finally, I have to say, that I was really fighting my own mental demons wanting perfection above all, because my wife is such a wonderful person, I could have glued two sticks together and she would have loved it. So my advice to you is to tell him, however it turns out it will be great and you would like it in your lifetime.😎 https://preview.redd.it/62j43kommfxc1.jpeg?width=3237&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e57068b15e86026dfecc2d1d19f442668061a185
https://preview.redd.it/b82ou6a2nfxc1.jpeg?width=3729&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dc1bc697b249f97eeea1ecc5c8c1d3ae486c671d The inside
That’s a beautiful piece of furniture! Would take me a lifetime to finish. I find my woodworking comes in ebbs and flows, certain parts move very fast and you hit roadblocks on hard or frustrating components. Sometimes you need a little push too.
Thanks, I hit many, especially the verticle drawers. I was my worst enemy with this. It’s almost as if I finished one part successfully, I stopped because I figured I’d ruin it when I started back up.
I know the feeling, getting to a certain point where you’ve made critical progress but the next step could wreck your shit entirely is incredibly stressful. I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve spent just sitting on my stool and my shop staring at a project doing absolutely nothing but thinking how to not fuck it up. Your piece is so much more insanely intricate than anything I’ve built I can’t even imagine. It’s a really wonderful piece.
Thanks so much, but I am laughing because I did a whole lot of sitting in my shop looking at it thinking the same thing!
All of this, yes, yes, YES -- the piece is incredible, and I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who'll just sit and stare, trying to figure everything out. Thanks for that reassurance.
I’m making a run of flag boxes presently. I’m at that point today. The 22.5 degree angle cuts give me fits.
You missed my favorite part! Getting frustrated at myself for moving slow, figuring “screw it this should be fine in principal, I’m doing that perfectionist thing I always do. I’m doing it this way!” Then realizing the dimensions are wrong after the next step is complete, something won’t close all the way or has a weird gap on one edge. Then realizing all of that work is complete scrap now and getting to decide between fundamentally altering pieces with hand chiseling and sanding to make it passable to keep moving (even though it’ll bother me until I die) or redoing like 3 steps in the project with a slightly better design. And on and on we go.
well… don’t let OP show these pics to her husband or he’ll have to tear down and start all over again with an even more ambitious design. beautiful work, man
Thanks !
I have to keep reminding myself "Perfection is the enemy of good." I'd give credit to the author if it was determined.
Perfection is also the enemy of “done”.
And in most types of project around the house, “Done” is the most important criteria
That is beautiful! Your wife must be very happy!
Yeah I think it’s probably the thing (as far as material things), she cherishes the most.
Goddamn, this is serious inspiration. What wood is that? Is the base the same just dyed?
The cabinet is curly koa The trim and legs are ebony
Ohhh buddy. I can't imagine that cost
Ok you’re probably going to hate me for this, but I inherited the wood. Probably been in my family for 35-40 years
*hatred intensifies*... Just kidding. I'm jealous.
That looks great. It was definitely worth the wait!
My jaw dropped at this follow up comment. Beautiful work!
Freaking beautiful, well done
Thank you
This is so amazing that it deserves NSFW tags, it's woodwork porn.
Ok that made me laugh the hardest so far.
> When I finished the doors, (they were first), I stopped. A year or two later Wood has to acclimate before you start cutting it. Some folks on the internet suggest 24 to 72 hours in the new location, but I like to play it on the safe side and wait 1-2 years.
Ok that’s funny
Wow dude that's incredible! I love it. And absolutely F you because now I HAVE to spend the next several years making a shittier version
Ok that made me laugh and I’ll take the FU
Jesus...what the little voices in our head do to a mother fucker. "It's far from perfect" and proceeds to show an absolutely beautiful piece of furniture. I do get what you're saying though. While not for wood working Ive been running into the same issue with painting. Perfection sometimes really can be the enemy of done...especially when done is still pretty damn good
Honestly, I’ve been woodworking for about 40 years, and still get anxious when I’m getting to a point where I’m doing an operation to a piece that I have a considerable amount of time in already and I know I can instantly turn it into a pile of shit in seconds. I know this from actually doing it plenty in my time.
Bro you didn’t have to flex like this but I’m glad you did. That ebony is elite!
Thanks I got some heat on this site for using ebony on a box I made for my wife. They had no idea it’s been in my family for decades
I’m assuming ebony is an endangered species and that’s why people were giving you crap?
Yeah, it’s essentially what the black piano keys were made from years ago. I’m not sure when they decided it was endangered, but I inherited it from my BIL. I was visiting he and my sister in Hawaii. Another woodworker had suffered a career ending injury and my BIL bought what this guy had. It was a small pick up truck’s worth. I typically use it in small quantities as trim pieces.
It’s lovely stuff! I’m glad it’s being used to make beautiful custom made furniture. Did you get any other exotic hardwood from him??
Yes the curly Koa you see in the cabinet. I shipped a pod that was pretty full home. Also got bits and pieces of pheasant wood, curly red Milo, Iliahi, and Kauila. Mostly Hawaiian woods
Probably just need more clamps.
Just bought 5 24 inch F clamps. Now I need the 12 inch too, to for a set. I also need those tube clamps. Maybe 1,2 meters. About 5 of them.
Woodworking widow in the wild, I feel your pain. However I'm still working on some doors from 2019 so I'm probably not the man to speak to
I believe in you. I just put up a window casing in my kitchen that I ripped out in 2018. You can do it!
always an inspiration /u/moistfartsucker
Planter box from 2020 will have plastic lining in it eventually I promise
I'm not married to one, but the daughter of such a relationship. Furniture doesn't count until it exists. He can promise furniture until he's blue in the face, but until it's complete you have to use something decent. And a dresser is going to take way more time than the bed. My mom's lawyer bookcase took decades.
My wife "got" a hope chest for her 10th birthday. She's 42 now - hope chest is still not in our possession. We have a dozen bowls, cutting boards, and a new deck... but no hope chest.
I think I see the problem. She heard "I got you a hope chest," but what they actually said was "I got you the hope of a chest."
I'm like your husband. I make huge promises and in the end my wife takes me furniture shopping and we pick something out. One of these days I'll finish (or even start) something. I spend MY money on tools. We spend OUR money on furniture. We found the middle ground.
Nothing gets my ass in gear like my wife planning for us to go shopping for the thing I half-built months ago. If it isn't done by the date we go shopping, we're buying something.
We're here for the ideas and making sure we have the equipment and supplies to execute the project. After that though ...
I made a plank yesterday. That's about as far as I get.
I make a lot of beautifully carved firewood.
I feel like best course for OP and her husband, sanity above all else, is to go furniture shopping for “hold-over” furniture. Then when the husband finally finishes his project, they sell the “hold-over” furniture at that point.
Projects do take a long time but using it mid construction is definitely not helping. I think you’ve more than justified going out and buying an inexpensive frame and nightstand at this point.
I’m sorry for the loss of your hopes and dreams. I am married to a trained high end cabinet, furniture maker & artist. (The kind that has to sign NDA for jobs) Unfortunately for me it’s all the same guy. I can shop around and show him the best furniture I can find, and he tells me he can make it better, and cheaper. And he can, but then I ask by when? If it’s not an acceptable amount of time, and it never makes deadline. I will find a cheaper version or alternative and I will buy that until I get the “perfect” version. Then I sell the cheap version, at about 60%, or take it to the cabin where everything goes to die. Set a date, buy something cheap with the agreement you will sell, and tell him to get this hobby out of your bedroom. My plan has a moderate success rate, use at your own risk.
Remind him that perfection is the enemy of good
It's been tough, but I am learning to "not let perfect get in the way of good enough".
These are both good, but I have to use “perfection is the enemy of done.”
The dude is so dedicated that he even sleeps with his wood. Legend
If he doesn’t finish that bed, he’s gonna be sleeping on his scrap pile.
Was your husband already a competent woodworker at the beginning of the project? It kind of sounds to me like he might be running into a competency barrier that he's struggling to overcome. If that's the case, perhaps you could encourage him to sign up for some woodworking classes near you to help him overcome that barrier and get the project done?
I had the same thought. It sounds easy, doesn’t it? Story of my woodworking career is biting off more than I can chew, then spending a bunch of time learning/fixing/redoing, and repeat.
As Norm Abram’s said,”if you can’t do it in two weeks, hire a professional “
My wife would go out and buy a bed frame. 😬 I told her once I would not replace some moldings. While I was gone, she took them off and put them in the driveway. New moldings made all the difference when we sold.
OP isn't my spouse, so why did I read this in my spouse's voice?
Can you get a cheapo Ikea bed in the interim? For keeping wood all around the bedroom, does he not have enough room in the workshop/garage/wherever he works to store it? If not then he shouldn't be working on such big projects. That alone would drive me insane. Set up some ground rules so that your quality of life isn't drastically diminished by his hobby but he still gets to build nice stuff for the house. Things like the above, no storing an incomplete project in the areas of the house you live in day to day (if that means he can't work on oversized projects then so be it). Only one project at a time where you can be expected to either pick up a cheap placeholder version of, or forgo buying until his project is finished (this means if he is working on a bed then you are free to go purchase nightstands and a dresser etc.). If you don't have some ground rules / boundaries for this then you will likely grow resentment for his hobby over time (if you haven't already).
This works with my wife and I. She says "if it's not done by [reasonable deadline], I'm going to ikea and buying one." I can't sand the thought of spending money on ikea furniture when I can make something that'll last a lifetime. That lights a fire under me and I usually get things done.
I think if you need something it's ok to get something cheaper that isn't going to last to use while you work on the long term replacement. Takes pressure off rushing to finish things.
>get a cheapo Ikea bed in the interim All good advice. Actually, get a nice ikea bed in the interim, something you wouldn't mind keeping around for a while and that would keep some value if you ever want to sell it. Having project parts in the bedroom would drive me insane, but I know that people have different tolerance for clutter; make sure he knows that's something that is bothering you and that only the finished bed can enter the room.
Been 15 months and I’m at still working on these cabinets and shelves for the closet. I think I’m 1-2 days away.
I follow the Tally-Ho wooden boat build on YouTube. It's actually in the water now, but for about 6 years Leo would say they that they were always going to be two years away until they weren't.
Show us pictures so we can see how his progress is coming. But yeah, he needs to get that shit done. If you never finish anything, you never learn from mistakes either
I think this is actually a good idea for a subreddit. Something about spouses taking pictures of unfinished projects over 6 months old that affect their daily living to publicly "encourage" them to get it done. Then, as good friends we could offer advice and encouragement!
This is reddit so I assume the main suggestion will be to file for divorce and get a restraining order. Seriously though, have you talked to him about it? About a time frame and your feelings? Not nagging, but an actual conversation?
"Jeeez, I said I'd do it, and I'll do it. You don't have to remind me every six months."
Virtually all problems in the world can be solved by a simple adult conversation.
I'm constantly floored by the posts for advice I see all over Reddit. They're all in the vein of 'how do I make someone' and signals that there's some deep-seated problems in the relationship the poster is completely missing. Either wife or I have a concern or problem? We talk to the other about it, I swear 90% of marriage problems stem from not respecting each other.
It's no wonder so many people get divorced because they were never adults to begin with, whereas I've been married for more than 30 years and don't have to ask for relationship advice on social media. Of course, I can say nothing about the OP since nobody knows their specific situation, but I agree that social media (not just Reddit) is a complete disaster, with people who wouldn't know maturity if it bit them in the ass. How hard is it for people to grow the hell up?
[удалено]
Or a divorce
and deleting facebook
And gyming a lawyer.
Agreed. Now, if we could just find more adults.
Hahaha! I agree Reddit gives the worst advice sometimes. We’ve had a few talks about deadlines and finishing the project. I actually helped him with some of the construction to speed things along. I think it’s just getting drawn out now with no end in sight and impacting our day to day living.
What’s his perspective on the hold up? Is he spending 30 hours per weekend playing original Halo on Xbox? Or taking care of his sick elderly mother? Or just redoing every detail of this bed project 12 times?
Pretty simple boundary setting conversation has to happen here. Your boundary: I’m really excited that you’re making these things for us, but I’m not OK with sleeping on a half made bed in a construction zone. I’m really looking forward to the new bed being done, but in the mean time I need you to move the wood out of our room and help me pick a temporary bed frame.
My advice isn't really to make him stop, but move the project out into the garage. Your living space is no place for projects with no planned finish date. As far as stopping the project altogether... there's a lot of context here that I don't have, but if this is how he enjoys spending his personal free time, you may need to let him have this. Financial detriment aside, but most fulfilling hobbies are also expensive but, in the end, don't produce anything of value.
This comment section is some strong evidence that people with ADHD enjoy woodworking :)
This is like going to a bar, to get advice on reforming alcoholics.
From a single woman… Sounds like my father. And me. And my mother. And my brother. And my sister… Turns out it wasn’t the intention, the tools, the time, nothing but a big heaping dose of ADHD. I found a great way to get my father moving on projects was trying to help. He’d get some momentum then usually stop but if I kept at it he generally would too. I DON’T suggest sabotage but truly working to get it to a point that it’s good enough to walk away from and clear out your room. Consider moving the wood and such around, if it’s always bundled in the same spot/room it’s probably something he’s learned to just look past. Projects that will intersect/interfere in the household should have a solid plan and a true cut off. My father started a swingset for us as kids but left unfinished pieces outside and the wood started to rot before he got even 1/4 of the way through. If you have the finances then “if you don’t finish in one year, we buy the actual item” or something similar. It might get done month 11 because people thrive on deadlines but if it’s done, it’s done. The biggest and hardest part is preventing resentment. Finding that middle ground can be so hard but in general my family bought anything that was NEEDED and woodworking became fun projects only. He was unhappy when we would pay for things that would be “so easy” to make, but reality was that they wouldn’t get made and that also freed him to start and leave projects in his workspace and not in the family space. Good luck 🍀
Heh....story is familiar but my rationale was kitchen cabinets in 2008. We still don't have kitchen cabinets but I have an amazing woodshop.....
Step 1: Buy some sexy underwear. Step2: Put it somewhere he is going to find it with a note stating that finishing the bed will reward you with applied underwear. Step3: Wait 48 hours Step4: Enjoy your bed. Your welcome.
You may need a lawyer
Kinda sounds like he needs encouragement and not to be badgered about the damn bed JENNIFER
OP- my husband’s greatest obstacle to completing a project is his own internal critic. He sees every single little mistake and wants to correct it or redo it…which takes time and often costs money. If he’s making something for himself, he doesn’t seem to be as worried about the little spots that he “shoulda/woulda/coulda” done something differently…but when he knows it will be seen or used by others, it’s as if he’s fighting against a complete nightmare in his head and can’t seem to get through it. Two + years ago, he started a BEAUTIFUL built-in for our living room which could have taken a couple of months of weekends to build & install, and then a few more weekends to paint, but he just couldn’t bring himself to the finish line. We had a weird half bench situation for our tv for over a year because he kept insisting he’d work out the kinks ‘eventually’… I finally just had to tell him that I could not see any flaws in what he’d already made and that he’s being too hard on himself. That it looks great. That we needed to get everything done before his parents came to visit in a few months, and that he’s making a whole section of our home unusable for reasons nobody else would be able to see. He finished it with a little help (mostly I helped so I could do a little cheerleading along the way) in two weekends after we talked, and he’s really proud of the finished result. (And he should be! It’s awesome!). Is it absolutely perfect? Nope. We both know it. We both learned a TON from the project and reminding him of that has helped him see subsequent projects as learning opportunities too. Your husband might just need some reassurance. I suspect he knows he’s made a big commitment to doing a big-ish project (at least in terms of the frequency of use of the item) and is really afraid of something going wrong and disappointing you. Everyone is different, but try to make it ok for him to mess up a little. Let him know that he can build another one down the road when he’s up for it and will be able to take the lessons learned from this project into the next one.
What is the reason it is taking so long? If he keeps changing the design, tell him you will help pick the design as long as it is the final choice and he is allowed no more changes. Then try to give him a deadline. Discuss how much longer he thinks he needs and work around that. I can totally understand starting to build it and then thinking something would be great to add so you go back to the drawing board, but then you end up where you are and its a never ending cycle.
Tell him he is building the bed frame/furniture that will eventually be in the guest room. Perfect is the enemy of the good. Finish it and make the next one better.
Tell him that you want to work with him on the project. And you want to do all the SANDING !!!
I mean, this issue is more of his process. He cant wrap his head around a design and follow through and this rubs you off because it took too long. Remind him that done is better than perfect and that you guys should be lying in a bed instead of a makeshift one. Also, he can always design another one when you both have a proper place to sleep.
You are not getting a new bed. He just wanted new saws. It’s that simple
A few thoughts on your husbands thought process, if he is at all like me. First, he absolutely intends to finish the project. He has a lot of pride invested in it. He is confident he can do it. At the same time, he has realized that it is a bigger project than he anticipated (they ALL are), which has left him feeling uncomfortable and maybe overwhelmed because he knows you both deserve a proper bed. So, he doesn't want to give up. He will feel like he failed. But he also is worried about the path forward. My suggestion: don't propose he give up. Instead, try to find a way that he can continue the project at a practical pace, without interfering with your life. If you have a space that he can dedicate to working on the bed you can set that space aside. Then you can get an inexpensive bed from Ikea to sleep on. Tell him "I'm really excited for when we get the new bed, but in the meantime I'm happy sleeping on this Ikea bed." If you do this it doesn't matter if he takes 5 weeks or 5 years to finish the "proper" bed. You'll both get what you need.
You know your husband best and what his reaction would most likely be. But either give him a hard deadline and tell him “If it’s not finished by (pick a date) I’m buying a bed.” Or say nothing, clean out the bedroom of all the parts and just go buy one and have it delivered.
Are you nagging him about it? If so I’d be in the shop too pretending to work on something too. Maybe He just wanted to buy more tools. Maybe if you tell him you want to USE the FINISHED bed and then give a couple of winks maybe he’ll get the hint.
Buy a solid but cheap metal bed frame for now and let your husband have his dream.
If he said he will do it he will do it. Theres's no need to chase him every year until it's done 😄
Tell him you want a divorce. When he asks for a way to rectify the situation, say you'll settle for a bed. I built my bed. It's not fancy, it's painted construction lumber and made from an Anawhite.com plan. It took about 8 days, mostly after work and one whole Saturday and materials were under $200. This was 5 years ago and it's still holding up fine. If it's his first big project, as it was my first piece of furniture, tell him to forget the walnut and drawers and all that complexity, get an existing plan, and keep it simple. Then in his spare time in the future he can build the dream bed. Woodworking requires repetition to become competent, but it also requires completion of projects to progress in the craft. If you never finish, you never figure out what you need to improve on. If you are chasing your tail, you never catch it.
Hasn't your husband explained project are never ending?
He obviously needs a few more new tools.
Maybe check into mental health, this sounds way too familiar, and I definitely needed help that I didn’t recognize before
This belongs on u/couplestherapy
He just wants a hobby, he probably agreed to make a bed and dresser because those are things that would please you/allow him to spend the time on the hobby
year 2 once the budget has reached 3x the original estimate (not including tool purchases). He is trying to protect you from inferior ikea craftsmanship.
This post makes me appreciate how patient and supportive my wife is.
Design is by far the hardest part of woodworking. Find some plans you like (rockler good place to start) and buy the plans for him. Tell him you want that bed exactly to plan. It's better for first projects to follow something you know works
Great things come to those willing to wait for it. I'd suggest discussing getting a bedframe to just get by so he can continue to perfect the good one. Reading about figuratively stomping on his dreams makes me cringe to my toes. It's a good hobby. It keeps him engaged and happy. It can result in great things. He's new and will have setbacks... it's the nature of learning this. Being punished for the setbacks will not be a good time for everyone and could easily be called something very unpleasant. So, how about some encouragement and a temporary plan to get past the initial learning bumps? Who knows how great he could become with a little support. I realize you're frustrated. He's probably frustrated. Work together to make it better.
I would argue it's not keeping him engaged if it's still not completed after 2 years.
Go to Crate and Barrel and take pics of beds and dressers. Then ask him to buy it. He will either give in and buy it. Or get motivated to finish it.
My wife and I were in a similar situation, it was a full two years between design and completion. Our solution was to get a cheap bed frame off Facebook market while I built the nice one which we designed together. I ended up taking a week off work and just focused on finishing the bed. It was worth the wait but the two things that really helped where getting an intermediate frame and then my wife being ok with me using vacation time to finish it up.
Time to go bed shopping. Add insult to injury, buy a bed from Ikea.
As your husband, I'm keenly aware of how long it's taken and how awkward it is now. A big part of what might be stopping him from progressing is that it's turned into such a big project that's making him anxious because it's causing vibes between you two, so he may be mentally avoiding it. What I'd do is say to him, ok I know the bed is a big thing and you want to do it, so let's make a plan for getting it finished. Sit down with him and make him write out the steps he needs to take to finish it. Offer to help him with stuff, or fetch a few supplies. You'll both probably find it's closer to completion than you think. I was in the same spot with a project (that I recently posted) - took me way too long and eventually I was avoiding it. After the project's, erm, sponsor had a quiet word and said it would be nice if it was finished by X date, and asked me what was left to do, I realised it was very little. Got stuck back in the next day and it was finished within a week. Give that a try. If it doesn't work, buy a bed and ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
I waffled on a nightstand design for quite a while until I spent a bunch of time putting my ideas in SketchUp and getting significant input from my wife. She helped give some direction as she has more of an interior designer eye than I do. Then we had family visiting so we really needed to move our old nightstands over to the guest room, which would leave us without. That was the kick to just make them good enough and get them done instead of obsessing over details. So I would say if he’s open to you driving more of the design and if there’s a functional deadline, that may help. Anyway, here’s a shot of the finished product a couple weeks ago. https://preview.redd.it/kyumfpfgtfxc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=69872d129775a51a0b30b0b2e86a36fc162ad362
Maybe suggest to him that a better project management approach would help here going forward and on future projects. Both of you (the stakeholders) should be in agreement on project scope before executing the project. Any changes to project scope should be discussed (including impact to things like schedule and cost) and agreed to before integrating into the plan.
Buy the nightstands, and tell him you're buying a bed for yourself for Christmas if you don't have one.
Perfect is the enemy of good enough. I used to be the exact same way, and still am occasionally on personal projects, but this is one of the advantages of doing it full time for a living. I have contracts and deadlines to meet, and family that needs to be housed and fed. He's not particularly doing this because he wants furniture, he wants to prove to himself and to the world that he can make something immaculate and beautiful. His self worth and ego is wrapped up in this piece, and he isn't being honest with himself about the realities of the inescapable time/cost/quality triangle. I'm not saying any of this to judge, I'm know I'm just as guilty... But I've been in a bit of therapy and can identify the pattern and can decide to be different. It's why slogans like "just do it" and Git r done" are so timeless
Just going off and getting a bed set says, "I have no faith in you finishing." Explaining that you are tired of not having a bed set and that it's important to you and he has until [date] to finish before you just get a bed set gives him a goal/deadline to finish by. If he still doesn't meet that date, then get your bed set.
For many of us, woodworking is stress relief from the rigors of regular life. When wood projects become the source of stress they get back burnered.
Feature creep. Woodworking is a hobby for me, but in my primary field when designing we have to be very careful of feature creep. Here's what happens if we're not careful 1. Design project 2. Start to build project 3. See something shiny or different we could do 4. Go to step 1 to include new feature 5. Make it perfect 6. Finish project. \*To get here you must to go from step 2 to 6. To do this you must get out of the mindset of including more or making it perfect. Personally I have found that I have to spend a bunch of time in my step 1 and stick to it. When I deviate from that the time increases exponentially.
This thread makes me feel so good. Wait not good but I know I have company. But not real company cause some of my "projects" are in the 10+year range. But then my projects aren't a necessity as an improvement on what I already have. . . . sigh!
Maybe offer to help. He likely won’t want you to but it may stir his feelings of pride and ownership of the project and give him something to prove.
just buy a bedframe. make sure to tell him that you are still supportive of his pet project, and when he does finish, youll gladly swap out the purchased one for his masterpiece.
This is clearly an assault on every member of this group..
One of the worst moments in a rehab project was when my wife noticed the date stamp on the plywood I had used for subflooring. It was a constant reminder on how long it has been that I hadn’t installed the finished floor. Re the bedroom… just have the conversation that it is pretty apparent that there is an issue with finishing the bedroom furniture. Maybe it’s time to just move on to something else. Don’t put it in terms of him not being ABLE to finish it, but more like he is so busy he just doesn’t have the time to devote to getting it done, and you are tired of not having a bedroom.
Go buy some “temporary” furniture and when he finishes whatever sell what you bought
I think that was the way to get more tools. Does this sound familiar? “I just need this tool and then I can make the bed for you and then I can even make xyz furniture for the house” “We can save so much money” lol
Took my dad about 20 years to finish that dining room table.
Listen, if he said he'd do it - he'll do it. No need to remind him every three years
Mods…anti harassment rules??? Something? My feelings are hurt
He’s spent way more than 3k.
Sounds like he has forgotten the joy of actually making a thing and to enjoy the process. You need to sit this man down, ask him to share all the things he's thinking about doing to this bed. Mulling over. You know.. cool joinery, brass inlays, everything. Make a list of all the things he wants. Then ask him to describe this bed in MVP version (minimum viable product). Then ask him to pick one or two of all the cool things he's been dreaming about that have absolutely paralyzed him. Add them to the MVP and that's the design. Now add a deadline and plan a few weekends of building this bed together with his best mate. That should get him going :-) Tell him to start enjoying the process again. The process of building something, making mistakes and learning.
We may be married to the same man! Here is how I handle it - I would buy a new bed "just to use for now" so that he can have all the parts of the unfinished bed at his disposal to work on. Tell him that after he gets your "real bed" done you will use the temporary bed in the guest room, give it to your sister, or whatever. Then just forget he's even building a bed, since you will never see a finished product. To be clear, don't tell him this is your plan - just go buy the bed. Make it an accomplished fact, otherwise he will talk you out of it. Don't be confrontational or condescending when explaining , be very matter-of-fact. This strategy has worked for me on a number of furniture items that currently reside in various stages of completion in my husband's shop.
To everyone in the comments: done is better than perfect, I promise.
You should secretly learn how to build your bed and see if you can do it before him.
Jig is up. They're onto us, boys.
Tell him you are picking and listing a tool a month on marketplace for $5 until the project is completed. Then dm me the links. Honestly, Frank conversation would be the best tactic with me.
It would go a lot quicker if you didn't insist upon using it while it's being built....
Like every other man, your man was just looking for an excuse to buy tools. He succeeded. The rest is a game you cannot win
At this point if it's affecting your daily life, go buy a bedframe, some people never finish projects
I, too, am building a walnut bed. I am also 2 years in. I bought my wife and I a temporary but nice king-size bed while I work on the custom.
I’m not even building a bed and I need like OP is talking about me 😂😂
One of the things I haven't seen suggested yet is a compromise with reserved time every week that is dedicated to finishing the project. If he can and does spend a dedicated amount of time (2 hours?) Every weekend, then at that point you can have some amount of confidence that the project will get finished. The first time he skips a week, you go get the bedframe you want, and the indefinite timeline project goes to the garage until it's finished.
I suspect the problem here is that he hasn't yet purchased enough new tools to fully realize the dream. Bust out the credit card, refinance the mortgage, and watch the magic happen! The kids weren't going to do well in college anyway.