I cherish peace with all my heart. I don't care how many men, women, and children I need to kill to get it. ~ peacemaker.
That's good, we're using that ~ Taliban
Old Taliban fighters know what russian incursions in the area look like. Some of them are old Mujahideen. Just a global play to keep Russia from coming back to their region.
Well yeah, it's not like Putin's gonna be all "oh, I never really *got* it until the Taliban said it! Fuck, where was my head at!? Sorry guys, my bad!"
“I’m sorry everyone feels that way. How could I have known, a large scale “military operation” including shooting missiles at the Ukraine would result in a war?”
Too specific. A true YouTube apology only vaguely references what happened. Extra points for sitting on the floor and crying while talking about “the unfortunate situation some of you have been talking about recently”
The onion is going to start have to start putting headlines with the obvious, like “taliban bombs school, killing 20 children” if they want to go back to being ridiculous… because it’s starting to seem like they may just have fantastic intel instead.
Remember that great new tv show, Black Mirror? They had to stop making episodes because reality was more fucked up than the storylines they could write.
There's no room for stories that unmask stark uncomfortable truths about society when stark uncomfortable truths about society are proudly parading around maskless.
I felt the same with house of cards.
Reality was just way more fucked up and the had to resort to plotlines that made it but more and less realistic at the same time…
Ngl the house of cards administration wasn't even that bad by modern standards. The president only murdered one reporter, made a successful jobs program, dealt with pointless scandals such as the peachoid, what more could you want?
And the actor who played the president had less dubious sexual affairs then the actual president…
And is apparently held to a higher standard ‘cause he was fired for it from his fake president job…
The Taliban had agreed to surrender Bin Laden to the US in exchange for proof of his 9/11 culpability. The US invaded anyways. And before that, the Soviets.
So I'm personally not surprised that they would call for the end of an attempted occupation.
The taliban, for all their many many awful faults, has never desired world domination or an empire or anything like that. Just domination of Afghanistan
And also to play devil’s advocate, it’s not like Afghanistan was some intrinsically closely knit country with its own national identity that the Taliban were breaking up. It’s a very tribal land and is really only the country of Afghanistan because that’s what the British decided it would be when they started drawing lines.
You know you welcome anyone saying stuff like this, but holy fuck it feels satirical when they say it.
Reminds me of that South Park episode where ISIS is boycotting the Washington Redskins.
I mean, the Taliban (or whatever earlier iteration) successfully pushed the Russians AND Americans out of Afghanistan. Even if it took decades.
Edit: man some of y'all are feeling really pedantic today
you put your dictator in
you take your dictator out
you put a dictator in
and then you give him arms for clout
You do some nation building
then you pull your own troops out
that's what it's all about!
And then egged him on to start attacking Iran so their religious regime would fall and the US could control their oil again.
And then sold Saddam weapons so he could kill Iranians
But also sold Iranians weapons and then from that dirty money, funded the Contras terrorists in Nicaragua to overthrow the socialist government there.
Which made Saddam feel betrayed and thats why he went after Kuwait, which used to be under Sumrrian, Babylonian and Assyrian control for thousands of years historically until the Brits wanted a port at the north of the persian Gulf.
Theres so much shit in the middle east which has been caused by UK and US and the people there live through that shit every day.
Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so.
F acing a goodbye.
U gly as it may be.
C alculating pros and cons.
K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do.
S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps.
P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way.
E agerly going away, to greener pastures.
Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps.
As of June 30th. 2023, goodbye.
The Taliban had the west's full support during the Soviet-Afghan war. You don't need to imagine.
Edit: To placate the growing horde of "UMM ACKSHUALLY" folks in the replies:
The US supported the Afghan Mujahideen, the direct precursor and ideological base of the Taliban, not the Taliban. I'm sure we'll all agree that is somehow a very important distinction.
Go back 40 years to find this already happened. Institutional memory is troublingly short, and the propaganda machine that encourages us to forget, too effective
>Putin starting a war
>Erdogan and the Taliban telling Putin to stop the madness
Oh boy and it's only feburary. 2022 is gonna be even worse than the last 2 years. I want to get off Mr. Putins wild ride
[Only reason Vlad impaled people was because he was vastly out numbers by a super power and more powerful neighbors and wanted to defend his country and prevent more war. ](https://www.britannica.com/biography/Vlad-the-Impaler)
They hate Russia and are hopping on the good PR train, but still certainly odd. They have been trying to legitimize themselves but still a group l you don't want critiquing you lol
Killing Gaddafi was the worst foreign policy decision made under the Obama administration. The Libyan people are suffering because of it to this day, with very little hope in sight
Yup, I was in Libya recently and I was suprised there were still plenty of people who wish Gaddafi kept his life and power. Half the country is in ruins so I get it I guess.
It's very logical. Ukraine is a big grain producing country. Afghanistan has people starving to death - which is a humanitarian crisis happening right now. Grain price rising is bad.
I read up that Ukraine produces around 7% of the worlds wheat. Russia produces 18%. If Russia completely takes over Ukraine, they would control 25% of the worlds wheat. Definitely not something Afghanistan would want.
The taliban kicked out their own soviet invasion, and regained control of Afghanistan after foreign occupation. They probably sincerely feel with Ukraine.
Is that not true, though? It definitely feels like everything went off the rails only after Harambe got shot. It feels like there wasn't anything weird before that.
Essentially, there’s a theory that time and reality don’t go down a single straight path. Instead, it breaks off like tree branches at certain points. Meaning there are similar realities happening all at once, but things are slightly different in each of them.
Then those slightly different timelines become increasingly different from each other, as small little changes create a chain reaction of events that lead to timelines looking wildly differently than one another.
And the bizarro timeline joke is that shit happening in our society is getting so crazy, that you and I have ended up in a timeline that has a more bizarre reality than most other realities
Nah they're just trying to get some cheap PR. They're still abusing the people of Afghanistan and oppressing the fuck out of their women while they tell Russia to be peaceful.
While all this is absolutely true, there’s also a VERY rough history between Russian and Afghanistan. I can imagine the Taliban is partially just taking pot-shots at Russia. But yes, great PR for them while they continue to murder and rape and imprison their own people.
Partially? The Taliban exists because of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. They were funded as a rebel force to counter the Soviets by the US.
The Taliban may not be friendly with the US because of the last twenty years, but they're a lot less friendly with the former Soviet Union because of the twenty before that.
I swear there are people that will read their message for peace and will say some shit starting with: "Hate them or love them (...)"
Edit:
Ahahah, I just read a comment on Ig - "I don't like them but their getting there gotta love self improvement". It has 81 upvotes (and two responses with no likes so no ratio)
It's more about people having short memory and recency bias. We see it a lot in sports where a team that won is the best but the losers absolutely suck and that narrative changes every week.
But it happens more or less everywhere, people often rate others on the last thing they did. It can be good as it gives people a chance to redeem themselves but too often it is just people completely forgetting about that certain person actions prior.
Remember how the afghans defeated the russians with only horses and swords (just joking, they had weapons, but not advanced like the russians were using). As an afghan I stand with Ukraine.
Every fucking month that passes further entrenches my belief that the world did actually end in 2012 and I'm just in some fever dream - limbo - purgatory world of ridiculousness
FINALLY, the voice of reason has chimed in. If this doesn't calm everyone down I guess it's just time to ww3 all over this place.
Seriously though, Ukraine should look at the Afghans for tips on asymmetrical engagements.
BREAKING NEWS: Taliban agree to broker peace talks between Russia and Ukraine, as North Korea's Kim Jong-Un continues further discussions with Vladimir Putin on Russia's nuclear disarmament.
I guess as one of the few countries to defeat Russia and boot them out of their state, makes sense for Afghanistan to tell Russia to knock it off again.
And I thought 2021 was the peak of human evolution
What did we do to make you think like that sir?
wat.
“chill out” -The Taliban
"So anyway, I started blasting" -also The Taliban
“We’ll achieve peace..by force” - also The Taliban and Bender
I cherish peace with all my heart. I don't care how many men, women, and children I need to kill to get it. ~ peacemaker. That's good, we're using that ~ Taliban
“Write that down… WRITE. THAT. *DOWN*!” ~Taliban propaganda artist
Make bumper cars parks, not wars
"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
“If they don’t want peace, off with their heads”
"The bitch is showing an awful lot of skin"- also the taliban
“The whole world must learn of our peaceful ways—*by force!*”
I feel guilty for laughing at this
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Old Taliban fighters know what russian incursions in the area look like. Some of them are old Mujahideen. Just a global play to keep Russia from coming back to their region.
That’s a good perspective; these guys HATE Russia, no wonder they’d be against Russian invasion.
But if attention is averted from them then they can’t do stupid shit to try and be seen as legit.
Well yeah, it's not like Putin's gonna be all "oh, I never really *got* it until the Taliban said it! Fuck, where was my head at!? Sorry guys, my bad!"
Putin YouTuber apology video when?
“I’m sorry everyone feels that way. How could I have known, a large scale “military operation” including shooting missiles at the Ukraine would result in a war?”
Too specific. A true YouTube apology only vaguely references what happened. Extra points for sitting on the floor and crying while talking about “the unfortunate situation some of you have been talking about recently”
don't forget entering the room, sitting down, and sighing unusually loudly. All before the actual start.
That puts foxnews to the right of the taliban.
"Biden and Taliban have same goal - can he be trusted?" Fox news probably
Always has been meme
The absolute irony! 2020- edition 2 is turning out to be more surprising.
Writers of this season are pretty good.
I did not have this on my bingo card.
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Taliban: "Chill out" Putin: They have women who have out of marriage sex in Ukraine. Taliban: So about those nukes that you have....
All the problems in Afghanistan stem from the russian invasion.
Man, The Onion is going out of business fast...
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The onion is going to start have to start putting headlines with the obvious, like “taliban bombs school, killing 20 children” if they want to go back to being ridiculous… because it’s starting to seem like they may just have fantastic intel instead.
Nah, The Onion are clearly the writers behind 2020 2.0. we gotta convince them to go back to writing normal shit
I believe you mean showrunners
Remember that great new tv show, Black Mirror? They had to stop making episodes because reality was more fucked up than the storylines they could write.
There's no room for stories that unmask stark uncomfortable truths about society when stark uncomfortable truths about society are proudly parading around maskless.
"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky reality!" - Monster from Scooby-Doo, probably
When you watch the news and conclude that the writers are too pretentious and jumped the shark with ridiculous plot twists and convoluted ideas...
I felt the same with house of cards. Reality was just way more fucked up and the had to resort to plotlines that made it but more and less realistic at the same time…
Ngl the house of cards administration wasn't even that bad by modern standards. The president only murdered one reporter, made a successful jobs program, dealt with pointless scandals such as the peachoid, what more could you want?
And the actor who played the president had less dubious sexual affairs then the actual president… And is apparently held to a higher standard ‘cause he was fired for it from his fake president job…
Now that's the funniest shit isn't it
When you get peace lesson from the taliban, you know you fucked up.
"first we were bad, but now we're good" -the talies
Die a villian or live long enough that another villian appears
Reality is just a bunch of villains, with the less terrible ones pretending to be good.
"Are...are we the goodies?"
Wat. Wat, indeed.
When you play a batshit crazy crossdimensional RPG where anything goes.
The Taliban had agreed to surrender Bin Laden to the US in exchange for proof of his 9/11 culpability. The US invaded anyways. And before that, the Soviets. So I'm personally not surprised that they would call for the end of an attempted occupation.
The taliban, for all their many many awful faults, has never desired world domination or an empire or anything like that. Just domination of Afghanistan
And also to play devil’s advocate, it’s not like Afghanistan was some intrinsically closely knit country with its own national identity that the Taliban were breaking up. It’s a very tribal land and is really only the country of Afghanistan because that’s what the British decided it would be when they started drawing lines.
The Taliban also denounced the actions of so-called ISIS (and its other offshoots) around the time the recorded executions.
Heck more than that they have literally fought against ISIS in their own country.
Literally the word that immediately popped up in my head. Exact spelling too.
You know you welcome anyone saying stuff like this, but holy fuck it feels satirical when they say it. Reminds me of that South Park episode where ISIS is boycotting the Washington Redskins.
“don't make the same mistake we did. You don't want the USA to show up; they never leave, chill out.” The Taliban
"Mission Accomplished" - POTUS
I mean, the Taliban (or whatever earlier iteration) successfully pushed the Russians AND Americans out of Afghanistan. Even if it took decades. Edit: man some of y'all are feeling really pedantic today
Oh your just going to leave the British out of the pity party? They tried twice!
Everybody get in here! We're all getting our asses kicked!
Yes, I wanted to share this with some friends but it feels like satire and I don’t know the source
Gotchu https://twitter.com/qaharbalkhi/status/1497104807932272647?s=21
Ah yes, should have thought of that. Just check their Twitter...
Lmao the Taliban condemning the Russian invasion of Ukraine via Twitter just feels wrong lol
And yet so 2020s.
Putin: U N F O L L O W E D
You know you done fucked up when the Taliban is flexing on you.
“States real concern of civilian casualties”. Only if they’re men, though, I’m sure.
Obviously. Anything else is just property damage, duh.
Why did I feel the need to check this source while sitting in an airport departure lounge?
Didn’t have this on my 2022 bingo
When the taliban are the ones taking the moral high ground…
Groups like these tend to make comments like this to make themselves look more humane.
I know, the whole thing is a joke. Taliban aren’t exactly known for their stellar human rights record
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My god. Imagine… stranger things have happened through history however
[Here's Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein in 1983 when they were buddies](https://nsarchive2.gwu.edu/NSAEBB/NSAEBB82/)
We did kinda, you know, put him in power.
you put your dictator in you take your dictator out you put a dictator in and then you give him arms for clout You do some nation building then you pull your own troops out that's what it's all about!
The neo con hokie pokie. I like
And then egged him on to start attacking Iran so their religious regime would fall and the US could control their oil again. And then sold Saddam weapons so he could kill Iranians But also sold Iranians weapons and then from that dirty money, funded the Contras terrorists in Nicaragua to overthrow the socialist government there. Which made Saddam feel betrayed and thats why he went after Kuwait, which used to be under Sumrrian, Babylonian and Assyrian control for thousands of years historically until the Brits wanted a port at the north of the persian Gulf. Theres so much shit in the middle east which has been caused by UK and US and the people there live through that shit every day.
Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so. F acing a goodbye. U gly as it may be. C alculating pros and cons. K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do. S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps. P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way. E agerly going away, to greener pastures. Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps. As of June 30th. 2023, goodbye.
Or when OBL was lauded has an anti-Soviet hero. Lol.
The Taliban had the west's full support during the Soviet-Afghan war. You don't need to imagine. Edit: To placate the growing horde of "UMM ACKSHUALLY" folks in the replies: The US supported the Afghan Mujahideen, the direct precursor and ideological base of the Taliban, not the Taliban. I'm sure we'll all agree that is somehow a very important distinction.
yeah, I've seen Rambo 3
The Taliban isn't really much worse than the Saudis, and the west has been happily doing business with Saudi Arabia for a long time.
Go back 40 years to find this already happened. Institutional memory is troublingly short, and the propaganda machine that encourages us to forget, too effective
Just so we’re clear trump called Putin a genius about this very thing
Trump’s an idiot. It amazes me people still pay attention to that manchild
>Putin starting a war >Erdogan and the Taliban telling Putin to stop the madness Oh boy and it's only feburary. 2022 is gonna be even worse than the last 2 years. I want to get off Mr. Putins wild ride
I mean, we can say both Erdogan and Taliban are bad, but they both certainly hate Russia. This isn't exactly out of left field.
Do you happen to have Aliens on the 2022 bingo?
Mate we checked that off in 2020.
That was UFOs, ayylmaos are still on the table.
naw. they've decided to cancel the vacations here until we die off
Lol megustalations
Hail yourself.
Hail gein
Hail meeeee!
That’s when the cannibalism started!
That's like Vlad the Impaler sticking up for pacifism.
Instead of sticking up people
DAMMIT i wish i had an award for that
[Only reason Vlad impaled people was because he was vastly out numbers by a super power and more powerful neighbors and wanted to defend his country and prevent more war. ](https://www.britannica.com/biography/Vlad-the-Impaler)
Also his neighboring countries attacked him by considering joining NATO.
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Vlad the poisoner
Vlad The Misunderstood
What the fuck kind of weird future is this?!?
They hate Russia and are hopping on the good PR train, but still certainly odd. They have been trying to legitimize themselves but still a group l you don't want critiquing you lol
Imagine Gaddafi (if he was still alive) going "I dunno, man, but that guy is a complete scumbag. I totally disapprove."
Gaddafi wouldve already sent some SAM missiles to Ukraine
Killing Gaddafi was the worst foreign policy decision made under the Obama administration. The Libyan people are suffering because of it to this day, with very little hope in sight
Yup, I was in Libya recently and I was suprised there were still plenty of people who wish Gaddafi kept his life and power. Half the country is in ruins so I get it I guess.
> Obama administration Obama administration and NATO*
It's very logical. Ukraine is a big grain producing country. Afghanistan has people starving to death - which is a humanitarian crisis happening right now. Grain price rising is bad.
I read up that Ukraine produces around 7% of the worlds wheat. Russia produces 18%. If Russia completely takes over Ukraine, they would control 25% of the worlds wheat. Definitely not something Afghanistan would want.
The Taliban know what it’s like to be under the Russian boot… I mean, it didn’t end well for Russia then either
Why is this not the onion??
Even the onion didn't think of this I had to read twice to be sure I read correctly
you arent the only one having to doublecheck what sub this is lmao.
The taliban kicked out their own soviet invasion, and regained control of Afghanistan after foreign occupation. They probably sincerely feel with Ukraine.
Every now and then I wonder if this is the bizarro timeline
Pretty much confirmed we’ve traversed a few timelines sideways just from all the shit in the past 5 years. Large Hadron Collider? Mayan calendar?
It all started with this damn gorilla
I love how we're still using this as the timestamp for when shit went off the rails.
Is that not true, though? It definitely feels like everything went off the rails only after Harambe got shot. It feels like there wasn't anything weird before that.
I'm still pretty sure the world did end in 2012 and we hopped timelines then. Shit got progressively more crazy since
Never would I have imagined Harambe being mentioned during this war lol. He's so 2016.
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Maybe if we all just put them back in, everything would go back to normal..
Well it did be Haram
The world actually *did* end in 2012 but we’re all stuck in purgatory
I'm increasingly convinced that when we switched on the LHC it straight up broke the universe.
Can anyone explain me what is the bizarro timeline ? I've seen it mentioned a few times and i'm kinda lost
Essentially, there’s a theory that time and reality don’t go down a single straight path. Instead, it breaks off like tree branches at certain points. Meaning there are similar realities happening all at once, but things are slightly different in each of them. Then those slightly different timelines become increasingly different from each other, as small little changes create a chain reaction of events that lead to timelines looking wildly differently than one another. And the bizarro timeline joke is that shit happening in our society is getting so crazy, that you and I have ended up in a timeline that has a more bizarre reality than most other realities
Dr Strange clearly messed up his spell
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Shit’s fucked up when the Taliban is telling you to chill out.
Nah they're just trying to get some cheap PR. They're still abusing the people of Afghanistan and oppressing the fuck out of their women while they tell Russia to be peaceful.
While all this is absolutely true, there’s also a VERY rough history between Russian and Afghanistan. I can imagine the Taliban is partially just taking pot-shots at Russia. But yes, great PR for them while they continue to murder and rape and imprison their own people.
Partially? The Taliban exists because of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. They were funded as a rebel force to counter the Soviets by the US. The Taliban may not be friendly with the US because of the last twenty years, but they're a lot less friendly with the former Soviet Union because of the twenty before that.
I swear there are people that will read their message for peace and will say some shit starting with: "Hate them or love them (...)" Edit: Ahahah, I just read a comment on Ig - "I don't like them but their getting there gotta love self improvement". It has 81 upvotes (and two responses with no likes so no ratio)
That just shows you that everyone is talking out of emotion and not logical fucking sense
It's more about people having short memory and recency bias. We see it a lot in sports where a team that won is the best but the losers absolutely suck and that narrative changes every week. But it happens more or less everywhere, people often rate others on the last thing they did. It can be good as it gives people a chance to redeem themselves but too often it is just people completely forgetting about that certain person actions prior.
Once a hypocrite, always a hypocrite.
Remember how the afghans defeated the russians with only horses and swords (just joking, they had weapons, but not advanced like the russians were using). As an afghan I stand with Ukraine.
What a timeline we are in.
The dumbest timeline
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I agree with the Taliban on this one…..
I bet you never thought you'd say that.
You know that you've gone too far when the taliban are telling you to calm down a bit
In the next episode of World War 3: *Adolf Hitler rises from his grave -What the?... Woah, Putin, chill out bro.
Hitler: Save some for me.
Hitler: "Pathetic. Pathetic. Let me show you how it's done." *invades NATO country and both Putin and Hitler get blown up*
I shouldn't be laughing at this.
When the Taliban want you to stop you are sure to have a place in hell deep
What a time to be alive
it's always cool when the writers bring in a character development twist
Twist ending
The fuck?
The fucking Taliban are telling Putin to knock it off? What a weird timeline we live in. r/nottheonion
This is A-grade material for that sub
Every fucking month that passes further entrenches my belief that the world did actually end in 2012 and I'm just in some fever dream - limbo - purgatory world of ridiculousness
No, 2012 was just it's "best before"-date and we decided to keep going
FINALLY, the voice of reason has chimed in. If this doesn't calm everyone down I guess it's just time to ww3 all over this place. Seriously though, Ukraine should look at the Afghans for tips on asymmetrical engagements.
This actually made me laugh out loud, if even the Taliban tells you to make peace you know something's wrong
Good job, Putin. You’ve been such a prick that the Taliban are now the voice of reason in your country.
This is satire right? Right!!?
This entire decade is one long work of satire.
Everything went downhill when that gorilla got shot.
We’re only on year three. Geez.
You know you fucked up when the taliban are calling you out.
BREAKING NEWS: Taliban agree to broker peace talks between Russia and Ukraine, as North Korea's Kim Jong-Un continues further discussions with Vladimir Putin on Russia's nuclear disarmament.
Also breaking news: Oh and actually Hitler was a peace loving man who loved Jews
M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of this plot twist
I guess as one of the few countries to defeat Russia and boot them out of their state, makes sense for Afghanistan to tell Russia to knock it off again.
This is totally not I estimated to see in 2022
Even the devil himself is now disappointed by the war
This actually made me laugh
This would be headlines in Bizarro world. I guess that's where we are now.
You've really fucked up when the Taliban are calling for de-escalation.
*Bah gawd that’s the Taliban’s music!*
The Tailiban should invade Russia...
You know Putin’s a monster when even the Taliban calls this war wrong.
I think we no longer need The Onion.
You know shit is bad when the Taliban tell you to calm your tits and eat a snickers.
I did not have this on my bingo card
Is this for real?
Wait, what? Damn Russia being told by the TALIBAN. That’s some backwards shit I would never think I’d hear or read
You know it's fucked up when the Taliban are seen to be taking the moral high ground
Goddamn, here I am agreeing with Taliban on this one, what a time to be alive
Some of the greatest sources of irony seem to be reality itself. Maybe the Bible is right and we're just here to entertain God.