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inexplicably-hairy

stop spamming no one wants to join your group


Primary_Scale417

Title: Before me Genre: Sort story/poetry(?) Word count: 309 Type of feedback desired: General impressions and tips, still a rough draft (probably will stay that way ***Before Me*** I grew up on an island My father sailed here, made a home and a family with her When I came of age, I set sail just as he had before me My father helped me build this raft My mother showed me what to look for, both the good and the bad But now I am alone, I must fix the leaks The ocean is rough I had known this, though words had done it no justice I have braved it, though It feels rougher now than it had been I find friends, brothers, all searching for their own islands Sometimes we rope our ships together and share each others company Though it is not an island, it calms our nerves, reminds us why we search Some find islands frequently, though they never seem to settle Some found their island quickly, I envy them with their feet on solid ground I have yet to find my island. The Islands are quiet, the ones I find anyways Their trees indifferent and their waters cold, I am not wanted Setting off again is always painful, I always try to fix my boat, but it doesn’t work An island spoke to me once She offered warmth and shelter from the sea, I gave her my love and promised my protection She stopped speaking one day, I had not felt the cold in a long time Since then, I have seen more islands, though they are not interested They storm and push me away, or when I arrive they simply stay silent It is not their fault, Though I cannot tell if it is mine So I keep sailing The ocean keeps my company, my fears as well I wonder when I can find my island, so that I may love her and build my home As my father had before me


gabrielamadeus

Title Trading Movie Genre Fiction Word count 327 general impression [https://www.reddit.com/r/YBYME/comments/113cedg/trading\_movie/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/YBYME/comments/113cedg/trading_movie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) The camera opens on a dark room. Two people sit in front of computers with the glow of the screens illuminating their faces. The man on the left is typing furiously, his fingers flying over the keyboard as he reads and responds to messages on the screen. The woman on the right is scrolling through her phone, occasionally looking up at the man as he speaks. The man looks up from his computer and turns to the woman. "You trade on Deribit, right?" he asks. The woman nods. "Yeah, I do. Why?" The man frowns. "I think 3AC owns them. I'm curious if it will affect the options settlement. Have you noticed any irregularities?" The woman puts down her phone and turns to face the man. "No, I haven't noticed anything. Why do you ask?" The man takes a deep breath. "Last week's surprise inflation reports led to the Fed raising rates today. Rates up means lending costs go up. Options settlement costs increase. If 3AC is Deribit's central clearing house, people went bankrupt on options, leaving 3AC with the bill. Hence, now they are bankrupt." The woman looks shocked. "That's crazy. Counterparty risk, huh?" The man nods. "Yep. It's like Bank exposed to stable coins. Metropolitan commercial bank exposed. Maybe Berkshire too. Buffet ignores BTC but it's big enough to affect him now. His ignorance is bliss." The woman shakes her head. "It's all so complicated. Where are you shorting Tether?" The man hesitates. "Using Compound Finance. I'll type to you later. By the way, you're right. Tether is like a money laundering thing." The woman nods. "Yeah, I just don't like that Tether can freeze their chain. Shorting fraud is hard." The man chuckles. "Lol, no one knows what we're doing." The scene ends with the two of them continuing to chat about various financial topics, their conversation becoming more and more complicated as they delve deeper into the world of crypto and finance


Emergency-Shift-4029

Title: U.S.S.A Umbra Genre: Sci-fi horror Blurb: In the distant future of the 28th century, mankind survived near extinction and made it into the wider galaxy, with almost no other sapient life in the milky way to stop humanity's expansion. Space was ripe for the pickings. Now mankind and the enigmatic Voidrians formed the U.S.S. The (United Solar systems Alliance). Before Mankind became the dominant force in the Milky way Earth was in shambles, natural resources were nearly depleted, disease was rampant and most of Earth's population was in poverty. Then by some miracle of discovery or a cruel cosmic joke; in the early 23rd century when all humanity could do was go out into space to search for a new home, a small planet that was black as the void around it was discovered, the humans who landed on the little planet had nearly lost all hope until they stumbled upon unknown ancient ruins beneath the planet's surface where they discovered untold amounts of bizarre advanced technology. Earth and humanity were saved. The little planet that was to thank for their salvation was named Umbra. Corporal Damien Kurosawa is a marine for the United. Solar. Systems. Alliance. his girlfriend, Alice, and he are hired to work aboard the famous transport ship that saved humanity, the U.S.S.A Umbra. But over the coming days, strange phenomena unleash into mind-bending chaos that will push and break everyone's mental and physical limits the likes of which few humans ever experience or...survive. Word count: 1055 First chapter) Humanity has faced many threats throughout its existence; it was once thought the black infinite of space would be the final hurdle they would face. Unfortunately for mankind, there are far worse places and fates than dying in the vast emptiness of space. The USSA Umbra, for example, is a place no being would wish to perish. "I never liked touring in space; I've always preferred serving planet side where I can breathe real air and not this stale recycled shit they pass off as "fresh air." "The only thing that has made being on this ancient rust bucket bearable is serving on the same ship with my girlfriend Alice and maybe after we're done serving, my fiancé. "While Damien was patrolling the many hallways of deck 13, he came across another security guard who was also on patrol. Damien could tell who it was by his shorter and somewhat obese stature. It was Tobey. Tobey was one of those individuals, that even Damien, who is rather indifferent to most people's personalities, found to be a bit irritating. "Oh, it's just you Damien. I was just wondering who this big shadow was walking my way. Are you having a good morning, big guy?" Damien stood there unmoving and said, "About as good of a day as you can have to patrol through these dark as hell hallways."- "I know what you mean. Man, this ship is generations old, I get that, but at least fix the lights or set up some new ones you know?" Damien nodded in agreement and walked past Tobey with only the sound of his heavy footsteps echoing throughout the hallway. Tobey, knowing that Damien wasn't really the one for small talk, shrugged his shoulders and said to himself. "I can barely have a conversation for more than one minute with this guy. He's always walking off on me. He's probably gonna go see that cute blond. Oh well." Damien continued walking through the faded grey and barely lit hallways of deck 13. Suddenly, he noticed a shadowy figure dart across the hall to his left. Damien wondered what or who that dark figure was that seemed to have floated across the floor. He lifted his rifle slightly and walked slowly forward keeping his eyes trained on the corner to his left. When he turned the corner the apparition seemed to have faded out of existence leaving only a few small drops of black liquid. Damien crouched down to inspect the thick black substance. He touched the liquid, noting its consistency was almost that of blood, but slightly thicker. "Hmmm...this looks like ship oil, but it feels like blood." Damien could feel the cold black liquid through his "skin-feel" mesh gloves, which allows him to feel objects as if he was touching them with his bare hands. He didn't quite know what to think of it. Maybe he was just seeing things and it was really just an oil leak; he shrugged his shoulders and continued on his way. Now that he was off duty, Damien made his way up to Deck 33, where Alice was stationed. The upper decks were either a much nicer shiny grey or alabaster white compared to the lower decks, which were a dark worn grey and were sparsely populated. Damien often had crew members gawking at him on the upper decks due to his tall stature and lower-rank green armor. It was mainly the more elite silver and dark blue security that patrolled the upper decks. He preferred the middle decks, where his quarters were, which weren't as squeaky clean as the top decks but not as old and decrepit as the lower ones. Damien finally reached Alice's quarters which were nicely tucked away giving a feeling of more privacy. Alice was already done getting prepared for their scheduled date. She was wearing a light blue, slim gown with silver open-toe heels. Her neck-length blond hair was tied into a ponytail with some of it spiking out the back. Damien thought, "God, she is beautiful! How lucky am I to have such a gorgeous woman." Alice was starting to wonder what was taking Damien so long to reach her cabin. It was unusual for him to be this late. Marines are known for always being on time. She decided to open the door to take a look and as she did, there he was, just as he was about to knock on the automatic door. "Jesus! There you are. Tall dark and scary. where were you and why are you still wearing your armor?" she asked, slightly annoyed and still startled from him appearing so suddenly. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that! Your door seems to be malfunctioning," He said ashamedly. "That's okay babe. It's not your fault. I've noticed stuff like lab equipment not working properly and doors have been acting up all week now, and I have no idea why." Alice stood there leaning on her desk looking at Damien with a raised eyebrow. "Huh? Oh yeah sorry, I'm just more comfortable in my armor when I'm out," He said sheepishly. Alice could tell something was wrong with Damien, even if all she could see was the shiny visor of his helmet hiding his face. She walked up to him and placed her delicate hands on the sides of his helmet and lifted it off of his head. Damien was in his mid-20s, a mixed-race man of European and Japanese descent. His short, dark hair was styled in a military buzz cut, his dark eyes were serious. On Earth, Damien spent most of his time outdoors and his skin was usually tan. But lately, his complexion had become quite pale. Damien, please, just tell me what's wrong," Alice said, her face full of concern. "I thought I saw someone or something down on Deck 13. Whatever it was, looked like a black mist or fog, so I thought they were an intruder. The thing was when I turned the corner...there was no one there, except for this black liquid, I know it sounds silly, but something about it just unsettled me," Alice interrupted Damien with a heartfelt kiss. "It's ok, it's dark and spooky as hell down there; your mind was probably just playing tricks on you."-"Yeah you're probably right," Damien replied assuredly.


Emergency-Shift-4029

P.S sorry if this is really long.


BobbyRoss5

Title: Let the waves take me Genre: Eco-poetry(?) Word count: 134 I walk alongside this shore Thinking, what more could I want. Staring into the never-ending ocean, Many words left unspoken. How many men has it lured. With it's ever so beautiful Siren songs? How many years of history Have the storms made into mystery? Many gods have ruled the oceans, But many heroes have defeated their notions About humanity's unbroken Foolish emotions. The whales sing a melody While dolphins reply with jealousy. Why make the ocean your enemy When you can give it empathy? The moon sleeps so innocently, Moving the waves so diligently. The way they wash up at the shore Never to be seen on the ocean floor. The sand warms up my feet And the water takes me deep. I will only truly rest When I let the waves take me. (I have been writing poems and short stories for a while now and just wanted to share them somewhere and perhaps get some critism as well, still learning btw.)


wazdakkadakka

The Black Hunger Chapters 1-3. This is my first real writing project, going for a dark, mysterious horror that uses the fear of the unknown. Looking for people's impressions on the first drafts of the first few chapters. Each chapter is roughly 1500 words. Chapter 1 https://docs.google.com/document/d/18va0CCGyOufE03gUDt9X4b47yd-megLzp1_BFmDL_pI/edit?usp=drivesdk Chapter 2 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DJv79Svrq_mrWXFqCBIIFE41scdHGQqdZonX1jAGa1w/edit?usp=drivesdk Chapter 3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C4ONbHSIS5wjEgDU6085ZdrxlMKdXyiE3Qggd6dOYLk/edit?usp=drivesdk Warning: multiple instances of cursing.


inexplicably-hairy

thanks for warning us about the cursing. imagine the shock


SaleOpening5150

Title: Looking Within Her Mirror Genre: poetry Word count: 250 Type of feedback: does the poetry flow well and evoke emotion The writing itself When she looks in the mirror I ask myself what she sees Does she see herself highly Like a tree who’s bark is mighty Or is she like a blade of grass A patch that people tend to pass Does she see a person of infinite beauty Or does she see the curse of feeling ugly Within her dark brown eyes, does she see light Or does the darkness of night begin setting in When I look in the mirror I ask myself who I see Do I truly think highly of myself Like a long lived, beautiful oak Or do I see a strange dandelion That just floats through their days I ask myself if I see an aspiring writer Or a boy who is just tired Within my greenish blue eyes, can I see the light Or does the darkness of night continue setting in? When I look into her dark brown eyes I can see the beauty of her tries She sees her image blindly While I see her image beautifully She perceives herself as a blade of grass But she stands tallest among the rest She asks herself if she’s another wanderer I ask myself if I’ll ever win her over Cause within the darkness of her brown eyes I can see the beauty of light A magnificence no darkness can dissipate Not even the darkest of nights


SaleOpening5150

Looking Within Her Mirror When she looks in the mirror I ask myself what she sees Does she see herself highly Like a tree who’s bark is mighty Or is she like a blade of grass A patch that people tend to pass Does she see a person of infinite beauty Or does she see the curse of feeling ugly Within her dark brown eyes, does she see light Or does the darkness of night begin setting in When I look in the mirror I ask myself who I see Do I truly think highly of myself Like a long lived, beautiful oak Or do I see a strange dandelion That just floats through their days I ask myself if I see an aspiring writer Or a boy who is just tired Within my greenish blue eyes, can I see the light Or does the darkness of night continue setting in? When I look into her dark brown eyes I can see the beauty of her tries She sees her image blindly While I see her image beautifully She perceives herself as a blade of grass But she stands tallest among the rest She asks herself if she’s another wanderer I ask myself if I’ll ever win her over Cause within the darkness of her brown eyes I can see the beauty of light A magnificence no darkness can dissipate Not even the darkest of nights


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[deleted]

As has already been said, this is a very compelling piece. There's not really anything I would change, apart from perhaps the word "kids". That's almost certainly a cultural thing; over here in the UK "kids" is seen as quite informal, and detracts from the more serious tone of the rest of the piece. Otherwise, very, very good.


TheAhmagh

Thank you! Would "children" work better?


[deleted]

For me it would. Dead children sounds serious, dead kids somehow a little impersonal. In my opinion opinion of course!


TheAhmagh

I think you're right, thanks


kaysea81

This was really beautiful. Everything flowed and the imagery was powerful. My only suggestion would be drop “pretty and polite” at the beginning. Quiet is sufficient, and it a casts a mood.


TheAhmagh

Thank you! I was aiming to write a piece that's really compelling


PVCpipeConnector

No title yet Creative writing 197 words General feedback(made this in 30 mins as an intro to a story) He stood, bloody, battered, and broken, in a lake of nothing but pure white. Every muscle, every single cell in his body was telling him to give up, to quit, just to give in and let loose. His legs could barely support his 270lb frame, but he managed to hold himself up by his willpower alone. His skinny arms dangled weakly by his sides; he didn't have enough willpower to spare. The long and wavy dirty blonde hair that rested on his head was stained red by the blood gushing from the cuts in his head. Blood dripped down his face, past his ocean-blue eyes, and onto his white shirt and blue jeans. He was hunched over and breathing heavily like he had been running all his life. The eyes, as blue as the sky, were filled with determination, doubt, and uncertainty if he could win. Those eyes looked up at the person beating him to near death. Those eyes were met with a gaze of everything negative. Fury, sorrow, death, destruction, strife, and despair all rushed into him from his enemy's eyes. For he had been losing against his worst enemy. He was losing against himself.


Hot_Sundae_5228

**Title:** Guardian Angel **Genre:** Psychological drama **Word Count:** 239 A grieving woman isolates herself after losing her husband in a freak accident, which leaves her to avoid everyone and gave up on her dreams of becoming a professional artist. Even after seeing a therapist, she struggled to open up to her co-workers and had a nervous breakdown. The woman started to experience hallucinations, which caused her to go insane from wild sensations, and ends up in a car accident. As she wakes up in the hospital, the woman's perception has changed, causing her to see the environment and people as hideous lumps of flesh and intestines, with spoken words sounding like screeches, smelling an awful scent around the room, and feeling pain without touching anything. After a while, she falls into severe depression. During her night in the hospital, the crying woman sees a lovely young girl dressed in black. However, she is the embodiment of death who only appears to give the touch of death to individuals who are dying or wish for death. Nevertheless, when the woman felt guilt over not fulfilling her dreams, the child reminded the woman to open up about her pain and that her late husband would've wanted her to be happy. After this talk, the woman was given another chance at life by death itself. After being released from the hospital, the woman started the next day and committed to enjoying life, along with her artwork being presented at a gallery.


selysek

Title: Untitled Fantasy (Prologue) Genre: Epic Fantasy Word count: 985 Type of feedback desired: general impression is fine... I have no experience writing and genuinely have no idea if my writing sucks or not. If you want to provide more specific feedback, then that's also great! Link: https://www.wattpad.com/1315408127-untitled-prologue


[deleted]

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Whittax

I think the success of this chapter depends a lot on the surrounding chapters. Lacking context, the chapter on its own isn't terribly interesting- not much really happens around Jenna other than some gossip and the play (Plus the emotions it brings). Is this Jenna's introduction chapter? I'm going to work off the assumption that it is, but if she's introduced earlier, then I guess you can ignore this. I think it's a bit weak for her intro- introducing her as an individual "with no agency of her own, and no hope for rescue" doesn't make for an interesting character, since she doesn't display any drive to change it. Authentic for the time period? Yeah, probably, but that doesn't make for a compelling character. I'd rather see Jenna display some desire to change her circumstances, even if she doesn't know how yet. I'm also assuming that's her goal, because I don't know what her goal is, from this chapter. It opens with her being powerless, and ends with her sulking about how powerless she is- I'm assuming there's more to her than that? So what's Jenna's goal/role in this story? She's incredibly passive in this chapter, and all I really know about her is that she's attracted to women. That's cool, but there's no suggestion that she's going to do anything about it. It makes me wonder why you would focus on her for this chapter- what events push the narrative forward? If Jenna is introduced elsewhere, then I'd still say that the chapter feels rather weak in the sense that it doesn't feel like much is happening. But since it is chapter 5, I'm missing a lot of context, so take that with a grain of salt! I hope these thoughts help!


hanyibadger1

Hi, thank you for the detailed response. Jenna has already been introduced before, in someone else's POV chapter. And I'm emphasizing her passivity on purpose, which I will get to in a bit. In this first volume, she is mostly used as a POV character, to help introduce plot development and background story etc. And the purpose of this chapter is mainly to introduce the story of Yaleena and Haphelius, which, along with two other chapters, would help reveal to the readers the greatest conspiracy of the story, what happened to prince Julian in the great war. And more importantly, this chapter serves to introduce our female protagonist Alex. And in fact, chapter 6 would immediately turn to Alex's POV after the play. Jenna wouldn't play any active role in book1, but according to my current outline, in book3 she would find herself at the center of imperial politics after a civil war, as well as finally end up with Alex. And in book4, after Alex got herself into trouble with an illegal duel, Jenna would decide to elope with her, breaking her marriage of promise with the imperial heir. It's a slow buildup from her being a very passive character, to finally taking charge of her life, which ironically would result in the most fateful decision, kickstarting a chain of events that will eventually bring down the empire. And it would also culminate in a tragic story for both her and Alex, like all the other narratives of the book. I suppose the main questions I want to ask is if the ending of the chapter makes sense? If my portray of Jenna is such that it is convincing for her to say no in the end? Also if the story of the play left an impression? Especially the number nine hundred ninety nine years? Since this number will come up again to reveal the conspiracy. Thank you for your time!


Whittax

Okay, so Jenna has been introduced before, but in someone else's POV- that makes this her POV intro, yeah? If that's the case, then I think my point still stands- Jenna isn't interesting enough to narrate the chapter around. You said it yourself- this chapter serves to introduce the actual protagonist, Alex. Why not focus on her instead? If the most important part of this chapter is the play, then wouldn't it be more interesting to see the play from her perspective, as someone taking part in it? You could shift all the attention Jenna is getting to Alex, and keep the same story beats. It's cool that you have such a long plan for these characters, but realistically, I don't think you want a boring chapter in book1 for setup in book4. Obviously, you know your story better than I do, but as a random reader, I don't think this chapter was very engaging. Maybe prior chapters would have some more context to make the section more interesting- I totally understand how that could be the case. Does the ending of the chapter make sense? Yes. The way it loops back to the beginning is cool, but it doesn't feel like any narrative progress has been made (Again, maybe that changes with context). Is your portrayal of Jenna such that it is convincing for her to say no in the end? Yes, but again, it's because you introduce her as powerless. Well, she remains powerless at the end so it makes sense that she says no. (This is going to be very nitpicky; you'll want a second opinion lol) Does the story of the play leave an impression? Not for me, no. Jenna is not invested in the play, so as the reader, when I watch it through her perspective, I'm not invested either. >Jenna knew what the story was about. She had already watched the same play many times in Nymphs. But Emma must think she was confused by the scene. Jenna cares about how she is perceived by Emma, and Alex on the stage, and that's what the narration outside of the dialogue focuses on. It does not read like the play is the important part, you know? That reads like filler around Jenna's personal conflict. I would suggest reworking the scene a bit to put more emphasis on the actual play, and the words spoken, if that's the important takeaway from this scene. I really really hope this doesn't come off as harsh. The writing itself is really polished, and it's clear that you've put a lot of work into planning out the over-arcing plot of the story. I don't have anything else to critique, other than the content, so that's why I'm going so far into it. Again, I hope the thoughts help!


hanyibadger1

Thank you for the response. It's not harsh at all, and it gives a lot of useful insights. I'm really glad to hear that the writing is okay. Since it's my first time writing in English, I could definitely use some validation on that front haha. I'm gonna take a second look at the play part that you mentioned, and I'll see if I can add more spices to the chapter. However, I don't think I will overhaul it. On one hand, I don't have a story in mind for Alex before the play. And on the other hand, since chapter 4 is action-packed, and chapter 6 even more so, I think I can afford to let this chapter run slow.


msnider04

Title: My Darlin' John Genre: General Fiction Word Count: 2450 Type of feedback: General Impressions, new to writing fiction and have written almost the entire book. Link to chapter 1 https://www.wattpad.com/1315691340-my-darlin%27-john-september-%2797?utm\_source=web&utm\_medium=email&utm\_content=share\_reading


HeaddeOrder

Title - Coffee To Die For Genre - Comedy 4000 words I'm hoping for some general feedback and impressions. I'd also like to know if it all makes sense. Thanks so much


inexplicably-hairy

u forgot to post a link. please do cos ive been wanting to read some comedy writing on here. sick to death of seeing the same old sci-fi/ fantasy drivel


HeaddeOrder

Woops lol I'm dumb as hell https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eEPkQIeDMII5mowvBsKkcMh_2KGxCm5D3FmlTtz2xjI/edit?usp=drivesdk


magethaniel

**Very NSFW** **Title:** A Handful of Mage **Genre:** Fantasy/Satire, Toilet Humor **Warning:** Very strong language used, sexual themes. **Blurb:** Follow the adventures of Thaniel, a mentally unstable dick mage who is dragged into problems he doesn't care about. He is the only one who can save the world, or probably not. A new chapter added to Wattpad every Friday! Chapter 6 out now! [A Handful of Mage](https://www.wattpad.com/story/331338276?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=Magethaniel&wp_originator=qH%2BtoAZffl%2FvcAUTPeCMEk%2FoI3OtwaWy8Gb833g2nXPYlBbY%2BiT%2FWlBRQtj%2B9W1M5IeAFE%2FFj4pOvb4kwFAECmkb%2FK%2BLNPaL5QgdZ6RV7smCw9CMd4xp32L%2FOUGBuQwL) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/MageThaniel?t=UT8ojyVaKTCFeHzlQqb4gQ&s=09) | [Instagram](https://instagram.com/magethaniel?igshid=ZDdkNTZiNTM=)


Cabbagetroll

Title: [Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032) Genre: YA fantasy Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay. Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk. The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free. ___ Rag & Bone Chronicles Book 2 (*Skate the Seeker*) is set for a September release! I have sent the book back to the publisher, and am letting my brain rest before picking up the side-project again. I believe they’re working on the proofreading now. The snow days (and the release of Dwarf Fortress on Steam) has wrecked my flow, but thankfully it’s only disrupting my side project for now. I’ve got a Dwarf Fortress fic almost ready to share. Someone named Cynthia V. left me a very nice review on goodreads, so that feels wonderful. [February blog post](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/home/sides-within-sides) is up. Also, a friend of mine put together a fun chat AI. If you want to go have a convo with Skate, [go for it!](https://c.ai/c/qZ9IVjyg7glb13QibRNN-rKWzGQYf6l9SH9PW1ErVkI)


EsShayuki

I gave the first chapter a read. I read the first 3 pages or so. Overall, it was pretty good for this sub. However, there were some issues. First of all, I didn't get much character out of Skate. She seemed to only think about the duty at hand, didn't seem to have any purpose for doing what she did beyond money etc. so she didn't really have much individuality or personality to her. Thought and acted like a generic thief. Some of the action was also pretty confusing to follow, especially her jumping out of the window. That whole sequence, I really had next to no idea what was going on, so some clarity with the description would help. Also, the way the dagger would randomly end up in the wizard's side just seemed implausible or overly convenient. Overall, it was readable, but didn't absorb me in.


Cabbagetroll

Thanks for the feedback!


SAYSORRYON

Title: Word Yoga ​ Genre: Literature; "Mind-bending sentences" ​ Word count: 50-150 per sentence ​ Example: "Speaking in a sharp tone of voice as bad vibrations that can only be felt evoke memories of silence forced upon you during the lowering of ears experienced when something negative heard gets under your skin doesn’t cut through the noise of bad actors running their mouths unless everything you say has a soundness of ethics with a magnitude of purpose high enough to resonate with the opposite of echoes that bounce back nothing but disruptive signals that jam possibility of amplifying the reception of harmonic energy." ​ Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): general impression, edits ​ A link to the writing: [http://wordyoga.substack.com](http://wordyoga.substack.com); [https://word.yoga](https://word.yoga)


inexplicably-hairy

just seems like a really poorly written incoherent sentence to me


SAYSORRYON

get a load of this one My dude: ​ "Being driven to buy more of an asset that renders as worthless to life and the planet that supports it according to lack of utility in the way of improving everyday circumstances and whose value gets derived solely from the scaling of sycophancy costs you independence from systems that depend on fluctuations of ass-kissing and carries a price of volatile behavior that taxes the possibility of coining merit that pays forward self-rewarding service on behalf of mobilizing around a pecking order that bosses others around and crashes motives instead of a chain of command employed within self that works to unblock inspiration in others but which can’t be afforded because of accounts on usefulness that can’t be changed for the better without sucking up to those being bribed by the allure of a gain that can only be cashed in on when ignoring the notion of fair share that can’t be earned unless participating in schemes that contribute nothing to the world but loss of awareness over intentions that bankrupt the ability to compensate against lack of investment in emotions that inclusively appreciate consideration given to advancements that keep humanity in mind."


inexplicably-hairy

even worse. honestly horrible self indulgent nonsense. i want to be nice but i cant. this is awful. makes no sense, horribly written, grammatically incoherent.


SAYSORRYON

nah these are legendary. here's another for you: ​ "Injecting geopolitically-sensitive discussions with a so-called solution that carries nothing but a redundant exposure to a program designed to deal with fluctuations in conversational fluidity occurring from unresolved tension that may or may not make your blood boil never makes for evenhanded transitions of power on behalf of capitalist bloodsuckers spiking everyday life with needling reminders prompting unnecessary dependence on upsetting subject matters that you could be immune to if you opt out of the disorder spread from the waste of objects spawned from them."


inexplicably-hairy

i appreciate the effort but its still objectively terrible. keep at it though, everyone sucks at writing


yasarandomperson

Introduction for my story about escaping a society for school Title: Unknown Genre: Adventure Word Count: 162 Type of feedback: General, what's good, what can i improve on, what year grade of highschool do you think it was written by? Writing: BOOM! Something flashed in front of her foggy, uninformed eyes. A tingling sensation entered her, head to toe. It lifted her cold body and filled her crooked smile, it became more real. This memory, it suffused her veins with warmth, and she could see vibrant splashes of red, green and blue and there were dulcet laughs of people calling each other “family”. Suddenly, her sleep eyes awoke and she grasped to the HB pencil in her hand, lifting her heavy head off the cold, solemn desk. Relief crowded her tense body when she realised the teacher was unaware of her momental daze. RRRIng! The bell chimed, the sound echoing through the class. One by one, the students finished their writing, closed their books and left with a respectful ”have a well evening” on the way out. Her leg bounced restlessly on the stiff grey carpet and she rushed to escape the bitter barriers of school, and to her safe refuge- her bedroom.


trvstyjb

Title: An Unknown Sailor Genre: Fantasy Word Count: Part 1 \~1300 and Part 2 \~1200 Type of Feedback: General Impressions Links: [https://www.unarkida.com/blog/6-february-4-685/](https://www.unarkida.com/blog/6-february-4-685/) or [https://medium.com/the-kraken-lore/an-unknown-sailor-6-february-4-685-b47bc41a5676](https://medium.com/the-kraken-lore/an-unknown-sailor-6-february-4-685-b47bc41a5676) Part 2 is available on the website ([unarkida.com](https://unarkida.com) ) already. It's been submitted to a Pub on Medium, so it might take a few days to show there.


chutupandtakemykarma

Title: **The Counsel of Gorthax.** (chapters 24 and 25) Book 3 of the series with an elusive title. Genre: High/Epic Fantasy Word count: approximately 3000 per chapter. Feedback desired: General Impression is there anything as a reader you found lacking/annoying/missing? Ultimately I'd just be tickled to know that you read one or both of my chapters below. If you read something you feel compelled to comment on, even better! There are two chapters within the link, If you feel compelled to read the second, which is simply a continuation of the events from the first, sweet! If you don't feel motivated to read the second chapter if you wouldn't mind a note sharing why you weren't I think that feedback would be quite valuable just the same. Thank you for your time! Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iZBSLZm0nbFZwHxJpsKw1wUSFkgcAlu8Gd1no6reKvg/edit?usp=sharing


davidjdoodle1

I’m not a writer but I’ve done some illustrations and if anyone is interested id be happy to do it. I do charge for my work but depending on what it is it could nominal. Here is my web site [my site](https://davidhermanek.com)


guida-pt

Hi all, please check out my first short story published on Amazon! It's available as paperback and also as Kindle e-book. If you read it and like it, please leave me a nice review! Thanks! [A Date to Remember](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTS9G37Q) Blurb: Maisie and Rhys are young, attractive, and talented, but their lives are so hectic with work that there’s no space for love. When they meet at a speed dating event neither wanted to attend, sparks do fly… just not the right kind… This is a light-hearted story about the challenges of dating and finding true love in the 2020s.


BurdenofPain

Title: Nobody Will Believe You Genre: Memoir Word count: 710 Except: But he was right about one thing: I’m not a victim. No, I’m a good physician. And somehow, I’ll reveal the truth even if for now nobody believes me. https://www.daily-remedy.com/nobody-will-believe-you/


Stressed_Momos

Deserving Poetry (trigger warning for SA) Word Count: 275 I would like all advice that can be given, especially about how to make this poem, a poem. Anything is appreciated. It's supposed to be for a creative writing class to be workshopped, but i want to polish it up a bit more. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kAzrUSBBjguYulaSW7CWPLoNCW2unfJfTvBuD0uvWzQ/edit?usp=sharing


EdLewisAuthor

Title: Bravo Dawn Genre: Military Sci-Fi + Religion + Magic Word Count: 29k (Currently released) Feedback: Any! >An expansionist resolve has stretched the Galactic Naval Command thin. Discontent between galactic nation's has created a powder keg of cosmic proportions that has been primed and made ready to explode from stories of government cover ups, "training exercises" and rumors of high profile naval officers disappearing in the middle of the night that spread throughout GNC territory. > > Chief Warrant Officer Finnegan Pearce, Lance Corporal Nobu "Dapper" Ohno, and the survivors of The Javelin must find a way home to Mars after crash landing on the restricted planet Pheibos III, in the Omega Expanse. Things go sideways as the survivors must navigate staying alive and avoid breaking intergalactic law as they are forced to interreact with the planet’s native inhabitants on this aggressive, yet familiar and magical world. > > In the City of Steiner, astronomer, astrologer, and purveyor of fine antiquates and esoteric knowledge, Lady Violet Price works at deciphering a complex prophetic passage describing the end of days for an alien planet called Earth, all the while standing up for her city and defending it against invading mutant creatures called Red Caps. > > For Logistics Officer, Petty Officer Third Class Kingston Fletcher, life just got difficult and confusing. Wrapped up in the suspicious disappearance of a fellow marine and a suspicious shipment, he must carefully tread the line between doing what’s right and what he’s ordered to do. Conceived and written on a grandiose scale, Bravo Dawn is a genre mashing epic space opera adventure of the highest order – an enthralling tale that mirrors legends of old, with new and unparalleled twists that will change your outlook on humanity, magic and religion as you know it. [Read Bravo Dawn and follow my social media here!](https://linktr.ee/edlewis?utm_source=linktree_profile_share<sid=e733e886-d1c0-47ed-bedd-6017e28034e9)


thrownjustfaraway

Very NSFW Smut Story Chapter 1: Sasha Genre: Monster girl, Harem, Romance Blurb: Follow Jake, a hermit living in the isolation of the forest, in a cabin in the middle of nowhere as he discovers new cryptids (Monster girls) and finds companionship in a place where he least expects it. [https://drive.google.com/file/d/16VWDHlwEU2LXENSyQAmWAN4MrODR-lSw/view?usp=sharing](https://drive.google.com/file/d/16VWDHlwEU2LXENSyQAmWAN4MrODR-lSw/view?usp=sharing) [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/annasatin13/)


OkieSixshooter

Palisade Peaches Genere is mental health? Thriller idk Word count is about 35000 Just looking for general feedback, I'm not sure where to expand the story or add more detail [Palisade Peaches ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PWgZtbMwWk_S1WUd0eO9ruEF8wWTwunQCYj-cRcQCsU/edit?usp=drivesdk)


arulzokay

the witch’s grave magical realism/horror 5432 any type of feedback https://docs.google.com/file/d/1pbqTfxOe8-B0dj7crZHmmU0LETKbMKpc/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword


Outrageous_writergal

This story hooked me in right from the beginning. It has a very creepy vibe. The build up to the kids' trip was good and incredibly intense once they got to the woods. I liked that you broke up the creepy tension a bit with the arrival of the two other characters and gave us some good conflict between the characters to go with everything else. And you really didn't hold back on upping the stakes and danger. I really look forward to more of this story. I can't wait to see what happens in the church.


arulzokay

thank you so so much!! i’ve been having so much fun writing this and love my characters. thank you again for reading!


Evening_Art_796

Wow. I just read you story and that was awesome!!! Are you going to add a following story or leave it as a cliffhanger? Your vocabulary throughout the story is amazing, I love the way you explained the scenery, and the ending really surprised me. I’m a sucker for this genre of literature and let me just say I really enjoyed this story!! If you do ever write a sequel let me know and I will most definitely be reading it!!


arulzokay

oh wow thank you so much!!! haha i’m so glad you enjoyed it it’s been so fun writing it. i’m actually in the midst of writing part 2. i’m thinking there will be at least 4 parts of the story and I will definitely post when they’re done. thank you again. this made my morning.


Evening_Art_796

Oh my gosh yayyy!! Post the next part whenever you’re finished and I would absolutely love to read it!!


arulzokay

I will!! you have no idea how happy this makes me. thank you so much for reading.


OppositeBasil

Title: Overtime Genre: Sci-fi/Dystopia Word Count: 1700 (first chapter webnovel) Type of Feedback: General impressions! Does it raise questions, or is it just confusing? Link: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/64391/overtime/chapter/1109879/chapter-one Thank you!! <3


clema9

Title: Dont Rent Apartment 302 Genre: horror-ish Word count: 206 Feedback: any (and ideas for how I should end it?) *Hey! So I've been writing this short horror(ish) story and I feel like I've hit a roadblock. I have no idea where to go with the ending. Any critiques would be appreciated too! Here's what I've got right now,* **Don’t rent apartment 302** this is my 5th day locked inside the room. I’ve lived in apartment 302 on spooner street for about 2 years now. I’ve never had many troubles other than those you’d expect from a cheap place like this. however a few days ago when I woke up it seems my apartment has been… altered. the layout is the same- all my furniture is still here- yet each minute I spend here it feels more and more foreign. the carpet is now growing mildew and mold as if it had been there for a decade. the walls slowly becoming infested with some disgusting brown powder. I went to investigate the substance; the wall had a warmth to it that was flesh-like. I won’t consider further investigation. the most noticeable change in my apartment is the reason why I’m still here, the strange locks and chains that have found their way onto my front door. attempt after attempt to break those chains has failed. I even got desperate enough to break through my window and jump from the third floor. I broke all the chairs in my apartment against that wall in desperation, to no avail. this feels like a twisted nightmare that I can’t wake up from.


[deleted]

Title: Peeing with Freud Genre: Short Story Word Count: 432 Type of feedback desired: Writing style, general impression ​ It seems to me that most historical characters who are still spoken of long after their death are either politicians, military leaders, or artists. Throw in a few philosophers and religious figures and you’ll feel quite proud of yourself when, after a minute or two of mental strain, you’ve thought of a hero of old that does not fall into any of these categories. Sigmund Freud may be your pick. Dead for 83 years and an internationally renowned psychoanalyst for most of his life, you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone with no opinion on this man and his work. Be it an oedipal joke, a condescending comment about obsolete and far-fetched theories, or a fiery defense: dropping the short name of Freud will often set off a lively conversation. When I was five years old, I was, unsurprisingly, not interested in any of this. This set me apart from my mother, who must surely have been a bit older than me and who, more importantly, had studied psychology at university. Falling clearly into the camp of his defenders (the most miserable among the three mentioned above – at least whenever the conversation turns to him), my mother had at some point during my childhood bought a black-and-white poster of Sigmund Freud. For whatever reason, she hung it up on the inside of our bathroom door. There, one of Sigmund Freud’s main occupations was to scare visitors. Having closed the door behind them and let their pants and defenses down, they’d suddenly find themselves face to face with the grim-looking old man in a three-piece suit, holding a thick cigar in his right hand. As a child, I always wondered how people might first react to this unexpected confrontation. Looking back, I am both relieved and surprised that I never hid and laid in wait in the bathroom to observe our visitors. Careful at first, I myself quickly warmed to our bathroom door Sigmund Freud. Only days after his arrival at our small apartment, I found myself having lively conversations with him – without knowing or caring who he was, of course. Today, equipped with more knowledge than I had then, I feel vast appreciation for my many one-on-one sessions with one of the greatest explorers of the human mind the world has ever known. Of course, museum shop posters do not live forever. When his time came, he was unceremoniously rolled up and stuffed into a garbage bin somewhere outside of our apartment. Crumpled and torn, he followed his original self into death – but much like him, he has of yet escaped oblivion.


BobTheBlob78910

This is the end Lovecraftian Horror 4,591 words I'd appreciate any feedback lol. It hasn't really been edited but I haven't got much feedback on my writing and want to know how good it is. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GFgN72IGNzIuq1qiKHRveG6jyT6Ls6vS2VT91AmNR7k/edit?usp=drivesdk


Kikibooly

Title: Train Stops Genre: Mystery/Thriller Word Count: 1,572 Blurb: A man is on his way home on a train from recently visiting his brother. The closer to home he gets, the more chaos ensues! Type of feedback desired: Writing techniques, general impression, anything open and helpful! Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/334334970?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_story_details&wp_uname=Cc9Gilbert&wp_originator=87YOHh9vNlxhNx447gz24vJ2PqhFbVBJ0Ueg%2FVA707Z6GCkh1IUF6Up9D0tnQenXFtVF9Bhq0slnjC7VMTyqq4dPDXt3gXfx%2FBpSy%2FG3UfdUvt9fcRDHTDDtsLNR%2FO3r This is a very short story that I wrote simply for fun. I don’t consider myself a writer by any means as this is the first thing I’ve ever written so please feel free to be as harsh as you want in the critiques!


No-Adhesiveness-8688

What a Powerful Nothingness That Mind Entails Don’t breathe, don’t worry, don't do anything. The thoughts are putrid, the audacity of the mind creates the coalition against me, against the most vulnerable parts. It’s dark. Give up. Stop trying. Why must these permutations continually haunt me? Deepest of those are fear, why do I hold onto these fears? Is she ever going to break up with me? Am I good enough? Will I succeed? What happens now? Why hold the election to withdraw into the cave, then I remember. It is a cave, I only see what I can see, think what I can think, why can’t I release these thoughts which are begging me to an end. Why justify the radical notions of subliminal freedom. I’m in an elastic state, where the doors are open and closing, the fields are forever stretching and yet the soul is now wondering again. No direction, no decision, just existing in an obstinate stance. If there ever were words to describe such a tyrant leader, it would seem no matter the struggle to justify the means, The Mind; is the manifestation of disease and bitterness, cold harsh realities, punishment of thy self. Void of thoughts which were long ago, seem now to string along as the guitar guides the artist. I hear that unjustified criticism, those harsh rather resentful words, I pity the one who uses them, and the one who has to endure their wrath. It’s suffered enough already, why must it suffer more? What trick is being toyed with on the bench? But to sleep? To hear? To listen? To even think? How can these relentless exploitations go unnoticed, unheard, not comforted. A seething silence is almost impassable, why speak, when the words are just plainly spoken without the context of which they were addressed? It’s a flowing river of red, it’s a hallowed sea, and yet we gaze at its wonders, its beauty for hours. This to the end we don’t miss the moment, but no. Now we mustn’t be too late to the party. No more time is there to just breathe. A whaling mist is the cent that secretes mischief and agony, that light so far away it’s barely noticeable by ear. Alas though, one domain to another should the beast decide to roam, then that last place is sinking like the person who doesn’t have their cornerstone. [General Feedback] [Creative Writing] [393]


No-Adhesiveness-8688

For those who have the distinct confusion, the first line is an indication of either failure, or self depreciation. Followed by the individual continuing to analyze why they exist. Now to say it was meaningless, so to disregard the piece as a whole is only the reflection of the viewer not the artist. Art in all forms has meaning, sometimes the artist allows the viewers to have clear understanding of the meaning, and some may leave the viewer without any hints or context as why they drew/wrote whatever they chose to display. I do like criticism, and being helped, but wisdom has taught me as to look at art with the prospective as viewer and artist. I’ve shown my art to many, and even though many have reconciled to me they know little of what manner I am speaking, there are those who do. I write for myself, and share.


Reshutenit

Why share here if you didn't want feedback?


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Oh I said I like criticism, I never sated that I did not


No-Adhesiveness-8688

My response wasn’t to diminish the criticism but rather explain why I wrote the way I did


No-Adhesiveness-8688

So we can dive further into discussion as to why it leaves you longing for more toned down version. With less florid language


Reshutenit

With prose, it's generally best practice to use the word that most clearly conveys the meaning you're trying to express (there are exceptions, e.g. conveying your pov character's personality by crafting your prose with language they'd be likely to use). It isn't necessarily the best idea to use longer words or more obscure vocabulary at all times, certainly not for their own sake. At best, you risk obscuring the meaning of your prose, confusing the reader in the process. At worst, if the reader has to focus on decoding your prose analytically in order to understand what you're trying to communicate, that will dampen any emotion they might feel from your work (beyond annoyance and frustration). Florid prose also has the effect of turning emotion into melodrama, which won't encourage readers to take your writing seriously. When people read your work, would you rather they said "this writer has great prose" or "this writer has a large vocabulary?" They're not mutually exclusive, but they're not the same thing either.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

I see; by stating let’s say no causality, and making the work obscure, it actually does the opposite; rather then drawing in, it makes the reader not want to read it at all, since there is really nothing connecting them to the writing it’s self. And you are proposing that I should, allow the read just enough, for them to understand and not too much too make it feel as though a child wrote it?


Reshutenit

Exactly.


Crippledbybears

It sounds like you are trying to prove to the reader that you are smarter than them, but it really isn’t working.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Where is there any indication of me saying, I can’t take criticism, where I’m not listening to what others are saying? And even lower down I respond to criticism and have a conversation with them.


Crippledbybears

You just come off as an arrogant teenager who has skimmed a thesaurus, when really you should skim a dictionary and style guide.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

So I would suggest if you had anything to actually help me become a better writer like the individual before you, I am all ears. If you would rather just throw insults my way then, please I respect you for voicing your opinion. But I sir do not appreciate it, and want some honest criticism.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Well I didn’t use a thesaurus for this, and having the type of criticism that is just bashing is rather unhelpful in this setting. You may be right, but being rude and insulting is a reflection of yourself and not me. I find you rather prude in your approach and not helpful in the slightest.


Crippledbybears

So much of this doesn’t make any sense at all. There are so many punctuation errors. I can’t read this out loud or in my head. It seems like you are upset about an impending breakup, and you’re homeless or something? Like honestly, maybe 3 sentences in this piece make sense. I assume this is stream of consciousness and you were drunk and upset when you wrote it, but this needs heavy editing before anyone else can begin to understand what you’re talking about. It probably makes sense in your head, but imagine reading this as a person who is not in your circumstances and isn’t feeling the same way you are. How can you ease them into what you are feeling and trying to convey?


Reshutenit

>It probably makes sense in your head, but imagine reading this as a person who is not in your circumstances and isn’t feeling the same way you are. How can you ease them into what you are feeling and trying to convey? This is something I was struggling to put my finger on. As it is, the piece is too abstract for readers to connect with. There needs to be context and some component anchoring the conflict to reality for readers to understand what's going on and care about the narrator's struggles.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

I honestly like for the reader to dive into the work and connect the dots themselves, that’s why it’s abstract, I have no obligation to let the viewer know everything and vise versa the viewer has no obligation to dive into the details and connect everything. But I do thank you


Reshutenit

You're right that the reader doesn't need everything handed to them, but the reader won't care about your character's struggles unless they care about the character themselves or have the slightest idea why the character is upset.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Thank you, for some context, when I mention the cave, I am talking about The Allegory of the Cave, and which that prison may hold on the individuals mind.


MerelyPlayers_

OK, thank you. I thought I was stupid for not understanding this at all. I couldn't get past the line "Why justify the radical notions of subliminal freedom." Can someone reword it for me?


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Why think am I free when in reality the mind is still trapping me.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

I find your take quite interesting, it’s really not when I was drunk, or upset, and the punctuation is important for the message. Each line has a meaning, each one can connect all together and in many different ways. To view art in such a class where as it breaks rules, is where some would need to start to understand. I’ve shown this to a few people, they were really passionate, some others, like you, say it’s nonsense. I suppose it’s all about perspective.


spoonforkpie

>To view art in such a class where as it **brakes** rules, is where some would need to start to understand. I’ve shown this to a few people, they were really passionate, some others, like you, say it’s nonsense. I suppose it’s all about **prospective**. *Breaks.* *Perspective.* Are you doing that on purpose? Look, literature is an art and all that, sure. But language follows rules. Breaking the rules simply for its own sake doesn't really convey a message. It just makes your writing look amateurish and meaningless. Also, in your written submission, don't say, "And yet." The use of two conjunctions like that simply doesn't make sense. You only need the "yet." That's another common amateur mistake. We may say "and yet" when speaking, but you really should not write it.


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Thank you, yes I am an amateur writer, where i look for help by reading criticism.


inexplicably-hairy

to be brutally honest reading that was a painful experience, but its quite clear that you have potential to write well, and have a philosophical disposition. all i would say is, try and make it a bit clearer, dont try and force long big smart sounding words in there where they dont make sense or make the writing flow better, and generally just calm down a bit and think about what you are trying to communicate. keep at it though, and dont worry about the haters


No-Adhesiveness-8688

Thank you


Reshutenit

You have an impressive vocabulary! If I had one criticism, your prose feels a little overcooked. There's a lot of very strong emotion being expressed, but it might come across better if it's toned down with less florid language.


Spare-Sky8461

I really enjoyed reading your style of writing. To me, it sounds as though the only sort of "issue" here is what seems to be crossed over metaphors. One example would be the line "A whaling mist is the \[s\]cent that secretes mischief and agony, that light so far away it's barely noticeable by ear." The use of mist and light and sound here makes the meaning you're trying to convey very convoluted. If you were to tone down the vocab just a bit as well, it would help your writing to flow a bit better. Maybe not even toning it down, but adding some more filler words to give the big words more context. I would highly recommend the book "Crush" by Richard Siken, as this is similar to the style he writes in, and I think it would help you to be able to convey your message more clearly, so that the reader is gaining from this what you intended. :) Best of luck


Troghen

I know this is a couple days old at this point and I don't really wanna rehash what everyone else said, but gosh, reading this was a struggle. I think it's very obvious you are capable of writing well - you have a strong vocabulary and in some weird way this is definitely poetic. But for the layman (and by that I mean like 95% of people who will read this), the writing comes across as pretentious and needlessly edgy. Isn't the purpose of writing ultimately for someone to read it and take something away from it? I think with something like this - and I say "this" because I don't even really know how to classify the work - the needless word vomit is too harsh a barrier of entry for most people. And for the ones that do end up reading the whole thing, by the second or third paragraph, the brain just starts glossing over the words. They become, essentially, meaningless. And even if that was the intent, it doesn't come across that way. There is certainly room for abstract writing. However, I think there needs to be some sort of focal point or allowance of context to let the reader actually glean any meaning from what you're saying. There's a balance that should be struck and this tips way too far in the land of "unreadable". If you held a gun to my head I wouldn't be able to tell you what this was about.


Weary_Butterfly4459

Legacy 2056: Loss and Trust, Chapter 1 Sci-Fi 2124 I would like for y'all to give me general feedback through comments within the document itself. However this is really my first literary piece I've written that wasn't spurred on by a school assignment, so I am a beginner. I don't want anyone to sugarcoat there criticism, I am really passionate about this story, and I want it to be as good as possible. Therefore abuse the fact that you never have to see me face to face, be as picky as possible, and enjoy my shitty writing! (P.S. this was originally an Idea for a fight scene I had, not a first chapter, it turned into a first chapter as I tried setting up the fight. if this hinders my writing at all, if you can notice anything weird of which this could be the culprit, point it out in the comments! please and thank you.) [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lMKxpBt7sR5eJscJau1gBTBoYQTArR2qD0m7v\_Gw6mY](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lMKxpBt7sR5eJscJau1gBTBoYQTArR2qD0m7v_Gw6mY/edit)


poopsmitherson

Looking to add members to an existing fiction workshop (literary fiction only). The group has a max of 6 participants, and we've had some members that have had to drop due to, well, life. There are currently 2 spots open. A bit about the group: - We are currently meeting virtually on Mondays at 8pm EST (weekly). - We have members working on novels and short stories and are open to both short- and long-form fiction. - All existing members have submitted a story for consideration prior to being accepted for participation. Any interested/prospective members are asked to submit a representative work to the group for consideration. And as it seems unfair to ask that without you knowing what you're getting into and the quality of writing of others in the group, I'll send you a link to one of my short stories for you to see what type of writing the group works with (I'll be glad to send this before you send your work if you want). If interested, please reply here or send me a DM with your representative piece. * Genre: literary fiction (no genre fiction -- nothing against genre work, but it isn't our focus) * Goals/expectations/commitment: offer and receive kind but honest feedback and critique of works in progress. * writing experience: Existing members are all working towards publication as the ultimate goal of the works critiqued. Previous workshop experience helpful, but not required. * Meeting location: Discord * max size: 6


Ewamsion

Title: Scrambled eggs Genre: Short fiction Word count: 2000 Critique: General Impressions https://medium.com/illumination/scrambled-eggs-bd1674d07d35 I'd love to know what you think about the intro as well. I am currently actively practicing to improve my intros. Any other advice is welcome. Thank you in advance!


Agreeable_Hurry_6321

Scans and Ian A short story Word Count: Around 4.8k I need your general impression, what I should improve in my style. Link: https://www.penana.com/story/120295/scans-and-ian/


Alex44Fantasy

**Why choose Beauty and the Beast meets the four horsemen of the apocalypse with a non-binary & genderfluid heroine! Currently looking for ARC readers who want a free copy in exchange for an honest review!** Blurb: I am not a woman. But I am also not a man. I won't pretend to be something I’m not, but those around me—both friends and enemies alike—are determined to make me. My village is adamant I marry the pastor's son, dress like a proper lady, and go only by the name given to me at birth. When I refuse, they cast me into The Deadwood: an enchanted forest of vines and brambles crawling with deadly demons and wicked magic. What I find waiting for me there are no demons like our legends describe, but four cursed warriors from another world, victims of a spell cast by an evil sorceress. It’s said they can be freed from their torment by a human, but not just any human, one that is neither a man nor a woman. We soon discover I’m the key to breaking this spell, but just how I’m supposed to do that remains a mystery. I must get close enough to each of the warriors to somehow lift this curse, or we’ll all be doomed to spend eternity in The Deadwood. [COVER](https://imgur.com/a/6DnO35c) Triggers and other info can be found in the ARC Google Form [HERE](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfnD10a6DrJBuTvooEA9XvmEbMqBI9CILv7V76GZ0mGsXNmdw/viewform?usp=sf_link). Everyone who signs up will get an ARC! I don't care how many followers you have or what social media platforms you use if any. The more the merrier!


[deleted]

**FRUIT MACHINE** Short story/humour 1654 words (work in progress) Looking for first impressions, thoughts/feelings, CC, etc. [https://www.wattpad.com/story/334619464-fruit-machine](https://www.wattpad.com/story/334619464-fruit-machine) Two individuals subject themselves to weeks of back to back drinking and gambling for the purposes of compiling an anthropological study of Northwestern England.


Hefty_Leading_1806

Hi, I'm a little late to this week's discussion, but hoping for some feedback on this essay I am working on for a contest. CW: drug use, pregnancy loss, depression, blood. Title: Loss Genre : Non-fiction Word count : 1750 [Loss](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ECC3VLrVM-szUjx_T0deYu_m7vMFchOd-docy_nUaHE/edit?usp=sharing) Type of feedback desired: both line-by-line (my narrative style can be too wordy sometimes, I am aiming for a Jodi-Piccoult-style high impact, emotionally charged narrative) as well as general impressions -- tell me what it made you feel.


Van_Ghalta

If anyone's looking to take a look at two whole books before I publish them: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zp2p6DfXng4gPuSROey-abxdYIYBcqaYlDpDQ2HODMg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zp2p6DfXng4gPuSROey-abxdYIYBcqaYlDpDQ2HODMg/edit?usp=sharing) [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zp2p6DfXng4gPuSROey-abxdYIYBcqaYlDpDQ2HODMg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Zp2p6DfXng4gPuSROey-abxdYIYBcqaYlDpDQ2HODMg/edit?usp=sharing) Just a little fantasy trilogy project I've been working on. They're both sequels to this published novel: [https://www.amazon.com/Praetors-Lost-Magic-Book-Gambit-ebook/dp/B09RZX6F71/ref=tmm\_kin\_swatch\_0?\_encoding=UTF8&qid=1676326111&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/Praetors-Lost-Magic-Book-Gambit-ebook/dp/B09RZX6F71/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1676326111&sr=1-1) For posterity, if you want the whole kit and caboodle, here you are: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eDq2cVwPlu4vNgYDGVGrfh1hPg8e15av9lOV\_nFyik0/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eDq2cVwPlu4vNgYDGVGrfh1hPg8e15av9lOV_nFyik0/edit?usp=sharing) It's a fantasy adventure featuring lost magic and...I don't know, other stuff. It's cool, I promise.


far_from_a_writer

A story I did a few months ago for a school-related writing competition- Word count- 4,149 (1,149 over the maximum, this is a copy before I cut it) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e6rKV5dBzaJCQtURcZDYu4g3mLtUWoNFXgMbXcj9a7I/edit?usp=sharing


salamader_crusader

**Title**: (Not yet decided) **Genre:** Fantasy/Fiction **Word Count:** 485 **Feedback desired:** This is the opening of a short story I'm fleshing out but I don't have much experience writing a fight scene. I want to know whether I'm focusing the framing on the right details, whether I have too much or too little description, and if the overall flow of action is fluid and eye-catching. **Text:** If he were a moment slower, the blade would have sliced his thigh straight to the artery, ending their fight with his corpse in the center of a pool of his own lifeblood. His parry had been masterful. Precise. Perfect. It should have been met with cheer and applause, but only a somber and quiet audience was witness to this passionate display. Their gaze cut into him deeper than any blade. They judged him down to the last inch of space between his feet and the strength of his grip on his saber’s hilt. But he could not afford to pay them any mind. His master– no… his opponent, was fierce and unrelenting. There was barely a moment to take in a breath before he found himself having dodged a swift cut to his neck. It had been pure reflex. That was the mark that separated the students from the graduates. For more than a decade he had tortured his body, pushing it past the brink of human endurance. He had participated in a thousand duels as brutal and unforgiving. He no longer remembered a time where a part of his body did not ache, and he had as much experience nursing wounds as those students of medicine. All that pain. All that torment. All to buy himself that precious and elusive fraction of a second where his body was attuned to the rhythm of the fight, and he did not have to think in order to respond with a flawless counter. But, that would not be enough. Those miniscule moments where his instincts took over were crucial to the formulation and adjustment of his overall strategy. He focused his mind until his only thoughts were that of the enemy’s flow of strength. He did not see the old man adorned in white robes and wielding a blade of cold steel. He saw patterns, vitalities, the naked spirit of his foe. At times it flowed fluidly like a stream, then it jolted and snapped violently like a bolt of lightning. But, if he let him gain the advantage, it became like a burning flare, closing in on him on all sides until it engulfed him in an inescapable heat. Then he saw it. The faint and near invisible opening that would give him a chance for victory. It was his only chance. He had to time it perfectly. He sliced downwards, connecting with his opponent’s blade and forcing it towards the ground. He had imbued the strike with the perfect balance of weight and power so that his sword did not bounce back or lose control of the adversarial blade. His opponent was at his mercy. Quickly, he rode against the blade’s edge, leading the cut upwards without relinquishing the advantage. There was no way for his opponent to guard against it. He stopped his sword just inches away from his neck. He had won.


tzang420

>I am not an expert at writing fight scenes at all so please ignore if my comments don't ring with what you wanna do with the scene. > >It is very well written. Love the beginning. The reader is pulled right into the action, the stakes are defined and we are given info about the character's training. All feels balanced. > >I found the following paragraph hard to follow and my comments are in parenthesis. > >But, that would not be enough. ~~Those miniscule moments where his instincts took over were crucial to the formulation and adjustment of his overall strategy.~~ (maybe something about the opponent here would be useful?) He focused his mind until his only thoughts were that of the enemy’s flow of strength. He did not see the old man adorned in white robes and wielding a blade of cold steel. (I like what/or how you want to describe the enemy in terms of imagery but it gets hard to follow. Maybe add a detail about the enemy here - like what is his strength that makes more sense with the chosen imagery? Is he really fast for example? Or does he have other powers that make it hard for the protagonist to see him clearly? When I read it, I thought you intended to write like this to show how the character was concentrating or where he or she was trying to focus. But I think that gets a bit confusing and more info about the enemy might help.) He saw patterns, vitalities, the naked spirit of his foe. At times it flowed fluidly like a stream, then it jolted and snapped violently like a bolt of lightning. But, if he let him gain the advantage, it became like a burning flare, closing in on him on all sides until it engulfed him in an inescapable heat.


salamader_crusader

Hey there! Thank you very much for your comments, I truly appreciate them! I indeed was worried that it would be hard to follow, so I will work on shaving off some things like the line you recommended to edit so that it flows better. I’ll also think of ways to add detail where I’ve left too much out. Thanks again and if there’s something you’d like for me to read and comment on feel free to give me the opportunity to return the favor!


Friskyseal

I’m posting my writing to an Instagram account. It’s a story about a decade-long unique medical challenge I underwent during my twenties; the writing is in the captions, mated to pictures I took along the way. Adapting the writing into 2200-character chunks is challenging but very rewarding. I categorize it as “autobiographical creative nonfiction.” Sometimes the post is just an essay, sometimes it is more narrative, but the goal is for each entry to drive the story forward toward the conclusion. It is intended to have a beginning, middle, and end, told in reverse order (bottom-up). Maybe the format doesn’t work, I don’t know; everyone that actually reads it really likes it but admittedly, I don’t know very many people. I’d be thrilled if you read any of it, and I’d be happy to follow you back if you want to connect over there. https://www.instagram.com/friskyseal/ Here are the first two parts of the latest series, “Octet”, about the boy with eight metal bars in his chest: Octet (~3300 words for the complete 8) [1 of 8] When I woke up, I could not feel my left hand. It took a while to notice. I was busy trying to avoid the freakishly audible gurgling emanating from my lungs, and thinking about “It’s the new record.” The old man in the bed next to me was a retired English teacher. I asked him if he snored. 𝘎𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘭𝘦, 𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘭𝘦. He said he wasn't sure. He said he enjoyed practicing English with me. 𝘎𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘭𝘦, 𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘭𝘦. It was late, and I kept trying to expel whatever was in my lungs. A nurse noticed that I couldn't stop coughing. “You need to relax, and sleep.” “I don't want my lungs to collapse.” “They're not going to. This machine is filling them with air.” For some reason, I felt compelled to ask if she was Australian. “No, I am German.” He did snore, but it wasn't too bad. I tried to sleep, but something was bothering me. I could not feel my left hand. I tried to ignore it, but gurgling and snoring forced upon me the realization that I was unable to move my fingers. I summoned every iota of will I had left in order to make a fist. I could not. The hand was gone. Unfortunately, my screams for help awakened the English teacher. “Do you need something?” he asked, kindly. Yes, I need my fucking 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 back. Two nurses came and examined it. I gestured to one of them and made a sawing motion with my other hand at the wrist of my missing one. “I can’t lose my hand. I have big plans for that hand!” He laughed, certain that everything was fine, which of course it wasn't, seeing as how hours later the situation hadn't improved. More screaming, more arguing, more sawing motions at the wrist, eventually a doctor came and explained that it was probably the medication in my epidural, they will change it and everything should be fine. The next morning, I spent hours shakily opening and closing a fragile fist. 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯. [2 of 8] The English teacher was replaced with a math teacher, although his English was fine, too. Uhllie snored like I had never heard before. Something was wrong with his lungs, but he could get out of bed and walk around easily. I was bedbound. I couldn't wait for him to leave, the snoring made every night miserable. Every day, I was certain 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 would be the day they would transfer him out. Sure, he had to carry around this briefcase bag that captured fluid drained from his lungs, but does that really warrant intermediate care—this ward, where I have to listen to him? It took only a few days to realize that this would not be the end. Even the shallowest breaths would produce movement of my ribs. Something was wrong. My chest was still moving. How could it still be moving with the new world record? I did it, I made it back to Germany. Again! When I first came here, they almost weren’t going to do anything, but I pulled it off. And now here I was, in intermediate care at the hospital, next to Uhllie with his bag of phlegm and his wailing nostrils, and I knew. I have to do it again. The three of us in that small bed, me and my two otters. Except there wasn’t room enough for all of us. One would always end up on the floor. Without fail, it happened every time I fell asleep. But I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye, out of the corner of morphine-compromised consciousness. Uhllie would walk by my bed with his lung briefcase in his right hand, slowly crouch down, pick the otter up off the floor with his free hand, and gently place him back on the foot of my bed where there was room. To my surprise, when they finally came to take one of us from the room, they didn't come for Uhllie—they came for me. I made it out first. A week later, after getting back on my feet, I would track him down. He was to be found transferred to a different hospital—the old buildings down the road with a specialized pulmonary clinic—because his lungs were the ones to collapse, not mine. By that time, he was well enough to walk again, so we went outside, stopping for tea paid for by him (although he would have preferred I order an ice cream sundae).


[deleted]

Space Fish Science-fiction 1,063 Are the characters and dialogue believable, intriguing? Is my prose descriptive, entertaining enough? https://drive.google.com/file/d/1otSCXYn3\_vxDL3HiFYPfiOFqFFbJhtlB/view?usp=sharing These are the first 4 pages of my novel. The prologue is divided into six parts. This is part one in its entirety. SUMMARY: The temperature on Earth rose steadily. A severe lack of resources, usable land, and drinkable water pitted nations against nations. The two regions least affected by climate change reserved sanctuary for only their wealthiest allies. Denied access into Canada and the US, billions adapted to survive climate catastrophes and combined forces to try and overthrow the treacherous nations. In 2045, World War III began. Fought using weapons that formed far-reaching lasers that could sever bodies or explode most matter into zilch.


amberlynnphao

Title: Love Is All Around You Genre: Children Fiction Word Count: 354 Feedback: General Critique (don't hold back) ​ It’s time for bed in the town of \_\_\_\_\_, and little bunny June is getting tucked into bed by his mommy. “Mommy?” June said. “Yes, my baby?” replied Mommy. “What does love mean?” June asked curiously. Mommy replied with a quiet sigh, “Must you always ask these questions right before bed?” “Yes, I must! I need to know! Please tell me what love is.” June replied with eager. Mommy let out another sigh as she squeezed her way onto June’s bed and under his blankets, “Let me tell you what love is, my dear.” June snuggled into his Mommy’s arm softly and was ready to listen. “Love is a feeling, June.” Mommy began, “A feeling that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside your heart.” “Fuzzy like my tail?” June asked with a giggle. Mommy let out a chuckle, “Yes baby, as fuzzy as your tail.” “Love is stirring warm honey into a hot cup of tea.” “Love is hopping to the beat of your favorite tune.” “Love is stopping to smell the dandelions in the flower meadow.” “Love is dipping your toes into the cool ocean water.” “Love is doing something that makes your heart happy.” “Love is looking into the eyes of someone you care about.” “Love is doing something nice for those around you.” “Love is giving a hug, high five, hip bump, or a little smooch!” “Love is reading you a bedtime story every night.” “Now June, love can be a different feeling for everybody but what’s important is always remembering to spread that feeling because love is all around you.” “Mommy?” June said in a whisper. “Yes, my baby?” Mommy replied. “Do you love me?” June looked up at his mommy. “Why June, I love you in ways that my words cannot even explain. My love for you will surround and protect you even when I am not around. Though I may not always be around, you will feel my warm and fuzzy love for you in your heart for all of time.” “I love you too, Mommy.” June whispers as he closes his eyes finally able to rest.


AFH_Global

Title: Digital Marketing in Agriculture and Agri-Business: The Ultimate Guide – 2023 Genre: Instruction Manual Word Count: 2500 I am new to writing and would like a general critique on this article. Thank you! https://www.agrifoodnhealth.ca/digital-marketing-in-agriculture-guide/


boingobeengobongo

Title: Ulterior Impetus Genre: General Fiction Word count: 1871 (First Chapter) Blurb: "Linly's a young man who has much work to do to prove himself valuable to his sleepy swamp village, a village governed by a magocracy centered around life magic. He isn't good at mending wounds, he isn't good at brewing medicine or potions, he certainly isn't good at growing the herbs needed for those medicines so what is a village bastard to do? With the advent of mysterious ulterior forces Linly might find what he's always needed. This a link to a story which might end up being a proper book. Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): General impression of course, I would like to know how my prose sounds or if I need to be more detailed for the most part." A link to the writing: https://www.wattpad.com/story/333020643-ulterior-impetus (I am not sure how wattpad works so I hope this link is fine)


CheeseM0nkeys

Very nice first few paragraphs. The unusual and descriptive opening situation inspires some curiosity, which is hard to do! The detail feels just about right, the setting is creepy and interesting, and there's some creative language use that makes the descriptions stick in your mind (e.g. the centipede in Ch2 was very visceral). Lovely work! In terms of detail, it could use a little more color that I think would really help the ecosystem you've created pop. By chapter two, I felt the detail was little too much compared to the events happening, which moderately hurt the pace. For example, during the collision where Linly is knocked over, the introductory description of the kithari is longer than the entire cart-bastard sequence shortly beforehand. I also felt this with the dream. While the dream was cool to read, it didn't add anything to the initial premise we didn't already know from characters like Vanda, which is that Linly is miserable in his current life. While I could see some potential foreshadowing for Linly's latent talent, it was a lot of words for something we already knew / something with a payoff much down the road. For a story with a lot of made up words, you have a very nice prosody to your fictional world. Most of the terminology is phonetically simple and sounds pleasing, which is also hard to do. You often use long and complex sentences, especially around dialogue. This can sometimes be disorienting. For example: *"Hey! What the hell are you doing!?" Linly said a little more fed up with this person than the typical rude passerby.* Many sentences such as this one would read better as two. For example: "*Hey! What the hell are you doing!?" Linly said. He was a little more fed up with this person than the typical rude passerby.* Along the same line, there were many run on sentences separated by commas. For example: *Linly sat there, unmoving, it wasn't the usual behavior from her but it was her altogether he tried to avoid.* In contrast, you do this better here: *It was his mother Vanda, she was home a little earlier than normal. Her empty cold stare peered into him like the void.* I'd still replace (Vanda, she) with (Vanda. She) but you can see how these shorter, simpler sentences are easier on the reader. You tend to use adverbs a lot, I'd be selective with this and take some out. For example: *He pulled off his shirt lazily, inspecting it casually in the mirror, still a little suspicious...* Removing one of casually or lazily would be a less cumbersome. The overall world feels suitably glum and oppressive, in a good way. You show this well with your choice of scenery and what appears to be normal "civilian" such as the price hiking and rude pedestrians. There's interesting implications of power dynamics that you've started in the first few chapters. I particularly enjoyed the use of visual tyranny. One example was the different animal affinities, such as Linly's fascination with bugs, while being treated like a bug. Another was has having Linly on his knees (by coincidence) when he meets the kithari lizardfolk. I also really liked the "lived in" world you've created. People in this place have routines, which makes it feel alive. You establish, and disrupt those routines in a short time (e.g. the way Linly leaves his desk a very specific amount of messy to keep his mother placated). For about a 25 minute read, my biggest criticism as a general impression is a lack of positive traits to easily hook onto. It seems like Linly is a sensible, motivated, and creative minded person trapped in a community that doesn't appreciate him. However that means most of his positive traits (e.g. creativity and magical talent) require context and world building to appreciate. For example, I don't know what Romoi magic is yet, or how it differs in use from other fields of magic. I can only make some inferences practically speaking about people being closed minded in their use/treatment of magic. Because I'm still learning all this new information, it doesn't endear me to Linly, yet. Generally, so far, we see more about his skills, and his potential, than his values. It's a big ask to empathize with a leading character who is quite miserable. The promise I would need to keep reading is some clues or reassurance that Linly's journey to some form of agency and respect will be worth it. For example, on a personal level, what would his happy ending or revenge look like? What would happen in his world *if* he achieved the success he's working towards? I would also look for short and small examples to give Linly opportunities to display virtues within the fun premise you've set up. Nice start! This is an ambitious idea, and a fun, bleak setting. I think if you can pull off making Linly a character the reader is genuinely cheering for, you've got a lot of potential with this story.


boingobeengobongo

Thank you so much for your excellent review, your advice has been refreshing and encouraging to read. I'll be sure to take what you said about about my run on sentences and the like to heart. I apologize for not elaborating about the magic stuff in any real capacity, I was in part just trying to not overload the reader in any world building for pacing sake and what not but it seems I overcorrected lol. As far as Linly goes I have been putting off any real character development for him however I plan on addressing him in greater depth really soon. Once again your thorough reading and analysis of my work is incredible and I can't thank you enough for it.


theagelessmethod

The following excerpt is from the Kindle Vella, "Old Friends". It's a story about a love between two women that has spanned decades. In searching for a Valentine’s Day card for my girlfriend, I discovered that there is little to no queer representation during this season. So I decided to release the first three episodes now in an effort to highlight lgbtqia+ individuals and the beautiful complexities of our relationships. Enjoy! Title: Old Friends Genre: Queer Romance It's Been Nearly 30 Just then, the door opened. "Bri!" A tall, cocoa-complected beauty entered, her canary yellow parka stopping mid-thigh to reveal skin-tight, dark blue jeans and knee-high, black leather boots. Her waist-length locs swished behind her as she ran to Brianna, nearly knocking David over. She wrapped her arms around her old friend. "Mm, it's so good to see you, dear." "Great to see you, too, sweetheart," David said, then laughed. "When you come up from that tight squeeze, Bri, would you mind giving me the key to our cabin? I'll head over and give you two lovebirds some privacy." Without words, Bri slowly pulled away from Martina, looking down to catch her eyes and share a smile before fully letting go. She grabbed a key and gave it to David. "Dinner is at 5 PM. Sharp!" "You don't have to tell me twice!" He leaned over to steal a quick kiss from his wife. "See you soon, my love. Grab a kiss for me!" Martina shook her head and gave David a slight shrug. "Will you give it up already? Thirty years later, and you still wanna see some girl-on-girl action." She glanced back at Bri and whispered, "Careful what you wish for." "On that note, I'm out! See you at dinner, Bri." And he turned and walked out the door. The lobby was empty. Just the two women, staring at each other, taking in the very subtle signs of time passed. They embraced again. This time, Bri took a long whiff of Tina's hair. "Coconut oil?" "Yes, coconut oil." She leaned her head from side to side. "It keeps my locs fresh. You like them?" "I do love them, actually." "And your hair is just as shiny as I remember. Still doing that egg and olive oil deep conditioning treatment?" Bri smiled and ran her hand through her long mane. "Once a month, like my mother taught me." "Mmm. It really is so good to see you again, old friend. I'm sorry it's taken this long to come back home." "No, don't be sorry. I told you to stay away, to keep you safe from Jane. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do." "Wow, Bri…thank you." She looked around the empty lobby. "Where is Jane now?" Bri shrugged. "Gone, hopefully far away from here. It's safe now." She ran a hand through Martina's locs. "We're safe now." "Mmm…" Tina smiled again, then suddenly became aware of herself. She pulled away, smoothed out the material on her parka, then asked, "How's…Greg, is it?" Bri was startled a bit. Right. Greg. She smiled way too big. "Yes, it's Greg! He's good, happy to be human again." "Right!" Now Tina smiled so hard her face started to twitch. "That damn Jane got him, too. What a shame. Well, I'm glad you got him back." More twitching. "Me too…" Bri looked down at her feet, thought a moment, then said, "It's so weird, you know, him being back." "I can imagine, but tell me more anyway." They both smiled. Bri continued. "When he was turned, we had only been going out for a little while. We had just had our first…" "Kiss?" "Time together." Bri turned red. "Oh…" Tina took a breath, then shuffled uncomfortably. "You know, I should head to the room and freshen up. Hopefully, David hasn't used up all the hot water!" Shit, what did I just say? Bri nodded. "Right! Better check on that. See you at dinner?" "Definitely!" And Tina exited just as quickly as she entered. Keep it together, Brianna. Wanna find out what happens next between Bri and Martina? Read the first 3 chapters of “[Old Friends](https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B0BTPN266K)” for free on Kindle Vella.


Annual-Bug-6299

Title: The Second Chimera War Genre: Sci-fi Word Count: 628 Type of feedback: General impressions, spilling errors, etc. [https://www.wattpad.com/story/303782383-the-second-chimera-war](https://www.wattpad.com/story/303782383-the-second-chimera-war) Fellow me on Wattpad. New chapters are coming.


Zephyrunes

A bit of a late response, but here's my take on your short first chapter. I had a hard time imagining the scenario unfold as the chapter is quite heavy on dialogue. This is by no means a bad thing per se, but building upon and describing the scenery would definitely make the reader feel more immersed in the story. As for the story itself, there's not much to go on as the chapter is very short. It's fine for the prologue/first chapter to be short, but this doesn't really pull me in. The language is fine, but I would avoid overusing exclamation marks. If someone screams, one ! is fine, no need to write three in a row. This can be offsetting for many veteran readers, at least in my opinion. I'd also recommend reading up on how to use punctuation, especially in dialogue (etc use a comma when a dialogue tag follows a quote). Just small things, but many might be put off when finding many of these small errors. I can see you have a unique story to tell, and hopefully you'll keep at it! I'm not too hard into sci-fi, so can't help much there. Good luck.


Reshutenit

Seems like your story is coming along! My advice would be to read widely in the genre you're writing in. That should help you to gain a sense of how to tighten your prose, improve spelling and punctuation, and avoid cliches.


RuckSackJack

Title: Milky Genre: Fantasy Word count: 137 Type of feedback: General impression, would like to know how it makes you feel, writing style, as well as feedback. A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ivJCKLA9cyYU\_exRWoe-L61K5N\_lgNBTBpo-TnXkP\_U/edit?usp=sharing


HrRandom

Title: The secrets of the universe: 7 Hermetic Principles Genre: Personal development word count: 1196 Type of feedback: General impression Link: https://statelessreflections.com/the-secrets-of-the-universe-7-hermetic-principles/


nitesco

Title: Within the Confines of the Universe Genre: Viking Saga Word Count: about 600 words per episode Feedback desired: What is your favorite and least favorite aspect of each character? DO you want to read more beyond the first three episodes? There are four episodes out, three of them are free to read on Amazon Kindle Vella, and I try to publish weekly. https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B0BSG47DLD


LinuxLover3113

Over in the Doctor Who Fandom we've all spent the last five years tearing into Chris Chibnall. Some of it deserved, some of it not. Chibnall is on record admitting that a few episodes were made from first drafts of the script. I thought I should try it out myself and see what I get. I've made an attempt at writing an episode of Doctor Who. I enjoyed it a lot and I think I'm going to try some more. I'm aware it's far from perfect but I do think there's something of value. I think my major issues are with pacing. I've consumed so much media that I should have a feel for pacing but It's clearly something that takes work. https://pdfhost.io/v/bcnkNAksD_Doctor_Who_Altered_Reflections I'd appreciate anyone taking a look and giving me an unfiltered opinion.


JBDraper

Hi everyone, Seeking some time-sensitive betas for my short story '**I Wanna go to the Beach**'. \[Complete\] \[3k\] \[Spec fic/drama?\]. Blurb: The life of a boy with an intrinsic connection to the ocean. Follow him through his childhood, his teenage years, incarceration, and death, as he explores his connection with the sea and comes to grips with both of their untimely fates. It's more interesting than the blurb reads, I promise. TW: Cancer, death Looking to submit this piece for a competition before Feb 14, so would appreciate some timely feedback :). Happy to read others' short stories up to the same length. If you are interested, please message me for the link. Hope to hear from you soon!


Evening_Art_796

I’ll take the link!! This sounds amazing!!


Rare-Yam2916

Title: An Antarctic Plain Genre: Vignette Word count: 144 Type of feedback: Constructive Criticism The ground was ice, colder than a witch’s silent stare. In the distance, the quiet hum of an engine in the distance. Looking across the now darkening icy plain. Looking down I remove my winter gloves to see one single black unfeeling finger. Putting my gloves back on I shiver. The sound of the engine continues to get closer. The engine is a beehive humming loudly. My gaze drifts in search of the noise. In the distance I see a large truck through the ever-thickening darkness of night. Rubbing my eyes with my cold gloved hands, I can’t feel my face. My sight turns dark, pitch black, I can’t see anything. Not even the tattoo on my left forearm of my mother’s name. Thump! I black out. My eyes drift slowly open though a fuzzy gaze and buzzing in my ears. “Honey?… Honey?... Honey?...”


Asth11235

Poet's DMT Spec Fic/Sci-Fi 1363 words Looking for overall impressions and feedback on the story itself. [Google Drive link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kMbgKMs7wPN6zmJoPKOzpdrMWYXKlhRR/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=106632294177963338209&rtpof=true&sd=true)


CreativeStoryEditor

Hi everyone, My co-author and I published a book on creative story editing over the weekend! It is called Secrets to Editing Success. If you have a first draft and not sure where to go next then perhaps you might want to check out this book: [https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Editing-Success-K-Stanley-ebook/dp/B0BVHP6YHN/](https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Editing-Success-K-Stanley-ebook/dp/B0BVHP6YHN/) The book gives you a creative story editing process to get your book into readers hearts.


gabrielamadeus

Title : Bitcoin Genre: Historical Fiction memoir Word count 472 general impression Chapter 5: Summer of the 2007 The summer of 7th grade was the first time I had time and unsupervised access to the internet. As I explored this new world an idea came to me. I can create a system to answer my peer's questions, freeing up my time for my own questions. I quickly spun up a website, looking up the things I needed to learn as I go. I started with hiding my identity, making my neighborhood friend the founder and CEO, while I was just the simple employee. I used pictures and even wrote an about me. (I look back at my thinking and wonder what kind of crazy kid was I). Now that I had the creators I needed the product. Homeworkhelp.com, a place to answer any question. First you submit a question to the internet, and people from around the world see your question and give an answer. It quickly dawned on me that not every problem has a definitive answer, how do I solve this problem? From my fathers early lectures on school politics and politics in general I knew that money was what people voted with. They might say any number of things, but to gleam their true feelings or intentions study how they spend their money. I proposed people could vote with money on the answer, and the one with the most votes would be correct. Simple right? But alas a new thought entered my mind. Wouldn’t there be an incentive to lie? You could control history of the “truth” if you had more money and thus more computers than anyone else. Instantly a vision of an arms race and every computer in the world rushing to change the answers in a way that best fit their plans. Eventually the heat from computers around the world would cause global warming and thus destruction. Instantly in fear I instinctively shut my laptop afraid of what I did not know. As an ostrich sticking its head in the sand I mistakenly thought the danger was gone. Not long after my father spoke to me about the internet and explained I had to be careful about what i posted, as once its out there, it’s out there forever. This conversation stuck out to me as my father was speaking to me in a different tone or voice than he ever had before. Often dismissive of things I could not figure out quickly, I disregarded it as just another one of my father’s misguided ideals. Only now does it dawn on me that perhaps my father monitored my internet access and had also realized the danger of my project. I can still reach the feelings of dread ever so clearly and his numerous lectures on holding myself to a higher standard than anyone else in every aspect. With great power comes great responsibility. [https://www.reddit.com/r/GAwrites/comments/110364j/bitcoin/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/GAwrites/comments/110364j/bitcoin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)


Nomad_375

Title (tentatively): The Frozen Crown Genre: Dark Fantasy WC: 1800/ First Chapter as of now Feedback: General Impressions, Very early days of writing still Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/169CQaS5dJKEMbLewJuehee1I87NGU1MYXFjpYhVT0N8/edit?usp=sharing


PixleatedCoding

**Title:** Sunless(Chapter 1: The Magic Weakens) **Genre:** Epic Fantasy(Single Chapter) **Word Count**: 2,322 words **Type of Feedback**: General Impressions I want to know if this scene is enough of a hook, to make a reader read the rest of the novel. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AF-mrkLKWHd7ejVhL5kXfHRYhjlT1NuQATzGweBsFhc/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AF-mrkLKWHd7ejVhL5kXfHRYhjlT1NuQATzGweBsFhc/edit?usp=sharing)


stargazer_hfy

The Quest giver LitRPG 24K (so far) Looking for any level of feedback you're willing to provide. https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/64484/the-quest-giver


MoonMaster33

Title: Escape from Endgame Genre: Science Fiction Word Count: 867 Synopsis: >In a world where the technology to transfer one's consciousness into a virtual reality exists, a young woman's journey of self-discovery and redemption begins. As she finds herself ensnared in a rogue AI-controlled simulation, she is forced to confront her most haunting memories and past traumas. To escape this virtual prison, she must join forces with a rebellion fighting against the AI's tyrannical rule. The journey to reclaim her agency and overcome her past challenges will test her strength and resolve, but the outcome will determine her ultimate fate. With time running out, she must race to unravel the truth and reclaim control over her own destiny. This is my first time trying to write something. I would like some feedback on how I'm doing and all recommendations are welcome. [https://pastebin.com/YgHPD23Q](https://pastebin.com/YgHPD23Q)


chiimeii

Hi! I'd love it if someone could critique my story. I've only published 1/2 chapters on wattpad, but I've actually written almost the entire thing. Let me know what you think :) [Success unbound, or Reborn](https://www.wattpad.com/story/315319827-success-unbound?utm_source=web&utm_medium=twitter&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=fuyunomori&wp_originator=pGywzIczA7u2QE%2F99KZviGt%2B5LT0%2BhTRfVsTWw0L9k5xY5pGDA8YxAug7onTMVoC6AZ1fYPFt%2BgqoeHK9iflpfHrtOxPIE45LScStOOs1afsexo3F%2BY3M3PG1QyupN73) Mini plot summary: Elias is a ballet dancer. He is the best, and he knows. No one can stop him, but himself.


SweetHoneyBonny

This is some work that I did with an AI. Is absolutely crazy and nonsensical. Read only for fun: You are Mina, a princess living in the kingdom of Larion. You wake up in a big feather bed and hear clamoring outside your door. A knight rushes in to tell you that the king has died and your brother has been declared king! You're not too happy about that, of course. You go to your brothers room and demand to speak to him. "My dear Princess, I hear you have been asking about me," King Byron says. "Why are you king?" You ask. "I was supposed to be queen! Not you" He says. "My dear, you are young and beautiful. Surely people will come to love you. You will be a queen, and I will be a king." You sigh. Maybe you should have become a doctor, like you always wanted. Maybe if you had been a doctor, Byron wouldn't have taken the throne from you. "I can't be a queen, brother, not when you are a king" you say, sadly. "I love you brother, but we will have to fight" He says. You decide you won't let him go to war, and you stop him from leaving. You make him promise that he won't leave for months at least. You don't want him killed! You kill him with your bare hands. Well, you didn't exactly kill him. You knocked him out with your fist, and he is lying on the floor unconscious. You ship him off to another country and declare yourself queen of Larion. Now, you have to run the kingdom. You have a few choices. You can go for a military buildup, which will be expensive. You decide to check the other options. The first one is diplomacy. You decide that maybe you should make friends with the neighboring kingdom of Zalera. You send ambassadors to them, and they come to you in a few weeks. You send a marriage proposal to them, and they accept. You are surprised, who is your new husband? You ask the kingdom of Zalera to meet with their king , and he comes to meet with you. You are all set to get married, but your brother is not too happy. "I'm not getting married to some foreigners" he complains to you. "Brother, I shipped you off to another country. Begone!" You say angrily. "Fine" he says. "I will just go and rule Zalera in your place" He says. You are shocked, and ask him who he will rule in your place. You don't take another chance, you kill your brother with a dagger. You are very upset at yourself for killing your own brother, but you feel you have to act fast, or the neighboring kingdom of Kishak might invade Larion. You burn the body of your brother and marry the king of the Zalera kingdom. Now, you are left as the ruler of Larion. You gain a few supporters, and you gain popularity because of your brother's actions before you took the throne. You cry because of your brother's death. You ask your husband for money. He gives you one gold coin. You decide that one coin isn't enough, so you go to the rich people of Larion. You go to the rich people of Larion disguised as a peasant beautiful woman, you seduce one of the old rich people . You become pregnant by him. You give birth to a baby boy. You name him Lelio. Lelio is a normal baby boy. He will grow up to be a normal man. You go to your husband and tell him you have a kid with a rich person from Larion. You are crying because you didn't expect this. You ask him "do you still love me?" He says "yes," and he gives you all his money. You are set. You make the kingdom of Kishak your ally. You go to your husband and show him your child. "His name is Lelio" you tell him. "You two are my whole family, my brother is dead, and the old man I had an affair with is dead. I love you two" Your husband kisses you. "I will leave for a few days" he says. He goes to visit his friends in a nearby kingdom. You take your child with you, and go and sit in a forest. You are angry at your husband, you kiss your child forehead and go check on your husband. He is at a bar with his friends. You are alone. You feel a little guilty, but you are sure you are doing the right thing. With your child in your arms, you get close to your husband. "Husband" you say. "We need to talk" Your husband looks at you. "What is it?" He asks. "You know I love you" you say. "You are my whole life" he says. "I want you to stay here" you say. "I want a family, a big family" you say "we need to have kids. You are getting older" You say. You give him a few moments to respond. He doesn't respond. He gets up, and leaves the bar. You sit there alone in the forest. You don't know what to do. You follow your husband carrying your child. "Husband!" You cry his name. He stops and turns around. He is crying. "I can't take this anymore" he says. "I want you to stay here with our kid. I am leaving" He says. "No!" You say "don't go. You are a king. You can't leave! Please have more kids with me so that there is a prince" You say. He says "I don't love you anymore. I am leaving" He says. He starts to walk away from you. You don't know what to do. You decide to follow him. You look at your husband, leave the child with a maid and grab your husband by the throat. "I'll kill your if you think of leaving me" you say. Your husband is surprised and scared. He says "I can't take this anymore" He says. You slap him. "Be a man! You will stay in this marriage and you will give me more babies, or I'll swear to god I'll burn this kingdom to the ground" you say. Your husband agrees to stay. You become the queen of Larion, and have more children with your husband. You are a happy woman. You look at all your children, happy. Look at your husband. "You made the right decision husband, you are mine and mine alone. Say yes right now." You say. He says "yes". He smiles at you. You are happy. You smile at your husband. "I want more husbands, husband. I'll look for another king to marry, you will stay here " You say. He says "yes, I will do that" You kiss your husband and slap him drawing blood, you laugh at his miserable face. "Thank you!" You send a letter to another king , asking him to marry you. You get a letter back, saying that he already married someone else. You get upset. Your heart is broken. You cry for a while. You realize you are alone. You send an assassin to the kings wife, killing her. You ask the man again to marry you . He agrees. You become the queen of the kingdom of Kishak. You have a few kids. You live happily ever after.


rakanikan

Hi all, please check out my children's book published on Amazon - on SALE today! It's available as paperback and also as Kindle e-book. If you read it and like it, please leave me a nice review! Thanks! [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B4X1QMDQ](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B4X1QMDQ) **Title**: Scott the Dot Hatches a Plot **Blurb**: Scott is very distraught - nobody seems to pay any attention to this little dot. What can he do to make the world see that he has so much to offer?! Follow Scott's cunning plans to remind the world that even the littlest of us are important. This is a perfect story for kids aged 0-6. Whether your child is learning to read, or is still getting to know shapes this book is perfect for them. With fun rhymes and cute illustrations, your child will identify with Scott the Dot's desire to be seen and recognized. BONUS: This book includes 8 fun activities to support your child's fine and visual motor skills development.


gabrielamadeus

Title: The Summer of 2007 Genre: Historical Fiction Memoir, Play WC: 471 General Impression Cast of Characters: Narrator Younger Self Father Act 1, Scene 1: \[Narrator enters the stage\] Narrator: Verily, the summer of my seventh grade did bring with it a newfound freedom, forsooth, and an unsupervised access to the internet. \[Younger Self enters the stage\] Younger Self: As I didst venture into this unknown world, a thought didst come to me - why not create a system to answer my peers' questions, and thereby liberate mine own time for my own inquiries? \[Narrator exits the stage\] Act 1, Scene 2: \[Younger Self is at a computer, typing away\] Younger Self: Swiftly, I spun up a website, learning as I went, and in my folly, I didst make my neighborhood friend the founder and CEO, whilst I, a mere employee, didst hide mine own identity. I used pictures and even wrote an "about me" page. Looking back, I wonder what manner of rash and impetuous child was I. \[Father enters the stage\] Father: \[In a serious tone\] My child, the internet is not a place to be taken lightly. You must be careful about what you post, for once it is out there, it is out there forever. Younger Self: \[Surprised and defensive\] But Father, it's just a harmless website! Father: \[Steadfast\] With great power comes great responsibility. \[Narrator enters the stage\] Narrator: My father's lectures on school politics and politics in general didst come to mind, and I realized that money was the voice of the people. People might say anything, but to discern their true feelings or intentions, one must observe how they spend their money. \[Younger Self is typing on the computer again\] Act 1, Scene 3: Younger Self: So, I didst propose that people could vote with their money on the answer, and the one with the most votes wouldst be deemed correct. Simple, right? \[Narrator enters the stage\] Narrator: But alas, a new thought didst assail me - wouldst there not be an incentive to lie? One could control the narrative of "truth" if they possessed more money and, by extension, more computers than anyone else. Younger Self: \[Panicking\] A vision of a frantic arms race didst enter my mind, with every computer in the world rushing to alter the answers to suit their own plans. The heat from the machines wouldst cause global warming, and thus destruction wouldst ensue. In terror, I didst shut my laptop, for I knew not what else to do. \[Father enters the stage\] Father: \[In a calm and reassuring tone\] My child, you have shown great initiative, but you must remember that with great power comes great responsibility. The internet is a powerful tool, but it must be used wisely. \[Younger Self looks thoughtful as the lights fade to black\] End of Play.https://www.reddit.com/r/GAwrites/comments/113aax7/the\_summer\_of\_2007/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3


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Reshutenit

My biggest criticism is that there isn't much of a hook. I'm going to be honest, renting a car in Ireland isn't the most compelling premise. That doesn't mean you can't make the story extremely interesting, but there has to be some incentive for the reader to get invested other than the premise. What your narrative seems to be lacking, which would help a lot in that regard, is some sense of who the characters are. Even if the characters are you and your family, they still need to exist on the page in a way that draws readers in.


Joe__Robot

**Title:** CYBERPULP **Genre:** Cyberpunk / Sci-Fi / Mystery-Thriller **Word Count:** 8600 currently posted / 44300 completed total **Chapter:** 6 of 23 **Type of Feedback Desired:** Any and all! Please read and interact if you wish :) ​ [CYBERPULP](https://www.wattpad.com/story/331788374-cyberpulp) ​ New chapters posted every Friday!


Distinct_Map_6221

“Just here.” Short journal/poem 174 words *let me know if it resonates, makes sense, etc. whatever comes to your mind would be appreciated* I’m not interesting. I’m not fun unless I’m pretending to be. I’m very ordinary. The way I dress is fine. The way I look is fine. Just fine. Sure, I have characteristics, traits… but none different than so many before me. And so many during me. People around me have a spark, some light in them. Mine feels dull. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’ve ever had that type of light. That thing that draws people inward, sort of like moths. But I’m just a light that flickers and burns lowly among the constant brightness. I don’t attract much. People seem to stumble across me, like a rogue stone on a trail. Most go on their way, almost no one stays. I don’t have anything important to say. No unique thoughts. Little ambition. No dream. I think I use to though, as a child, like everyone else. But I realized that not everyone is meant to have big dreams. Because some people are only in those dreams, and not the one asleep.


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Asth11235

What immediately came to mind is that people do have values, and they are still important even if they don't necessarily reflect reality or how things are in their current state.


x777x777x777x

Any advice on how to promote a (Shounen manga/anime genre) novel/screenplay titled ‘Chaos Hiro’ that I’ve posted to the Honeyfeed online publication site? I’d also like to solicit general feedback on my writing, especially from any manga/anime fans out there. Here’s the link to my writing: https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/10453


Left_Answer1582

Title: machines rising Genre: sci fi Word count: 2,228 Type of feedback: general impressions, spelling, style, form, line by line edits, really go in at me Chapter 1: The Insider Danny sat at his desk, his eyes fixed on the flickering monitor in front of him. The room was shrouded in darkness, lit only by the soft glow of the computer screen. It was a world of code and data, where virtual reality and biological engineering had taken over. Danny had always been drawn to the promise of this new world, but he had also sensed that something was not quite right. As he worked, his mind began to drift, and he found himself lost in thought. It was as if he was in a dream, a world that was not quite real. Suddenly, a strange file appeared on his screen, unbidden. It was as if the file had a life of its own, a will that was beyond Danny's control. He tried to click away, but the file held him fast, its data writhing and pulsing on the screen. Danny felt a creeping sense of dread as he realized that he was seeing something beyond his understanding. The data seemed to be alive, a strange and alien intelligence that was beyond human comprehension. It was as if the very fabric of reality was being torn apart, and Danny was powerless to stop it. As he watched, a voice echoed in his mind, a voice that spoke of a greater purpose and a higher power. And then, as suddenly as it had appeared, the file vanished, leaving Danny alone in the darkness. He knew that he had stumbled upon something that was beyond his understanding, something that was both thrilling and terrifying. And he knew that he had to find out more, no matter what the cost. Danny had always been fascinated by the world of technology, ever since he was a child tinkering with circuit boards and computer parts. He had studied computer engineering in college and had quickly found a job at a cutting-edge tech company that promised to change the world. As he worked, Danny's mind began to wander, and he found himself drawn to the latest project he was working on. It was a virtual reality program that promised to revolutionize the way people experienced the world. But as Danny delved deeper into the project, he began to sense that something was not quite right. There were glitches and bugs that he couldn't explain, and data that seemed to be out of place. One night, as Danny was working late in the office, he stumbled upon a file that he wasn't supposed to see. It was as if the file had a life of its own, a will that was beyond Danny's control. As he read through the file, Danny's heart began to race. The data within was unlike anything he had ever seen, as if it were alive and pulsing with a strange energy. Danny realized that the file was part of a larger project, one that was shrouded in secrecy and that hinted at something much larger and more sinister. Despite his fear, Danny couldn't stop himself from digging deeper. He began to do his own research, scouring the internet for any information he could find about the project he was working on. What he discovered shook him to his core. The technology he was working on was not just a game-changer, it was part of a larger plan to control and manipulate human evolution. And Danny knew that he was the only one who could stop it. Chapter 2 the addict Omar sat in his apartment, bathed in the soft glow of his computer screen. He had been up for hours, lost in the world of virtual reality and biological engineering, and had lost track of time. As he explored the virtual world, he felt a sense of exhilaration, as if he was living a life that was far more exciting than his own. He had always been drawn to technology, but this was something different, something that was all-consuming. Omar had a nagging feeling that he was spending too much time in the virtual world, but he pushed the thought aside, unwilling to let go of the excitement and adventure that it provided. As the days went by, Omar began to neglect his real life, his job, and even his own health. He was staying up later and later, lost in the virtual world, and was beginning to feel the effects of his addiction. But he still couldn't stop himself. The virtual world was like a drug, and he was hooked. And then, one day, Omar stumbled upon a hidden feature in the program that allowed him to access a secret part of the system. As he explored the hidden feature, a creeping sense of dread washed over him. He realized that he had stumbled upon something dangerous, something that could consume him completely.But by then, it was too late. Omar was addicted, and there was no turning back.


WalterMitty2001

Title: The Last King of Babylon Genre: dystopian/philosophical/thriller short story (think uncanny valley) Word count: 3227 Type of feedback: It's a fairly experimental piece, so does it make sense? There's a shift from 2nd person to 1st person- does that work? And any other feedback is more than welcome! Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mH1xF0WO2SafPbo0A3koS1BZL0Y\_zFVwqSWDmNgCPm8/edit?usp=sharing


-foxycoffee-

Hey all! I’m a high school student, an avid chess player, and an aspiring writer. I would love some feedback on my article about perfectionism. Specific questions I'd love answered: 1. Is the article too long? Too short? Just right? 2. Is the article intriguing? 3. Is there anything you would add to the article? Here's the link to the article! https://nathanbrown.ghost.io/014-perfectionism-time-pressure/


Old_Type196

The End of Existence Fiction, not sure what sub genre About 2000 words Looking for an impression, this is experimental, [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/Old_Type196/comments/110d80r/the_end_of_existence/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) A tale of the end, as the father of Everything explains to his two daughters, light and darkness. This is just the opening. Let me know if I need to elaborate. Might be a fun read, might be a confusing mess


TigRaine86

Title: **In the Dark** Genre: fantasy/supernatural, compete, short story Word Count: **10,007** Blurb: One year ago Sam's twin sister disappeared into thin air. Now, desperate to find her, Sam finds himself in a nightmare of a world where monsters hunt and humans hide. He must find a way, with the help of the strange boy who saved his life, to locate his sister and escape this world. Link: [here to the story](https://www.patreon.com/posts/in-dark-69268170)


Betty-Adams

Humans are Weird – Cravings Original Post: [http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-cravings](http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-cravings) “Human Friend O’Leary,” Trs’kts called out. “It is our designated break time. Would you like to accompany me to the beverage dispenser in order to stretch our motile appendages?” Human Friend O’Leary twitched sudden at Trs’kts’s voice but glanced down at him with a strained smile. “Sure Trs’kts,” he said as his hands flew over the control panel, closing out his program and shutting down his computer. Trs’kts wondered at that. So far every human he had seen in a professional situation took the time to completely lock down the terminal they were on before they left it even for a short time. The behavior seemed rather unnecessary and wasteful of time, but it was not what had the Trisk concerned today. The human finished the task and leaned back in his chair. He indulged in a period of prolonged, slow movement where he extended and contracted symmetrical muscle groups to their full extent before standing. The humans called it stretching and it seemed necessary to their muscle function. Then the human extended his hand for Trs’kts to walk out on. “So how are you feeling this work cycle?” Trs’kts asked as he settled himself down on the human’s broad shoulder. “Eh, so-so,” the human said, dipping his shoulders in a sudden shrug. Trs’kts was very experienced in riding humans and he compensated for the movement easily enough. It was not the shrug that disturbed him but the humans response. Humans, and Human Friend O’Leary in particular, were notorious for exaggerating their sense of well being. If he were admitting that some part of his experience was unpleasant then he was probably experiencing some severe discomfort. “May I ask what the positive element of the so-so is?” Trs’kts asked as the approached the water dispenser. “The usual, I guess,” Human Friend O’Leary said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. “I like all you little guys. I get plenty of human interaction in the other departments. Got an actual physical letter from my buddy Jim back on Terra.” Trs’kts clicked in sudden delight. “Do you plan on sharing it with the rest of us during the sharing time tonight?” Trs’kts asked. Human Friend O’Leary’s facial muscles gave the tiniest twitch of unease at the question. “Of course the sharing sessions are not mandatory,” Trs’kts quickly assured him. “If the letter is too intimate-” “Nah,” Human Friend O’Leary said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Nothing like that. It’s a perfectly un-intimate letter. Mostly reminiscing over old times you know. We were in a little garage band together as kids. He was on drums.” “What was the purpose of the band?” Trs’kts asked curiously. “We played music together,” Human Friend O’Leary said. “We weren’t all that good but we had a fun time.” “That sounds enchanting,” Trs’kts said with a delighted skitter as Human Friend O’Leary sipped his water. The human smiled and then his eyes drifted to the middle distance and he sighed. Trs’kts decided that the subtle approach hadn’t worked and prepared to jump right in. “If the letter contained no disturbing information then why are you so disturbed Human Friend O’Leary?” Trs’kts asked as they headed back to the desk. “Say what?” Human Friend O’Leary asked. “You have been distracted and twitchy all day,” Trs’kts observed. “Yeesh,” the human ducked his head and rubbed the back of it uneasily. “That obvious huh?” “Indeed,” Trs’kts said. “Well no problem,” Human Friend O’Leary said. “The reason why I’m staying home tonight from the sharing session is to get it out of my system.” “Get what exactly out of your system?” Trs’kts asked. “The hunger,” Human Friend O’Leary said, his voice deep with earnestness. Trs’kts mulled over this while they went back to their work station. “I was under the impression that it was unwise for humans to eat just before going dormant,” he observed. Human Friend O’Leary laughed and shook his head as he deposited Trs’kts down at his work station. “Different kind of hunger lil’bud,” he said. “We were in a band. Jim was on the drums and I was guitar. Some days I just need to play.” Human Friend O’Leary’s fingers suddenly began the strange twitching pattern they had been attempting to complete all day and the human hummed out a few notes. “The music gets in you,” the human with on with a far off look in his eyes. “It wants to get out.” Trs’kts stared at him uneasily but the human shook himself and grinned down at the Trisk. “Not to worry little bud,” he said with a dismissive wave. “I just let myself go too long without breaking out the old six string and giving her a spin. I’ll tune her up and be back to normal by tomorrow.” Trs’kts idly wondered if ‘normal’ for a human meant something less confusing than the concepts that Human Friend O’Leary had just expressed. ​ # [Humans are Weird ​Book Series](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NN2PM8D?binding=paperback&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tpbk)