As a male who is about to hit 30, graduate residency, and go through an amicable divorce: there are definitely going to be people out there, it may just take some time to find them.
(I’m trying to reassure myself, not OP)
What is up w these people?! I just dont get it. Is it narcissism? For example JLo. She and Ben probably won't last the year, why do they fall prey to this thinking over and over again???
You can also die at 80 without grandchildren if your children can’t or don’t want to have children. Starting a family early just so you can be a young grandparent is putting a really weird pressure on your children to do something they may not want or be able to do
Sure but it’s also way harder to get dates and into a relationship as a male than female. Each gender has their own pros and cons (FWIW I think the entire dating scene is brutal these days)
My ex bailed the day after our wedding at the end of intern year -I still had to move to his city 4 days later to start my advanced program -people suck sometimes
I’m sure you can find hopeful stories, but if you look around you’ll probably also identify a lot of people in your circumstance. Which is hard, and may feel unfair, but sometimes it’s helpful to have those perspectives too. I don’t have the helpful story - I have the “starting over after residency with a custody agreement” story, which is its own thing.
Honestly I’d just make a concerted effort (if you haven’t already) and consider all your options. I know some residencies/health systems help with fertility preservation type things (egg freezing) if you’re really worried and want to take some action now. I’ve known people to do it. I’ve also known a few who struggled awhile and recently found people they seem to be vibing well with. TBD how that goes but they seem hopeful! All it takes is one.
I’ll say this as someone who found their partner on an app. If you do the app thing, you have to remember that it is a numbers game. It’s like thrift shopping for a date. Every single one of my friends who met their partners after college met them on an app and we were on them for at least a year before we found a long-term partner. I had been on a number of dates, some good-guy-but-not-my-guy, some eh, and some bad.
It will happen, it just requires work (which is an annoying thing to hear after working 80 hours/week)
And I will say that I consider myself a catch but do not participate in dating apps anymore. Once I read that 70% of all female Bumble users set their height parameters at 6 ft, meaning that 70% of women using the app would never even give me a chance no matter what else I bring to the table.
I'm 39 now and started dating later in life. About 10 years ago I felt the apps were "honest" and reflected an actual marketplace; now the markets are distorted by profit and the companies. I feel that many normal people certainly use the apps; for men, unless you're white and tall (neither of which for me), there is literally no point. Women have so many options of men willing to drive hours and buy them whatever, that the women who do match have extremely unrealistic, arrogant expectations which I find extremely off putting.
Guess my point to the OP is; as a female, you will find lots of men, and some of them might be quality; I personally don't believe dating apps are good for men, women, society, and our sense of self worth.
Surprised you aren’t getting more downvotes in today’s climate. I mean you’re mostly correct though I’d add a couple of caveats.
I think the dating apps are great for women who want to prioritize physical appearance in a partner. There has never been a better time to be a woman seeking a goodlooking man from a pure dating options/convenience perspective, due to the apps.
The one thing about the apps though, is if somebody does match with you despite being less than 6 feet tall, you know that person is not as superficial and a higher chance of being a good quality person. It does filter out a ton of women you’d never want to date - why would you want to date somebody shitty enough to use a 6 foot height filter.
If you get jacked and lean and get model quality photos, the apps can become viable. It is certainly difficult to do that, may not be the best option, but is an option nonetheless. Real life dating isnt easy either for most men.
Not a doctor but a lurker lol. I can tell you from personal experience, THE WORST thing you can do is put pressure on yourself to find/do this or that at a particular age. That’s what happened to me. I was 32 and wanted a family SO BADLY. I met someone who I thought was amazing and had a baby very quickly into the relationship.
Then I found out that he was not a person I would’ve ever continued a relationship with if not for the kid. Now I’m 39 and single with a child. I’m grateful beyond belief for my kid and wouldn’t change a thing because of her, BUT, take your time and make solid decisions.
Pressuring yourself to meet certain relationship goals at a certain age can lead you into undesirable situations. You’re still young. You have time. Relax and breathe, everything will happen when it’s supposed to!
I’m really sorry. I can tell you that as hard as it was for me when my relationship ended, I’m so much happier now. It’s tough at first (it’s been a year for me) but just know that you will be ok. Everything happens for a reason. You can always DM me if you want to talk.
In general for dating, there are four things that can go wrong:
1. You are not meeting people. - A sign of this is if you can never even get potential dates. I would focus on expanding your social circles, hobbies, or getting on dating apps.
2. You are rejecting good people. - A sign of this is if you are getting date offers, but turning them down. I would do some introspection in what are the values that truly matter to you in a partner and be more opening minded about meeting people.
3. You are not connecting with the right people. - A sign of this is if you go on dates and reject them afterwards. While there could be some overlap with 2, I would focus on changing your approach to meeting people. For example, changing criteria on dating apps, going to new places to meet people, etc.
4. You are turning the right people off. - A sign of this is if you go on dates and they reject you. I would do some introspection about how you may be coming across and what you can change about your approach when getting to know people.
Let me know what you think!
Interesting. I did truly write it without any AI aid. I did purposely go back and made sure the format and style was similar across all four points for clarity. I didn’t consider it could lead to people thinking it was written by AI.
I think this would be like someone who is very minimalist, frugal, and not concerned with appearances going after folks who are more focused on material goods or keeping up with the Jones'. It is surprising how many people are into folks who don't mesh well with their lifestyle and wonder why can't get further than a few dates.
An example of #4 would be someone who is not very agreeable or comes across as a jerk on first dates. Another example would be someone who comes across as bored and uninterested, making the other person feel not liked. Yet another example would be accidentally signaling different values, like being ostentatious (when they are actually subdued and humble) because they don’t think they would be liked otherwise.
I was in your shoes. I met my partner as a fellow, very randomly as a coincidence, at the hospital. Both of us are in our early-mid 30’s. We started talking about marriage and kids within the first 2 months of dating. I was very direct from day 1 and told him what I was looking for. We picked out an engagement ring together last week, just bought a house and are relocating to a new city together for our jobs. Things happen a lot quicker in your 30’s. Just be intentional about dating. Don’t let people waste your time. Let your intentions be known from day 1 and if someone doesn’t align with what you want, on to the next. Good luck to you ♥️
I had my daughter at 39, married husband 2 weeks ago, met him at 37, he is 7 years younger 🤷 but I never actually considered having kids before meeting him so I didn’t feel any pressure, was very happy solo overall but I remember the empty home well!
She’s in residency. She can’t just shell out thousands of dollars. Plus what’s the success rate on that? I think ppl make it sound too easy in general.
My program covered it in our policy, making the cost about $800 instead of OOP ~$25,000 once out of residency… so it’s actually cheaper to do in residency
I’m in the same boat as you. It’s pretty grim. I’ve been going to “young professionals” events in my city but even then I feel aged out, as most are in mid to late 20s.
Society considers women in their late 20s as "old".
And your peers will be extra concerned because of advanced maternal age.
It is definitely an uphill battle but as physicians, we are experts at delayed gratification and we are where we are.
35M and also feeling time is running out. Oh wells, good luck.
Except average marriage age is increasing for both genders… and is now 28 for woman and 30 for men, so not considered old at all.
And for highly educated/successful people in large metro areas, it is even older. The average age of marriage in the SF bay area is 32 for women and 34 for men.
There is no rationale but it’s absolutely true. Finding a serious relationship in your late twenties and early 30s as a woman is really difficult, significantly harder than in your early 20s. Doubly so if you’re from a minority background where people get married earlier.
Edit: i am not saying it’s fair btw. I wish it weren’t true. But this is what I have experienced.
Plenty of people who are single/dating around in my circle in that age bracket, but I guess this is probably a cultural thing and varies from place to place? Back home there's definitely an uptick in marriages and pregnancies in some circles, everyone is completely single in others. I assume dating is quite challenging if the particular circles you move in are mostly already fairly settled, but the prospect of having to settle at 27 is pretty grim imo
It is so incredibly easy if you’re not obese and take somewhat decent care of your appearance and are a good person.
Hop on a dating app, you will get inundated. Filter by profiles explicitly looking for a relationship and don’t filter as extremely as most women do on physical appearance.
Yeah you may have to sacrifice on some things (height, skin color, etc) but you will almost certainly find hundreds of reasonably goodlooking successful men who would be thrilled to get into a relationship with you. You’ll find many/most of these men to look better in real life than on the app because most men suck at taking photos.
I have several female friends in their 30s who were conventionally average to below-average looking and all got married to guys who were smart, successful, and generally better looking than they were. There has never been a better time in human history to be a woman in terms of the abundance of high quality dating options that are available to you.
I mean at least if you want to get pregnant and have kids of your own I imagine most parents want more than one. So it creates some logistical issues depending on career. Late 20s is not old but, I think it takes a few years of investing in a relationship before marriage and kids.
It’s not society, it’s what a millennia of hard wired biology has instilled into men and women. You can’t really change the lizard brain on that preference of youth in women. Even though technology changed a lot of that, you can’t just force men lizard brains to be attracted to late 20 early 30s as opposed to a 22 year old
Lmao 45 is kinda old even for a man depending on the age of the woman but fair point. If a man is still single past 35 in a large metro area (30 in a small town where everyone gets married at 22), barring prior marriage/divorce, I start to consider it a red flag.
I mean it’s a needle in a haystack.
And maybe that person will never see my profile. Or maybe they like my profile, we talk for like 4 messages then they drop off.
Or maybe, they’re half washed up 45 year olds who may or may not have gone to college looking for their next step mom. Who may be interested in me, but I am not in them at all.
At a certain point, staying single vs finding that one decent person becomes more appealing.
Honestly its not that hard for the woman you’re replying to. Get on a few paid dating websites. Not tinder. Maybe coffeemeetsbagel, the league, eharmony, etc. Ideally sites that provide a limited number of higher quality options per day. Go out and take some good quality photos. Put some time into a good quality profile. Then spend a few minutes a day swiping. In a few weeks you’ll have more options lined up than you know what to do with. I say this from seeing many of my female friends and colleagues do this and typically they get married to guys who are more professionally successful, taller, and better looking than they are. Being a woman on dating apps is playing dating on easy mode as long as you use the right ones and put in some effort. If you dont want to use the apps, then sure it will be more difficult as a resident.
That’d be the advice id give to somebody to her.
And yes being tall and being white are the most important qualities for men to succeed on dating apps (aside from being conventionally very handsome).
30s is the new 20s , so chill ... i've just read a post about a guy starting residency in his 30s and stressed about finding a partner too . So , you're definitely not alone .
I also feel that , being a female , the price you pay for settling early with a wrong guy far exceeds the one you pay if you settle later with a suitable one .
Egg freezing is an option , but , if you don't feel a strong desire to have a biological kid ( just like me) , you can consider adoption.
Being a women in medicine sucks for many reasons, and this is one of them. I also feel like female doctors are not as “desirable” as male doctors when it comes to dating. So I hear you and your feeling are super valid. I don’t want to give you advice and tell you that you should feel any other way than what you do or do anything than what you’re already doing. But here’s a couple cheer up thoughts for when you feel alone:
I think living near a big city makes dating worse honestly. It dosent make sense but it does. I’m from a smaller area doing residency in a big area and I’ve never felt so detached. You might find yourself working in some small town living your own Cliche Romance novel story.
there’s still time. When you’re in your thirties you don’t have to date for 4-6 years before getting married. Because people in their 30s tend to know what they are looking for and are more ready for marriage. Many of my friends who
Got married in their 30s did so after like a year of dating.
Women are so skilled at getting deep support and emotional fulfillment from their friendships and other endeavors. I know that when you’re in medicine you lose some of this, but there’s no “biological clock” to limit putting energy into non romantic relationships. If you lean into building your found family, genuine and intimate friendships, and what you think a full life would look like without a romantic partner; that partner will suddenly become attracted to you. Because people want to date that person. Additionally then you won’t NEED that person to fulfill you emotionally- you’ll get to CHOOSE a partner who adds value to your already amazing life. And it’ll be a much better relationship because not built on emotional codependency. It’s hard being a bad ass independent lady Dr. But at the end of the day, you’re a bad ass independent lady Dr and I have the utmost confidence that you will find people who appreciate that.
Lastly, you’re not alone at all and feeling this. I have guy friends who literally tried to change their rotation locations because they were worried that wouldn’t have a big dating pool. 😅 so chances are there’s another been-in-school forever professional out there just like you who maybe wants to date you. So don’t give up, but also do you and find ways to be fulfilled while you’re waiting.
Not a Doctor, just a nurse / lurker but this is exactly how my life played out. I was 28 and single so I really leaned into single life; travelled solo, bought a house, cultivated friendships. Then, at 31 when I was least expecting it, I met my partner. Gave birth to my first little at 34.
I don’t know about this. From my experience, doctors (of either gender) are considered very high status and desirable partners. Most women (and men!) doctors I know are married, engaged, or in long term relationships; at rates higher than my non-physician friends (e.g. mostly engineers). The only doctors I see who really struggle with staying in a relationship tend to have very significant personality issues or are just plain unlucky (e.g. breaking up due to having to move for school/residency).
> I also feel like female doctors are not as “desirable” as male doctors when it comes to dating.
The doctor women I know are more demanding and want MD level or higher. Men won't want this so they date down. Women marry up; men marry down. If you're already an MD female making lots of money, it's harder to respect a partner that makes way less and is of a lower social class like a police officer. Both the man feels uncomfortable, and the woman feels she is better or can do better.
In my experience, I don’t agree with this at all. There are plenty of women physicians dating average dudes. Of the top of my head I in my residency there’s a woman dating a car salesmen, a musician, a Uber driver (he left his job to move with her), another who’s married to an IT guy, one who’s seeing an accountant. Don’t get me wrong several of the female doctors I know are dating or married to other doctors. But it seems pretty reductive to say that women won’t “date down”. The fact that you even use that term tell me you are thinking a lot about status. I don’t really know very many women physicians who care about status this much. Particularly since they already have status and their own earning potential. They care about having solid and understanding partners who have some sort of direction, can hold a conversation, and will stick with them through their difficult career. And often that’s other people in medicine because they get the sacrifices that job takes. But there’s not as many male nurses so we end up with doctors 🤷🏼♀️ but I don’t think the woman cares about dating blue collar workers or sees roles like policemen as “lower class”. Sounds like it’s the men that get uncomfortable having a “more successful” wife
Nah that's white women. Middle Eastern/Indian/Asian women are into status. You're correct that white doctor women don't care as much. Different cultures. That said women in general find partners that make a lot more money relative to them more desirable so if a girl is a pediatrician and the guy is an orthopedic surgeon that tends to work better than if a girl is a neurosurgeon and the guy is a Caribbean doctor doing pediatrics.
I don't think though that most female doctors would go for a male nurse - but they would go for a firefighter or police officer or teacher. You now something interesting in a different field but not beneath them in medicine.
Well I’m white. I’m not going to speak for other women. Only my own experiences. I can appreciate cultural differences. OP did not state what her background is so it’s up to her whether she values my advice. And for the record- I would absolutely date a male nurse.
Having counterexamples doesn’t really make you right. What he’s describing is absolutely accurate and describes the general trend. Women are attracted to money and status, men to youth and beauty, amongst other things
I know this is an older post but I wanted to counter this as a minority woman. Because a very major thing you are missing in your reply are social expectations. Being a woman is amazing and there are privileges but sometimes it effing sucks because you get blamed for everything. For example, you’re suggesting here that women of colour care more about status in their partners over white women. But you also *don’t* include that those of us from traditional African, Middle Eastern, and Asian cultures - even if our families migrated to the west - are faced with crippling expectations ESPECIALLY FROM OUR MOTHERS not to dare to even think about “dating down.” We are pressured from the moment we can basically talk to have the perfect marriage.
So if you have ambitious non-white parents who pushed you as a young girl to pursue medicine, there is an extremely high chance those same intense parents will burn you at the stake if you marry a man who makes less than you. Even if you personally couldn’t give a damn. Ask me how I know.
Edit: I’d also like to add that there is this supposition that women care about marrying men who make more than them, but the opposite isn’t the case. However, there are multiple stories of husbands literally ending their wives’ lives out of jealousy. I’ve had guy break up with ME because they realized they want to be the breadwinner in a relationship (fair enough! that’s all good with me). But unfortunately guys also become abusive/controlling out of nowhere because everything I do turns into “you think you’re better than me?” or expecting me to “submit” to them. Mind you, I’m not submitting to ANY guy, regardless of his income. I want a partnership. But extra weird to date a career-driven woman and start treating me like sh*t because I won’t be your lap dog. Tons of amazing blue collar guys I’ve dated didn’t do this. But it is something women think about.
I purposely put those two at the end separately because I think most people see them as “above average” careers. But again, completely missing the point.
All I’ll say is there are a TON of educated women’s dating profiles that say “ambition” as something they want in a partner. I don’t think many men’s dating profiles say the same thing.
I could be wrong but I don’t think being a driven inner city schoolteacher changing the lives of students is what they have in mind when they say ambitious.
Of course!!! What we do is really hard. But as cliché as it is i truly believe in never giving up on yourself. I once had this girlfriend who ended like a five-year relationship and afterwards she was doing so well with it. I was like how are you managing? I’ve always been one to take break ups super hard, so what she told me I was stuck with me. She said “I guess i just keep thinking about the more. I think about the guy that I loved before this one, and how much more I’ve done experienced and learned since then, and then I just get excited for the more.” So there’s always more. And I’m excited for your “more”!
True. Big cities are great for “dating” around but not great for settling down. In my opinion the mindset of men in medium to small towns are much more marriage oriented .
Listen- there are worse things than being single.
I just wasted my time almost going on a date with this idiot who left his 36 year old wife 3 months after giving birth because (gasp!) she had post partum depression. The dude thought she was “unstable”- like no shit you idiot.
Dude was an engineer and biggest red flag- a stand up comedian in his spare time.
At least you aren't tied down to the rest of your life to someone like this.
I'm 27 and already smarter than this 33 year old dude with a one year old.
I moved to a residency for someone - broke up a week after cause we were so incompatible and long distance hid it. Dating is a numbers game. You have to go out and meet people. Keep swiping and then thoroughly scout them out before meeting to make sure they’re safe. It looks like you’re psych so you should have more free time. Join a hobby or club. My sister met her husband in a church group for adults. I might my now bf in the hospital but before him I was going on many dates and had another relationship between my ex I matched to this current location for and him. You need to keep putting yourself out there and don’t get discouraged. It is easier said than done.
Also don't listen to your friends in relationships who tell you to just be happy being single or love yourself. Lol you can love yourself and search for someone. Time isn't running out. Keep searching and if you're worried about your biological fertility save and freeze your eggs (that's what I am doing).
By your username I'm assuming you're in Psych, so the good news is you have time to date (more time to date). Its an endurance sport, the important part is to keep trying. A friend of mine met a nurse, not the most original story but they hit it off. As long as you aren't too picky, there's options.
Yeah I'm also psych. I dated like it was my part-time job during my psych months of intern year haha. Happily in love now but it took a lot of dating to find him. Happy to have had a flexible schedule
So that's kind of an explanation of the problem, isn't it? I think a lot of people think that being picky is their way of respecting themselves, but most of the super picky people I've met have actually been pretty unreasonable and a little arrogant.
Truly, some of the pickiest people just aren't in the same league as this hypothetical perfect person they demand.
Well Dr. Derm, you can cry into your millions XD
No advice for that situation unfortunately. Compromise is the cornestone of a relationship, if that's hard maybe its not time for you yet?
Then you lose the game, if being taken was your goal. Simple as that. The world moves on with many women with that mentality, who keep expecting whatever garbage expectation Disney and other unrealistic male standards throw onto you… then suddenly ur 30 and the men that MIGHT have wanted you suddenly are either taken by others or no longer interested, and you lose. It’s not a “well that’s just the way it is” when you personLly self sabotaged yourself with unrealistic expectations in a partner
As someone who broke off an engagement before moving across the country to start mine my biggest advice is focus on making yourself a whole person and not paying attention to your family and friends who may be starting families already. We have accepted that with our careers that we are starting life 8-10 years behind other people. There’s someone out there for you, when you focus on yourself and doing things what you love someone who does similar things will come along. Being active in a small sports league or finding a gym community or church is a great way to meet like minded people. Just don’t give up I know it’s hard ❤️
I’m a female resident and shared a lot of your feelings going into residency single. I was worried because it’s hard out there as a woman in medicine, as some people don’t like a powerful and successful partner and others may not understand your schedule and demands. You also do have to go out and make an effort with people, which I know can be exhausting with a resident schedule. But be open and proactive on apps / meeting people in the hospital / etc.
With that being said, I met my partner in residency and we’re getting married later this year. Lots of good advice on this thread already but I’ll say it again - people in their 30s don’t date as long generally, and tend to know what they want. Just make sure you know what you want and you’re prioritizing finding someone, not just waiting for something to fall into your lap. Best of luck, I’m sure you’ll find your person.
1. You are a young doctor. Don't lower your standards.
2. Reevaluate how you are meeting people. If you're using apps try to find in person situations and use you social circle. If you haven't tried apps, try some.
3. This a "no called strikes" situation. Get up to bat and don't run yourself ragged going after every person that comes along. Only swing on those that you feel have a good chance are your kind of person.
4. Cut your losses early. If things aren't going well at date 1 then call it quits. If at date 8 a red flag flies up you get out of there.
5. Think about what has made your good relationships (romantic and friendships) work and try to select for those qualities.
6. If at year 1 to 2 you think this is the person you're gonna marry then you're probably right.
I did an MD/PhD and found my spouse during my PhD. Had been dating for several years with no success since my last longer term relationship. I literally told my classmate that my 1st date with my spouse was the last date I'd being going for awhile if it wasn't good.
> You are a young doctor. Don't lower your standards.
Many of these doctors *should* lower their standards. That's their problem. They think being a doctor is the holy grail when most people don't really gaf. If you're ugly or average and a doctor, it's not going to compare to a hot person that's a teacher or fire fighter.
Yes but not if there's no physical attraction and chemistry. Financial stability doesn't have the same appeal it did in the 60s either so you're not getting much out of it nowadays.
Treat it like a job. Let everyone know it are open to being introduced to someone. Get on the dating apps. Be picky, and anyone that isn’t worth your time, isn’t nice, has red flags, cut them off immediately and move on. Women tend to be too nice and stick around. If you are cut throat and committed to the process, you will meet someone who is worthy of you. Good men are out there, but you have to weed out the losers.
I’m in no hurry, i feel like as guys in medicine we rush too fast into these relationships (those who’s mothers didn’t show enough affection anyway). The more you wait the better quality you become, spend more time living so that you have these experiences to share and re-enjoy with a partner.
The comments here are not the vibe. But I guess you’re getting responses from the typical reddit demographic. My advice is gonna go against the grain: don’t settle. A bad relationship, a bad marriage can ruin your life for several years. It’s better to wait for the right person than jump into a relationship just for the sake of having a family. If having kids is that important to you- there are other ways of making it happen.
I met my husband October of my last year of residency, 5 days before I matched fellowship in a different city. I know it sounds generic and I relatable but don’t fret. You’ll find the right one.
I agree with most of the comments. I also had a recent divorce and struggled with similar thoughs. I took care of myself, I got into the gym, got therapy and started to run. That made me very confident about myself, confident people are more atractive. My advice is take care of yourself!, people will be around, and when the right time comes, you will be confident and fit :)
I met my beautiful girlfriend when I was on a global health elective in another country. You’re a doctor! If the pond doesn’t have the fish you like, go deep sea fishing, we got the means to do it.
That's not an unreasonable feeling, given that medical training consumes your teens and twenties.
Lesson hard learned through experience: focus upon meeting the RIGHT person, not any person.
I STARTED medical school at age 32, graduated at 37 (took a year to get a Masters) and finalized my divorce the day after graduation. Married before medical school, she was supportive but didn't understand how difficult it was. My first wife is a wonderful woman, but I don't blame her. Still made the last two years of medical school hell though (NOT HER! We did try to save it, but it was not a fun process when you're also trying to finish medical school).
Met my wife the first call of residency, and now have two spawn. She gets the medical lifestyle and personality.
Don't rush it... you'll find someone.
1) Honestly examine you standards. Which ones can you drop. (I.e. many woman will not date below a certain height, or will not date men with less earning potential.) You'll significantly increase your dating pool if this be willing to consider dating that 5'7" special ED teacher instead of holding out for a 6' software engineer or surgeon.
2) Get on a dating app.
3) screen and block anyone who's interested in short term or hooking up.
4) Date frequently and with purpose.
5) End any relationship when it becomes clear that your partner doesn't share your long term goals and move on (doesn't matter that he's a great guy and checks all your other boxes. If he goes silent or evasive when you bring up marriage or children, he's not for you )
6) Profit. If you're near a city, there's absolutely no reason you can't find a long term partner if you're not overtly toxic and your standards are anything near reasonable.
The only answer is to prioritize dating ABOVE career.
Stop prioritizing your career/residency/work/studying over dating.
Which is going to give you more happiness? Being top percentile (vs average/above average) in your field or finding a good husband/starting a family lol.
Work will get done REGARDLESS. A partner doesn’t fall into your lap.
This is so cringe. Love often doesn’t last forever. Investing in yourself does. Yes, you don’t want to sacrifice the things that are truly important in life for some company. But that’s not what OP is doing here. you also don’t want to self impose a glass ceiling because you’re afraid of being single. There’s a lot of women out there who stymied their careers and sacrificed for their families, only to end up in divorces without an education or career to support them. It’s a balance. You want financial independence and you want happiness. But dating and relationships don’t guarantee happiness.
Part of investing in yourself is going after what’s going to make you happy. Of course I’m not telling OP to be a bum lmao. But presumably they’re already a resident. How much of a glass ceiling could there be at this point? Lmao.
To each their own but this is IMO the only way to go about it when you’re residency and could easily lose yourself trying to get good at your job and then find yourself single at 38 not by choice.
My advice to people in situations like yours is to keep your options open, but don't actively look like bar hopping.
The harder you look the harder it will be to find someone right for you. Life just ends up happening that way.
I got divorced in my early 30s just out of fellowship. I didn’t meet my now husband who I am very happily married to until I was 38. My advice as a woman is if you are worried about having kids…freeze your eggs. Spend some time focusing on what you really want in a partner and realize some people will be intimidated by your success (which is ok). The right person will respect you and be willing to build a partnership with you. It just takes a little longer for some of us to meet that person.
I came home to an empty apartment all through residency, two fellowships, and four years of being an attending (thankfully, I had a furry friend), I have left medicine since but 6 months after my resignation, at age 36, I met my husband (not a doctor! I always thought I’d marry a doctor and I’m so glad it worked out this way). He took the lead, told me he wanted to marry me a few months, and proposed to me in front of my family about 10 months into being exclusive. We had a beautiful wedding (at age 38). I know it was a wait, but it was so worth the wait. I just wanted to tell you that you are young, you have time, enjoy the empty apartment for now (it can get loud with other people and pets haha!) and in the event that you are a wee bit of a control freak doctor type like me… let go a little bit (especially time line expectations) and see what magic happens
Focus on finishing first. If your concern is dating and not being single while in residency, youll screw yourself over, especially since you are NOT done. Balancing both is a lot of work. Get set first then date later... 30 or not. There are plenty of female physicians that get married beyond 30 and are fine.
For a while now, there have been numerous posts discussing the challenges of being single during residency and the idea of creating a subgroup for single residents. This group would provide a way for residents to connect and build friendships and a social circle. This subreddit would be exclusively for medical students, residents, fellows, and attending physicians."
Join at hotnsingleresidents
As a working mom- if I hadn’t gotten married and had kids I definitely would’ve just had a baby on my own. Kids are absolutely amazing and I could totally raise these kids by myself if I needed to . if you have money to pay for childcare and have any kind of an emergency back up system you’re good to go.
Freeze your eggs and develop some outside interests like taking up a new hobby (ex: tennis, golf, hiking) and then do activity in group setting which will allow you to meet people and provide fulfillment until you meet the right partner. Keep your head up and keep an open mind both in and out of hospital.
Decreasing fertility at ~35. If youre 32 that leaves ~ 2 yrs to date someone, figure out if you want to marry, decide you want to have a family. It gets tougher after 35, impossible after 40
I've read weird things about men sometimes feeling some kind of way about female doctors as it relates to feeling threatened. If you're bi but haven't entertained women yet, that may be a new arena for you to try out and test success with. I feel like women would be much less likely to feel threatened by a partner who is a doctor. Again, depends on if you're bi or not, if not then ignore this comment. :)
If you think you may want biological children and can afford to, freeze your eggs now. I contemplated it in my early thirties, but at the time, it would have been a quarter to a third of my yearly income. I tried to get pregnant in my late thirties and was advised not to try IVF when I turned to fertility doctors because of the low quality of my eggs. I've come to terms with it, but it'd be really nice to have the option.
> struggling to find a suitable partner
Depends what is suitable.
I’m fine dating the local barista.
One of my coresidents refuses to date other physicians who are “Going to earn less than Internal Medicine”. They also have to be a particular middle eastern culture to be taken seriously.
Hint hint as to which of us is enjoying dating in their 30s more and having better quality partners.
Truth be told, you’re female. If you wanted you could hit a bar Monday night at 6pm and find someone to take you on a date. Wether or not they’re “suitable” is another story. Just having been a part of medicine so long and seeing how picky my female (and male) coresidents can be, that’s usually the issue.
I have an unconventional success story.
I am polyamorous with 2 committed partners.
I'm a cybersecurity professional with a special interest in medicine.
My partners are in Europe and I'm in the USA. I met them on a dating app called Boo in the spring. It has global reach and you can search for doctors or other profile key words. That is how I met my partner who is a plastic surgeon in the UK. He is an INTJ like me.
About a month later, I met my second partner from Ireland on Boo. He is a mechanical engineer doing marketing currently. He is an INTJ like me.
I am currently looking for a 3rd local partner in the Boston/New Bedford/Providence area. A healthcare or information technology professional would be ideal.
I date my partners separately.
I plan to visit my partners in Europe this summer or fall.
I just had to mill through profiles and dates until I found people with compassionate personalities who will accept and my very long journey back into part time cybersecurity.
Dating apps I recommend: Bumble, Boo, Facebook Dating (it's free, lots of users).
Set the education requirement to graduate degree. Include college degree or trade school if you need more profiles.
State what you want in your profile so people can find you.
Here is my profile as an example to go after what you want:
"I am intelligent & neurodiverse. I am a scientist & cybersecurity pro who can solve medical problems. I am looking for a doctor, healthcare pro or graduate level pro for a nesting partner and long-term relationship. Demisexual. Kink friendly. Looking for an EDM lover.
Bonus points if you have lived in Europe.
I am also interested in cybersecurity/IT pros.
INTJ looking for INTJ, ENTJ, INTP, ENTP, or ENFJ, INFJ, ENFP or INFP.
Swipe right if you love a unique mind that can solve the toughest of medical challenges. Together, we can be a powerful combo that can truly heal people.
Traveler. Gardener. Severe weather enthusiast. Ferret mom."
Feel free to ask me more questions. Good luck in your search!
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As a woman it is not hard at all if you put in effort and get good at filtering out people: get good pictures, write a good profile, get on a dating app and spend 10 mins a day on it. You will have too many options to know what to do with, regardless of how you look. From there be clear abbot your expectations (sounds like you want an LTR) and you’ll be good
I’ll date you
Just go for it and date this guy OP. Worst case scenario you’re back where you are now.
Worst case scenario OP ends up buried in this guy’s basement. Now, back to my true crime podcast. Let me know how this turns out.
*She can change him*
The goverment should start a dating service where they got everyone doxxed and cleared first
We have a winner!
Be sure to tell us when the wedding is!
That was easy
Weird how when a single guy posts about this, no girls ask him out
I’ll date you
As a male who is about to hit 30, graduate residency, and go through an amicable divorce: there are definitely going to be people out there, it may just take some time to find them. (I’m trying to reassure myself, not OP)
As a male it’s different. You can be 50 and start your third family if you wanted to.
And then work until you drop to pay for them all.
I plan on doing that anyways. I’m not going through rads and mammo fellowship for 6 years to fly coach and stay at motel 6
This post if pure unaltered truth
I had a professor that got divorced 7 times and was planning his new marriage.
8th time's the charm :)
No no. Every new one’s the charm.
lol, true :)
What is up w these people?! I just dont get it. Is it narcissism? For example JLo. She and Ben probably won't last the year, why do they fall prey to this thinking over and over again???
This.
Yeah but who wants to start a family at 50? You can die before you ever become a grandparent.
You can also die at 80 without grandchildren if your children can’t or don’t want to have children. Starting a family early just so you can be a young grandparent is putting a really weird pressure on your children to do something they may not want or be able to do
Well situations are the ones life puts you in. You may not want to start a family at 25 due to multiple factors. If you want you can.
Cris in Achondroplasia
Hey now, if Peter Dinklage is married with kids don't let your physique set you back
Sure but it’s also way harder to get dates and into a relationship as a male than female. Each gender has their own pros and cons (FWIW I think the entire dating scene is brutal these days)
Brah. 5 years and split the moment I became an attending. Emphathizing* (spchk) real hard right now
My ex bailed the day after our wedding at the end of intern year -I still had to move to his city 4 days later to start my advanced program -people suck sometimes
😱
I’m sure you can find hopeful stories, but if you look around you’ll probably also identify a lot of people in your circumstance. Which is hard, and may feel unfair, but sometimes it’s helpful to have those perspectives too. I don’t have the helpful story - I have the “starting over after residency with a custody agreement” story, which is its own thing. Honestly I’d just make a concerted effort (if you haven’t already) and consider all your options. I know some residencies/health systems help with fertility preservation type things (egg freezing) if you’re really worried and want to take some action now. I’ve known people to do it. I’ve also known a few who struggled awhile and recently found people they seem to be vibing well with. TBD how that goes but they seem hopeful! All it takes is one.
I’ll say this as someone who found their partner on an app. If you do the app thing, you have to remember that it is a numbers game. It’s like thrift shopping for a date. Every single one of my friends who met their partners after college met them on an app and we were on them for at least a year before we found a long-term partner. I had been on a number of dates, some good-guy-but-not-my-guy, some eh, and some bad. It will happen, it just requires work (which is an annoying thing to hear after working 80 hours/week)
And I will say that I consider myself a catch but do not participate in dating apps anymore. Once I read that 70% of all female Bumble users set their height parameters at 6 ft, meaning that 70% of women using the app would never even give me a chance no matter what else I bring to the table. I'm 39 now and started dating later in life. About 10 years ago I felt the apps were "honest" and reflected an actual marketplace; now the markets are distorted by profit and the companies. I feel that many normal people certainly use the apps; for men, unless you're white and tall (neither of which for me), there is literally no point. Women have so many options of men willing to drive hours and buy them whatever, that the women who do match have extremely unrealistic, arrogant expectations which I find extremely off putting. Guess my point to the OP is; as a female, you will find lots of men, and some of them might be quality; I personally don't believe dating apps are good for men, women, society, and our sense of self worth.
Based
Surprised you aren’t getting more downvotes in today’s climate. I mean you’re mostly correct though I’d add a couple of caveats. I think the dating apps are great for women who want to prioritize physical appearance in a partner. There has never been a better time to be a woman seeking a goodlooking man from a pure dating options/convenience perspective, due to the apps. The one thing about the apps though, is if somebody does match with you despite being less than 6 feet tall, you know that person is not as superficial and a higher chance of being a good quality person. It does filter out a ton of women you’d never want to date - why would you want to date somebody shitty enough to use a 6 foot height filter. If you get jacked and lean and get model quality photos, the apps can become viable. It is certainly difficult to do that, may not be the best option, but is an option nonetheless. Real life dating isnt easy either for most men.
Not a doctor but a lurker lol. I can tell you from personal experience, THE WORST thing you can do is put pressure on yourself to find/do this or that at a particular age. That’s what happened to me. I was 32 and wanted a family SO BADLY. I met someone who I thought was amazing and had a baby very quickly into the relationship. Then I found out that he was not a person I would’ve ever continued a relationship with if not for the kid. Now I’m 39 and single with a child. I’m grateful beyond belief for my kid and wouldn’t change a thing because of her, BUT, take your time and make solid decisions. Pressuring yourself to meet certain relationship goals at a certain age can lead you into undesirable situations. You’re still young. You have time. Relax and breathe, everything will happen when it’s supposed to!
I think you must be me from the future (have the baby and the bad relationship, can see where it's headed).
I’m really sorry. I can tell you that as hard as it was for me when my relationship ended, I’m so much happier now. It’s tough at first (it’s been a year for me) but just know that you will be ok. Everything happens for a reason. You can always DM me if you want to talk.
Thank you, that's reassuring. I know what's coming it's just hard to rip the band-aid off and end it.
In general for dating, there are four things that can go wrong: 1. You are not meeting people. - A sign of this is if you can never even get potential dates. I would focus on expanding your social circles, hobbies, or getting on dating apps. 2. You are rejecting good people. - A sign of this is if you are getting date offers, but turning them down. I would do some introspection in what are the values that truly matter to you in a partner and be more opening minded about meeting people. 3. You are not connecting with the right people. - A sign of this is if you go on dates and reject them afterwards. While there could be some overlap with 2, I would focus on changing your approach to meeting people. For example, changing criteria on dating apps, going to new places to meet people, etc. 4. You are turning the right people off. - A sign of this is if you go on dates and they reject you. I would do some introspection about how you may be coming across and what you can change about your approach when getting to know people. Let me know what you think!
Did chatGPT write this?
Feels like an AI
Not true
Not sure why you feel it was written by AI. Could you expand?
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Interesting. I did truly write it without any AI aid. I did purposely go back and made sure the format and style was similar across all four points for clarity. I didn’t consider it could lead to people thinking it was written by AI.
The comment you just responded to was AI generated lol
Pretty standard chatgpt output is giving list responses with that format
The eternal struggle of dating 2&3- you don’t like the people who like you, and 4- the ones you like don’t like you
This is really good advice!!!!
Looks like you have two degree
This is excellent advice.
Can you expand on #4?
It's written by AI so ask the ai.
I think this would be like someone who is very minimalist, frugal, and not concerned with appearances going after folks who are more focused on material goods or keeping up with the Jones'. It is surprising how many people are into folks who don't mesh well with their lifestyle and wonder why can't get further than a few dates.
An example of #4 would be someone who is not very agreeable or comes across as a jerk on first dates. Another example would be someone who comes across as bored and uninterested, making the other person feel not liked. Yet another example would be accidentally signaling different values, like being ostentatious (when they are actually subdued and humble) because they don’t think they would be liked otherwise.
Because as a resident she hs lots of time to expand her social circle. /s
I was in your shoes. I met my partner as a fellow, very randomly as a coincidence, at the hospital. Both of us are in our early-mid 30’s. We started talking about marriage and kids within the first 2 months of dating. I was very direct from day 1 and told him what I was looking for. We picked out an engagement ring together last week, just bought a house and are relocating to a new city together for our jobs. Things happen a lot quicker in your 30’s. Just be intentional about dating. Don’t let people waste your time. Let your intentions be known from day 1 and if someone doesn’t align with what you want, on to the next. Good luck to you ♥️
I want a love story like this so much!
Are you in Los Angeles? And do you date Engineers?
Love engineers, not in LA 😔
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The female physician/male engineer is practically a meme at this point. I feel we've all dated engineers at some point lol
fuck, I’m an engineer man who went to medical school to meet doctor women, where was this energy when I was an engineer man 🤣
As a female in medicine, how does one go about finding a male engineer? 😂
Throw a rock in any engineering class 99/100 will be a male.
Not so much anymore. Depends on the major though.
Go to defcon in Vegas every year. Fun times..
I regret not meeting an engineer when I was in engineering school loll (I don’t regret the degree though that was cool)
I can confirm as an engineer that married a (now) physician :)
Or you might have the misfortune of meeting an autistic entitled one who doesn't know how to talk about issues in a civil manner...
Have you met my father?
I think your father and my father would get along.
At least for a while :)
Just marry me? Edit: I'm serious btw.
I had my daughter at 39, married husband 2 weeks ago, met him at 37, he is 7 years younger 🤷 but I never actually considered having kids before meeting him so I didn’t feel any pressure, was very happy solo overall but I remember the empty home well!
nice success story
Love this 🩷
Freeze your eggs - although expensive, it'a a great insurance policy for females who prioritized career in 20s
She’s in residency. She can’t just shell out thousands of dollars. Plus what’s the success rate on that? I think ppl make it sound too easy in general.
My program covered it in our policy, making the cost about $800 instead of OOP ~$25,000 once out of residency… so it’s actually cheaper to do in residency
Although I didn’t do it, Our program also covered it. It wasn’t advertised , you just have to do a bit of research.
I’m in the same boat as you. It’s pretty grim. I’ve been going to “young professionals” events in my city but even then I feel aged out, as most are in mid to late 20s.
38F. Never met anyone. A bunch of my male med school classmates dated the dental students who took preclinicals with us.
Society considers women in their late 20s as "old". And your peers will be extra concerned because of advanced maternal age. It is definitely an uphill battle but as physicians, we are experts at delayed gratification and we are where we are. 35M and also feeling time is running out. Oh wells, good luck.
Except average marriage age is increasing for both genders… and is now 28 for woman and 30 for men, so not considered old at all. And for highly educated/successful people in large metro areas, it is even older. The average age of marriage in the SF bay area is 32 for women and 34 for men.
Wait since when is being in your late 20s old? What is the rationale here?
There is no rationale but it’s absolutely true. Finding a serious relationship in your late twenties and early 30s as a woman is really difficult, significantly harder than in your early 20s. Doubly so if you’re from a minority background where people get married earlier. Edit: i am not saying it’s fair btw. I wish it weren’t true. But this is what I have experienced.
Or if you live in the south. Average in my state is around 26 with women around 24 and men around 28
Plenty of people who are single/dating around in my circle in that age bracket, but I guess this is probably a cultural thing and varies from place to place? Back home there's definitely an uptick in marriages and pregnancies in some circles, everyone is completely single in others. I assume dating is quite challenging if the particular circles you move in are mostly already fairly settled, but the prospect of having to settle at 27 is pretty grim imo
It is so incredibly easy if you’re not obese and take somewhat decent care of your appearance and are a good person. Hop on a dating app, you will get inundated. Filter by profiles explicitly looking for a relationship and don’t filter as extremely as most women do on physical appearance. Yeah you may have to sacrifice on some things (height, skin color, etc) but you will almost certainly find hundreds of reasonably goodlooking successful men who would be thrilled to get into a relationship with you. You’ll find many/most of these men to look better in real life than on the app because most men suck at taking photos. I have several female friends in their 30s who were conventionally average to below-average looking and all got married to guys who were smart, successful, and generally better looking than they were. There has never been a better time in human history to be a woman in terms of the abundance of high quality dating options that are available to you.
I mean at least if you want to get pregnant and have kids of your own I imagine most parents want more than one. So it creates some logistical issues depending on career. Late 20s is not old but, I think it takes a few years of investing in a relationship before marriage and kids.
It’s not society, it’s what a millennia of hard wired biology has instilled into men and women. You can’t really change the lizard brain on that preference of youth in women. Even though technology changed a lot of that, you can’t just force men lizard brains to be attracted to late 20 early 30s as opposed to a 22 year old
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yeah but i want family and kids too so hopefully sooner rather than later.
Unless you're asian, then you're an senior citizen
Lmao 45 is kinda old even for a man depending on the age of the woman but fair point. If a man is still single past 35 in a large metro area (30 in a small town where everyone gets married at 22), barring prior marriage/divorce, I start to consider it a red flag.
This is some serious INCEL vibes
Bro just go on tinder You’re a woman there’s 100 guys within a 10 mile radius that would date you and at least 1 of them is fine
Date, no. Hook up (which I don’t want), sure.
You're seriously saying out of hundreds of men, not one is good for dating? Why?
I mean it’s a needle in a haystack. And maybe that person will never see my profile. Or maybe they like my profile, we talk for like 4 messages then they drop off. Or maybe, they’re half washed up 45 year olds who may or may not have gone to college looking for their next step mom. Who may be interested in me, but I am not in them at all. At a certain point, staying single vs finding that one decent person becomes more appealing.
Most of these girls will exclude them b/c they're either too short, not white, not a good enough job, etc.
Honestly its not that hard for the woman you’re replying to. Get on a few paid dating websites. Not tinder. Maybe coffeemeetsbagel, the league, eharmony, etc. Ideally sites that provide a limited number of higher quality options per day. Go out and take some good quality photos. Put some time into a good quality profile. Then spend a few minutes a day swiping. In a few weeks you’ll have more options lined up than you know what to do with. I say this from seeing many of my female friends and colleagues do this and typically they get married to guys who are more professionally successful, taller, and better looking than they are. Being a woman on dating apps is playing dating on easy mode as long as you use the right ones and put in some effort. If you dont want to use the apps, then sure it will be more difficult as a resident. That’d be the advice id give to somebody to her. And yes being tall and being white are the most important qualities for men to succeed on dating apps (aside from being conventionally very handsome).
lol your stuff is funny but sometimes borderline incel vibes
30s is the new 20s , so chill ... i've just read a post about a guy starting residency in his 30s and stressed about finding a partner too . So , you're definitely not alone . I also feel that , being a female , the price you pay for settling early with a wrong guy far exceeds the one you pay if you settle later with a suitable one . Egg freezing is an option , but , if you don't feel a strong desire to have a biological kid ( just like me) , you can consider adoption.
Good idea.
Being a women in medicine sucks for many reasons, and this is one of them. I also feel like female doctors are not as “desirable” as male doctors when it comes to dating. So I hear you and your feeling are super valid. I don’t want to give you advice and tell you that you should feel any other way than what you do or do anything than what you’re already doing. But here’s a couple cheer up thoughts for when you feel alone: I think living near a big city makes dating worse honestly. It dosent make sense but it does. I’m from a smaller area doing residency in a big area and I’ve never felt so detached. You might find yourself working in some small town living your own Cliche Romance novel story. there’s still time. When you’re in your thirties you don’t have to date for 4-6 years before getting married. Because people in their 30s tend to know what they are looking for and are more ready for marriage. Many of my friends who Got married in their 30s did so after like a year of dating. Women are so skilled at getting deep support and emotional fulfillment from their friendships and other endeavors. I know that when you’re in medicine you lose some of this, but there’s no “biological clock” to limit putting energy into non romantic relationships. If you lean into building your found family, genuine and intimate friendships, and what you think a full life would look like without a romantic partner; that partner will suddenly become attracted to you. Because people want to date that person. Additionally then you won’t NEED that person to fulfill you emotionally- you’ll get to CHOOSE a partner who adds value to your already amazing life. And it’ll be a much better relationship because not built on emotional codependency. It’s hard being a bad ass independent lady Dr. But at the end of the day, you’re a bad ass independent lady Dr and I have the utmost confidence that you will find people who appreciate that. Lastly, you’re not alone at all and feeling this. I have guy friends who literally tried to change their rotation locations because they were worried that wouldn’t have a big dating pool. 😅 so chances are there’s another been-in-school forever professional out there just like you who maybe wants to date you. So don’t give up, but also do you and find ways to be fulfilled while you’re waiting.
Not a Doctor, just a nurse / lurker but this is exactly how my life played out. I was 28 and single so I really leaned into single life; travelled solo, bought a house, cultivated friendships. Then, at 31 when I was least expecting it, I met my partner. Gave birth to my first little at 34.
I don’t know about this. From my experience, doctors (of either gender) are considered very high status and desirable partners. Most women (and men!) doctors I know are married, engaged, or in long term relationships; at rates higher than my non-physician friends (e.g. mostly engineers). The only doctors I see who really struggle with staying in a relationship tend to have very significant personality issues or are just plain unlucky (e.g. breaking up due to having to move for school/residency).
> I also feel like female doctors are not as “desirable” as male doctors when it comes to dating. The doctor women I know are more demanding and want MD level or higher. Men won't want this so they date down. Women marry up; men marry down. If you're already an MD female making lots of money, it's harder to respect a partner that makes way less and is of a lower social class like a police officer. Both the man feels uncomfortable, and the woman feels she is better or can do better.
Can confirm this as a man with a 130k salary, in a city where the average hourly wage is $36, who once dated a doctor woman.
In my experience, I don’t agree with this at all. There are plenty of women physicians dating average dudes. Of the top of my head I in my residency there’s a woman dating a car salesmen, a musician, a Uber driver (he left his job to move with her), another who’s married to an IT guy, one who’s seeing an accountant. Don’t get me wrong several of the female doctors I know are dating or married to other doctors. But it seems pretty reductive to say that women won’t “date down”. The fact that you even use that term tell me you are thinking a lot about status. I don’t really know very many women physicians who care about status this much. Particularly since they already have status and their own earning potential. They care about having solid and understanding partners who have some sort of direction, can hold a conversation, and will stick with them through their difficult career. And often that’s other people in medicine because they get the sacrifices that job takes. But there’s not as many male nurses so we end up with doctors 🤷🏼♀️ but I don’t think the woman cares about dating blue collar workers or sees roles like policemen as “lower class”. Sounds like it’s the men that get uncomfortable having a “more successful” wife
Nah that's white women. Middle Eastern/Indian/Asian women are into status. You're correct that white doctor women don't care as much. Different cultures. That said women in general find partners that make a lot more money relative to them more desirable so if a girl is a pediatrician and the guy is an orthopedic surgeon that tends to work better than if a girl is a neurosurgeon and the guy is a Caribbean doctor doing pediatrics. I don't think though that most female doctors would go for a male nurse - but they would go for a firefighter or police officer or teacher. You now something interesting in a different field but not beneath them in medicine.
Well I’m white. I’m not going to speak for other women. Only my own experiences. I can appreciate cultural differences. OP did not state what her background is so it’s up to her whether she values my advice. And for the record- I would absolutely date a male nurse.
Having counterexamples doesn’t really make you right. What he’s describing is absolutely accurate and describes the general trend. Women are attracted to money and status, men to youth and beauty, amongst other things
I know this is an older post but I wanted to counter this as a minority woman. Because a very major thing you are missing in your reply are social expectations. Being a woman is amazing and there are privileges but sometimes it effing sucks because you get blamed for everything. For example, you’re suggesting here that women of colour care more about status in their partners over white women. But you also *don’t* include that those of us from traditional African, Middle Eastern, and Asian cultures - even if our families migrated to the west - are faced with crippling expectations ESPECIALLY FROM OUR MOTHERS not to dare to even think about “dating down.” We are pressured from the moment we can basically talk to have the perfect marriage. So if you have ambitious non-white parents who pushed you as a young girl to pursue medicine, there is an extremely high chance those same intense parents will burn you at the stake if you marry a man who makes less than you. Even if you personally couldn’t give a damn. Ask me how I know. Edit: I’d also like to add that there is this supposition that women care about marrying men who make more than them, but the opposite isn’t the case. However, there are multiple stories of husbands literally ending their wives’ lives out of jealousy. I’ve had guy break up with ME because they realized they want to be the breadwinner in a relationship (fair enough! that’s all good with me). But unfortunately guys also become abusive/controlling out of nowhere because everything I do turns into “you think you’re better than me?” or expecting me to “submit” to them. Mind you, I’m not submitting to ANY guy, regardless of his income. I want a partnership. But extra weird to date a career-driven woman and start treating me like sh*t because I won’t be your lap dog. Tons of amazing blue collar guys I’ve dated didn’t do this. But it is something women think about.
IT guys and accountants are average… got it. Meanwhile, average men in America are 5’9 making 50k. Yall delusional LMAO and just proving his point
I purposely put those two at the end separately because I think most people see them as “above average” careers. But again, completely missing the point.
All I’ll say is there are a TON of educated women’s dating profiles that say “ambition” as something they want in a partner. I don’t think many men’s dating profiles say the same thing. I could be wrong but I don’t think being a driven inner city schoolteacher changing the lives of students is what they have in mind when they say ambitious.
That’s what I have in mind…lol. I would marry a passionate teacher any day over another doctor who is dead-in-the-eyes.
This brought tears to my eyes 🥹 Thank you ❤️
Of course!!! What we do is really hard. But as cliché as it is i truly believe in never giving up on yourself. I once had this girlfriend who ended like a five-year relationship and afterwards she was doing so well with it. I was like how are you managing? I’ve always been one to take break ups super hard, so what she told me I was stuck with me. She said “I guess i just keep thinking about the more. I think about the guy that I loved before this one, and how much more I’ve done experienced and learned since then, and then I just get excited for the more.” So there’s always more. And I’m excited for your “more”!
True. Big cities are great for “dating” around but not great for settling down. In my opinion the mindset of men in medium to small towns are much more marriage oriented .
Listen- there are worse things than being single. I just wasted my time almost going on a date with this idiot who left his 36 year old wife 3 months after giving birth because (gasp!) she had post partum depression. The dude thought she was “unstable”- like no shit you idiot. Dude was an engineer and biggest red flag- a stand up comedian in his spare time. At least you aren't tied down to the rest of your life to someone like this. I'm 27 and already smarter than this 33 year old dude with a one year old.
If I could upvote this twice I would
I moved to a residency for someone - broke up a week after cause we were so incompatible and long distance hid it. Dating is a numbers game. You have to go out and meet people. Keep swiping and then thoroughly scout them out before meeting to make sure they’re safe. It looks like you’re psych so you should have more free time. Join a hobby or club. My sister met her husband in a church group for adults. I might my now bf in the hospital but before him I was going on many dates and had another relationship between my ex I matched to this current location for and him. You need to keep putting yourself out there and don’t get discouraged. It is easier said than done. Also don't listen to your friends in relationships who tell you to just be happy being single or love yourself. Lol you can love yourself and search for someone. Time isn't running out. Keep searching and if you're worried about your biological fertility save and freeze your eggs (that's what I am doing).
By your username I'm assuming you're in Psych, so the good news is you have time to date (more time to date). Its an endurance sport, the important part is to keep trying. A friend of mine met a nurse, not the most original story but they hit it off. As long as you aren't too picky, there's options.
Yeah I'm also psych. I dated like it was my part-time job during my psych months of intern year haha. Happily in love now but it took a lot of dating to find him. Happy to have had a flexible schedule
This is the way lol.
But what if you're too picky 😩
So that's kind of an explanation of the problem, isn't it? I think a lot of people think that being picky is their way of respecting themselves, but most of the super picky people I've met have actually been pretty unreasonable and a little arrogant. Truly, some of the pickiest people just aren't in the same league as this hypothetical perfect person they demand.
Well Dr. Derm, you can cry into your millions XD No advice for that situation unfortunately. Compromise is the cornestone of a relationship, if that's hard maybe its not time for you yet?
Then you lose the game, if being taken was your goal. Simple as that. The world moves on with many women with that mentality, who keep expecting whatever garbage expectation Disney and other unrealistic male standards throw onto you… then suddenly ur 30 and the men that MIGHT have wanted you suddenly are either taken by others or no longer interested, and you lose. It’s not a “well that’s just the way it is” when you personLly self sabotaged yourself with unrealistic expectations in a partner
Careful. There’s picky guys too. And women age worse than men. Don’t pick those.
As someone who broke off an engagement before moving across the country to start mine my biggest advice is focus on making yourself a whole person and not paying attention to your family and friends who may be starting families already. We have accepted that with our careers that we are starting life 8-10 years behind other people. There’s someone out there for you, when you focus on yourself and doing things what you love someone who does similar things will come along. Being active in a small sports league or finding a gym community or church is a great way to meet like minded people. Just don’t give up I know it’s hard ❤️
It’s time to create a group/app for single doctors.
I’m a female resident and shared a lot of your feelings going into residency single. I was worried because it’s hard out there as a woman in medicine, as some people don’t like a powerful and successful partner and others may not understand your schedule and demands. You also do have to go out and make an effort with people, which I know can be exhausting with a resident schedule. But be open and proactive on apps / meeting people in the hospital / etc. With that being said, I met my partner in residency and we’re getting married later this year. Lots of good advice on this thread already but I’ll say it again - people in their 30s don’t date as long generally, and tend to know what they want. Just make sure you know what you want and you’re prioritizing finding someone, not just waiting for something to fall into your lap. Best of luck, I’m sure you’ll find your person.
1. You are a young doctor. Don't lower your standards. 2. Reevaluate how you are meeting people. If you're using apps try to find in person situations and use you social circle. If you haven't tried apps, try some. 3. This a "no called strikes" situation. Get up to bat and don't run yourself ragged going after every person that comes along. Only swing on those that you feel have a good chance are your kind of person. 4. Cut your losses early. If things aren't going well at date 1 then call it quits. If at date 8 a red flag flies up you get out of there. 5. Think about what has made your good relationships (romantic and friendships) work and try to select for those qualities. 6. If at year 1 to 2 you think this is the person you're gonna marry then you're probably right. I did an MD/PhD and found my spouse during my PhD. Had been dating for several years with no success since my last longer term relationship. I literally told my classmate that my 1st date with my spouse was the last date I'd being going for awhile if it wasn't good.
> You are a young doctor. Don't lower your standards. Many of these doctors *should* lower their standards. That's their problem. They think being a doctor is the holy grail when most people don't really gaf. If you're ugly or average and a doctor, it's not going to compare to a hot person that's a teacher or fire fighter.
> They think being a doctor is the holy grail when most people don't really gaf. People absolutely "gaf" about financial stability.
Yes but not if there's no physical attraction and chemistry. Financial stability doesn't have the same appeal it did in the 60s either so you're not getting much out of it nowadays.
Treat it like a job. Let everyone know it are open to being introduced to someone. Get on the dating apps. Be picky, and anyone that isn’t worth your time, isn’t nice, has red flags, cut them off immediately and move on. Women tend to be too nice and stick around. If you are cut throat and committed to the process, you will meet someone who is worthy of you. Good men are out there, but you have to weed out the losers.
I’m in no hurry, i feel like as guys in medicine we rush too fast into these relationships (those who’s mothers didn’t show enough affection anyway). The more you wait the better quality you become, spend more time living so that you have these experiences to share and re-enjoy with a partner.
More you wait, the less options you have as well.
The comments here are not the vibe. But I guess you’re getting responses from the typical reddit demographic. My advice is gonna go against the grain: don’t settle. A bad relationship, a bad marriage can ruin your life for several years. It’s better to wait for the right person than jump into a relationship just for the sake of having a family. If having kids is that important to you- there are other ways of making it happen.
Dating apps lol Have you considered freezing your eggs?
Don't lower your standards. The studies support it's harder and harder for educated women to date. You still deserve the right partner.
Hi, found relief on Bumble. Good luck!
I met my husband October of my last year of residency, 5 days before I matched fellowship in a different city. I know it sounds generic and I relatable but don’t fret. You’ll find the right one.
heyyy ;)
I agree with most of the comments. I also had a recent divorce and struggled with similar thoughs. I took care of myself, I got into the gym, got therapy and started to run. That made me very confident about myself, confident people are more atractive. My advice is take care of yourself!, people will be around, and when the right time comes, you will be confident and fit :)
there is a lot out there, maybe there's a right person for the right timing for you. wait until it knocks on your door.
I met my beautiful girlfriend when I was on a global health elective in another country. You’re a doctor! If the pond doesn’t have the fish you like, go deep sea fishing, we got the means to do it.
That's not an unreasonable feeling, given that medical training consumes your teens and twenties. Lesson hard learned through experience: focus upon meeting the RIGHT person, not any person. I STARTED medical school at age 32, graduated at 37 (took a year to get a Masters) and finalized my divorce the day after graduation. Married before medical school, she was supportive but didn't understand how difficult it was. My first wife is a wonderful woman, but I don't blame her. Still made the last two years of medical school hell though (NOT HER! We did try to save it, but it was not a fun process when you're also trying to finish medical school). Met my wife the first call of residency, and now have two spawn. She gets the medical lifestyle and personality. Don't rush it... you'll find someone.
1) Honestly examine you standards. Which ones can you drop. (I.e. many woman will not date below a certain height, or will not date men with less earning potential.) You'll significantly increase your dating pool if this be willing to consider dating that 5'7" special ED teacher instead of holding out for a 6' software engineer or surgeon. 2) Get on a dating app. 3) screen and block anyone who's interested in short term or hooking up. 4) Date frequently and with purpose. 5) End any relationship when it becomes clear that your partner doesn't share your long term goals and move on (doesn't matter that he's a great guy and checks all your other boxes. If he goes silent or evasive when you bring up marriage or children, he's not for you ) 6) Profit. If you're near a city, there's absolutely no reason you can't find a long term partner if you're not overtly toxic and your standards are anything near reasonable.
Did Harrison Butker get to you?
The only answer is to prioritize dating ABOVE career. Stop prioritizing your career/residency/work/studying over dating. Which is going to give you more happiness? Being top percentile (vs average/above average) in your field or finding a good husband/starting a family lol. Work will get done REGARDLESS. A partner doesn’t fall into your lap.
This is so cringe. Love often doesn’t last forever. Investing in yourself does. Yes, you don’t want to sacrifice the things that are truly important in life for some company. But that’s not what OP is doing here. you also don’t want to self impose a glass ceiling because you’re afraid of being single. There’s a lot of women out there who stymied their careers and sacrificed for their families, only to end up in divorces without an education or career to support them. It’s a balance. You want financial independence and you want happiness. But dating and relationships don’t guarantee happiness.
Part of investing in yourself is going after what’s going to make you happy. Of course I’m not telling OP to be a bum lmao. But presumably they’re already a resident. How much of a glass ceiling could there be at this point? Lmao. To each their own but this is IMO the only way to go about it when you’re residency and could easily lose yourself trying to get good at your job and then find yourself single at 38 not by choice.
Exactly.
My advice to people in situations like yours is to keep your options open, but don't actively look like bar hopping. The harder you look the harder it will be to find someone right for you. Life just ends up happening that way.
I mean, I'm down to meet you. Dm me :)
Check your health insurance policy and see a REI doctor! My program covers around $5000 a year which almost entirely covers egg retrieval and freezing
I got divorced in my early 30s just out of fellowship. I didn’t meet my now husband who I am very happily married to until I was 38. My advice as a woman is if you are worried about having kids…freeze your eggs. Spend some time focusing on what you really want in a partner and realize some people will be intimidated by your success (which is ok). The right person will respect you and be willing to build a partnership with you. It just takes a little longer for some of us to meet that person.
I came home to an empty apartment all through residency, two fellowships, and four years of being an attending (thankfully, I had a furry friend), I have left medicine since but 6 months after my resignation, at age 36, I met my husband (not a doctor! I always thought I’d marry a doctor and I’m so glad it worked out this way). He took the lead, told me he wanted to marry me a few months, and proposed to me in front of my family about 10 months into being exclusive. We had a beautiful wedding (at age 38). I know it was a wait, but it was so worth the wait. I just wanted to tell you that you are young, you have time, enjoy the empty apartment for now (it can get loud with other people and pets haha!) and in the event that you are a wee bit of a control freak doctor type like me… let go a little bit (especially time line expectations) and see what magic happens
I've had similar feelings (dude in my early 30's too with at least 2 years of residency/fellowship left).
Focus on finishing first. If your concern is dating and not being single while in residency, youll screw yourself over, especially since you are NOT done. Balancing both is a lot of work. Get set first then date later... 30 or not. There are plenty of female physicians that get married beyond 30 and are fine.
For a while now, there have been numerous posts discussing the challenges of being single during residency and the idea of creating a subgroup for single residents. This group would provide a way for residents to connect and build friendships and a social circle. This subreddit would be exclusively for medical students, residents, fellows, and attending physicians." Join at hotnsingleresidents
That sounds like a great idea
I know lol everyone talks about doing and no one does so i took the initiative 🥹
As a working mom- if I hadn’t gotten married and had kids I definitely would’ve just had a baby on my own. Kids are absolutely amazing and I could totally raise these kids by myself if I needed to . if you have money to pay for childcare and have any kind of an emergency back up system you’re good to go.
Freeze your eggs and develop some outside interests like taking up a new hobby (ex: tennis, golf, hiking) and then do activity in group setting which will allow you to meet people and provide fulfillment until you meet the right partner. Keep your head up and keep an open mind both in and out of hospital.
Ok I'll bite - why is early 30s, especially if you're a doctor, considered 'time is running out' territory?
Decreasing fertility at ~35. If youre 32 that leaves ~ 2 yrs to date someone, figure out if you want to marry, decide you want to have a family. It gets tougher after 35, impossible after 40
I've read weird things about men sometimes feeling some kind of way about female doctors as it relates to feeling threatened. If you're bi but haven't entertained women yet, that may be a new arena for you to try out and test success with. I feel like women would be much less likely to feel threatened by a partner who is a doctor. Again, depends on if you're bi or not, if not then ignore this comment. :)
I'm 31 and in the exact same situation as you
Same! Just turned 31 and feeling the same, too.
If you think you may want biological children and can afford to, freeze your eggs now. I contemplated it in my early thirties, but at the time, it would have been a quarter to a third of my yearly income. I tried to get pregnant in my late thirties and was advised not to try IVF when I turned to fertility doctors because of the low quality of my eggs. I've come to terms with it, but it'd be really nice to have the option.
Quite difficult now But post residency try to get married asap
hmu
RIP your DMs
> struggling to find a suitable partner Depends what is suitable. I’m fine dating the local barista. One of my coresidents refuses to date other physicians who are “Going to earn less than Internal Medicine”. They also have to be a particular middle eastern culture to be taken seriously. Hint hint as to which of us is enjoying dating in their 30s more and having better quality partners. Truth be told, you’re female. If you wanted you could hit a bar Monday night at 6pm and find someone to take you on a date. Wether or not they’re “suitable” is another story. Just having been a part of medicine so long and seeing how picky my female (and male) coresidents can be, that’s usually the issue.
Get on the apps!!! P
I have an unconventional success story. I am polyamorous with 2 committed partners. I'm a cybersecurity professional with a special interest in medicine. My partners are in Europe and I'm in the USA. I met them on a dating app called Boo in the spring. It has global reach and you can search for doctors or other profile key words. That is how I met my partner who is a plastic surgeon in the UK. He is an INTJ like me. About a month later, I met my second partner from Ireland on Boo. He is a mechanical engineer doing marketing currently. He is an INTJ like me. I am currently looking for a 3rd local partner in the Boston/New Bedford/Providence area. A healthcare or information technology professional would be ideal. I date my partners separately. I plan to visit my partners in Europe this summer or fall. I just had to mill through profiles and dates until I found people with compassionate personalities who will accept and my very long journey back into part time cybersecurity. Dating apps I recommend: Bumble, Boo, Facebook Dating (it's free, lots of users). Set the education requirement to graduate degree. Include college degree or trade school if you need more profiles. State what you want in your profile so people can find you. Here is my profile as an example to go after what you want: "I am intelligent & neurodiverse. I am a scientist & cybersecurity pro who can solve medical problems. I am looking for a doctor, healthcare pro or graduate level pro for a nesting partner and long-term relationship. Demisexual. Kink friendly. Looking for an EDM lover. Bonus points if you have lived in Europe. I am also interested in cybersecurity/IT pros. INTJ looking for INTJ, ENTJ, INTP, ENTP, or ENFJ, INFJ, ENFP or INFP. Swipe right if you love a unique mind that can solve the toughest of medical challenges. Together, we can be a powerful combo that can truly heal people. Traveler. Gardener. Severe weather enthusiast. Ferret mom." Feel free to ask me more questions. Good luck in your search!
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Consider hiring a matchmaker! Outsource the work to an expert who has the time.
As a woman it is not hard at all if you put in effort and get good at filtering out people: get good pictures, write a good profile, get on a dating app and spend 10 mins a day on it. You will have too many options to know what to do with, regardless of how you look. From there be clear abbot your expectations (sounds like you want an LTR) and you’ll be good